#honestly screw the salem witch trials
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So I’m sure no one cares but
I’ve recently discovered genderbent Frozen covers and animatics and honestly I love these? Like, a lot?
(Rambly thoughts under the cut, because I got invested in talking about Disney movies and ways they write characters and generalizing stuff, despite writing this all on a whim and doing not much research but hey, that’s what this blog is for. Random thoughts about movies and stories and Youtube comments)
I mean, I’ll admit that I’ve never been a big fan of Frozen - nothing against the story (cause it is good and for all I will criticize Disney for not generally being particularly uh...keen on taking any risks, I do appreciate the way they do break the mold here) or the music (it sounds like a Broadway musical, hell yeah) - but tbh Let it Go far overstayed its welcome and yes, I’m glad kids enjoyed the movie, but we heard it nonstop for way longer than we should have. The song honestly never felt like it went away for, what like, 2 years? I can listen to songs on endless loops, and this was still too much for me. Granted, I never hated it (my brother did, possibly still does, so I didn’t mind listening to it for the sole purpose of tormenting him) but still. It sorta turned me off from the franchise. I didn’t need to hear it every time I walked into a store.
And I’ll also admit to never being big on genderbending. Nothing against people who enjoy it, but it’s never been my thing, and the few fics I’ve read with it never felt like it used the swap for any sort of message or to explore anything particularly interesting. Which I would’ve preferred, because otherwise, I didn’t see the reason for the swap, personally. (and to be fair, I turned off of this pretty quickly, so I’m sure there are good ones out there, but it’s really just never been something I’m big on)
But like...okay. There is this animatic for Show Yourself, but with the audio dropped into the male vocal range and I love it so much. It’s wonderful and adorable (and the song is legitimately very good, so I’ve seen that part, despite never having actually watched Frozen 2). And also a handful of actual covers, which are absolutely amazing. And now I’ve found the same sort of thing with Let it Go (which I’m now okay with - I guess it just takes 7 years for me to get over the oversaturation of that song in society) and like holy shit, friends. Big fan.
Scrolling through the comments also gets all the “can we please get a Disney Prince movie” thoughts and hey, I’m so on board with this. I know, there are movies with princes (Aladdin, Hercules, Lion King, etc), but it’s less that plain fact of having a prince, and more of the arc for the character? Basically, I wanna destroy the trend of having male-oriented movies be more action-adventure-y. Let boys be soft and have feelings, that’s all I ask. Make that the character arc, have your main character be male and need to discover himself, all of the fears and insecurities included, I am begging you.
(Sidenote because I did see some other interesting mentions: I haven’t seen Hunchback, back from what I’m aware of with that movie, that one probably fits closer to what I’m talking about. Also Treasure Planet, because honestly, that really is exactly the kind of arc that I’m talking about, and there’s a reason I love that movie with all my heart, it’s amazing, and go watch it if you haven’t. But like, it’s a coming of age story with some good ol’ found family and no romance! And while Jim is really smart and has some bad-ass moments, I love when we get insight into his emotional state. But I could gush about this movie forever, moving on. The one thing about these is not the lack of royalty (for me), but just...box office? I don’t know the circumstances for Hunchback, except that the numbers apparently aren’t great, and to my knowledge, someone over at Disney just didn’t want Treasure Planet to do great, and this goes to show what marketing does. Apparently, they did the same to Emperor’s New Groove, which isn’t entirely relevant, but my point is, whoever did this to these movies, screw you, they’re wonderful)
(Apologies for the tangent)
Anyway, I’m not saying remake Frozen, but doing the genderbend works really well here, I think? Obviously, I love that Elsa’s arc is entirely her own, and stories about opening up to family and accepting yourself have messages that everyone needs to hear, regardless of any barrier. So this isn’t a criticism, just a thought. Because (granted, I’m not doing research to write this, and I’m admittedly not 100% caught up on Disney movies) it feels to me like female characters do tend to have the more emotional arcs. Talking Disney Renaissance, this feels true in the female-lead movies, especially if you compare to the respective princes. In male-lead movies, it’s not entirely true, and I’m not calling the characters flat or emotionless, but that’s not the main thing going on in the movie. (ie, Simba has his reservations about returning and so he talks to Mufasa, and that’s a big scene and its important, but it feels more like it’s just a step to ultimately taking down Scar - tbh, compare the screentimes there). Again, the Renaissance movies are fantastic and I love them, but I just want to make some comparisons. And I don’t want to delve too deep into the more recent ones, because I haven’t seen them all, but the focus seems much more on the strong, independent female-lead (again, not a criticism because we can always do with more strong ladies who don’t need no man - I am just saying).
But anyway. Frozen. I like the idea of keeping Anna as herself, because the Hans twist and more slow-burn-y development with Kristoff is good - that accomplishes the idea of breaking down tropes. But Elsa as a male character is really interesting to me? Having an arc that centers on fear that’s born of isolation, and ends with self-acceptance and familial love, is something that I don’t recall seeing in male characters very often (not never, but not often)? But I can think of tons of male characters who appear confident and charismatic, even if that’s in their own way, and then even if we do peel back to find trauma and pain, I can think of more instances of it presenting as bitterness or anger rather than genuine fear (or at the very least, we as the audience don’t quite see that fear). I want to see a male character who was forced to repress who they are and has real fear as to who their true self is. I want this character to discover who that is and have a hard time coming to grips with it, and all that stuff because I honestly just really like writing a lot of self-deprecation. Won’t deny that. And then pairing that with magic is also just interesting IMO. I don’t know how magic tends to fall with regard to this sort of thing, but just the fact that it’s inborn and different (akin to D&D sorcery), rather than learned and understood (like D&D wizardry, or even HP wizards), is an interesting thought to me? Maybe because the “strange and different” type of magic reminds me more of the general conception of witches (or...the Salem Witch Trials) which is also more female-leaning, but I won’t stand by that super strongly, because it’s not something I’ve looked into all that much. But it means, to me, that it would be an interesting way to sorta...turn the tables in the way magic gets used.
Point being: I just think this would be a really solid message. That bravery doesn’t have to be saving the world or killing the dragon or even the self-sacrifice story that’s become more prominent in stories now. It can also come from battling your own demons and opening up to people to ask for help. Which is obviously something everyone needs to learn, but if we’re gonna fight the submissive female character trope with some badass heroines, then I say we also do the same thing in reverse for our male characters. Just a thought
#from the mind of niennavalier#long opinion post thing#ill also admit that i really like this idea cause the art is so goddamn good#pretty designs and flowy clothes are my favorite things when im coming up with dnd character designs#and combine that with non-stereotypically-masculine characters and im super down#(i have favorite character types okay? fight me)#but also instagram has been giving me all the frozen 2 stills now and like#elsa is just gorgeous and i dont think i need say more#like im very ace but that aesthetic is so good#(witness me paying attention to this fandom like 7 years late lol)#also i do just wanna clarify some stuff#cause thinking with the modern disney movies#like with moana im not saying that maui doesnt have an arc and good things that happen#i like his part dont get me wrong#but tell me who the titular character is#just sayin#and ive seen a bunch of stuff about kristoff having a song where hes confused about love#and again i think thats amazing!#i need to go find that clip but i legitimately love the fact that this exists#thats good content#im just saying that isnt quite on the same level because same as above#if i ask who the main characters in frozen are#i think you all know the answer#(and my other big ask for disney is to give us a gay character but my hopes there arent super high unfortunately)#(oh and self plug but the more i think about it im kinda doing this sorta thing with one of the characters i made for my short story class#the story itself is meant to be longer than a short story and i wont go into detail here but the idea just ended up being close#even though i started watching a bunch of the clips and having these thoughts after id come up with my character)#(maybe said character is why im having Opinions on this now tho)#(and dumb sidenote but the more i look up fanart the more i realize that the people who are saying that it basically looks like anime#are totally right it really does which is really just interesting to me cause i didnt think of that initially)
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Things I’ve heard high schoolers say pt 2
Person 1: But air doesn’t splash
Person 2: How do we know that, Im splashing the air right now.
Person: Prove me wrong. Prove fish can’t see air.
Person: I think you underestimate just how poor I am.
Person: I just invented a new thing. No Romo. Like no homo but with romance cause I’m lonely. Get it?
Person: So yah I burned my hair cooking ramen.
Person: Well I figured he wasn’t an adopted iguana.
Person: Say it. You know god is watching.
Person 1 upon heading the news of George Bush’s death: Wait he’s still alive?
Person 2: No he’s dead that’s the point.
Person: I got it. *five second pause* no I don’t got it.
Person 1: My name is (name), but you can call me yours.
Person 2: Okay nice to meet you yours.
Person: Don’t drink it all fool.
Person: Bruh you could literally turn in a gay fanfic and he’d give it an A.
Person: Bruh, what is this triangular accusation?
Person 1:It’s call physics.
Person 2: Yah but I don’t take Physics hence they should not apply to me.
Person 1: Discreet.
Person 2: No discr-yeet *dabs*
Person 1: Be impressed with my ability to bull shit.
Person 2: I mean, it’s gotten you this far.
Person: Why do I feel like finals are lowkey Russian roulette? Like okay I made it through most of them but I still have a few pulls of the trigger to go and one of them might get me.
Person 1: Murder. Just do it.
Person 2: I didn’t know that nike was sponsoring murder.
Person: How do mermaids reproduce if they’re just like conjoined legs?
Person 1: Frozen Yogurt
Person 2: Fro yo
Person 1: Frozen YOgUrt
Person 2: Fro Yo
Person 1: FROZEN YOGURT
Person: All I have to do to commit suicide is jump from my parents expectations to my grades.
Person 1: I mean yah I cheated on that test.
Person 2: Man your love life it DOOMED!
Person: I was seeing if I was tripophobic by repeatedly stabbing my finger with my pen.
Person: You do know that crickets exist during the day right?
Person 1: Hey (person 2), we’re friends right?
Person 2: ….. What do you want.
Person 1: You know, that sandwich looks real good. *person 2 hand them the sandwich* OMIGOD THANK YOU SO MUCH I LOVE YOU!
Person: Omigod (person’s name) is going through puberty!
Person: If you pulled my ear I would have ripped out your nostril.”
Person 1: She’s attacking me!
Person 2: No, he’s beating a woman, that’s not polite.
Person 1: I know many things!
Person 2: like what?
Person 1: .....
Person 2: my point.
Person: My shoes will be sparkly red stilettos. Fight me Dorothy.
Person: umm hello Christmas miracle even though I’m not Christian. Come at me 15 years from now!
Person 1: you’d make a really good baldie
Person 2: yah you have a really rest head shape
Person: you know teletubbies? Yah that but compressed.
Person 1: I mean how will you become American?
Person 2: paint me white, I’ll get a passport.
Person 1: I’m so funny.
Person 3: it’s hard not to be when your life is a joke.
Person 1: So I’ve decided that my new career choice is to make school specific memes
Person 2: That's Plan A? Yeash... at least Plan B lands you some cash
Person: I’m so small and bitter I’m like a human expresso
Person: You know what I’d name a baby kangaroo if I had one? David Jowie.
Person: I’m just saying that the orange red glitter crayon is you.
