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meandmyechoes · 3 years

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The more I think about my first romance novel, the more I find something odd.

[28th March 17:46]

I keep referring to it as a ‘favourable experience’, and there is no question the writing is what made me fall totally head over heels about quin tress, but I also just, can't?

I mean, yes. It's very passionate, dramatic, scenes and gestures I can only dream of. And it's all very bisexual and fantastical of me. But I also, don't really see it in that 'omg they totally belong together here are my sixty headcanons of them' sense?

I am very involved in the pairing, but also don't really, actively 'ship' it — like the way I have the ability to with Rhayme or Latts (since it's the same author that indoctrinated me to Captain Rhayme). I could imagine them being happily ever after and silly shenanigans and slow-burn. But the concept of a quin tress fairytale ending is so wild. I can only ask if this has to do with my personal view on relationships. Does this tie back to how I say the hottest thing a heterosexual couple can do is fuck (and the spiritual experience is emphasized with a same-sex partner)? - anyway, ace brain (probably) speaking.

I know the plot leaves little room for 'the future' and fed me well on all tropes possible. But, it just never occurred to me to put them in any other clichés or invent a missing scene.

Winding up, I don't think their relationship is 'weak', but it's very motivated by circumstances and once you take that out of them, you are a little bit lost. For example even during the illicit affairs month, I… can't really propose one date that does not seem tonally insensitive. (I can think of them being cloak dorks and Vos bringing her to ice-cream, that's it, after a long hard moment) Really, all I possibly want is that sweet, sweet angst and canon is already there so I have no complaint.

It's just… I don't really get why it has to be the two of them that fall for each other. I understand why they did, and I believe it— Perhaps it's much more a physical attraction thing that I don't really have personal experience with.

I don't know if quin tress classify as slow-burn because 10 chapters still seem a little quick in the grand scheme of things. (aside: I'm quite disappointed Ventress wasn't doing much in the last quarter of the book.) My point is, they do feel a little bit puppet to tropes, and while it's deliciously written, there's not much potential outside of canon. And that lack of inspiration makes me grimace a little.

[3rd April, 01:39]

I’ve scrolled through the dd tag and let the book sank a little. I am better articulated to talk about the sexist criticism now.

It's a romance story, and when I judge it by that (lower) standard, it ticks the boxes. However, it might be a weakness as well, due to the projectability of the heroes. And yes, the whole assassination is dumb. Yet, tcw has been consistently this dumb at us. The last two times when she's more rooted in the dark she failed, sent Savage and failed, so she's gonna do it again with Vos… after she put down her desire for revenge. right. ans surprise! Our "assassination" plan is to find Dooku and duel him directly. right…

I've read a review that says the romance takes away from the plot. However, the romance IS the plot. The book IS supposed to revolve around the two of them. I do agree them becoming begrudging allies then partners is a more unique approach, more rewarding as foils as well. but I guess a romance is easier for the convention to process ¯\_(��)_/¯

With the "Ventress lose agency in falling for Vos". Now, I can't dictate how each of us buy into their physical attraction and chemistry (or lack thereof), and there's no denial that a conscious human being is making that choice for the fictional character, I think the stance on this topic is really tinted by the above two factors, which are very different starting points.

I kept Katie. Lucas's foreword vividly in mind while reading. She said this is a story about people seizing chances to rebuild. That there's always a choice. Cliché as it is, I believe ~the power of love~. I believe there exists someone you're willing to sacrifice everything for, to overlook everything for, to forgive - to love them, warts and all. So, yes whether you think Ventress loses her agency to the romance, or if that's a conscious choice on her behalf, is swayed heavily by how much you buy that they are the one.

[10th April, 10:30]

So Mr. Partner has finished the book too. He didn't offer particular insights, but we discussed briefly the overall pace and bits of characterization. He did made me rolled with laughter describing Vos through a childish, tropey lens. Regarding the topic of this documentation - the quin tress relationship, I've been more or less really enjoying it as a guilty pleasure. I don't read romance novels at all, and this is tooth-rotting sweet angst.

Yesterday I’ve been thinking a bit more about this. I do love this ship, I just don’t believe they’d be two people who find each other again and again in every life time, in every universe. That’s why, as magnificent as fireworks, it also won’t last.

