#i probably couldve done a better job if i just made my own drawing and didnt try to paint over | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

teeteettteetee · 5 years

Text

80% chance of rain today

i feel particularly bad for myself. and trust me i dont want to, in fact i think that its a little selfish.

i feel as if i surround myself with people and try to convince myself that im doing great and that im supposed to be here and that i work hard for my achievements and my relationships. but today i feel like ive been lying to myself. i pride myself in being able to maintain focus for longer amounts of time, and being very self motivated to finish my work. hell, i started this blog to convince myself that my hard work was paying off. but i dont know, i seem to drown myself in work and unrealistic standards, i sort of dont feel that special today. im trying to find the source so i can put an end to it, so instead of continuing to study i decided to step out and write.

i don’t have a lot of friends. sure i surround myself with people, and i like to think that i can be dependable. but i dont know. someone on the board told me that i need friends in order to make it though the workload ive made myself. i dont have any. i dont know how to define friendship. i have people in my life that tell me about their problems, and i have people that get angry at me when i talk to other people instead of them. i dont consider them friends. if they were friends i wouldnt feel so fake around them. i was hoping for this new director of design spot to introduce me into more groups so i can see what i like. its like im talking to myself on the slack. which kind of sucks, because i was really excited about them. its lonely here. i miss my sister.

i thought working hard would make me feel satisfied with myself. i thought if i made big investments i would receive a lot in return. today in particular i feel like i just let myself get hurt. my roommate is always there to remind me that my achievements are mediocre, and ill always be at the bottom of the ladder. i thought working hard would be able to draw the line between me and everyone else. it turns out, if you know the right people and you’re naturally gifted in math, you’re already doing a hell of a lot better than me.

but if i came here to write about how fucking sad i was, it would be a waste of the time i couldve spent coding, or maybe working to convince myself otherwise. yeah, i dont know what its like to be fucking empathetic to others except myself, and as a result i have no fucking friends. sure, i put all of my eggs into one basket and ended up being disappointed. if i rely on the world around me to determine my puny fucking emotions, i would’ve done some shit back in high school to end it. yeah. im not special to other people. but im special to myself. and at the end of the day, if i close my eyes and step out of the room, my own consciousness is the only judgement i cant escape. so its the only one i care about. i have myself. that’s it. but if anyone is gonna be strong enough standing alone, it’s gonna be me. as long as i know im trying my hardest, thats all that should matter. as long as i know im supporting myself, ill be okay in the end. i dont need the validation of other people to know that im doing a good job. and even though it would be nice, constantly relying on myself is probably the number one way to piss of the people talking shit about me behind my back.

i feel better now. i think ill be okay for now. i still miss my sister, but ill manage for now. keep going.

#shutupb

0 notes