#h0wtolove

[n0resistance]

                  "Acting Then and Now "

    It was December of 2013, my first play since 6th grade. I’d been studying "the Method" at this small class on the corner of 38th and 8th. I was going consistently for about 4 months and then there was a point when just taking classes wasn’t enough. At first I told myself that I wanted to try an acting class, just once, then I went a few more times, then I was hooked. I decided I’m going to commit to this class every week. I hated my job, I was working the front desk and making mistakes constantly. I was really green and had desires to be an artist but I wasn't sure what my craft was yet. 

     Stuck in depression, I was living in Bedstuy then moving to Chinatown with my two friends. Then this audition popped up and I made a fake resume saying I acted in a bunch of New York Film Academy films and got the audition. Now this was unlike any audition and it was one of my first ones. I think I went to a couple auditions in a proper studio before this one. The playwright was new to playwriting  and didn’t have the funds to rent a space for rehearsals. We met at a coffee shop. She just really wanted to meet me and talk about the play. 

   She told me a little bit about the character I was playing and then says, "okay we‘re gonna have a conversation. I’m going to ask you a few questions about yourself but you are "Dylan" the character." So I tried  it. I put on a New York accent and answered questions. She was from Harlem, she lived near the park, she hated school, she loved her friends, she didn’t know what she wanted to do with her life besides having a dog, but she knew she didn’t wana be miserable. With the little bit of info I had of Dylan I answered all her questions truthfully and I got the part. We had exactly a month to put on the show. 

    It was a 20 minute play and it was the director's first play as she was a poet. I had the most lines and my heart was beating so fast. At that time I had extreme anxiety, had acne, I was single, and was in a lot of student loan debt, making a really low hourly wage. I was insecure and had to prove myself after college, in the "real world" that I could do something with my life. 

    I had a job, cheap rent in chinatown, a bike to get me everywhere I needed to go,  and acting made me so enthusiastic about life. I told everyone. I’m an actor! I’m in a play! I’m in a play on 42nd street at the Manhattan Repertory Theater. It’s my first play called “Deuce of Diamonds”. 

    It was such a process to get this show done. I changed my schedule to work mornings so I could rehearse at night. I was really trained and a rehearsaholic. Which if you have that in you, it can really carry the other performers who might be under-rehearsed and not on their game. Energy attracts energy to get us all to the same level. We would rehearse in places like starbucks, top floor of burger king, my friend's apartment, and lastly an actual acting studio with cheap rates. I would also see my teacher and do privates to make sure I did my very best at performing. 

    Then it was show time. I really promoted it, my family came and all my friends from NJ. Some college friends too. I was so anxious behind the curtain waiting to go on. I go on stage and it's lights up. People were sitting on the stage because there wasn't enough room for them in the audience. As soon as the lights come on I see my dad’s face right in front of me. I had to say my first line and there it was. All the nervousness stoppped and we were in it. I did what my mom told me to do at 11 years old which was, know everybody's lines. That way you can never mess up, because if they miss a beat you can pick it up. That's what I did and every night I got the adrenaline, the natural high, and it was such a good experience. I was hooked and knew this is what I'm meant to do with my life. 

     Now 10 years later in a theater two blocks away from the Manhattan Repertory Theater that was closed down due to covid. I was part of a different play. I haven't done theater in 4 years since 2019. The last one I did on stage was Romeo and Juliet in Hollywood. I got casted for a comedy show. There was about 10 of us playing multiple characters. I was in a scene called speed dating and the finale called 5 actors walk into a bar. We met every Monday, Wed, and Fri for 3 hours to rehearse. Most of the memorizing had to be at home. I was so nervous and had a lot of self doubt. On my Off-Book day; the day you're not allowed to use the script anymore; I completely bombed the rehearsal. I yelled line 10x and my scene partners carried me through the last scene. Although it was embarassing, atleast it wasn't on stage and it made me study and learn the entire play. Everyone's lines. As much as possible, so there is little to no error and I wouldn't embarass myself on stage. 