Person: I feel like a 1940’s schoolgirl who goes to an all girl finishing school where embroidery is a required class.
Person: I started high school with straight A’s, now I’m not even straight.
Person: Yeah, I’d swear by comic sans.
Person: (Persons name)stop being depressy and you’ll be more sucessy
Person: You can totally be insecure and self absorbed at the same time.
Person 1: Are you kids okay?
Person 2: Besides crippling depression yeah.
Person: I don’t know it’s just giving me pig vibes.
Person: What drugs where the animators for “Pink Elephants on Parade” on?
Person: long story short I make like a semi hot guy.
Person: If I where pregnant id just be like 'you put this thing inside of me, you're helping me until it's out.'
Person: These girls asked me what type of guys I like and being the simple gay I am, I completely blanked
Person 1: why do you read on your phone if you get carsick at 20 minutes?
Person 2:Because it works for the first 19 minutes.
Person: Three Indians, a Thai, a Colombian, and an American walk into a bar. Just kidding they aren't old enough to drink. Three Indians, a Thai, a Colombian, and an American walk into a school cafeteria...
Person: I can't do alcohol cause I'm not of age but I can do drugs because they're illegal for everyone.
Person 1: you can't have a breakdown, it's the third day of school.
Person 2:... so?
*Group of kids singing Bohemian Rhapsody in twelve different keys*
Person: For gods sake choose a key!
Person: For gods sake that was complicated. You didn't need to send out a survey to see which episode of which season of which show to watch.
Person: Honestly I'd chose stab over dab any day.
Person 1: She said she'd throw me out of the window.
Person 2: She never did.
Person 1: She never did.
Person: What language is this? *pause* Oh wait it's English.
Person 1: I mean it's pretty hit or miss.
Person 2 from across the courtyard: I guess they never miss, huh?
Person: Chu-chu bitch. I’m a train.
Person after loosing game of kahoots: I’m going to ka-shoot myself.
Person: So basically I need to learn Hungarian for a song.
Person: No one screams their sneeze, its not human
Person: If I where a mosquito I would bite you and you’d get malaria and die.
Person: That tide pod aesthetic.
Person: No I loved Barney, Barney was my bo.
Person: If I where my own boyfriend I’d dump me.
Person: It's already a really good song but then it's dubstep so it's extra good.
Person: No one is EVER to old for coolmathgames.com
Person 1: Why are you using a poon?
Person 2:…..
Person 1: WHY ARE YOU USING A POON?!
Person 1: I’ve been blonde for 16 years.
Person 2: So what? I’ve been brown for 16 years and you don’t see me coloring myself white!
Person: Yes. Scrape the sweat off my hand.
Person: No one cares about a square cube of water.
Person: We’re melanin intoxicated.
Person: Well my life may be a mess, but at least I’m not doing drugs. Yet.
Person: Negative 13 out of 10, do not recommend.
Person: Yah that’s gunna have to be a no from me.
Person: Fool me once......fool me twice.......fool me as many times as you want, my first name is dumbass.
Person 1: Ya know, I think the Americans have the order of dates right JUST BECAUSE you can do 4/20/2019.
Person 2: Okay but they’re still wrong though.
Person with AirPods: And where are YOUR AirPods? Thats what I thought you broke bitches.
Person: Salem witch trials bitches.
Person: La Croix, the AirPods of the soda world.
Person: Who needs a thermometer when you have… your hands!?
Person 1: It’s time to bring back SEXY MASQUERADE BALLS
Person 2: It really is. I need an excuse to wear an incredibly uncomfortable dress that's so big I can't even walk through doorways.
Person 1: And to wear a swan inspired mask that doesn’t cover enough of my face to deem myself totally anonymous enough to be half as bold and daring as i plan on acting that night but everyone else is on board we’ll all just forget about it the next day.
Person 2: That's to specific for you to have made up on the spot, you've thought about this.
Person: It was lady Macbeth that drugged and made the guards drunk, without her Macbeth would just be like “I guess I’ll stab him???”
Person: It’s like playing where’s Waldo but the page is India and I’m Waldo.3Person: Why are there so many frowny faces everywhere?
Person: This group chat is weird. It's either homework, deep philosophical conversations, or memes, there's no in between.
Person 1: Honestly, where DID it come from
Person 2: The endless abyss that is the internet.
Person: Are you really blaming our generational depression on Jake Paul?
Person 1: Oh. My. God. Guys. Keep your carbon dioxide away from my computer.
Person 2: But sharing is caring.
Person 1: But my computer doesn’t need this kinda of negativity in its life right now.
Person: Sweetie, if you think I’m going to stop wearing my favorite dress just because you kissed me in it, you are dead wrong.
Person with a metal straw: I don't drink broke.
Person: My whole life has become that sock on the floor. It's just there. When did life screw us over and then just ex? I’m just gonna write a book, and the last sentence will be life screwed them over and then exed. A story of the main character who gets screwed over, so I can get that 'it be like that sometimes' reaction.
Person in group chat:
Positivity- I will make you feel better about being an idiot.
Self Doubt- I will highlight all of your mistakes and set low standards for you so you'll never be disappointed.
Me to Self Doubt- I'm listening...
Person 1: Sadly the disappointment never goes away...
Person 2: Man we're a sad lot this time of year.
Person 1:It’s almost my favorite time of the year
Person 2:Ahh yes. Singles awareness day, also known as chocolate sales at Walgreens eve, also known as... Valentine's Day.
Person 1:... Oh... I meant rainy season.
Person: Being antivax is like swimming in shark infested waters because you're afraid the bridge could break lmao.
Person: I learned how eat a kumquat this weekend.
Person: It’s so sticky. It’s like clear cheese.
Person: Hamburger helper? More like hamburger help me pass this class.
Person 1: So I slipped on a grape…
Person 2: You got K.O.’ed by a grape (person’s name), how does it feel.
Person 1: Look at me, I’m fine.
Person 2: Well how many drugs did you take.
Person 1: Several.
Person 1: Did you just say it’s ALMOST FEBRUARY?
Person 2: Yes, it’s January 72nd.
Person: I knew your comedic standards where low, but poop jokes? Really?
Person: What? So are you insinuating the fact that reliablest isn't a word?
Person 1: [bitter old man voice] back in my day, tik tok was a kesha song.
Person 2: Back in my day we had wires attached to our AirPods.
Person: There's a reason rainbows aren't straight. Just saying.
Person reading sheet music and seeing mf crescendo: I forgot that mezzo forte was a thing for a second so I thought it said mother fucker as a crescendo but mood
Person: He looks like a fine piece of toasted white bread.
Person: If life hasn't given me a fist bump by now, why should I give life one?
Person: we all died in 2012 this is hell.
Person 1: Who wants a pamphlet on condoms?
Person 2: Why do you have this? Do you collect them?
Person 1: Yah it’s my hobby. I have this one, one on HIV and one on teenage pregnancy.
Person: We live a society where reading about assassins and gory details is a hobby.
Person: Stop breathing so loudly on my thumb!
Person 1: I’m the comic relief.
Person 2: For what?
Person 1: Myself.
Person1: Who’s your valentine this year?
Person 2: Me, myself and I.
Person 1: Wow three valentines, you really can’t keep them away can you?
Person: Why do women gotta get their period, why not men. I wish I was born a seahorse.
Person 1: No we can’t all fit, her car is smol. Like you.
Person 2: Says you miss 5 foot nothing lmao.
Person 1: Hey we’re the same hight so says you miss 5 foot nothing.
Person: No, that’s cheating no emotionally disabling people.
Person 1: Why is it that we’re talking about someone burning eggs on two different group chats.
Person 2: Hey I didn’t burn them.
Person 3: Cause why not?
Person 1: That’s not how an Australian accent works.
Person 2: This is why I’m not Australian, I don’t have the koala-fications.
Person 1: I’m Indian, numbers run through my blood.
Person 2: That’s like saying I’m going to marry my cousin just because I’m white.
Person: So I ate veggies and hummus for lunch but then I counterbalanced it by eating a spoon full of straight Nutella.
Person: Seagulls, California Pigeons, what’s the difference?
Person 1: I humbly apologize and request your forgiveness.
Person 2: I humbly decline your request for forgiveness.
Person: I think I’m permanently stuck somewhere between “If you mess with me I’ll fight” and “If you mess with me I’ll cry.”
Person 1: It was implied!
Person 2: What’s implied is your inability to accept that fact that I’m right!
Person 1: I got lazy because I was eating Pringles.
Person 2: She values Pringles more than me.
Person: Yo, you be the crazy ex girls they be talking about in memes.
Person: I swear (persons name) if I hooked up with squidward in your dream your subconscious and I need to have a little talk.
Person: You get to die, and you get to die! Everybody gets to die!
Person: How do you just add a child?
Person 1: Look at this ink based pencil.
Person 2: A pen?
Person 1: This egg is all broken.
Person 2: It’s like you then, you both broke under the pressure.
Lakshmi: Don’t force your opinion, voice it.
Person 1: If I where a fruit, which one would I be?
Person 2: Sushi.
Person 1:… Sushi isn’t a fruit.
Person: I mean it’s not straight up “Yo come here I’m gunna kill you.”
Person: Bye gays, bye (other girls name).
Person 1: No (person B) stop. Just shut up. You’re making me loose brain cells.
Person 2: But…
Person 1: No. Just no.
Person: Stop. That is non-consensual pizza eating.
Person 1: Cheese is not a vegetable!
Person 2: Well it’s not a meat either!
Person 3: Guys… It’s dairy.
Person: Idiots have priority over just regular dumb people
Person: God melted the polar ice caps just to make it rain for Noah then refroze them. I don’t know (kids name) I’m not god!
Person: You and I will go out, and leave them to their raw fish rolled in sea salad.
Person: Does anyone else get really energized when they change their room? Just me? Okay.
Person: I hope you know I will diss you guys to the end of the earth.
Person: Bruh talk to (person’s name) I don’t know sh… *notices teacher looking at her*…niahhh.
Person 1: The thing is, I don’t want to be 80 that’s rough.
Person 2: Then just die at 50.
Person: You’d be scrambled eggs with hair.
Person: Seeing you two fighting, it’s like seeing a piece of light fighting a black hole.
Teacher: What can you tell me about probability?
Student 1: I hate it.
Student 2: Dont you mean you?
Student 1: Yes both.
Person: My brain has the dumb I’m sorry
Person 1: If my first word was no, I’m assuming that’s foreshadowing for them my family disowns me after I renounce religion and systemic abuse.
Person 2: Or…. You just need to make sure your last word is yes.
Person 1: Yes to what though?
Person 2: ‘Are you dying?’ Yes.’ Pessimism, just your style.
Person 1: That’s true.
Person: My parents don’t message me, they’re the type of people who CALL. Where did I get my social anxiety from??
Person: Well guys it's been great knowing you I’m just going to drown now.
Person: I figured out a new diet regime, it’s called sleeping until noon and just not eating breakfast.
Person: The f on my birth certificate was the doctor paying their respects.
Person: Chocolates with raspberry filling are the sole reason I’m still alive.
Person 1: Isn’t Latin a dead language?
Person 2: You’re a dead language!
