#i showed this to my non-paraphile friend
Text
I want to have the same effect on men that the chernobyl elephant's foot does :3c
#i showed this to my non-paraphile friend#and they were like 'it's funny but i don't know what you mean'#perfect darling mwuah#bunny talks#paraphiles please interact#paraphile safe#paraphilia safe#plus size nsft#fat girls nsft
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I’m a Cisgender Woman and My Husband Watches Trans Porn: Does That Mean He’s Not Into Me?
A reader submitted the following question:
“I recently discovered that my husband is attracted to transsexuals (MTF - non op). This is the only type of porn that he looks at. He also role plays online with men for sexual play and chat. I discovered this after I started snooping because I had some red flags. He is very embarrassed and uncomfortable discussing it. He has apologized for the online chatting (as we had agreed this was out of bounds for our relationship). He says he likes them because they are feminine but his primary attraction is to women (with female parts). However, I just am not sure I believe him. I am terrified that when we are intimate (which I have to pretty much beg for), he can only do it when its dark and I am fearful he is fantasizing that I have a penis. This bothers me deeply on a number of different levels. Are there men who are only interested in transsexuals? Is it possible he is no longer turned on by my female genitalia?”
There’s a lot to unpack in this question, but let’s start here: over the years, I’ve received several emails from women describing similar stories and concerns, so you’re not alone in feeling the way that you do.
That said, before we get into your husband’s attractions and what they mean, it’s important to avoid shaming him for his sexual fantasies and turn-ons because that won’t help this situation at all. It sounds like he already feels a lot of shame and there are clearly some intimacy issues in the relationship, so in the interest of keeping the lines of sexual communication open and productive, try to show as much care and understanding as you can to avoid adding to his feelings of shame.
As I discuss in my book Tell Me What You Want, the content of our sexual fantasies is very diverse and it’s perfectly normal for partners to sometimes have sexual turn-ons that are quite different from one another. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re sexually incompatible or that the relationship can’t work, though. Most people have multiple sexual interests, so sexual compatibility is a matter of finding your common ground, while respecting the areas where you differ.
When it comes to attraction to transgender partners specifically, this isn’t an uncommon fantasy for men to have had before. In the survey of 4,175 Americans’ sex fantasies I conducted for Tell Me What You Want, I found that 20% of cisgender heterosexual men reported having fantasized about a transgender partner before. The number who said this is something they fantasize about frequently was much lower, but the fact that 1 in 5 men reported the fantasy at all tells us that it’s not a rarity.
By contrast, just 5% of cisgender heterosexual women said they had ever fantasized about a trans partner before. So this is a fantasy that appears to be much more common among cis men than it is among cis women. The disparity we see here may help to explain why I’ve received lots of emails from female readers who are concerned about their husband’s or boyfriend’s attractions to trans persons, but I’ve yet to receive an email from a cis man concerned about his wife or girlfriend being attracted to someone who is trans.
It’s worth noting that most heterosexual men who are attracted to transwomen are also attracted to cis women. In a 2015 study published in the journal Psychological Medicine, researchers hooked heterosexual, gay, and trans-attracted men up to an erection-recording device before showing them three different kinds of porn: man-on-man, woman-on-woman, or transwomen having sex.
What the researchers found was that both straight and trans-attracted guys showed high arousal in response to lesbian porn, but low arousal when watching gay male porn; by contrast, gay guys demonstrated precisely the opposite pattern.
When watching porn featuring transwomen, though, only the trans-attracted men demonstrated high levels of arousal. For straight and gay men, trans porn was moderately arousing—somewhere in between how they responded to male- and female-only porn videos.
What this tells us is that, unlike gay men, trans-attracted men don’t seem to be into other men. Rather, they seem to find both cisgender and transgender women to be highly attractive.
The results of this research therefore suggest that your husband is likely telling you the truth when he says that he is attracted to you and to cisgender women more broadly. Thus, it’s important to try not to take your partner’s fantasies as a personal offense and let them detract from the way you feel about yourself. It’s not healthy to set up a mental competition between yourself and your partner’s fantasies.
With that said, it sounds like you’re dealing with multiple issues in your relationship (e.g., infrequent sex, infidelity concerns, your husband’s feelings of shame about his attractions, your own feelings of insecurity, and communication issues). In light of this, the best suggestion I can offer would be to seek some type of counseling or therapy to get your intimate life back on track.
For further insight, I asked a sex therapist, Dr. James Cantor, to weigh in. Here’s what he said:
“I’ve been amazed how often this kind of situation happens: In a male-female couple, the man has a kink or paraphilic interest that he hides from his partner, she discovers it, but even though she would have been willing to work on accommodating those interests, she feels much more offended by it having been hidden from her in the first place.
There do indeed exist men who are attracted to people with a mix of masculine and feminine anatomy, and although we can’t know exactly how common, the most common combination appears to be a feminine body—full breasts and curvy hips—but with a penis.
