#i forgot to save the timelapse my bad | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thefragileglass · 7 years

Text

Valerian and why you shouldn’t watch it.

This is full of spoilers, so if you don’t take my advice and actually go see it, don’t read this, I guess.

I don't want people to think I hated #valerian bc it's a dumb space movie. I LOVE dumb space movies- that is why I went to see it, that is what I wanted. I want people to know that I hated it for SO MANY other reasons.

So, the first...4 minutes (?) are pretty interesting. Cool aliens. Timelapse of progress, etc.

Then we travel to 400 years in the future on a paradise island. Very pretty. I was immediately apprehensive when the obviously female alien that was a completely different species and culture untouched by humanity- had titties (but still slightly covered them up) and wore a skirt. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with these things, but i just find it pretty suspicious that a completely different species and culture would 1. have the same parts and 2. have the same hangups about who can display them. If you have such a limited imagination about anatomy, at least have some creativity about the culture, I mean, c’mon. Not to mention the fact that the titties were covered but still enticingly uncovered and it was all obviously done to tantalize male viewers. It was like being punched in the face by the male gaze. Like obviously, if we don’t want to at least subconsciously fuck her, there’s no way we can possibly care about her! And I’m deliberately calling them titties bc she was naive and childlike- so pure in her uncorrupted state of innocence (eye roll). Ugh- it just makes it all so much more icky. Then there was the very thinly veiled reference to some “primitive” culture (side-eye) where everyone is, again, so naive and peaceful and just live in blissful ignorance. It is then Very Important to the plot that she dies so that the Main Character can save this poor, primitive species. This is like, the 6th minute of the movie.

Then, we meet the Main Character.

Oh man, where to start? We’re introduced to him being a total asshole to Secondary Character, who is introduced walking towards us in a bikini. Phew, another woman to look at, I was getting worried, it had been like, a whole 10 seconds since I had one. Again, there’s nothing inherently wrong with a woman in a bikini- it's the way the scene is shot and who the scene is for. So then we start off with some weird sexual wrestling- which it didn’t seem that SC was into- and then we find out he’s her superior officer. In the space military. And he’s actively trying to convince her to have sex with him, but obvs she doesn’t want to bc he’s a ~*~ playboy ~*~ and won’t commit to her by forgetting everyone on his “playlist”. When I say actively, I mean he’s literally following her down a hallway. And when I say convince, I mean he’s literally just bragging about how great he is by listing awards and commendations he’s gotten. Who acts like this?! I have no explanation about MC’s behavior, but to paraphrase Allison, SC acts like how men think women act, with the reasoning men imagine women use. Regardless of the fact that I don’t think her reasoning makes much sense, no matter what it was, we’re supposed to believe that she’s just playing hard to get. Like, you know they’re going to get together at the end and so the audience is just supposed to assume that she secretly likes him and thinks he’s endearingly oh so silly and that she’ll change her mind eventually, as women are wont to do. It’s obvious that MC thinks SC is just playing hard to get too, which is why he acts the way he does- acting as if their relationship is a matter of “when” and not “if” and so its ok for him to act as if he has the right to talk and act like that bc they’re basically already in a relationship. It’s also obvious that the writer/director/producer thinks the same thing, which is why MC never gets called out for what this is- sexual harassment. This is so terrible for people to see and internalize.

Then they talk to a superior who scolds SC about dressing appropriately on a mission. Then MC asks SC to marry him, even though she’s still been very clear that she’s not into it at all. But of course, everyone thinks she’s just playing hard to get, so obviously she’ll want to get married. And then they go on a mission, which, to be fair, I think was a pretty cool concept of another dimension and such. Like, if it wasn’t steeped in all this other shit and this movie was the fun space romp I wanted, I probs would’ve thoroughly enjoyed. That is, except for the fact that SC goes on this mission in a DIFFERENT fucking bikini! She gets scolded about wearing a bikini and then CHANGES HER CLOTHES TO A DIFFERENT BIKINI and a little scrap of a coverup. “To blend in with the tourists.” IN THE DESERT. We see the other tourists- I’m pretty sure no one else was in a bikini- I cannot imagine a flimsier excuse. It is just so obvious to me that the director or producer or whatever man made these costuming decisions just wanted to have SC in the least amount of clothing for the longest amount of time. She’s in the military on a mission for god’s sake! I don’t think I’ve ever seen a character so blatantly disrespected by a movie before or I’m just too angry to remember if I have. Also on this mission, they basically leave their people to die and then all they comment on is how SC’s “dress” got ripped. And then they’re going to meet up with the commander, so they finally dress in their military uniforms, and her’s is a mini skirt! Like, at this point, I’m just glad it wasn’t a green bikini, I guess.