Person: Hydrate before you diedrate.
Person 1: you have a son named Spider-Man?
Person 2: what noooo!
Person 3: well don’t expose her!
Person: That awkward moment when you just really don’t care about people.
Person 1: (Person 2) and I will be over here with my virgin margarita and her water.
Person 2: Hey! I want apple juice!
Person 3: Why are you not drinking (Person 1)?
Person 2: Because she’s to single, and also she’d strip.
Person 1: Woahh! How dare you assume that I’m not drinking because I’m to single?
Person 1: Ya know, I think I’m going to have to jazz hands my way through hell.
Person 2: All of us will.
Person: Brown town children, y’all find someone in India?
Person 1: Wow you have the best backup singers.
Person 2: I only hire the best, at least 5 stars in yelp.
Person 1: Well good because that’s the sound they’re making.
Person: The cold kills everything, it’s like my heart.
Person 1: Remember the rolls I brought to school last year that I used to give you? The ones with paneer and the really good spices?
Person 2: Yah?
Person 1: This is not at all the same thing.
Person 1: What’s stevia?
Person 2: It’s like sugar but no.
Person 1: Yeetus Skelettus.
Person 2: Fetus Deletes? Honey, that’s called abortion.
Person: Anything for you. That’s what you said. Anything for you. But when I ask for just one bite of your pasta? No!
Person 1: I've written 1,300 words and don’t have a thesis statement or topic question
Person 2: Yeah, you need to figure that out.
Person 1: you know I had a dream that you where in a romantic relationship with a toaster.
Person 2: wasn’t that your relationship with (ex’s name)?
Person 1: you’d have more chemistry with a toaster.
Person: Can people read colors? Cause I am ooo.
Person: It’s like hands but medusa
Person: You look like a cardboard jellyfish that’s brown
Person 1: Two of us like boys.
Person 2: We all like boys.
Person 1: Two of us like ONLY boys.
Person: you’re like a reverse plant. You convert oxygen into carbon dioxide.
Person: Shhhhh. I’m not in physics, let me be dumb in peace.
Person: Why are you laying down like some greek god, get up you brown child.
Person 1: Do all of you just think you’re going to be single?
Person 2: I already am why not keep the streak going to get a high score?
Person: and now cracks of light are coming out from around the sides like some sort of computer Jesus!
People 1 and 2: Rock Paper Scissors
Person 3: shoot me please.
Person 1: not since 9/11 you can’t.
Person 2: dang. You just tossed your whole country just to prove a point. I’ve never been so proud.
Person 1: what is an angle of depression?
Person 2: it’s my life.
Person 1: no it’s you because it’s not straight.
Person: Boom. Lesbians.
Person 1: Well what if two rocks just washed up at the same time and humans.
Person 2: Evolution.
Person: Watermelon isn’t good anymore, I swear its just water with food coloring.
Person: You being dumb makes me want to correct you, sos too being dumb cause I’m on vocal rest.
Person: well (persons name) who have you a mouth?
Person: Teachers that grade late work deserve all the love and cookies and cake in the world.
Person 1: honestly I just want to die right now.
Person 2: same. Literally same.
Person: I just feel like a single molecule lost in space.
Person: who’s gunna stop me? God? Damn him to hell.
Person: the line is not actually straight it’s like (students name)
Person 1: It’s your favorite sleep deprived gay.
Person 2: But I’m my favorite sleep deprived gay. Self love.
Person 1: We Stan.
Person 1: Why do you have a tool?
Person 2: Because my hair is moist.
Person: eating lead was an otherworldly experience
Person 1: I have everything stolen from me
2: at least you have the tiniest bit of dignity left
3: what dignity?
1: exactly
Person 1:( holding up katsup) does this go on salad?
Person:I’m turning red! Me! A brown girl!
Person: I’m not trying argue that we should date, I’m just saying.
Person 1: what’s your biggest turn on?
Person2 : a light switch
Person 2: or then leaving.
Person 1: what is the most attractive retire on someone
Person 2: my own face
Person: you’d be that one bar do white chocolate that just sits in the feidge because no one wants it
Person: that’s like saying I’d rather see your shirt than your face.
Person: why would I shut up when I can shut (kids name) down
Person: Subtle. Gay. Vibes. I’m telling you.
Person: just watch me write my ee on all the reasons why nick caraway is gay. Just watch me.
Person: Why are you stereotyping. What if the body doesn’t want trucks, what if he wants to be a fairy.
Person: being ace is basically just eww no but like forever.
Person: Stop trying to science your way out of being wrong.
Person: even if you did ask me out I’d still say no so then you’d even be rejected by a trash can
Person 1: you can’t read cheese color.
Person 2: yellow?
Person 1: Think about it like you’re brown
Person 2: She is brown
Person 1: Then act like it
Person: You’re not an ugly frog, you’re a beautiful human being.
Person: I am. Very very dumb. And also. Bisexual.
Person: I was thinking of something smart but then I forgot what it was.
Person: I want to skip the crush phase and just make out with someone.
Person 1: The only way to get into the Holland family is to marry in through Paddy.
Person 2: (Person 1’s name) this isn’t the royal family.
Person: Omigod you looked like the human version of squid ward.
Person: I want to be smart. Where can I learn smart stuff?
Person: But plant the seed and smoke the weed and chop the cane.
Peeeson 1: that is the definition of meter?
Person 2: about 3 feet.
Person 1: okay thanks America
Person 1: who’s Tom Holland?
Person 2: Spider-Man you uncultured swine!!
Person: I am not a children
Person: Ohh dang yeah forgot chickens existed for a while
Person: Hey! Don’t narrate my water!
Person: I don’t read water.
Person: Think of it as a relationship. If you and your ex break up they are salty but you profit because you wanted to end it but if you end it weak, then y’all will argue back and forth and get nowhere with ending it while still exchanging insults.
Person: You know those really sexual mattress adverts?
Person: Oh please, you have the sexual appeal of an easy bake oven.
Person 1: weed is a gate way drug
Person 2: YOURE A GATEWAY DRUG!
Person: (first, middle, last name), I love you to the end of the earth. But you are a daft child.
Person 1: She’s like that type of girl. She’s the long paragraph white girl.
Person 2: Well that’s a niche if I’ve even seen one.
Person 1: swing you two fight is like watching two ants fight.
Person 2: you friking piece of bacteria!
Person: I’m just an intellectual.
Person: I will murder your face off.
Person: that’s like a kilometer tall.
Person: It’s weird when I pet you horizontally.
Person: to be honest I thought those were rocks in a jar for the longest time. Turns out they weren’t.
Person: does she have a brother or gay tendencies
Person: I’m going to slap your hand like it’s a fricking spider.
Person: I like your face better blurry.
Person: every night at about midnight someone starts googling astrology
Person: I will kick you. I will murder your soul.
Person 1: I’m just going to marry a millionaire.
Person 2: Where are you gunna finds a millionaire in this economy?
Person: Welcome to my tea party, there isn’t any tea to drink, but we have a lot of it to spill.
Person: Yah, it was something about sex or something.
Person: You’re all uncultured swines.
Person: I’m about as straight as a sine curve.
Person 1: They’re not Oreo’s you dumb head
Person 2: I know that dumber head.
Person 3 :Shut up dumbest heads
Person: As an ex foetus i can say with authority that if my mother had aborted me i wouldn't have known nor would i have given a fuck
Person: I’ve just accepted I’m going to fail this test. I’ve gone through the 5 stages of grief already.
Person: Yes I’m blind that’s why I need glasses fool.
Person: what the fork do you want you little son of a biscuit.
Person: Anyway now I’m taking Tylenol PM and I’m going to actually sleep tonight that’ll be fun.
Person: I need all the hoodies. ALL OF THEM.
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Supernatural TippiTV Recap: 14-13 “Lebanon”
Okay before we get started. This is a long one and while I think it's pretty funny if I do say so myself, there's also a lot of me just... frickin ranting about John Winchester and rushed plots. If you loved this episode and don't want to see someone snarking about it, this might not be the recap for you.
On the other hand if you're like me and come from the TWoP tradition of snarking about the things we love most, then come on in!
THEN!
Two children talk about how their dad is on a hunting trip and hasn't been home in a while.
Oh wait... holy crap it's Sam and Dean. It took a sec to recognize them without the gravelly voices and almost 14 years of soul-crushing despair.
We also get a reminder of very recent episodes, including the one where Mary learns about the time John threw young Dean's food away because it reminded him of her. It's important to remember what an abusive, hardened asshole John Winchester was... so that we can forget it! Forget it all!
[insert video of recapper letting out a Klingon scream]
NOW!
Sam and Dean mosey on into a pawn shop that I'm positive is in the US because they never leave the US but there's a sign that says the shop buys "jewellery" which is how they spell it in places that also spell "flavor" with a u. Dean flashes a big wad of cash to get the broker to show them "the good stuff."
By this, he means the magical goods, although the secret room looks like a high school drama department prop closet.
Dean says they're looking for the skull of a woman who was executed during the Salem witch trials. While the broker goes looking for it, Sam picks up a teddy bear from, you know, a shelf full of cursed and magical items because it's not as if stuffed animals have ever been dangerous. <cue ironic flashback>
Luckily he's warned away from it before he can unleash some kind of... Pooh demon... probably.
Anyway, it turns out having the skull proves that the broker killed a friend of theirs or something... Honestly, very little of this is going to have any bearing on anything. Long story short, fisticuffs ensue and Dean shoots the broker while he's expositing to Sam. "They always talk too much," Dean says.
Sam and Dean decide to take a bunch of magical items home with them. Although... what if they rightfully belong to other peop---ah screw it.
Okay now... here comes a long, boring subplot about teenagers back in Lebanon, Kansas. The main thing that's pertinent to the show is that Sam and Dean have a certain reputation around town. And no wonder! They park right in front these teenagers and start talking about shit they would never want anyone to hear.
They head into the world's skimpiest liquor store and the owner addresses them as "the Campbell brothers." Say whaaaat? Have they been using their mom's maiden name for a while and I just missed it? I mean, I guess it makes sense because... Actually, I don't remember how much stuff is still in their world about the infamous Winchesters. Like I legit can't remember if Charlie or someone erased their FBI/police records or if it was just some fanon someone told me about.
Also, nothing says "real liquor store" like shelves of bottles turned so that their name brands don't show.
Anyway, Sam stage-whispers to Dean about an ancient Chinese pearl that grants "what your heart desires."
The plan is to get Michael out of his head, but they notice someone is driving off with the Impala. They run out to confront one of the teenagers about it. He confesses that a girl named Max is the culprit, so that we can spend several minutes on this subplot instead of the much more emotional and important main plot.
I mean, we go from the post office to a pizza joint to an old house on the edge of town to catch up to the Impala. Max has apparently brought all that lethal “secret” stuff inside for a party. The camera lingers on that teddy bear again as if it's going to be important to the plot later.
Max, the car thief, has a crush on a girl and ISTG I was prepared to be mad if she died. Like I don't even want this whole subplot at all but I'd be puh-hissed if they had queer characters on just to kill one. Luckily I was wrong and neither of them die. However, the dialog is killing me. "I'm sooo excited for pizza." Tell me you can't imagine Lumpy Space Princess saying that.
