#i guess fandom being so social is what underlines it all as so dire for me

[drewsaturday]

it is always kind of funny, albeit frustrating, to spend years of my life rotating particular characters and ships in my head and still worry that i'm exploring them in ooc ways. lol.

#txt #part of it is reasonable because i do worry projection gets in the way (while at the same time it can also add dimension) #and so i feel like... other people just Get those characters/ships better bc they can look at it more clearly #i also just generally don't know how people work on account of barely interacting with anyone irl and being so inexperienced at life #the other part is just... that it is such a fucking crime to write ooc these days that it's really annoying to have to worry about #obviously i want my faves to feel in-character i want my creations to be enjoyable but also... i don't think it should matter #as much as people make it matter sometimes #and so then all of the above all wrapped together then creates another issue of: people know me as a person who is #obsessed with this character/ship #how embarrassing is it to be known as that person but still write them that badly jl;sldjfklskd #AGAIN IT SHOULDN'T MATTER I SHOULD BE ABLE TO JUST HAVE FUN WITH IT but ough i really... #hate that piece regarding writing #with drawing i can visibly see when a character doesn't look like themselves #but with writing it's so mental and hard to put myself outside of i feel like i'm just reaching around in the dark at all times #and i kinda hate that :| #if it is that much of an issue for me i should rly open myself up to concrit and so forth but y'know #two wolves inside you: wanting to be good at this thing i do for fun vs. also... doing it for fun.... #i guess fandom being so social is what underlines it all as so dire for me #maybe if it were just a piece of writing i flung out into the void rather than attaching it to myself and my personality and fandom presence #it wouldn't feel so life or death lol #oh to be the kind of person that is never active bc they put all their time into creating #they drop one creation a month and say nothing until they drop the next one