     The parallel of it being 10 years later where I'm at a theater near my first one and working at the same hotel just a different company now. I'm wiser, better, much older, and am still the same in some ways. It was show day and I knew my boyfriend was going to be there and a couple friends but not sure who. Our call time was 2 hours before the performance and I was grateful for the extra rehearsal time. The scene I was in was called speed dating, it was super fast and each line went right after the other. So if you mess up it's very very noticeable. My part was more towards the end so the nervousness doesn't leave you until you get on stage and do your thing. The lines are connected and go after one another so I can see where we are and I know what mistakes I made in the past, and I know to not repeat them. Every time I corrected a mistake with my lines I made in rehearsal my heart felt lighter. I could tell where we were in the script and how it would be over soon. Once I said my last line, it was then where I felt like, yes I nailed it, and then I had a 5 minute break before the next scene I was in. It's so much focused enery and the key to theater is to be really present. We all can feel eachother's energy. 

    When people laugh, you know you did a good job. Nothing feels like that experience and I said it was probably the most fun I had all year. And I went backpacking all winter to the coolest places. But those couple hours on stage doing my best at something like comedy in front of an audience. I have so much pride in it and you can feel you did a good job. My friends said they like the fact that I don't over act. That when I'm acting on stage they feel as if I'm being what I am in life Now, that's the real craft. Because what we learn is acting isn't being other characters. It's being truthful in the moment to the particular circumstances you're given. That's when can relate. That's when it's actually good.

#h0wtolove

[n0resistance]

Fool For Love

I had an upbringing of being surrounded by people constantly. My siblings, my parents, my parents' friends, and relatives. Everyone was a part of my identity. My Filipino side and my Polish side. As far as I can remember everyone that was around me had a relationship. Some good, and some bad that needed work and care. Some eventually had to break up. Some with kids, a home, a business. They were all around me and I was very into fairy tales or any kind of romance, or romantic comedy as a child. Since it was so far off as to what I've seen. Unfortunately, I've seen people abuse each other. Yell, scream, hit, fight. Sometimes I would see people love each other. Sometimes they would be the same people. After witnessing abuse, I would think, does the love really matter after that? Why weren't these relationships like the movies. Where a guy meets a girl in a really funny way and the conflict isn't so bad and they end up happily ever after. What was wrong with the world I lived in. The real world. All this before I even ended up in my own relationship. I dated for the first time in 5th grade, and then again in 9th grade. Where you don't know anything about yourself or the person you're dating so you tend to get manipulated. Then the cycle that you witnessed as a child occurs. I'm into taking breaks. The longest I've been single since I began dating was probably 3-4 years. I take it all very seriously and when you're that committed you can get your heart broken. However, what's amazing about getting your heart broken is you get to create from nothing again. So after my first "boyfriend" I moved to New York and created a new identity. Met someone years later who showed me being an artist was an actual profession and lifestyle. I got into acting after we broke up. Then I went a little further and met someone who was an artist like me. An adventurer. I finally had my own identity, which was an artist, which I was proud of. I loved to do theater, go to acting classes, play the Ukulele, travel and document everything, write. That was my start of self love. Then I met someone to share that with. Something pure and personal. Who can get me to the next level. Unfortunately, the immaturity and insecurity of being inexperienced led to a broken heart and a broken artistic relationship of creating something. However, if you love yourself. Love your project. Believe what you're doing. Will do things no matter if you're with that person or not. Then you receive progress. You keep living your dream and the dream just changes to something even better. The beauty about the art world and the love world. There's always people out there looking for the same things. Passion, adventure, creativity, and community. The beautiful thing is in a city like New York or LA. You end up finding them and making it. I think if you're not meant for a certain path. You feel it. Everyday, that it's not working. That could even be a profession. A boyfriend. Your friends. Maybe even your family. Why do you stay? For love. You think it's for love. However, it's not love. Most people actually stay in unhealthy environments because of attachment and comfortability. The thing I will never understand is how are you comfortable when you're miserable. " Miserably comfortable" There's no growth in that. There is growth in being a lone. Depending on yourself. Making a new community in a new city finding new projects and new places to work. Creating a home. Loving yourself. Those were the steps of my journey. Especially as an artist. To create and to travel and meet wonderful people. It was hard and I even got used to being a lone. Then something happens when you know yourself. Stop over reacting and become a bit jaded of this evil world. Knowing that, hey I can put myself out there and get rejected. That's the actor in you. Or I can put my heart on the line and it can break. That's the romantic. Know that you've been through so much pain, that at this point in time nothing can really hurt you because you know you can endure it. It happened before and it may happen again. That was my enlightenment to begin again. New projects, new relationships, new love, new me. Better version though. Commit fully and deeply and not be afraid. We were born to love, help, and give. As an artist or as a human. If those are your intentions. You will always win.