Apparently the ghost of John Wayne Gacy (sigh) was waiting for the kids to go in search of pizza before oozing out of a cigar box the Winchesters brought from the pawn shop.
Why is his ghost dressed as a clown? I mean yes I know Gacy was a children's party clown, but it's not like he died in that outfit. Aren't ghosts supposed to be wearing what they died in? OH GOD WHY DO I CARE.
The Winchesters show up and scoot everyone out of the house, but not before at least one kid sees the ghost. Sam zeroes in on the cigar box and Dean points out how Sam's love of serial killers and hatred of clowns are in conflict.
Of course, some of the kids come back in just as the ghost goes up in flames. Sam and Dean decide to just... tell them the whole truth instead of just lying. Like..."Yo, one of the things you stole was secret holographic tech and you could face prison time if you talk about it." See? Easy peasy. Instead, they just trust the kids to never talk about ghosts being real and meeting actual ghost hunters.
I briefly wondered if this was some kind of back door pilot for teen hunters, but I haven't heard anything about that. Granted I didn't actually look that hard.
Once back at the bunker, Sam finds the magic pearl but it's kinda... chalky and medicinal looking. It looks like something Goop would sell to stick up your hoohaw.
Dean decides there's no time to wait because we've already spent too long on teenagers playing hooky. Like, even Sam doesn't really know how to use it. "I guess you just concentrate on what your heart desires," he says, scrunching his face uncertainly. I mean what if this had happened
The music swells dramatically. The lights flicker off dramatically. A shadowy figure approaches... dramatically. Fisticuffs ensue! It's a nice callback to Dean and Sam fighting in the dark in the pilot episode because ta da! It's actually John Winchester! Which we all knew because this was foretold in promotions.
The lights come up, showing... just a whole lot of things for me to process.
Now, at first, things don't seem that weird. We've seen people come back from the dead so many times, it's basically as surprising as buying socks at this point. Except! John isn't back from the dead at all! He's traveled through time! He eventually tells us he's from the year TWO THOUSAND AND THREE. TWO ZERO ZERO THREE.
He's both three years younger than the last time the bros saw him AND 13 years older, because for Jeffrey Dean Morgan, and all the rest of us mortals, time has marched on. Consequently, John Winchester looks like he got stuck in a wormhole for a good while.
Now, kudos to John for recognizing his sons, especially Sam, who looked a little something like this the last time they saw each other.
"Aren't you supposed to be in Palo Alto?" he asks Sam. "And also not a middle-aged man?" he doesn't ask, but I bet he was thinkin' it.
It's just... sigh. I might as well get it all out now. I get what they were going for here. It's the 300th episode and they wanted to have John show up. But because everything is so rushed, they just gloss over anything remotely realistic to the characters. John is all softness and awe the instant the lights go up, instead of bristling and suspicious. Why wouldn't he think it was a djinn or some other creature's doing? "Well we don't have time for him to be as flinty and wary as John would have been in 2003, because we need to get to the part where he spends quality time with his family!" YES EXACTLY. The show is three hundred episodes old now and it deserves more than this speedy treatment put together seemingly for the concomitant promotional opportunity.
Anyway they have a Sit-n-Chat to catch John up on what they've been doing, including the living situation there at the bunker which includes an angel and the son of Lucifer. Goodness only knows what John is picturing.
Now that I think about it, the brothers should be hella wary too. I mean, what if the pearl is cursed? What if John is actually some shambling interdimensional beast masquerading as John? What if the whole thing is just a hallucination brought on by nefarious moon herbs in Paltrow's pookie pearl? They just uncharacteristically seem to rely on the pawn broker's ledger.
Fine! Fine! I’ll drop it.
They talk about how they met John's dad via time travel, too, but don't mention that's why John never saw him again after childhood. They talk about the Men of Letters, finally killing old Yellow Eyes, saving the world... Then just when they're about to tell him that Mary's back from the dead, she actually shows up and starts calling to her sons. What a coincidence! John is pained.
It seems like they didn't tell her, either? Did they just tell her to come over for a surprise or did she just happen to be on her way there anyway? Anyway John and Mary start in on a smoochy reunion so Sam and Dean quietly leave the room.
Sam's like, "How'd this happen?" And Dean's like, "We spent too much time on the teenager subplot instead of looking into this potentially dangerous thing, is how!"
For some reason, John is perusing the library alone instead of... um... making up for lost time with his hot wife. Sam goes to talk to him and finds out Mary's off writing a shopping list for Dean so she can make that emotionally important casserole again. This leads John to admit he fucked up with his kids. Sam is reluctant to blame John because he's had almost 13 years to get over it.
I hate that everyone's acting their little hearts out and all I can think is how painfully contrived the episode is. Whatever problems I have with the writing and the premise, I don't have a problem with the job the actors are doing. Okay, okay, I'm really letting go of it this time.
John rubs Sam's shoulder and tearfully says, "Son, I am so sorry." The cellos of sadness play sadly. "I'm sorry, too," says Sam. "You did your best, Dad. You fought for us, you loved us... that's enough."
It's one thing to decide you're going to move past the shitty, shitty things someone did because you're in the midst of the enormity of what's going on RIGHT NOW. But it's another thing for the show to minimize the past. John did NOT do his best. For fuck's sake, he left a little boy in charge of an even littler boy! Dean knew his Dad was possessed because his REAL dad would never be proud of him! When Dean stole food to feed Sam, John abandoned him to face the consequences!
God damn it I guess I'm not going to let it go, after all!
Anyway, Sam and Dean head into town for groceries and time paradoxes. The liquor store owner no longer recognizes Dean, which is the surest sign that something is Very Wrong. Dean is flabbergasted. "It's me! Dean Campbell! I come in here like... always!"
As Sam heads back to the car, he sees a wanted poster for his bro. It's the old Blue Steel one except I think Sam used to be on it too? He's not anymore. He heads back to the car to tell Dean, but Dean's already been a-googlin' on his phone.
He plays back a video of Sam as a turtleneck-wearing lawyer espousing a raw food diet with plenty of kale. Good lord how much raw food does someone the size of Sam have to eat to fulfill his daily caloric needs?
They kind of hand-wave how these new versions of themselves exist at the same time as the OG versions. "Our timeline is changing to this new one!" Sam says. He says they need to put things back the way they were or they'll be stuck. It's nice of the timeline to work slowly enough that they can figure this out.
Somewhere nearby, the angel Zachariah appears. Castiel moseys up beside him and he's brought some old friends.
They decide to head into the nearest pizza place. The teenagers are there because not even a paradox will get rid of this subplot. "Can I help you?" asks the waitress. I think the usual question would be, "Can I get you a table for two?" but whatever. Zachariah asks her who's been messing with time. "We sensed a disturbance in the, well, let's call it the Force," he says. Naturally, she's very confused, and even more confused when he says they're from Heaven.
He says he'll have Castiel murder everyone if they don't tell him what's going on. To emphasize this, Castiel whips out his angel mojo.
Sam and Dean see the bright light from across the street and come running in. Sam's like, "Zachariah?!" and Dean's like, "Cas?!" and Cas is like, "Is that with one S or two, and also who are you?"
Zachariah exposits that Heaven had big plans for the Winchesters but then their dad suddenly disappeared in 2003. Why wouldn't the angels assume the disappearance and the time event are connected? Why'd they have to just start asking questions in a random pizzeria? Fisticuffs ensue!
Zachariah force-chokes Sam while asking him for an explanation. Why do villains always try to make people talk while they're choking? Pick one or the other! But this gives Sam a chance to surprise Zachariah with an angel blade in the heart. Oh, Zachariah. Destined to die by Winchester in every version.
Meanwhile, Dean and Castiel are still tussling even though I'm pretty sure Castiel could kill them both pretty quick. Sam joins in for a bit, but gets flung into a table. If there's a table around, someone's getting flung into it. Then he goes back to strangling Dean instead of finishing off Sam, giving Sam a chance to make one of those angel-vanquishing sigils with his own blood.
They go back home. Dean explains the whole paradox thing to John. If he doesn't return to 2003, Dean will live the same life but alone, Mary will never have come back to life, and Sam will devastate kale crops like a moose-sized locust.
John agrees to go back. "Me versus your mom, that's not even a choice." That's... a weird way to phrase that dilemma. At the same time, Sam is delivering the news to Mary. He says "the lore is pretty clear" that if they destroy the pearl, everything goes back the way it was. What lore? They knew jack squat about it before they used it. Mary has some questions.
John tells Dean he's proud of him and I slightly expect Dean to whip a gun out on him. "I never meant for this.... I guess I hoped that eventually you get yourself a normal life..a family..."
WHAT.
WHAAAAAT.
He did nothing to prepare them for a normal life! Leaving your kids in motel rooms, never letting them settle down in one school, issuing ultimatums when Sam wanted to go to college? Man, Dean should've been like, "Nah, that was your other son, Adam, who got to live a normal life... at least until a ghoul ate him and his body was used by an archangel." But Dean is nicer than me, I guess. "I have a family," he says.
They decide to eat dinner even though who knows when the timeline is going to snap into place permanently. Oh my God they even take the time to wash the dishes after. They have a nice chat and again, everyone's acting their little hearts out and I'm trying not to be distracted. Dean tells Sam he doesn't want to change the past. "I'm good with who I am. I'm good with who you are." Please let that stick with no reversions to self-loathing and I'll retroactively like this episode more.
They cut to this shot and for a second I thought it was Sam and Dean holding hands at the sink.
Of course it's John and Mary. Sad piano plays sadly. John's not going to remember anything, but the rest of them will. Oh man what if John got Mary pregnant during his visit. Sam and Dean were out shopping for a while. I wish I hadn't thought that, but now that I have, you all have to be witness to my horrible brain's meanderings.
John reiterates that he's proud of them. So this time Sam pulls a gun on him! No, he doesn't. They all hug and cry genuine tears before John goes back to holding hands with Mary. Sam reluctantly smashes the pearl to bits. Seems like Dean would have to be the one to smash it since he's the one who made the wish, but it works and John slowly fades out of the present.
Everything goes back to normal, including the teenagers remembering and loudly discussing the existence of monsters in public.
Castiel returns to the bunker in his newer, homelier coat and less erotically tousled hair. "What happened?" he asks. The response in my brain:
Back in 2003, John wakes up in the Impala to the sound of his flip phone ringing. Smart phones are great and all but man I miss the battery life of my flip. It's the Dean of the day calling to check on him. John, although he's not supposed to remember anything from the future, seems to have experienced it as some kind of dream. He seems nicer, too. This will probably have no bearing on the timeline, though... right?
I mean, is that 2019 casserole still in his stomach? Did the wine turn back into grapes? Probably not but these are the kinds of things I think about.
Sigh.
I feel the episode does a disservice to its main characters. I've already ranted more than enough so I'll just pick one example:
If Sam had gone on to live a normal life, he would've become a cold-hearted douchebag who tells people that hobbies and families are a waste of time. Like, ha ha yes it's amusing that Sam is the leaf-munching Steve Jobs of law, but what's the meaning here? Are we saying that wanting to get an education for himself means he's a selfish asshole? Like this is the alternative to the codependent relationship with Dean that formed because of their father? Argh.
