#i havent gotten to allu/nanikas part yet but . from what ive seen its clear hes living and going on his way for his sisters not for himself

[hysokaz]

i kinda notice sometimes how killua chooses to put himself in the background. like he wants to be an after thought, like he either doesnt feel like hes important enough to be first, or like he doesnt WANT to be first (maybe hes tired of being seen as "special" for being an heir, and likes being "second-place"?) if something happens, the first thing he does is look at gon for a reaction. i dont know what hes thinking but i can definitely guess

is he checking on gons feelings before his own, putting himself behind someone else?

is he looking for a cue on what to say? how to feel? how he should react and present himself?

does killua rely on gon to gain a sense of a proper reaction? is he not confident on his own feelings that he has to look at his best friend to know what he should be feeling?

when theyre both asked something, its mostly gon whos the one to reply first. killua has been going along with what gon does for the majority of the series, that much is true, but when it comes to the chimera ant for example, he waits for gon to answer each time if they want to go deeper into the mess of the NGL. killua obviously thinks for himself, its not like hes incapable, but, i think that if gon wasnt there then 90% of the things he does normally he wouldnt have.

i just dont think that killua wouldve cared about the chimera ants, or greed island, or heavens arena for that matter, yorknew, nothing. its all gon. i guess that it does signify growth that they eventually separate (at least for a while) and they both have their own goals that are just for them. but i guess it also makes me a bit sad.

i wonder how differently itd be if the one who followed wouldve been gon. i dont even know what killua wouldve WANTED to do with his freedom if he wouldnt have had gon to look to.

maybe silva wouldve been right.

maybe he wouldve just gotten bored and come back.

killua needs a reason, or more clearly a person, to do things for. he just cant seem to do them for himself. it can be his best friend or his little sisters- he still has to figure out one day that he cant depend on others to find a reason to live his own life.

im afraid that one day hes not going to be able to look at someone for guidance on what hes supposed to be doing; one day he wont have someone who could "distract" him from the life he was raised in and he'll have to go into the world alone without a purpose.

i dont want his family to be right. i dont want killua to go back

#this kid needs a hug seriously :( #i havent gotten to allu/nanikas part yet but . from what ive seen its clear hes living and going on his way for his sisters not for himself #its always about someone else #i think i wouldve loved to see him and kurapika interact more they. really understand each other. i think things like the tricktower really #showed that specialyl when he was trying to get leorio off kurapikas back #they both need to find a sense of purpose thats their own they cant depend on other people or one day #itll go really bad :( #mahefmjgs #killua...........killu</3 #hxh #killua zoldyck