#H0wtolove

[n0resistance]

Crying in H Mart 

    I was given a book called crying in H Mart. The story is about a girl who loses her Korean mother and she cries in one of the noodle isles in H Mart. All the food is attached to the memories she has of her. She said something that I could really relate to, “ I wonder if I’m not Korean anymore because my mother’s dead “. Her father is American and she’s an only child. 

     Being half Filipino and Polish I never felt fully comfortable with either race. Losing my mother her has made me feel less Filipino. I have my mothers face and my dad’s body type and you wouldn’t know I’m Filipino unless I told you. 

     If I didn’t have siblings I’d probably feel even more detached. I had to take what I was raised with and develop my own connection to the culture.

    I don’t tell Filipinos that I’m Filipino like I used to unless I’m comfortable with them. I want to be accepted for my personality. I’m getting better at setting boundaries, eating healthier, and branching out to having a diverse group of friends. 

    I wana live out of the country but places that are relatively close to New York and learn other languages like Italian or Spanish. Since covid I haven’t prioritized going to the Philippines but places that have a shorter plane ride. 

    Traveling to the Philippines is a 18 hour trip with layovers and a 12 hour time difference. They say there’s clear blue waters, it’s cheap, you can get hair, nails and massage done for under $20. You definitely deserve it after traveling that far. Also, you can travel 3 hours to DR and get a similar lifestyle. 

    The petty fighting, arguments, gossip, and competition are normal drama between the community. Sometimes I can’t keep track of what the argument is about. My mom always said if you see another Filipino treat them like your cousin. I whole heartedly did that and sometimes became disappointed on a friendship that was built on sharing the same race. I learned that quality over quantity of friends is better. 

    The need to over extend oneself to keep everyone together can get to be too much. Which my mother was consistent and great at. Always hosting, buying gifts for people in the summer when there’s sale so everyone gets something for Christmas, committing our family to being a guest at 2-3 Holiday parties at a time. The bigger the family the bigger the drama. 

    There are some things I’ll always miss from my past. Like Filipino parties; line dancing, karaoke, and good food. The sense of community. The fact that our mom gave us so much discipline to be clean, smart, and the importance of working hard. No such thing as being lazy with an Asian mother. 

    Not having her around has made it hard to instill discipline in myself or accept it from anybody else other her. So self discipline is the way. My mother was so fascinating to be around, one of the strongest women I’ve known, and her energy can organize an army. I miss that. 

    This book is a love letter to this girl’s mother and their memories. She talks about her American dad and it’s really relatable. I know he was white but not sure exactly which background. 

     Being half white it feels more individualistic than my Filipino side. I don’t have to see family if I don’t want to. There’s no over extending, sometimes there’s no extending at all. If you’re moving to a new place you get, “oh goodluck”. There’s no offering help with that other than well wishes. If I’m sick, “oh feel better”, no need to go through the trouble of getting you anything. It’s an American thing to leave your home at 18 and never come back. I grew up with a father who knew how to be there but didn’t get the nurturing part down. Most men don’t because they never needed to. 

    There’s no expectations and I’ve been independent. If something happens to my apartment; I’m expected to find my own way. You can literally avoid drama on the American side because you don’t have to be that close to each other. You have your life and they have theirs. 

