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idyl-hummingbird · 1 year

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What Happened to Heartbeats?

Well, so. Here we are. Nearly 5 years since I first started Heartbeats, and almost 1 year since the last chapter was posted. How did we get here? It may surprise you, but I actually have an answer. Or several, really. It's more than one thing, as life is never that simple. Some I never predicted, but one large thing that I'd be lying to you if I said I didn't know about it from the very beginning, a thing that I hoped by ignoring it would make it go away (spoiler: it didn't). So, let's talk about it:

Part 1: Life changes

Ironically this part in my mind falls under the "things I never predicted" category. Which is silly, of course I knew my life would change; I just didn't foresee the ways it would affect my fic writing.

To understand what happened with Heartbeats, I need to step further back for comparison. I need to talk about Just Hold On. My predecessor to Heartbeats, my first multi-chaptered, poly ot7, fantasy themed fic. My magnum opus, to be perfectly honest; in my view of my small little corner of this gigantic fandom, I believe it is what I'm most known for. And I'm perfectly happy with that. I'm proud of that fic; if it was my peak, it was a pretty darn good one.

But why bring up Just Hold On when this is about Heartbeats? Because of this single fact: I uploaded a new chapter of that fic on a weekly basis until it was complete. Weekly. I recall that in amazement sometimes, marveling at how I possibly could do that--

But then I remember that I know exactly how.

I was in grad school when I wrote JHO. A time that I often cite as frankly the worst years of my life. I lived in an isolated town, far away from friends and family. I was struggling with my identity, what I wanted to do with my life, who I wanted to be. I had an extremely minimal social life. Outside of working on my degree and my role as a TA, I spent a majority of my time alone. And a lot of that time, I spent writing.

But, as BTS reference in Spring Day, my winter didn't last forever. I graduated with my masters, left that small town, and shortly after, I started writing Heartbeats.

For as self-important as this post is coming across, I'm actually not here to share my life story with you. But just know that in the years between finishing grad school to now, the years of Heartbeats' creation, I have faced the most change I've ever encountered in my life. I became an adult. I've had multiple full time jobs, lived in different cities and states. I met the love of my life and we're getting married next month. I'm far happier and fulfilled now than I was sitting alone at grad school.

Do I miss having that level of efficiency, that amount of time to just write for hours on end? Sometimes, yeah, I honestly do. But I'd never want to go back to the life I had that gave me that time, and I think that's part of facing adulthood. Things change, priorities shift. It's neither good nor bad, it just--is. (And it's worth noting that I do still find time to write, even if it is more limited. So then where're the Heartbeats chapters? Where have you been? Well, I said it was more than one thing. The next, I really didn't see coming...)

Part 2: Oops I joined another fandom

Yeah, this one blindsided me too. Had I always casually enjoyed the show Stranger Things? Yes. Had I always been exceptionally fond of the character Steve Harrington? Yes. I'm a lesbian, so I love a good himbo; it's just nature. Did I anticipate that season 4 would introduce another male character that would allow Steve to interact with the first ever guy his age in the show that didn't want to punch him in the face, and that would subsequently lead to an ideal character to ship him with? Of course not! But it happened and something clicked in my brain and next thing you know I'm writing about Steve and Eddie instead of Jimin and Yoongi. I don't know, man. This one really stumps me, too, but I think if I really deep dive into it, the truth is that I was burnt out on BTS content. I'd been writing them for years, it became routine. Steddie was refreshing; it was new and exciting and allowed me to try new things that didn't fit as well with BTS.

I think it was an unfortunate combination. More fandoms with less time to write has meant that I need to pick and choose, and I've picked what I've been excited about--for the past 6 months, that's been steddie. I've really enjoyed writing them, and it'd be a lie to claim I won't want to write more of them in the future. But I also want to write more BTS, and my excitement has started to shift back to them. I think this waxing and waning is just something new I'll have to learn to navigate in my fic writing and fandom interests.

Part 3: The Truth

Okay, I've stalled long enough. Here's the truth, the thing I knew from the beginning of Heartbeats' inception, that I tried to ignore and hoped would solve itself but never has. The probably number one reason why I have not been able to finish it:

When I started this fic, I did not know how it was going to end.

Okay, wait, let's pump the brakes. It's more complicated than that. Let me explain:

I saw a comic the other week that was actually the inspiration for me wanting to make this post.

It's of a stick figure looking over at the other side of a cliff, with a huge chasm between them. The chasm is labeled "the plot" and the other side of the cliff is labeled "that one specific scene I really want to write."

As someone who struggles with plot, I relate to that comic a lot, just in general. But if I apply Heartbeats to that comic, a heartbreaking truth reveals the biggest answer to my radio silence, my lack of updates:

For heartbeats, that "one specific scene I really want to write"? I've already written it.

When I first conceived the idea of Heartbeats, there were a few scenes I was really excited about: the swinging bandit trying to kidnap Jin, Jin saving Hobi's life, Tae growing his wings back. But there was one part of that fic that kept me going, that I was so fucking hyped to write that I couldn't wait to get there:

Namseokkook in the siren domain. Jungkook going back to face the sirens, namseok learning of Jungkook's past, JK getting the key and the three of them narrowly escaping. Writing those chapters was my big moment.

The chapters that followed, I could stall. I had decent enough ideas for the other keys that I made it work, and once they were all back at the safehouse, it was a good time to pause from the action. To sprinkle in some fluff and hurt/comfort, my bread and butter.

But then what? The part of the plot I was most excited for was done, yet there's still a whole world for them to save, an even bigger villain for them to defeat.

I think every writer has their own process. Personally, it's not unusual for me to only have a vague idea of a plot, and not have the exact ending in mind; it's why this fact didn't stop me from starting to write Heartbeats in the first place.

Going back to JHO again, I didn't really know how I'd end that one either beyond a vague idea. But I pushed through and made it work--that's what I initially thought would happen with Heartbeats. That's why I kept writing and ignored the problem.

I brainstormed, and I still do. I knew about Ren's big reveal from the very beginning, which is why I was able to write the last two chapters. I know generally how I want the fic to end and I have an idea for its epilogue. The problem is, I just don't have a clear picture on how to get us there.

And now with 5 years passed, with people waiting, there's pressure. I think in the climatic chapter of JHO, you can go back and see in the ANs that I was unsure if the plot would be disappointing. To this day I genuinely do think it's a bit underwhelming. But it works, and since I was in such a rhythm of writing back then, I accepted it was the best I could do, and I posted it.

Not to mention, the stakes in the two stories are quite different. JHO is about seven boys and a girl they found. Heartbeats is about the fate of the whole world--talk about stakes! I think that also adds to the pressure. With so much on the line, can it really be resolved so swiftly? It might have to be, if that's all I've got in me.

Years have gone by, and even if the words aren't on paper yet, I have been mentally working on it. I can, and will, come up with an ending to Heartbeats. I probably will find it underwhelming, and that makes it difficult to start putting the words to paper. But it deserves an end, and maybe even one that's not as bad as I fear. People love JHO not because of the climax, but because of the characters and the world building. I think that's why people love Heartbeats, too. I need to remember that, and I need to just keep writing, in the smaller increments of time I have, when I'm excited to do so. It'll probably still be awhile, but maybe 2023 is the year I finally finish Heartbeats.

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