The John apologia is just so clunky and unnecessary. John could've said, "I should've done more than teach you to hunt monsters... prepared you for a normal life so you could have a family." Then Dean ccould say, "Being able to kill monsters kept us alive long enough so that we figured out things for ourselves. And we do have a family." Bam! It lets John be rueful without rewriting the past or having Dean swallow all the years of hurt and it even acknowledges that knowing how to hunt isn't a bad thing.
Thank you for sticking with the recap to the end! I do still intend to recap past episodes but things have been kind of stressful. Just staying afloat has been a chore some days.
For updates and info you can check here: https://www.gofundme.com/winter-rent-and-dog-care
I also have a virtual tip jar of sorts here: https://www.paypal.me/tippiblevins
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RWBY V6 CH13 (Season Finale) Review: Our Way
Well... we made it guys. RWBY Volume 6 Chapter 13. The grand finale. It feels like we just began, but still like it was so long ago. It's been one Hell of a ride. Train crashes, traumatic flashbacks via blue genie ladies, Zombie Grimm, confirmed lesbians, mechas, a VERY satisfying villain death, and now a kaiju. It's been quite a journey, and now it's time to bring it to a close. Can our heroes save the day? Can they catch their dreams together and keep rising like the moon? For the final time this volume, lets find out.
Overview
We begin... not in Argus. No, we're in some kind of forest area where we see a Mistral airship arrive. Turns out it got snatched by Neo, who they FINALLY gave a new outfit. It looks really good! She's not the only one as Cinder makes her appearance... and not gonna lie, she's pretty damn hot. She's very pleased with how things are going, especially when Neo uses her power to mask the ship as an Atlas ship. Which will make their infiltration of Atlas all the easier. As she climbs aboard, Cinder comments on how sometime ago, someone asked her if she believed in destiny. If you all recall, she replied yes... and she's happy to say that she still does. Haha... I can't wait for this to be the equivalent of Adam's “It's time I get what I deserved” line for when Ruby kicks your sorry ass! Seriously, I gave the middle finger to this scene. Screw you Cinder.
Okay, back to Argus! Cordovan is furious, repeatedly putting the blame on Ruby and the team for causing all of this. Blake and Yang rejoin the group as Weiss points out that they just took out the one thing that can stand a chance against the Leviathan. Everyone boards the ship as the Atlas Military fight the Grimm off, even activating a hard light shield around the city. Cordovan continues her rantings as her men call for her help. Blake tearfully apologizes to everyone as the ship takes flight, blaming herself as if Adam hadn't interfered, they'd have gotten out with no issues. Yang tells her to not blame herself and Ruby telling her that all that matters is that she's safe. The two even have a cute little hug! Aww!
Maria points out that with the military occupied, this is THE perfect chance to get by and continue to Atlas. But of course by doing so, they leave the chance of the Grimm killing everyone in Argus. Ruby opens her mouth, clearly about to refuse... but her teammates reply first. All three refuse to run. They are Huntresses, and they will fight until the bitter end to protect everyone. Maria seems pleased by this, but things are still not good as the Leviathan's fire breath tears straight through the shields. If it breaks through all of them, then Argus is as good as destroyed. Therefore, Ruby knows what she has to do. She calls out to Atlas' forces, telling them that she is a Huntress and that she can weaken it. How? Well... remember Maria's comments about Ruby needing a trial by fire to train her Silver Eyes? Well my friends, the trial has come.
Maria starts to comment on how she didn't mean like this, but Ruby isn't hearing it. She was able to use the Eyes at Beacon and at Brunswick, so she believes that she can do this. The Argus base, due to the ship being deemed hostile, refuse to aid them. So what does Ruby do? Decide that they'll do ti themselves. With Ren and Jaune keeping the ship masked, the plan is to get before the Leviathan and for Ruby to Silver Eyes blast it. It' a good plan... but by the time they get there, the Leviathan has charged up another attack. They're forced to pull back and both Jaune and Ren's already weakened Auras break. With no one sure of what to do now, Ruby looks to Weiss, a new plan formed.
As Yang and Nora shoot at the Leviathan to keep ti distracted, Weiss summons the Queen Lancer. Ruby hops on, telling herself that she can do this as she flies before the Leviathan. She closes her eyes, even throwing out her earpiece when Yang tries to reach out to her, and begins to think back through her memories. She thinks of the ones she loves like her father, her teammates, her friends, Penny... all the memories that make her feel happy and the urge to protect. But as she does, the darker memories begin to fill her mind. Seeing Jaune's broken state in V4, Yang's broken state at the end of V3, the sight of Yang in the V3 finale. And of course the deaths of both Pyrrha and Penny. All of these BTW use these 2D manga-style images. I honestly would have preferred they just use clips or stills of these moments... but they still look nice. But with the reminder of those dark moments, Ruby's concentration breaks. The Leviathan takes notice of her, and it prepares to attack.
Realizing that she is in trouble, Ruby takes notice of the Lamp. In panic, she calls out Jinn's name. Time freezes aside from herself, and she apologizes for she does not have a question to ask. She needed the time freezing power of Jinn's summoning to buy herself time. Jinn knows this, and decides to grant a pass on her summoning, but she will not allow so again. She DOES however compliment Ruby on her cleverness. With extra time now bought, Ruby again closes her eyes and remembers. This time, she is smiling in confidence as she remembers all the happy moments from the past volumes. Time begins to move again as she remembers those she loves, her team, JNPR, Qrow, Oscar, even Maria. It all culminates to a vision of one person in particular in the only Maya-animated shot of this flashback. We sees a white-cloaked woman standing at a familiar cliff-side, red and white rose petals flying around her as she turns around. Yes everyone, we have finally gotten our first glimpse of Ruby's mother, Summer Rose. With that and all of these thoughts in her mind and a new song titled Indomitable playing, Ruby unleashes the power of her Silver Eyes. With one massive blast,t he Leviathan is turned to stone. The Argus citizens cheer as Ruby can take in a sigh of relief... well, almost.
The Leviathan begins to break free of the stone, bringing Ruby back to panic. But not for long as Cordovan takes over, having dis-attached the broken arm and uses the other one to create a drill and truly destroy the Leviathan. She opens the cockpit to face Ruby personally, who thanks her and apologizes for her and her friend's actions. But, to my shock, Cordovan says that her forces can handle the remaining Grimm and that it's unlikely that anyone will take notice of one ship leaving in her report. Yes everyone, Cordovan is finally allowing Ruby and the gang to take the ship and go on to Atlas. Ruby smiles and rejoins the others as they head off.
Night falls and they have enough fuel to make it to Atlas. Qrow compliments Ruby as he gets his flask... before lowering his arm and telling her to not scare him like that again. He earns a hug from Ruby for that! As she walks off, Maria compliments Qrow on his efforts. While Qrow feels guilty for essentially causing so many issues, Maria points out that he still helped when the time came, and that was good. Qrow seems to be genuinely happy hearing this, complimenting Maria and how it was great to see the Grimm Reaper in action. With the others, Weiss apologizes to Blake for what she had to endure, but is glad that Yang was there to help her. Yang takes Blake's hand, saying that they were there for each other. It seems that the Bumblebee pair's relationship is restored... and may now be canon if Renora is anything to go by XD
Everyone turns to Ruby, Ren pointing out all the crazy but awesome stuff she did. Embarrassed, Ruby points out how Oscar managed to make a successful crash landing. Except... eh didn't. Oscar reveals that during the crash, eh got help... from Ozpin. While he didn't take control, he DID calm Oscar down and guide him on landing before vanishing again. Yang asks if he had been watching them this whole time, but Oscar isn't for sure. Guess we'll leave that open ended for now as Qrow tells them to come over and check out the view of Atlas. We get our first look, and... damn it looks AMAZING. You guys ever seen the Hayao Miyazaki film Castle in the Sky? Think that! There's only... one issue. There's an entire air armada guarding the city, as though awaiting an attack. Control welcomes the ship home, and cue the credits!
But of course, there's one more scene to talk about. First, the credit song Nevermore is AMAZING! It is very much a “Fuck you Adam: song and both Casey and a guest singer named Adrienne Cowan absolutely KILLED it. After hat though, we have of course the stinger. We see Emerald enter the meeting room, the windows still broken and the table still turned over. She sees Mercury and gets ready to apologize for Chapter 9... but sees that he is looking horrified. In a mirror to how the Mistral storyline began in Volume 4, Emerald looks out and is also horrified. Why? Salem is summoning an army of... those gorilla Grimm I can't remember the name of. But that's not all. With her powers, she gives them all wings. You know... kinda like those flying monkeys from that movie that also has a witch and a wizard named Oz. Hazel walks in, referring to an old saying “If you want something done right, do it yourself”. Salem continues to summon her Grimm as Volume 6 truly comes to an end.
Review
So... what did I think of the finale? Well.. give me a second. Taking in a deep breath... okay, here it goes: AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
I LOVED IT!!!
Okay, we have a lot to go through, so lets get through the small stuff first. First, the stinger scares me. It's a great bookend, calling back to when the Mistral arc began so it's only appropriate that it end with Emerald and Mercury one more looking on in horror at the Grimm pools. Salem is clearly no longer fooling around and is taking matters into her own hands. It's great Wizard of Oz reference... that makes me very concerned about both Ruby and Oscar since IDK which one is meant to be Dorothy in this case, but still I AM CONCERNED. It's a very good way to end things and to leave us in anticipation for the next volume. Same for the beginning with Neo and Cinder, which again Cinder can go to Hell. But it was a nice scene and they look great in their new outfits. Hopefully this signals that RWBY will also get some new ones! Come on RT, GIVE THEM COATS AT LEAST!
Okay, let us talk about Ruby now. Dear God, RUBY. I've said this several times now, but she has been SO GOOD in this volume. Clearly CRWBY listened to the critiques about the last volume because they've just been killing it with her. This was, of course, the biggest moment for her. Ruby has truly grown and stepped up. She lead when everyone else gave up, she remained committed to the task despite all the doubt and uncertainty, and she did everything in her power to fight back and accomplish her goal. This is, by far, her greatest moment since beheading the Nevermore in V1. She chooses to fight, even when Argus refuses to aide her. She faces the Leviathan head on. She actually remembers about the Silver Eyes and uses what Maria has told her to turn the Grimm to stone. Yeah it didn't work fully, showing that she still has a long way to go to mastering her power, but she still pulled it off and the clever use of Jinn to buy herself time to regain herself was an AWESOME move. And Jinn let her get away with it! Nice!
The entire scene was just great. The flashbacks, while I again would have preferred actual footage or stills, still looked really nice. You could feel how Ruby felt, trying and at first uncertain before the dark memories come back. Then she tries again, much more confident, and uses the memory of her loved ones to unleash her power all on her own, Not out of trauma or fear. Not form Maria needing to guide her. No, she did it all on her own volition. Ruby is no longer that same naive girl form Volume 1 who asked Glynda for an autograph cause she was a Huntress. No, now SHE is the Huntress. She recognizes her responsibility. No longer is it a young girl's naive fantasy, but her sacred duty, and she WILL carry it out. And it wasn't only Ruby. Her teammates, who went to Beacon for personal reasons over the duty and were having serious doubts to their commitment, immideatly refuse to run and to fight on with zero hesitation. These kids have grown so much, and I couldn't be prouder.