     Also, I won’t know where my white side of the family is from in Poland or Czech Slovakia because we are third generation. Nobody has visited Poland since they left. All I know are kielbasa, pierogis, and Catholicism. The there’s people with my last name in Staten Island, Long Island, and Pennsylvania. Getting to heaven is the most important thing on my Polish side. I believe religion has helped in the toughest of times. One of my biggest dreams is to travel Poland and see what’s over there. 

    On both sides nursing is the profession in the family. So everyone knows how to take care of sick people. There’s a movie called “Fools Rush In” and Selma Hayek tells Mathew Perry when she’s pregnant with his child, that family to him is a forced meeting once a year for Christmas and then you’ll see each other again in another year. No matter how close you live next to each other. For her being of Mexican heritage, family is everything. 

    It’s interesting to see both. Also, I’m finally at an age or point in my life where nobody expects me to work in their profession, I don’t have to have kids, I don’t even have to get married, and everything I do in my life is on me. My choices, my life, my outcome. The expectation in a different culture is a lot more conservative and traditional. However, I will never say I never pursued my dream because I had to make my parents proud. My dad’s already proud. 

     It’s freeing to have a choice. It’s freeing to say no again and again. The most freeing thing to feel is the lack of judgment that comes from being both. Now a days I sit back and meditate on events. Ask myself, “Do I feel like I have to do this or do I want to do this?” Sometimes I have to adjust because I’m not always able to go. Work, money, and time get in the way. 

     I’m there for my family because I want to. Not because I want something back. I actually don’t expect anything in return. I give them gifts because I never forget the gifts on my birthday and how loved I felt. 

      I miss having a mom. I actually really miss my mom even though it’s been 18 years, there’s not a day that goes by I don’t think of her. Lately, she’s been like an angel to me; her and my grandmother who passed. If I’m asking the universe for help, I usually envision them. I can still feel their warmth. Although my mom yelled and had her anger. She would really make you feel loved and put all efforts to let you know that. She spoiled me and never wanted us to feel poor, but also taught us true value of saving. Little did she know I was going to grow up and experience the artist lifestyle that she would never approve of. Live life in a city with my own terms and own mistakes. 

    She was so proud to have us travel. I think it was something that symbolized freedom and she wanted us to never feel stuck. She knew how to acquire wealth and community. Some of her friends weren’t as loyal as she was to them. I understood what they were saying and felt like a spy unknowingly as a kid. Always told her if I heard nonsense and I’ll always remember what she said about friends. That when you’re sick and dying you’re lucky if you even have 1 friend. My mom was surrounded by people but her best friend passed away and nothing and nobody could replace that. 

    I remember how awful she said men were. To make them pay for everything to show how much they love you. To stay pure til marriage because that person needs to earn it. Any sign of cheating or beating to run the other way. She taught me to be tough; and to fight back if a boy ever hurt me. I got stabbed with a pencil by a kid in second grade and that day she was teaching me to move on and fight if something happens like that. 

    She would really emphasize that my siblings were everything to me; all we have is each other, she would say. Til this day there’s not a day that goes by without them in my thoughts. Being the youngest, I wish my nieces and nephews to all feel loved equally from me. No favorites no matter age or gender or even presence. To love them all the same. 

    The most useful thing I learned from her was to be non-confrontational. I mainly learned it watching relationships fall apart, she cared so much to the point of being controlling and experienced so much pain. Another thing I learned from her mistakes was to let things go if you want to move on. 

    I understand that no matter what the relationship is with your parents and relatives. It’s painful to lose them. Out of all crying and what ifs. What if she was here. What if she never died. How would life look like. With all those what ifs to just take every memory we ever had with her and really remember life is too short. It’ll always be hard. What matters is how much we loved each other and the peace we have. Problems never go away, they just change and it’s up to us to dissect how significant they are. How to react to everything. One day we all might be crying in H-Mart yearning for our moms cooking and wishing for her voice to come back and say  “everything will be okay. “

#h0wtolove

[n0resistance]

L0ve

#h0wtolove #wonderwhyil0vepeople