So then some action happens they mouth off to the commander and MC is off being an expert pilot chasing some things while SC roots for him and tells him to be careful and he crashes and she’s worried, yadda yadda. And then to find him she has to talk to birds to hire a submarine captain to steal a jellyfish from a big whale thing so that she can put it on her head and it can give her visions of where he landed. It also gives her visions of the past hour that we literally just saw so that she can realize that she really does care about MC and so she can finally catch up to the men and understand that she WAS playing hard to get this whole time. I honestly think this whole plot sequence was specifically so that she could wear her hair down for a little bit. Also, somewhere in here, she straight up says “oh, you think humans are predictable? Then you obviously haven’t met a woman before” before she shoots something. Haha, woman are so mysterious and hard to understand. She finds him, and then argue about how he wouldn’t even thank her for finding him and some other stuff that is totally out of character for SC up to this point. And then he rebukes her while sexually harassing her some more and it's all terrible. Then she gets captured- bc obvs it's been awhile since MC’s been the hero- so we def need to give him the chance to save her.

Sigh. Ok- so, in order to save her, MC has to go to the red light district to get an alien who can change shape, named Bubble, to disguise him into where she’s being kept. OBVIOUSLY the way to introduce this character is to have her (obviously a female) perform a strip show changing into all of the different male fantasies we haven’t gotten to see yet- including some super fun cultural fetishization! It has been 4 minutes since a woman was scantily clad on screen, so they have to make up for it somehow. <allison>I think it’s worth noting that despite the MC declining an actual lapdance/sex, it is made perfectly clear that he is enjoying the show for the MUCH-LONGER-THAN-IT-NEEDED-TO-BE DANCE. *Shot of female character spinning in a lace cat-suit followed by shot of MCs drooling* </allison> After the show, which the entirely straight male audience of the movie (bc ugh who else would be watching this movie) is extremely glad to have seen, she comes up to speak with MC. Its pretty clear to me that this is some kind of human trafficking situation bc “she’s been practising since she was 4.” And she comes up searching for validation from this asshole who’s been objectifying her and if he didn’t need her for his mission of saving his damsel would probably not care about the situation at all. Overall, it's a pretty horrifying exchange- not just bc of its inherent awfulness but also bc the movie treats it as if it's not a huge deal. MC offers to help “free her” after the mission if she’ll help him, and she agrees. <allison> OH SHIT DON’T FORGET WHEN BUBBLE BECOMES BABY-MC and MC SAYS “GO BACK TO YOUR NORMAL FORM” AND SHE GOES BACK TO HER NATURAL FORM AND HE LOOKS DISGUSTED AND SAYS “YOUR OTHER NORMAL” AND SHE GOES BACK TO SEXY-LADY. </allison>

While this has been happening, SC has been interacting with her captors who are trying to make her put on a dress. She’s been in pants for WAY too long- like, 7 whole minutes of screen time. Next we see her, she’s in a pretty white dress, walking down a long aisle to present herself as a meal for the big, fat evil king guy. And just as she’s about to be eaten, her ONLY plan, despite being a military officer, is to scream for MC. We’re all so lucky he was actually in the room to save her! She certainly didn’t know he was there, so if he hadn’t been there, I guess she would’ve just been eaten. Oh no, what’s a girl to do?

Fighting, running, quips. Bubble dies in the rescue. Of course she does! She served her purpose, so screw her. Who cares about the tragedy that was her life and the promises that MC made- he saved the damsel, so everything else is cannon fodder. There was literally NO REASON for her to die, if they didn’t want to try to deal with her story any more, they could’ve just had her leave or something. Idk, I guess I forgot female characters don’t exist when not in proximity to the MC.

So then we get back to the white savior plot where we find out the commander was the bad guy who killed this whole race of primitive people...just because? I think he crashed an enemy spaceship into the planet just to kill the enemy and it exploded the whole planet? Not too sure. There are a couple of neat transphobic remarks bc the life force of the alien lady that died at the beginning has been possessing him bc she chose him to save their people. MC and SC have the pearl MC stole and the little creature indigenous to their planet, which the aliens need. MC has this whole crisis about not giving them the creature bc “that was our mission and I’m a soldier and I follow the rules” when he’s literally been breaking rules and challenging authority since the BEGINNING of this godforsaken movie. And then SC convinces him that loooove is the answer and why she’s been resisting him this whole time bc he’s never been in love. And then the boring, average white guy saves the poor, helpless primitive people. And then, of course MC and SC get together bc we all knew she was just playing hard to get the whole time, anyway.

#Valerian #hate #chemakal #spoilers #but you shouldn't go see it anyway

3 notes · View notes