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hedgefairy · 3 years

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Eeeey, we haven't had another episode of Bridgerton recaps in a while! But here we are, it's

Bridgerton, Episode 5

(if you missed the rest, the tag is #Bridgerbore)

Okay, so I dig the whole muddy hem business (short reminder, we were at this duel thing last time, and Daphne was very much a dramatic Regency heroine, throwing herself into the fire and everything), but I'm really not sure about her undies.

Lady B has a hangover, which is hilarious, and Daphne comes in like "I'm engaged", to Dukey, of course, they all annoy me so much. Cue Lady B fanning herself, and then Daphne goes on about how they want to marry NOW, because THE KISS and it would be such a scandal if that ever came out? I don't think society would mind if you stayed engaged for a while longer, I don't think anyone cares, you self-obsessed brat. Mummy thinks they had steaming hot intercourse and that's why they want to marry ASAP, and apparently that's the best hangover cure that there ist. (I'm not a fan, hangover Lady B was more sufferable than the usual version.)

The queen wears bright red gems with pink silk and it does not look fly at all.

The blue dress Daphne's wearing is pretty for once.

Her rival (CRESSIDAAAAA) and her mother smirk at each other in a carriage because they are scheming, and evil, and we can see that because they are dressed flamboyantly and have complex hairstyles. Also, Cress saw D&D kiss and now they can destroy her or something.

Oh poor Freddie Baby, he's just the cutest but he's about to take his leave because Daphne was the only girl he liked, like, ever, because she's such a diamond of the purest water, adieu, sweet prince.

Everybody keeps promenading without coats or spencers and I'm all "noooo", because it just looks so wrong. Someone give Daphne a stole or a cardigan, it's doesn't even seem particularly warm outside. Her hat also sucks (is that a fascinator? I demand bonnets!), but at least it's not the stupid Wendy bow, so I guess that's progress?

Lord B gets slammed in the face with the door by the dressmaker because Opera Girl up and left. See, Lord B, that's because you're a little bitch and she's done with your shit.

Ducktail Colin visits Cousin, and Penny desperately tries to cockblock him. It's somewhat painful to see, but also strangely realistic (I guess that's why it's painful).

Uuuh, we get a kitchen scene in preparation for the wedding! I love it. Also, the servants are annoyed by all of this, just like me. I hereby petition to replace at least 75% of the D&D (hell, make it all Bridgertons) appearances by Regency food porn.

At the dressmaker's workshop Cressida (who I still think is prettier than Daphne) bitches about and Daphne bitches back, why is no-one wearing bonnets?

The next Whistledown issue is out as Freddie takes his final bow just to leave me heartbroken because he genuinely didn't suck. The Queen bitches, what else is new.

The Archbishop says the early wedding is a no-no, and I still suspect that it's a general case of making things more dramatic than they have to be. Oh, turns out it's the Queen who's the spanner in the works because she didn't get enough attention lately.

Back to the Bohemian party! Yay! It's a fucking bacchanal and I love it. French dressmaker lady is there, too, cut to her and Middle Bridgerbro having a heated make-out session. Aaand the host is at least bi – they find out by barging in on him and his lover during what I guess is the quest for an unoccupied bedroom. Threesome time!! (Her stays are more than questionable, though)

Dukey is completely drunk in the gutter because they kicked him out of the pub. I approve. Not sure of what of the above, probably all.

Cousin plots to seduce Ducktail Colin so she can get him into marrying her. Lady F is in, but Penny eavesdrops (heartbrokenly).

Whoooo, it's George III! Him and Charlotte discuss the Regent but sadly George IV still does not feature. Another child (Amelia) is discussed – never mind that the historical George III and Charlotte had no less than fifteen children – but apparently she's dead (the historical Amelia died age 27 and it distressed George greatly, but here it is delivered as if she was just an infant.). Oh, look, George is bonkers and thinks the Queen killed her. Nice one, Netflix, treating his illness like this and then completely glossing over it again.

Daphne, please stop tossing and turning and sighing, get yourself off, it works wonders. But no, instead she goes to her lady's maid and gets a pep talk about how she can still be happy without offspring.

Cut to Dukey waking up in Boxing Bro's place.

People I'd rather have a series about. A non-exhaustive list by me.

Penny and Eloise

Eloise

Benedict & The Bohemians (could also be a good band name)

Prince Freddie

Boxing Bro and his family

Opera Girl & The French Dressmaker

Cressida the Rival Bitch

The Servants

Dukey's exploits at college

Daphne's dress at her audience is so horribly ill-fitting.

How can Dukey be a rake if he doesn't even like flirting? It it pheromones? Do the ladies simply fall over when he walks by? The heck? Someone explain! His appeal to the Queen, however, is really lovely, no shade.

The wedding is LAUGHABLY small. Nobody would ever get through with this. You can't tell me they couldn't fill a small chapel like that, at least with some staff. It is supposed to be "intimate", because you guys are Regency nobility and this will not stand. Good God, Daphne, he's putting a ring on your finger, not his body parts inside of you.

However, the reception is huge. This does not make sense, except from a very American modern standpoint. I'm here for the food porn, though.

At the party Cressida bitches about and Penny (again, desperately) tries to hook up Cousin with anyone but Ducktail Colin. Eloise is still trying to figure out who Gossip Girl really is.

Cousin Wears-Curtains-Again tries to seduce Ducktail Colin in the study, alas, he's too honourable, but wants to marry her nevertheless, but he wants to wait. She can't wait, though, because of the pregnancy thing, oh no!

The Queen is at the reception, too. You can't tell me that the woman who tried to intervene with the getting wed thing as a whole because she didn't get enough attention is okay with being at the reception and not the church? 'scuse me? What is a characterisation, even.

Turns out Lady Danbury (remember, Dukey's awesome fairy godmother) isn't Whistledown, but the Queen is intrigued by Eloise's investigations. Also, Middle Bridgerbro had a threesome with not only the Dressmaker but also his (hopefully bi, because representation, probably gay because cliché) host's wife. Awkward to meet her again on your sister's wedding day.

Daphne gets THE TALK from Lady B, whose boobs are glorious in this scene, but honestly, couldn't you have done that on any other day?

I cannot bear to watch this while I'm eating.

Is Daphne going to wear her hair up now that she's married, at least?

Sappy goodbyes ensue as Dukey and Daphney go off to their honeymoon. Her cloak looks like a bedsheet.

How is this episode not over yet?

Oh no, they'll spend their wedding night at and inn rather than at a palace. Awkward silence ensues on the ride there, but the landscape and the inn are pretty.

Man, that centre part and those bangs look so. Bad.

They have separate bedrooms, which is a bit weird but so is this whole inn business. *shrugs * Daphne paces in hers, Dukey in his, and this writer is reminded of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

Drama. Ugh. Communication is key.

Here we go with the make-up sex, though, and here we also go with the soft porn my best friend already warned me ab... no fucking shift! Are these stays laced with satin ribbon?

Oh look, it's Dukey topless again. Daphne's face just annoys me to no end. I'm so sorry because she really can't do anything about it, she was born with it, but it annoys me.

Uh, Dukey butt! I have the sudden urge to burst into "First Penis" from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. They really made a song for every occasion.

Dukey, couldn't you have started with your hands? What is a foreplay? "Hey, girl, remember when I told you to get yourself off? This is basically the same!" *inserts genitals * It's fairly tastefully shot soft porn, though.

I don't think she came. How about oral now?

God, we made it into the second half of this series.

Give me strength.

This concludes Episode 5.

To Be Continued

(maybe with female orgasms?)

#Bridgerbore #Bridgerton #recap #uuugh

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