I think my only issue is... well, Cordovan. While there is truth in her blaming the kids, she escalated it to unnecessary lengths with the mecha and refused to listen. And she gets away with it. She also takes a 180 on her attitude, which just feels unsatisfying. I mean I'm glad that she let them through, but she receives zero comeuppance for her actions and attitude. It wasn't enough to deter form the finale, but it DID leave me annoyed.
So guys, after one Hell of a journey, the team have made it to Atlas. Which as I said, it looks stunning. There is of course reason to worry since Ironwood's paranoia seems to have gotten worst, but at least they're being allowed in. So... what happens now? Hard to say. There's a ton of possibilities. Hopefully some new outfits, as I said. There's the Winter Maiden, Ironwood's state, potential STRQ stuff, and probably some consequences to this volume since they don't have Ozpin to talk Ironwood down now. With Cinder and Neo on their way, as well as Watts and Tyrian, we've got plenty of worry for our heroes. And of course, there's Penny's father and the Schnee family. A lot of things are coming up I imagine. But all for another time. For now, everyone made it safe and sound. And as a familiar song once stated “that's all that matters somehow.”
Final Thoughts
I don't think I need to emphasize how much I loved this chapter. Think I did that plenty. It was a great wrap-up to what I can now call my favorite volume of the series. I have one more review to do, a full RWBY Volume 6 review. After that, aside form any Character Shorts or stuff that comes out, I'll be done with RWBY until the Fall. So I will see you all in the season review, and thank you all for reading!
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I’ll Show You the Way: Chapter 4
Summary: Wyatt’s phone demanding his attention is the last thing he wants right now. Lucy has his attention - she always has his attention. She’s saying something about them having nowhere to go but down. And all Wyatt wants to do is groan, and tell her not to jinx them before they’ve even begun. But if the words he’s currently reading on his phone are any indication, jinx them is exactly what Lucy has just done… / Canon divergent from 2x03, Hollywoodland.
FFnet / AO3
I apologise for the delay in this chapter... I was off raiding tombs in South America. But now that I've finished playing Shadow of the Tomb Raider (it was so freaking good!!! and I hate that I got through it so quickly! I'm so tempted to go back and play this trilogy again!!) updates should be more frequent... I'm not going to promise that though...
Also, thankyou to @modernlifehistorian for letting me steal doctor!Michelle!
It’s been 3 days. 3 days since they returned from 1692. 3 days since Lucy was injured saving the women of Salem, and ultimately doing something he’d never thought he’d see her do… change history. 3 days that Wyatt has spent sat at her bedside, day and night, praying to any god that will listen for her to wake up and be okay. A part of him hopes that this break Rittenhouse seem to be giving them is Carol’s influence. The woman may be the reason they were caught in the middle of the Salem Witch Trials to begin with, but if he’s right, if this is her influence, then there’s a chance she can be saved. There’s a chance they can convince her to betray Rittenhouse and help them destroy them. There’s a chance Lucy does have some family left. But there’s also a part of him that doesn’t want that, no matter how much more pain it will cause Lucy… What kind of mother sends her daughter to be hung as a witch?
There was a time in his life, when Wyatt didn’t even know Lucy existed. Now? Now, he can’t imagine his life without her in it. Whether that’s just as friends, if he decides to try things again with Jess, or as something more if he decides to finally put the past behind him.
His brain is telling him to honour the vow he made to Jess, to give their marriage another chance. Right now - sat at Lucy’s side, not knowing whether or not she’s going to wake up and be okay - his heart is screaming at him to choose the unconscious woman in front of him. But he knows that as soon as he see’s Jess again, as soon as he’s reminded of all they once had, and all they could have again, his heart and his brain will switch camps. His brain will argue for Lucy, and his heart will argue for Jess… So, where does that leave me?
“I can hear you thinking from out in the common room…” Jiya says from the doorway, a sympathetic look on her face.
That look is all he’s gotten from the few people he’s seen in the last few days, and he just wishes they’d stop. He doesn’t need their sympathy. He just needs Lucy to wake up, for her to tell him that everything’s going to be okay.
Jiya smirks and steps into the room. “She’s a fighter… She’s going to wake up and kick your ass for moping around here for 3 days.”
“She can kick my ass as much as she likes, as long it means she’s awake and going to be okay.” Wyatt’s eyes never stray from where they’re focused on her chest. He’s too scared that if he looks away, it’ll stop rising and falling, a sure sign that she’s alive and breathing.
“I brought you some food.” She holds up the plate in her hands. He hadn’t realised how hungry he was until he laid eyes on the plate. “I didn’t think you’d want to leave her long enough to get some yourself.”
“Thanks.” Wyatt smiles and accepts the food. Jiya isn’t someone he’s really made the effort to get to know throughout this whole thing, and in this moment he’s starting to wonder why. “You’re a goo-”
He cuts himself off when the hand he’s holding tightens it’s grip. Wyatt snaps his head towards the woman on the bed, hope rising within him for the first time in what feels like a lifetime. “What? What is it?” Jiya steps forward, her eyes flicking between her two friends.
“She squeezed my hand.” A smile tugs at the corners of his lips. “Luce? Come on, Professor. Open your eyes, just… please.”
Her voice is hoarse and her throat dry. It’s a struggle for her to get the words out but one is clear. “Wyatt.” He’s never been so happy to hear his name.
He brings their clasped hands up to his lips, his free hand moving to brush the hair off of her face. “I’m here. I’m right here.”
“Here.” Neither of them had noticed Jiya leave the room, or return, but the bottle of water she’s now holding out to them certainly wasn’t in here before.
He takes the bottle with a small nod, before turning back to Lucy. The alarm suddenly echoing through the bunker is the last sound he wants to hear, as he brings the bottle to her lips, holding her head up slightly.
“I’ll go see what’s going on.” Jiya slips out of the room, leaving the pair alone once more.
Lucy’s eyes pop open, clearly surprised by the sound. It’s seconds before she’s screwing them shut tight and squirming in an attempt to get as far away from the noise as possible. The covers tucked tightly around her do nothing to help.
Seeing her distress, Wyatt moves from the chair he’s occupied for 3 days, to perch on the side of her bed. He presses a hand to the mattress at the other side of her, keeping his weight off her as he leans over her. “Shh… It’s okay.”
“No, no, no.”
Wyatt squeezes his hands between her body and the mattress, as he pulls her up into his arms. Wrapped in his embrace, she soon calms down, her breathing evening slowly as unconsciousness takes over once more.
“That’s it.” Wyatt lowers her back down, tucking the covers back around her. “Rest. I’ll go see what all the noise is about.”
“Where’d they go?”
The words sail right over his head as he fastens the buttons on his shirt. It may not be historically accurate for 1934, but it’s the best they can do in their current situation.
“Hey!” Jess steps into the room, and waves a hand in his face. “Earth to Wyatt…”
He snaps his head up in her direction, frowning slightly… How is she- Oh, right! The timelines. “Huh?”
“Righthouse? Where’d they go?” Seeing him fumble with the buttons, she steps in and fastens the rest of the shirt for him. It’s more intimate than they’ve been in years.
“Rittenhouse, they umm… 1934. We don’t know why.” He all but ignores her as he leaves the room and heads towards the lifeboat. The quicker they leave, the quicker they can put a stop to whatever Rittenhouse has planned, the quicker he can get back to Lucy.
Rufus is up at the console with Jiya, making sure they’re good to go when he and Jess make it to the lifeboat. He’s not sure where Flynn is, and honestly he couldn’t care less.
“Good to go?” Wyatt stops by the console, as Rufus presses one last button, before turning to say a quick goodbye to Jiya.
“Yup, you?” Rufus slaps him on the back as he climbs into the lifeboat first.
“As I’ll ever be.” He shrugs, following the pilot up into the giant eyeball. “The sooner we stop them, the sooner I can get back to where I need to be.”
“Good luck!” Jess calls to them both from bellow somewhere.
Rufus turns to Wyatt, and sends him a look the soldier can’t quite decipher. “Oh, man. The missus and the ex… welcome to every man’s worst nightmare.”
Flynn pauses in the doorway as he climbs in. “You just quoted something, didn’t you?”
The two men glare at the ex-time bandit. The last thing they want is to go on this trip with Garcia Flynn, but they weren’t really given any other choice.
When the lifeboat returns, Lucy is stood at the console with Jiya. They watch as Wyatt and Rufus climb from the lifeboat, pulling an unconscious figure out with them. A glimpse of the man’s face has Lucy groaning, as she brings her hand up to pinch the bridge of her nose. “Please tell me that’s not who I think is.”
“It’s not who you think it is.” She begins to sigh with relief at Rufus’s words, until… “Unless you think it’s a young JFK, then it’s definitely who you think it is.”
“This is why you guys should not travel without me.” She mumbles to herself, before snapping her head back up to look at them, a determined look in her eye. “Okay. It’s not the end of world. So, he’s not in the right time period. It could be worse. Yeah, it could be so much worse. He could be dead, he could be in the hands of Rittenhouse, he could… Who am I kidding!? This is a disaster.”
Wyatt transfers the weight of the future - past? - president to Rufus, leaving him free to approach the panicking historian. He grips her arms, putting a stop to her pacing, before he runs his hands up her arms to cradle her face between his palms. “Stop. Breathe.”
Lucy nods quickly, following his instructions.
“Better?”
She shakes her head, no. Breaking free of Wyatt’s hold on her, she begins to pace again. “Why the hell did you think this was a good idea!?”
“Well, our only other option was to let Emma kill him, so…” Rufus shrugs from across the room, where he’d just dropped the unconscious form of JFK to the sofa in the common area.
Lucy calms a little at his words. “Okay, yeah… this is preferable to that alternative.” Neither would have happened at all, if you’d let me go though… She begins to nod slowly. “Um… Why don’t you guys try and get him conscious. Wyatt, can we talk?”
Not many people have asked him that question in his life time, but every time they have, it’s never been good news. He doubts this time is any different. He nods slowly, hesitant in answering. “Uh… Yeah? Yeah, sure.”
“So, um… What did you want to talk about?”
Wyatt’s visibly nervous, and it’s cutest thing Lucy has ever seen. She lets him sweat a little longer, smiling softly at him, which only makes him sweat more.
“Relax, Wyatt. You’re not in trouble.” She laughs slightly as he releases a deep breath. “Agent Christopher brought her wife here to check my arm while you were gone.”
Wyatt frowns and cocks his head slightly. “Why would she do that?”
She mirrors his cocked head. “Turns out Michelle is a doctor.”
“Okay…” His eyes flick to where he knows the wound sits on her arm beneath the sleeve of her shirt… or is that his shirt? “What did she say? Are you okay?”
Lucy brings her hands up to smooth over his face, as if to wipe away all his worries. “I’m perfectly fine. It looked a lot worse than it actually is.”
