#i dont wanna look at this dogshit post anymore my eyes are glazing over

[mindrole]

i feel like its obvious that com will deal with issues of identity given it is touched on with hatsutori specifically regarding his fragment status— compartmentalized in the conflict of "savior or human"— of course it is not so binary as i word it, there is a fluidity between the humanity that minoru saw in hatsutori and the supposed godhood that noriyuki latched onto in his idolatry of him... of course at the end of the tunnel is theodore's "you are just a normal person anything extraordinary about you came from me".

but in and of itself, the fact that hatsutori existed, he exists beyond what minor or noriyuki or even theodore think. between all these schools of thought is his own lived reality, and his own lived experience, his own lived delusion and chasing of being "a savior" even if he laughs and knows there is an element of farce to it, though in the next moment he's on the ground throwing a tantrum and foaming at the mouth because it is a farce. i think com will be similar...

though i think the issue is, hatsutori never hid his condition, he used it possibly to its full potential. ryuu is probably the same, being a mercenary he probably had no issues running around with pink hair and red eyes and not aging at all. of course the fact that he is sheepish about his appearance is more about the fact that he has skin grafts and eyes that do not belong to him that are supposedly mot easy on the eyes, rather than the traits of a fragment. but my point is, these two don't have to conceal it. hatsutori being some kind of christ-like figure, ryuu coming from a dark "anything goes" background.

azuma, igarashi and misumi are public figures, we know nothing about the lengths that azuma and igarashi take to hide their physical abnormalities, but misumi shaved his entire head + wore sunglasses indoors for a while at some point and still hides it now.

i think for miwa his lived reality is much, much more complicated. because his existence is a lie predicated on a lie. and then some. no one else is going to the lengths of concealing his identity as a fragment as far as he goes (based on current information). without exaggeration i think one of the most important moments in the interlude is ryuu finding the wig and contacts in miwa's bathroom. which of course means that dita's appearance is pretty much what miwa actually looks like aside from the cosplay. how much would that fuck anyone up, honestly... but it is not just two modes. imo, if i were to make it as simple as possible:

teita miwa, boy idol and i bold this because the boy idol part is the important part here

dita iliner, magical boy, a fictional character

the teita miwa who embodies the ideal, the middle of the venn diagram, which basically does not exist. it is not possible for such a thing to exist.

teita miwa himself, the lived reality that exists between all of these, the one who wishes for such an impossible ideal

anyway, i think assertions like "dita is the real person" and "miwa wants to become dita" are either wildly off or are undercooked and surface level. i do not think miwa wants to become dita. i think what is likely is that it is not normal to have the qualities that fragments have. he's an unaging manlet with pink hair and red eyes. in the real world i do not think that is an easy pill to swallow for most people. he takes off the wig and it's over really. so he's bound to that. it would be easy to drift into "but dita isn't real, so it's fine if he's like that". it goes without saying but dita was absolutely modeled after miwa from the start, a character tailor made for him to play, so that does not help things. so possibly, miwa wants a world where being himself is acceptable and normal. that place is obviously rosemaria, a fictional world where a magical boy with strange powers and exaggerated qualities can exist. he would not be judged in such a place. so perhaps it starts out like that.

like this its still a little simple. i will not go into it and will give an abstract of it, but my theory is that ditasword was a machination of azuma created to test mutei's theories in a multitude of ways, including visiting other dimensions. i personally think that miwa is absolutely a pawn in this plan. whether it is escapism founded in acting out a fictional character that carries your undesirable traits and is loved and accepted for it that eventually morphs into wanting to go to rosemaria OR if it was the latter from the start... it would simply be that miwa would have that single minded goal. until the filming of the final movie or perhaps before but at the latest around that time, when he has his retirement date silently set months in advance, presumably preparing to disappear forever and become his ideal self. its not so simple, but this is the plan. i think in this moment he begins to realize that he still wants to be teita miwa, the boy idol. that he grew attached to that lie. dita and idol miwa are both flagrant lies, but having lived both in some form, there is a lived reality in them. just because he was pretending and lying doesn't suddenly mean the years he lived working as an idol were fake. they were him, and he did that himself. hell, "boy idol" teita miwa is something he may be more attached to than the identity of dita. but it has an expiration date so it's not like he can call it off (nevermind the fact that the false identity of teita miwa the boy idol itself is probably also starting to get a little too old for the "boy" part, but he doesn't age so...), nor can he abandon what he wanted the entire time, which is to live freely. FREELY without having to lie about who he is.

it goes without saying that the idea of "going to rosemaria" is a farce. yes he is going, but there is something very fishy about it, and his going of it in com is absolutely predicated on foul play, considering the condition of his apartment. if he goes there, what happens next? does he just stay there? dita is still just a character he plays, and eventually a fake world like that is just like gum you chew too much, what happens then? will azuma extract him? or will he be abandoned in a fake world and be left to rot there? we don't know if gajra and eigha are fake or not (eigha is likely sentient and possessing one of the actors who portrayed him... but that is a topic of another post) but it is strange. either way, one day the honeymoon period will be over.

there is a teita miwa that exists beyond all of this and com will definitely largely look into that. its not unlikely has a great dislike for his abnormalities, and is only able to accept that part of him when he's playing a corny and highly heightened fictional existence. he might want to be free of hiding it, but also wants it to go away all together so he can be "normal". more than any other fragment. what miwa wants most of all is the love and acceptance and ironically, the mundane "normal" that dita is privileged with. going to rosemaria is the only way to achieve this in his mind, but it really is all a farce from start to finish.

(there is also a lot to unpack about how eigha plays into this, like is it a desire for loving family or what, there is simply too much we do not know about miwa and other players involved but lol. it goes without saying there are parallels between ryuu and eigha even if i want to be very careful and say that im not ever implying theyre the same or share the relationship that miwa and dita have at all. its likely eigha is much more linked to other things.. but multifaceted things exist, you know?) but it's really not possible the way things are right now (pre-com 2018)

anyway, i drew this horrible picture while thinking about how to word all this (theres probably stuff i forgot to mention and i wont realize until i publish this):

#a #i dont wanna look at this dogshit post anymore my eyes are glazing over #i dont care if the romanization of gajra is wrong #update: i absolutely forgot things but im lazy so now its between me and god #m #e