It's very nostalgic to indulge in a heterosexual relationship, and pair it up with taylor swift songs. If I have a boyfriend as devoted as Vos, I'd fall one hundred percent. And if I'm faced with an bombshell like Ventress, I would not be able to have any agency I swear. Either way, in my headcanon, Ventress is happily away on adventures with Lassa :3

To explore this, it’s not entire impossible for quin tress to separate peacefully after this incident, but would that cheapen the build before? The entire motivation of dark!Quinlan hinges on his vision of their future. And say, Ventress did saved him and survived. How would he balance being a Jedi and his feelings - that’s publicly exposed to the Council? (sidenote: i really don’t like Ch. 27 where a bunch of old men are questioning their love life, but uhhh yes, I’m a sensible person!) For now, I’m seeing another Obitine situation. And honestly how bad that an outcome is. It’s not like Ventress died for her war crimes! The show gave her a full pardon! So Idk man. Why can’t she leaves him because she loves him and she exiled herself and they never see each other again WHY NOT FILONI WHY NOT.

Now I’m lamenting more what could’ve been with the two arcs. In Filoni’s original sketch, Aayla and Maul were involved. Man, that could’ve been the dream. I skipped to translating the last two chapters and all the way I was just fuming at how stupid it was. There are difficult technical terms but I really enjoy voicing the characters. But it just takes away bit of that formality and Shakespearean tragic factor having them talk in my native tongue???? haha

Prelude: [12th March 22:37]

since dark disciple heteronormatively gave Rhayme and Ventress boyfriends, I'm gonna go ahead and sign the charter that says "all sw characters are bi"

which got me thinking, I insist that Quinlan and Ventress must fuck (and I insist they did, with the implication from when Quinlan "had seen her by starlight, just her"), but why didn't I think that way with Rhayme and her? Maybe it's because the story never pushed me there. I'd wish it indeed have more to do with I'm aspec than internalized homophobia (that I look down on everyone), but I also think, fucking is literally the hottest thing a heterosexual relationship can do? Every selling point, either be appearance or intellect, leads up to the ultimate goal of reproduction?

But oh my god, space lesbians, beating up pirates, sharing a wine, teasing hairs and finger tips. That's so goddamn romantic