Wyatt breathes a second sigh of relief in as many minutes. This conversation isn’t doing any good for his health.
“I um… when she took some blood to run tests, I also asked her too check that other thing we talked about before you left.”
Her words confirm something he’s been suspicious of since he returned. Another timeline shift. Before he left, Lucy was barely conscious, and now she’s up and about as if the cut on her arm was nothing more than a paper cut. Which for all he knows, in this timeline it could well be just that. “You… uh…-”
“You were right.” Her smile is wide, and she looks happier than he’s ever seen her.
How is he supposed to respond when he has no idea what she’s talking about? He itches to tell her - he knows he should - but he can’t let himself dampen her mood. After everything they’ve been through, she deserves this moment of joy. Instead he mirrors her smile and prompts her to continue.
“I’m pregnant.”
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Timeless re-watch, S2x03: Hollywoodland
I ate my feelings in leftover birthday cake tonight before this episode aired, and I can’t sleep. So, re-watch it is:
Previouslies:
The Jessica convo. Not like that isn’t foreshadowing or anything.
Every time I see the “You IDIOT! You’re in love with Lucy” convo from the season premiere, I mentally replace Rufus’ voice with Ren from Ren & Stimpy.
And away we go:
This sleeper agent gets dropped in LA and he’s what, 18 maybe? How young were Emma and Ryan Millerson when they got dumped in the past? That’s some serious indoctrination there.
And Jiya sees the mission to the Salem Witch Trials! Yikes.
Oh Rufus, keeping this from Time Team Mom and Dad is not good. And throwing your girl under the bus is even worse.
Oh lord, going to visit Flynn again. Not loving this status quo. And how is it possible that Flynn isn’t in solitary?
“Do you have any ability to do this on your own?!” = a question I would dearly like to have answered myself
I forget - is it possible for the pilots to plan where they land? Rufus just dropped the Lifeboat in the shadow of the freakin’ Griffith Observatory!
The 40s aesthetic really suits all of our Time Team. That green sweater is especially nice on Matt Lanter.
Quick aside here - the cast and writers rightfully get so much love for how well this show works, but the production team deserves as much, if not more credit. Time travel shows succeed just as much in the production team’s ability to faithfully establish the era they’re representing, and Robert Duncan (music), John Zachary (production design) and Mari-An Ceo (costuming) all completely KILLED IT in this episode.
Back to the episode - the team is getting slightly better at their cover stories?
Wyatt’s tip of his fedora is charming.
Oh, c’mon, you guys, you KNEW it couldn’t be that easy, right?
Barney Balaban, proving that the film industry has not changed ONE IOTA in nearly 80 years.
“YOU NEVER SAW IT?!” - Lucy and Rufus are my co-workers from back in my days at Turner Sports when I confessed that I’d never seen any of the “dude” movies - Caddyshack, Animal House, and the like. Methinks a movie night is in order for the Time Team.
I would have liked an extended scene in the costume shop of the team trying on clothes - Wyatt and Rufus as fashion police never fails to crack me up.
So, not all of the sleeper agents are on suicide missions. Interesting. In this long gameplan, did no one consider the possibility that these sleepers might want to stay right where they were once all was said and done? How do you jump back to 2018 after you’ve essentially grown up and built a life for yourself in the past?
Time Team Mom and Dad are fighting again, nooooooooooooooooooooo
DAMN, Malcolm and Matt wear those tuxes well. *swoons*
Poor Lucy - she is once again in the presence of one of her idols, and said idol only has eyes for Rufus!
Hedy is a damn genius, the way she plays Rufus into blowing their cover.
Jurassic Park? DING! And there’s your Rittenhouse agent. How, exactly, are you going to make a dinosaur movie with the VFX available in the 40s?
Matt does sing a little in the gag reel for season one, but yeah, he’s not on Abby’s level.
Lucy needs a nip of liquid courage before she puts herself out there. We’ve all been there.
Wyatt’s “Oh, shit, I am SO SCREWED” face is the.best.
The commercial breaks in this episode seem really weirdly placed.
No offense, NBC, but I am definitely going to be skipping Jesus Christ Superstar.
Hedy and Rufus, getting their science on!
And the plan becomes clear .....
So, I’m confused about the “three people in the Lifeboat” issue - did Mason send more than one pilot at a time, or does the Lifeboat glom onto specific biosignatures, or what?
Also, Mason: YOU.ARE.AN.ASSHOLE.
Hedy’s house looks so familiar, and if it weren’t for the fact that the show’s been off the air for like five years, I would swear it’s a re-dressed version of the Bartowskis’ townhouse from Chuck.
How convenient that George, Hedy and Rufus wander off to check out Hedy’s inventions . . . . .
OMG, SERIOUSLY, Can we please have more of Matt Lanter in shirtsleeves and suspenders?
DAMMIT WYATT, GET YOUR FOOT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH BEFORE YOU CHOKE ON THE DAMN THING
Why am I not in the least bit surprised that Lucy was a debater?
JFC THIS SCENE IS GOING TO KILL ME. I saw this before the show aired in the States and STILL. *unf*
WTF?! WORST.CUT.TO.BREAK.EVER. Seriously, that wasn’t even a good transition.
Side note - apparently there was an alternate take that ended with Wyatt and Lucy smooching in the pool. I’m sure it will end up on the Season 2 DVD, but I kinda prefer the final product, honestly.
At least we got the morning after?
“Is this an HR issue?” Somehow I don’t think Christopher is going to care.
I have my DVR paused at the EXACT moment when Rufus busts in and I.AM.DYING. *note to self: screencap this tomorrow night*
Is Wyatt secretly Wolverine? I see no scars on his back.
“I was looking for the both of you ..... and here you are. And this is me leaving.” I am seriously crying I am laughing so hard. I love Malcolm Barrett SO MUCH.
“Busted!” “Nah, he’ll be cool.”
No, really, what the hell happened to Wyatt’s scars? Those suckers were nasty, and that shit doesn’t heal quickly.
Uh, what?! The Lifeboat cured Jiya?
“Sooooooooo, how was your night?” DYING.AGAIN.
“So, is this happening? Is it happening?” - nice callback to Bonnie & Clyde
“It’s my favorite time period.” - five bucks says Lucy has an account at Modcloth
At least the security guard isn’t going to be on Wyatt’s body count.
Oh, Rufus, brave but crazy.
RUFUS! NOT AGAIN!
Yep, this is a terrible plan. Flynn in the bunker is maybe the worst idea ever. As Paterson Joseph noted during Saturday’s panel at Wondercon, “He’s the type of roommate who could murder you in your sleep.”
Are Wyatt and Lucy playing Scrabble?
These two .... I just can’t. They’re SO ADORABLE AND AWKWARD.
Oh, Wyatt. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Did you really think you weren’t going to trip the alarms?
I would love to pretend that this final two minutes didn’t happen - and it might have been better if they’d held it off until 2x04 - but alas, no can do. It happened and there’s gonna be fallout. Group Hug, #Clockblockers. It’s gonna be okay. Eventually.
Damn, this was really long. Thanks for reading!
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[SF] [RO] Wings of the Quantum Angel
"Once upon a time-" my father began as I cut him off. Age was the primary factor as to who heard it first, being seven the wings flapping above us was heard by me first. "D-Dad..." I said nervously. He glanced towards the roof as it creaked. He was unable to hear it move but the area's around it he could hear, the creaking, splintering wood above us was easily heard by the thirty two year old man.
"Stay quiet..." he told me, a hushed tone, dread sapping the confidence out of his normally powerful voice. I knew the drill, we all did. My older brother, who was only ten at the time, cocked the military issued delta rifle. It was better to have a child, as twisted as it sounded, on the front lines against angels as they could perceive them better than adults for an unknown reason. It didn't have anything to do with them being invisible to adults, rather, somewhere after the age of twenty five, the human mind begins to degenerate, not so drastically that it kills them but just naturally. Angels, what the military had deemed them, used this to their advantage, somehow with sonic and psionic pulses, tricking an adult into thinking that nothing was even there. Angels have existed for centuries, forming around before the 1700's, bogeymen, bigfoot, Lock Ness monster, all technically angels. What are they? Many people back in the late 21st century speculated they were magical monsters, but science has proven otherwise. They are the physical manifestation of human delusion and fear, an accidental side effect of the Salem Witch trials. As explained by Dr. Francis Dale in an article he wrote twenty years before my birth, “Human beings are the most intelligent thing that has ever existed on the planet. Our intelligence as a side effect can and has effected reality. Human perception of fearing others has, somehow, effected our reality in a way we do not fully understand. If enough people, for an unknown reason, believe in something, it becomes reality.” That monster under your bed as a child was real for the sheer fact you believed it was real. For unexplained reasons, angels manifested in the middle of the 21st century, enough people most likely fearing World War II as the first World War and original World War II was deemed two parts of the same war, renamed probably due to people’s extreme terror about nuclear war, somehow the words “World War II” being less terrifying than “World War III.” I don’t make changes, I just follow them. All three of us in that tiny rural Russian cabin focused on the angel moving away from us, trying to force our perception of the creature to become its reality. It is far, far too complex of a process to explain to anyone not living with angels. To put it simply, if humans perception of fear and delusion can turn into a biological creature, then those same delusions and in this case hopefulness of the creature leaving, can affect its actions. Even though it has been tried, scientists cannot erase the creature’s existence as the fear of them is far, far too prevalent throughout the world. If the twelve billion people in the world all believed none of them existed, then they would cease to exist, but no way in hell anyone is convincing that many people to do that.
A thin, inhumanly long oily arm reached through our window, Class III, six jointed fingers, stiffer than usual elbow. Many might think it was a huge, skeletal rotten mass but most angels, unless injured, were fully covered in relatively healthy, if not sweaty, skin. This one had a deep caramel color, strange considering we were in one of the coldest countries in the world, its skin was stretched over its shoulders, the bones of its ribs exposed as per usual of a class three. The spinal column of it easily seen through the ribcage, lungs and a two beating hearts moving in gross, twitching motions. It was mostly humanoid, about nine or ten feet tall, the skeleton of the creature stretched instead of just being a larger version of humans. Class 3’s generally didn’t have eyes, nor did this one, just a fat nose with teeth in black gums that resembled tooth picks tightly packed together in almost a fence-like structure. On its feet and hands it possessed only for fingers, a claw on its upper leg and upper arm instead of the little digit, also par for the course. The creature was completely hairless, lacking pores, its skin appearing slightly smoother than a human’s. Bizarrely enough, despite no female counterpart had ever been found, most angels possessed a penis, this ones looked like it had been torn in half, probably by barbed wire, it would regenerate it in the coming days if it lived this encounter. However, the most bizarre thing about the beast was, even though my brother and I both heard wings when it landed, the wings were two black turbines of black matter, extending over eighty feet out the window. In the back of the creature it had organs scientists couldn’t wrap their head around that created the turbines that didn’t obey the laws of physics in the slightest. They, for lifting up something this large, didn’t make any sound, didn’t provide any lift for anything around it, not picking up paper or anything but against biological mass it would burn it, similar to a radiation burn. The only time feathers were heard was when it wasn't in human view. “Take the shot…” My dad told my brother. He aimed the barrel of the gun against the creature’s cheek, pulling on the trigger. My heart stopped as the echo of the shot shattered throughout the room, a green flash and the creature fell, dead in a heap. My dad could see it now, grimacing at the beast.
