#i love being queer and i dont mind knowing my fluidity and dysmorphia put me identify me as the former

[lillyviarabbit]

if only wishing could change things, but i'm too paralyzed to act

#I so desperately wish I didnt have to be trans #i love being queer and i dont mind knowing my fluidity and dysmorphia put me identify me as the former #but i wish i was cis and had to learn how to play with masculinity #instead of vice versa #i wish i had to bind #i wish i could enjoy my body #but alas—the good days just leave me neutral #and the bad days still leave me suicidal #fuck now that i'm thinking about it too much i might shave off my beard too #i havent felt like this since i pulled the trigger to shave my legs and have permanently scarred my thighs and stomach #because one missed hair means i need to rip it out #and that scabs #which then i need to burst open for weeks to months on end #and none of this would be as hard for me if i didnt have to learn it on my own #for now i cant transition #even if i wanted to wholeheartedly #because i can take off my glasses and pass decently well as a man #i did it for 20 years—even if by the time i was in middle school i understood i wasn't like the others #I hate that i make women uncomfortable just by my presence alone #because i look like a man #and would not be able to shake that without changing my jawline #im built like a barrel #i wish i was a cis woman that got a hysterectomy #and could indulge the comfort of being perceived as a woman innately #I could be more confident being affectionate #and i have to walk on eggshells even now because i can just *feel* how my male body taints every step i take and every relationship i have #i hate it so much #but i cant hate me #ive never hated me #and I accept this is how i am