[edit: i know that is an extremely skewered and unfair view, but i’ve met maybe, one, boy on my intellectual level. it’s a game of probability ok]

~~~

Part 2: [26th April, 15:15]

It has been… a month, since I finished Dark Disciple and I feel like it’s time to conclude all the thinking this book has made me do.

On the wider reflection about attachment and the Order, I still have to do more reading on it to form a concrete opinion. This theme won’t be touched on in this post yet, but I cannot shake how intriguing it is to compare “falling” in love to falling to the dark side. The temptation, and the submission to their emotions, the irrationality, the newfound curiosity, it all incites. Very curiously, it was Anakin. Skywalker who commented that one is “blinded by love”

Okay, so what I’ve been scratching my head off the past two weeks is how I look at the romance between Asajj. Ventress and Quinlan. Vos. How would I define it?

Now this is as much as an exploration of how I view romantic relationships. Well, I’ve decided it wasn’t “love”, it was an “affair”. It was an affair because it’s a rush of passion, it’s a secret, it won’t last. Before I chop my own head off for bluntness, I mean it in, of course they are hopelessly in love with each other, that’s the exact premise of why it moved me so. But it wasn’t a complete relationship, wasn’t a healthy, sustainable one by any objective standards. Then, that’s the exact contradiction. Oh to throw caution in the wind with you, or to build a future with you?

Both are things I want a lot, and the ideal is of course one after the other. What quin tress had (in the end) is definitely not something I’d want for myself, but it’s so fantastical, it’s alluring, just like the concept of falling in love - opening up yourself and trusting another person, is - it’s risky. That’s why it’s a sweet, sweet drug.

I’ve been so angry at all the red flags in this relationship. Reading this book, getting into both of their shoes, yelling NO like their best friends. But ultimately, what they had is unique to them and I can’t influence it in any way. Re-reading, I find myself holding myself back at all the places I was furious about going ‘You are smarter than this!’. Because it’s a tragedy, and the beautiful thing is they chose each other (I guess).

The other day something on the dash inspired me to really think about ship dynamics. I, unashamedly admit, I’m VERY into Obi/Quin/Ventress in any and all combinations. *cough* I will not explain further.

Aside, the elephant was I’ve never been in a relationship or felt physically attracted to any person in my life. I suppose that’s a reason it took some time for me to really buy into them more than friends. I do accept the premise and I did discover they share quite a bunch of traits, but it confused me a while what made them cross the boundary, and it was, physical attraction (that the book was selling so hard I was blushing hot). But what really frustrates me, not that I couldn’t invest into two paper people’s love story, but was why my body is governed by hormones so bad. I could say things I wouldn’t dare depending on the day of the month. I have to be honest, I love them both a lot, and I would like to date them both, and I can see myself in either of them. Again comes another contradiction, is it a good thing to have characters so easily projectable, or do I want to see myself in more complex characters like them?

I probably lost quite a few cars stalling this train of thought. This book brought me a lot of emotional upheavals and a lot of food for thought. It brought me down to reflect on my romantic worldview and sexuality because I have nothing better to do. It totally challenged me as a writer and it’s just a really good novel by its right, regardless of the absurdity that is The Clone Wars. It’s a lot of firsts for me. And I really should find something better to do.

#echoesdiary

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writerinthedarkabyss · 6 years

Note

all the 'lets get personal' qs plz?!

Did you mean this post? If so, well damn alright people, buckle up.

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

This changes every week but right now on my phone it says, 1)If I Had A Million by Fink 2)Drive by Oh Wonder 3)In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins 4)Rollercoaster by The Bleachers 5)P.I.M.P by 50 Cent 6)Falling by Opia

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

My Great Grandmother on my mom/s side. I’ve heard so much about her and I always wanted to meet her.

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give meline 17.

It may or may not be my Phonetics textbook. “Fricatives are sounds made with a small opening, allowing the air to escape...”

4: What do you think about most?

In all honesty, lately I’ve been thinking about my decisions and if I’m doing things in a way that’s going to help me in the future or am I just wasting my life and time.

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

“Depends you got the answer to a good stress relief, or to my anthropology homework?”

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

Most of the time, I sleep with them on.

7: What’s your strangest talent?

I don’t know if this counts but I can put both legs behind my head without struggling.

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

Girls rule, boys drool. No just kidding.

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

Not that I know of, although I’ve written poems and sons about people.

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

A couple of days ago, I think?

11: Do you have any strange phobias?

Nope, just your average, everyday ones.

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

Uhh, no.

13: What’s your religion?

I’m an Atheist.

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

Trying to get back inside. No, uhm, probably reading or writing.

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

Behind the camera usually,

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

Oh god, there’s too many and they change all the time. But for right now Fink, The 1975, Bleachers, Blink 182, Oh Wonder.

17: What was the last lie you told?

This Wednesday, I might have told my mom that class was cancelled but I really didn’t want to go to that class.

18: Do you believe in karma?

Yes, I do.

19: What does your URL mean?

I do a lot of my best writing at night, and “writerinthedark” was already taken. Also my header is from one of my ultime favorite and underrated shows called Farscape. It was something said to the one of the main characters in the show and it holds so much meaning.

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

21: Who is your celebrity crush?

Uhm, I might be jumping on the bandwagon Noah Centineo. But honestly he’s been my crush long before TATBILB. He was my MCM since The Fosters.

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

Haha nope.

23: How do you vent your anger?

I usually write it out. Either in the form of literal venting or a story/poem.

24: Do you have a collection of anything?

I have a collection of pennies since Canada no longer uses them. I also have about fifteen candles and 150 books, if that counts as a collection?

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chattingonline?

Video chatting my friends 100%

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

Most days, I like who I am now.

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

Nails on a chalkboard and crunching snow are awful. I love the sound of crackling fire and rain.

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

What if that thing when I was 6 didn’t happen.

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

Yep, ghosts have to be real. Too big of a global phenomenon for them to not exist. The same sot of thing with Aliens. While I don’ believe that they’re little green men. Do you know how big the entire universe is? I find it very difficult to believe that we are the only planet it the entire universe that holds intelligent lifeforms

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Dothe same with your left arm.

My right arm I‘m touching one of my candles and in my left arm I’m touching my soft body pillow.

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

Black cherry incense stick that I lit earlier.