16 Years Later
So, here I was, finally, years of training graduating from SAFRIM, Secrete Angelic Facilitators Indigo Marauders. I was officially an Indigo Soldier, an angel killer. We had been trained to ignore our survival instincts regarding the creatures as that was how they hunted us. We weren’t just here to defend against them, we were here to destroy them… it was my duty.
Travis was an American who I had trained with. He started out as some scrawny kid and I watched him evolve, I couldn’t help but smile at my friend’s progress, he was 182 centimeters of pure muscle now. I was proud of him, I was glad I got my first mission with him. I always enjoyed his wisecracking, even to the trainers who beat him into a bloody pulp on more than one occasion, he grinned the entire way through.
Lily, a stoic girl who would probably be great for hunting angels regardless of training, it was what she had been doing in France for years before as a twelve year old, only joined to get physically better. When I joined, I thought she might have a soft spot but she was basically an emotionally dead girl, cute if she could actually express some emotion.
Kaine Snow, the guy who insisted I call him by both his first and last name or just Snow, he apparently hated his first name, but he hadn’t ever actually opened up about it to anyone aside from Lily who claimed she told him, could be her version of fucking with us.
Finally, Kyle, a roided out American who believed in the good ol’ American dream. I wanted to punch him in the throat 20% of the time as his ego was larger than the moon. Couldn’t stop hitting on me despite how many goddamn times I told him I wasn’t into guys, not that he’d be my type if I was.
I hate the desert, its like a bipolar child, freezing at night, boiling in the day. The spiders didn’t help, our mission, Class 4 angel. Kill it, we’d get our first pay check. Easy enough, right? Wrong, very wrong. The fact that we knew what we were looking for with the intent to kill it meant we didn’t fear it, meaning it could be hard for us to actually perceive. “You alright?” Travis sat next to me with a grunt, way, way too big for my tent. “Yeah, just nervous,” I smiled at him. I didn’t fear angels, I dealt with them on a near weekly basis in Russia, I was just nervous about screwing up. “Honestly… same,” he chuckled, handing me a beer. I thanked him, taking a sip. “This is warm,” I groaned. “Leave it outside for twenty minutes, I’m sure it’ll be good then.” I slid past him, inviting him to follow, a bright light five meters away. My eyes needed to adjust from the white light of my phone to the flickering orange of the flames. Lily sat on a log, a tired look on her face. She probably didn’t see I saw her like that since her face snapped back to normal once I sat next to her. “You alright?” “Hm? Why wouldn’t I be?” She turned to me, expressionless, impossible to read. “Big day ahead of us,” Travis grunted as he sat in the sand across from us. He knew I had a thing for Lily, he just didn’t get it, “Son of a bitch!” He stood up, a huge tan bug hanging from his leg. He slapped the thing off, “Fucking camel spiders can go to Hell!” I couldn’t help but chuckle at his stupidity. “What was rule one? Oh, right, don’t sit in the Goddamn sand!” I laughed. “Real funny,” He grinned, sarcasm thick in his throat, chucking the beer against the camel spider, shattering the bottle. “I’m going to bed,” Lily said, getting herself up and walking into her tent, zipping it behind her. “You’re terrible at this…” Travis sighed, sitting next to me. “What am I supposed to do? She doesn’t open up at all!” I hissed at him. “I mean you’re lowkey flirting with me in her eyes…” He whispered. I wasn’t worried about her hearing me as the tents were purposely lined with high quality sound dampeners, bad for normal soldiers but great for angel hunters, no sounds in the night to get someone paranoid for the mission ahead. “What the fuck are you talking…” He was right. Goddammit. “Talk to her tomorrow, only talk to me as a friend or an ally, alright? You got this.” He put his hand on my shoulder, smiling.
The sun was absolutely blinding, especially after waking up in my tent which was nearly pitch black, “Fuck!” Kyle shielded his eyes, “Who turned on the LED sun?” “You’re not funny,” Lily told him, already dressed for the mission. “Wasn’t tryin’ to be you short bitch.” “HEY!” Travis barked, “Enough of that shit, it’s one angel, we kill this and we can assign ourselves to new battalions, you two bantering just makes it more likely for it to run off.” “I want to be in whichever one lets me gut him,” Lily snarled, her face twitching almost angrily, uncommon for her. “Fuck you!” “STOP!” Travis barked again, they both stopped. Kyle and Lily never got along, probably why the higher ups put them together. If they could help complete this mission, despite their differences, it would be a great sign for both of them. The five of us walked through the molten air, military equipment digging into us. All of us had gotten used to that sweat soaked feeling of straps digging into uncomfortable places but the heat made it six hundred times worse. “So…” I said, walking next to Lily, her black hair covered by her helmet... I wanted to run my fingers through it sometimes. “What?” She grunted back. “Pretty hot, huh?” “I guess,” She replied. A pickup line like that would’ve worked if I just met her, going with something like kinda like you. I didn’t think she was hot, I thought she was cute. “You ever been to the middle east before?” “No.” Right… She very dry when it came to replying. Maybe I should just give this up, “You?” I almost grinned but stopped myself. That was the first time I had ever heard her ask a follow up question to someone else’s that wasn’t a trainer. She was more skilled than me so I didn’t see me as that. “I went to the Gobi when I was a kid if that counts,” I chuckled. “Just as gross, sand. Annoying, gets everywhere, my ears, my nose, my eyes, my mouth—” She cut herself off. What? No, no, no, no… Did she realize I was trying to get her to open up? “Someone’s up ahead...” I turned my focus, sure enough, she was right. It definitely wasn’t the angel, someone with a thin male form, could be a mannequin for shooting practice. My shoulder erupted in fire, thick gooey red liquid dripping from the tips of my fingers. “Zena!” Lily yelped, her face turning white before dragging me out of the way. Odd… was she actually worried? “Did she just get shot?” Travis exclaimed. Kyle and Snow bolted toward the direction, hiding behind dunes as other loud blasts echoed through the desert. The mannequin shook twice. “It was an accident…” I groaned, pulling back my coat, letting Travis see the wound. “Uh… Lily, can you handle this? I’m gonna go help the guys?” Lily nodded. “We may need to get you back to camp.” “I’ll be fine, we need to kill the angel.” “Okay…” she said, digging through her pouch for a bandage and rubbing alcohol. Another two blasts. Someone was doing target practice with a sniper or other high caliber gun. I wasn’t particularly mad since it wasn’t like they were expecting people to be out here, “uh…” She dabbed my wound with the towels that were gripped by her shaking hands. Why was she panicking? She dressed simulation wounds before? “Lily… You need me to get that?” I asked. She shook her head as two more blasts fired off. I heard something whiz by us. For fuck’s sake, they were firing snipers, how hard was it to aim? Terror wrapped around my heart as two enormous black turbines erupted behind the dune a few hundred feet away. I quickly shoved it down but Lily looked terrified. Fuck! We should’ve killed the thing first, she was worried about me and that transformed into fear and now the bastard knew exactly where we were, smelling her fear, her perception of losing me… oh fuck… The tan skinned angel blasted over the dune, two glowing white eyes with sockets darker than night. That was a class 4 all right, an extra joint in its arm, gaping mouth. A shriek escaped its mouth as it saw me, the wings changing direction rapidly, coming right for me. Fuck! I was so dead! It reached forward with its arm, the tendons in the limb tightening… hang on… where were the fingers? Where was the entire lower arm!? The thing was riddled with bullet holes. Wait… that was the angel they were shooting at? Another two turbines exploded around the dune and I heard the echo of delta rifles. There was two of them!? My pulse quickened again, and the angel turned its attention to me once again. Lily was fumbling for her rifle, fearing for my life instead of her own. She didn’t fear death, she feared mine. That was what the angel was latching onto. “Eat this you piece of shit!” A grenade was shoved down its throat by Kyle before punching it in the ribs, sending it backward. The thing’s head exploded, shrapnel of bone and metal landing in the sand near us. All three of us knew the only thing that could take it down for good was going to be a delta round but that gave us enough time to bolt toward Travis and Snow as it swept its oversized limbs around, grasping for anything. It probably couldn’t sense anything as its fear senor was in its head, which was there, and there, and there, and there…
The twin turbines of black matter near where Travis and Snow were remained, sweeping through the area. They were definitely alive as the turbines hadn’t stopped sweeping, but for how long? The angel behind us was stitching itself back together, black matter similar to its wings fusing its face back together. Another gunshot whizzed past my shoulder, the angel behind us exploding into blood and guts. That wouldn’t kill it, but it would slow the regeneration. Another gunshot, this one slamming into Lily’s chest, causing me to pull away from Kyle, screaming, “NO!” She groaned, the bullet landing in the sand as she sat up. Right, we wore bulletproof armor. It was still covered in blood since that was definitely a sniper round, but she didn’t die. “Can you walk?” Kyle asked me. I nodded. Instantly, he picked up Lily and began running, following close behind him. Why had one bullet hit the angel and the other hit Lily? “Oh fuck…” The black turbines turned to white crystal. That angel had just evolved to Class 5. Another gunshot whizzed next to my ear, missing the angel completely. At least two people, one was trying to protect us, the other was trying to kill us. Why? Why? Why!? The crystal pillars fell, nearly falling on us. Kyle threw Lily to me as I slid down the dune, his arm being caught under the pillar. He screamed, tears streaming down his cheeks as the crystal burned and mutilated his arm. The angel behind us rushed under the sand, ripping into Kyle. I quickly ejected the round of bullets I had into his head since neither Lily or I were in any shape to fight the angel head on and I didn’t want to hear his screams and feel like I had left him in agony. Mercy... “There you are…” The angel’s foot turned the sand beneath it to crystal. What… It spoke? That never happened… EVER! “Go to Hell!” Lily shot it in the head, pulling the trigger the second time to have the wing of it block the bullet, partially crystal. Angels didn’t ever block either, they didn’t need to as they were unkillable by traditional means. A truck pulled in front of us, an Arabian kid with a grin on his face, a pistol pointed at the both of us. The angel stopped at the wave of his hand, its damaged form standing limp, the wings turning back to black matter before vanishing into nothing. “That’s enough R-Rodney,” He chuckled, “Y-Y-You’re lucky that I don’t normally kill g-girls… you’re more useful for other things.” Lily aimed his gun at him the second he was distracted with stepping off the truck. A standoff, “I can take off your arm before you can pull that trigger with a thought.” His neck and eye twitched unnaturally, a huge scar covering the left side of his head, he definitely had brain damage, “Now, put the gun down or I’ll do just that!” He laughed, “Oh… a-and hand over any delta weapons you have t-too!” He was far too confident for bluffing. I nodded to Lily and she carefully place the gun down. “We don’t have any delta weapons on us, they’re back there…” I pointed. The angel and him both looked in the direction. “You guys S-SAFRIM?” The kid asked. We nodded, “Well, with this angel alive, they’ll assume you’re d-dead. My name i-i-is Niles, your new master.”
END OF PART ONE
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