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

The depths of my mind at three am during a panic attack.

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

I’m an East Coast girl.

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

Uhm, I’m drawing a blank right now.

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

To be happy and leave it in better shape than you found it.

36: Define Art.

Ahh, getting flashbacks to my Philosophy of Art class. To me, art is anything that someone creates with either and emotional or political message behind it.

37: Do you believe in luck?

Yes

38: What’s the weather like right now?

It’s finally autumn my favorite season which means it’s raining and cool enough for a sweater right now.

39: What time is it?

It is currently 11:47pm.

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

I don’t drive yet.

41: What was the last book you read?

For pleasure, I reread “Foxfire: Confessions of a Girl Gang in the 1950′s” by Carol Joyce Oates, which is one of my all time favorite books. But the actual last book I read was Chapter 4 of “The Sounds of Language: An Introduction to Phonetics” for my Phonetics class.

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

Nope, I hate it. Although my mother ans brother like it a lot.

43: Do you have any nicknames?

Cat, Katie, kitty, freak, KitKat

44: What was the last film you saw?

If we’re talking at home, than it was “Serenity”. If we’re talking movie theaters than it was “Little Italy”.

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

I don’t seriously injure myself a lot, I mostly get bruised and little cuts but there was once when I sprained three ligaments in my knee and was on a cane (because I’m a klutz and fell on the crutches they gave me) for three weeks.

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

No, I don’t think so.

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

Not that I can think of.

48: What’s your sexual orientation?

I’m cis and straight.

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

Yep, quite a lot actually.

50: Do you believe in magic?

Hell yeah.

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have doneyou wrong?

For the most part no. Life is too short for that shit.

52: What is your astrological sign?

I am the first day of Virgo.

53: Do you save money or spend it?

I try to save it but I usually spend it,

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

Prime example, I just bought my mom and I matching cat pajamas.

55: Love or lust?

Love.

56: In a relationship?

Actually yeah, two months today.

57: How many relationships have you had?

Okay, if we’re talking “relationships” like “something more than friends” then 6.If we’re talking actual relationships 3.

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

Nope, I have a really short tongue,

59: Where were you yesterday?

Downtown at school, my boyfriends, my house.

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

Yep, there’s quite a few pink items in my room.

61: Are you wearing socks right now?

Yep, it’s a little chilly

62: What’s your favourite animal?

Kittens :)

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

Use any insecurity that I mention to you in confidence and it will ruin me.

64: Where is your best friend?

All the way across the country for the next four months. :( She’s visiting her boyfriend but I miss her.

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr

I can’t, there’s too many.

66: What is your heritage?

I am British and Quebecois.

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

Watching reruns of “White Collar” with my boyfriend of the couch.

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

He has too many.

69: Biggest turn ons?

Back muscles, being engaged and interested in conversations, making me laugh, knowing that I’m someone you want to spend your time with.

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as afriend?

I think so. I always try to treat and act towards others the way I’d want to be treated,

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work.There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss hastold you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

I get fired. Puppy is way more important to me.

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informedyou that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tellanyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remainingdays? c) Would you be afraid?

I wouldn’t tell anyone right away. Maybe a week before I’d let other know what’s happening so they could have time to process. I would do as many things on my bucket list as I could. But mostly I’d try and spend as much time I have left with the people I love. I would absolutely be afraid. I spent a little while not wanting to live. Now though, now I don’t want to die, I still have so much I want to do.

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

Love, I believe that if you love someone and they love you, trust is already in the equation.

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hearit?

2000′s throwbacks are my go to happy songs because they just make me want to move and sing along.

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

0024

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

Trust, honesty, friendship. Being able to make the other person laugh and making them feel and feeling as though you want to spend your time with them.

77: How can I win your heart?

By listening to me and sharing your stupid or deep or random thoughts. Make me feel like I’m important to you and that I make you happy and you’re interested in all parts of my life, not just the good things.

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

Honestly, I feel the most creative when I am holding on to a powerful emotion. I don’t know about insanity, although I can see why people would think that. You’d let go of your inner critic and self doubt in yourself or your work and just create.

79: What is the single best decision you have made in yourlife so far?

Staying alive.

80: What size shoes do you wear?

I’m a size 8 in shoes.

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

Ya dumb bitch I honestly don’t know.

82: What is your favourite word?

For some reason all I can think of is pumpernickel.

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hearthe word; heart.

Soul.

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

“Fuck a duck” thanks mom.

85: What’s the last song you listened to?

Promise by Ben Howard just finished playing.

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?

Royal purple and dark blue,

87: What is your current desktop picture?

A picture of my dream book room.

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the worldinstantaneously explode, who would it be?

I can only pick one person??

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell thetruth on?

The secret I’ve never said to anyone.

90: Turn offs?

Being unhygienic, talking down to others, arrogance

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. Theywere good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-powerof your choice! What is that power?

Either telepathy or invisibility.

92: where are your parents from?

My father is from Quebec and my mother is from England.

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past.What will it be?

The thing that still makes me uncomfortable.

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with themusic-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

Wow, I really don’t know.

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You haveto depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

At the moment, I’d pay for another ticket and go to Kelowna with my mom so she can finally go back there,

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

Not that I know of.

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

Yep, it was not one of my proudest or best moments.

98: Ever been on a plane?

Once, when I was very little.

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, whatwould you say.

I’d quote the Doctor, “Never be cruel, never be cowardly... Remember hate is always foolish, love is always wise. Always try to be nice but never fail to be kind.”

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