To address the specific question: There is no good reason for the letter-writer to believe her husband’s sexuality reflects on her attractiveness, femininity, or other attributes. In general, men with gynandromorphophilia (the technical name for this sexuality) do not gravitate towards non-feminine or even androgynous women. That is, they want another penis in the equation, but not other aspects that would suggest manhood. If anything, they express wanting other aspects of their partners to be extra feminine, which further emphasizes the contrast with the partner’s penis.
When couples come to me with situations like this, we generally take each part of this multi-headed problem on its own. For the couple, her feelings of betrayal and loss of trust generally need to come first. Because of the stigma associated with atypical sexualities, she may not feel as able to rely on friends and the social support system one would after discovery of infidelity, and she may need extra time to come to terms with it.
For the husbands: I nearly always recommend individual therapy on top of couples’ therapy. He does experience a sexuality profoundly different from other people’s, and he will need to come to where he can acknowledge it and start to integrate into his life in an honest and authentic way. It is only from there that he will be able to negotiate a satisfying sex life with his wife. He has a coming out process to go through, but no LGB-equivalent community to help him do it.”
For more Q&A’s on Sex and Psychology, click here. To send in a question, click here.
Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology ? Click here for previous articles or follow the blog on Facebook (facebook.com/psychologyofsex), Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit (reddit.com/r/psychologyofsex) to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram.
Image Source: 123RF
You Might Also Like:
The Top 10 Most-Read Questions and Answers on Sex and Psychology
Sex Question Friday: My Boyfriend Likes Wearing Women’s Stockings. Is He Gay?
How Many Straight Men Watch Gay Porn? And How Many Gay Guys Watch Straight Porn?
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I’m a Cisgender Woman and My Husband Watches Trans Porn: Does That Mean He’s Not Into Me?
A reader submitted the following question:
“I recently discovered that my husband is attracted to transsexuals (MTF - non op). This is the only type of porn that he looks at. He also role plays online with men for sexual play and chat. I discovered this after I started snooping because I had some red flags. He is very embarrassed and uncomfortable discussing it. He has apologized for the online chatting (as we had agreed this was out of bounds for our relationship). He says he likes them because they are feminine but his primary attraction is to women (with female parts). However, I just am not sure I believe him. I am terrified that when we are intimate (which I have to pretty much beg for), he can only do it when its dark and I am fearful he is fantasizing that I have a penis. This bothers me deeply on a number of different levels. Are there men who are only interested in transsexuals? Is it possible he is no longer turned on by my female genitalia?”
There’s a lot to unpack in this question, but let’s start here: over the years, I’ve received several emails from women describing similar stories and concerns, so you’re not alone in feeling the way that you do.
That said, before we get into your husband’s attractions and what they mean, it’s important to avoid shaming him for his sexual fantasies and turn-ons because that won’t help this situation at all. It sounds like he already feels a lot of shame and there are clearly some intimacy issues in the relationship, so in the interest of keeping the lines of sexual communication open and productive, try to show as much care and understanding as you can to avoid adding to his feelings of shame.
As I discuss in my book Tell Me What You Want, the content of our sexual fantasies is very diverse and it’s perfectly normal for partners to sometimes have sexual turn-ons that are quite different from one another. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re sexually incompatible or that the relationship can’t work, though. Most people have multiple sexual interests, so sexual compatibility is a matter of finding your common ground, while respecting the areas where you differ.
When it comes to attraction to transgender partners specifically, this isn’t an uncommon fantasy for men to have had before. In the survey of 4,175 Americans’ sex fantasies I conducted for Tell Me What You Want, I found that 20% of cisgender heterosexual men reported having fantasized about a transgender partner before. The number who said this is something they fantasize about frequently was much lower, but the fact that 1 in 5 men reported the fantasy at all tells us that it’s not a rarity.
By contrast, just 5% of cisgender heterosexual women said they had ever fantasized about a trans partner before. So this is a fantasy that appears to be much more common among cis men than it is among cis women. The disparity we see here may help to explain why I’ve received lots of emails from female readers who are concerned about their husband’s or boyfriend’s attractions to trans persons, but I’ve yet to receive an email from a cis man concerned about his wife or girlfriend being attracted to someone who is trans.
It’s worth noting that most heterosexual men who are attracted to transwomen are also attracted to cis women. In a 2015 study published in the journal Psychological Medicine, researchers hooked heterosexual, gay, and trans-attracted men up to an erection-recording device before showing them three different kinds of porn: man-on-man, woman-on-woman, or transwomen having sex.
What the researchers found was that both straight and trans-attracted guys showed high arousal in response to lesbian porn, but low arousal when watching gay male porn; by contrast, gay guys demonstrated precisely the opposite pattern.
When watching porn featuring transwomen, though, only the trans-attracted men demonstrated high levels of arousal. For straight and gay men, trans porn was moderately arousing—somewhere in between how they responded to male- and female-only porn videos.
What this tells us is that, unlike gay men, trans-attracted men don’t seem to be into other men. Rather, they seem to find both cisgender and transgender women to be highly attractive.
The results of this research therefore suggest that your husband is likely telling you the truth when he says that he is attracted to you and to cisgender women more broadly. Thus, it’s important to try not to take your partner’s fantasies as a personal offense and let them detract from the way you feel about yourself. It’s not healthy to set up a mental competition between yourself and your partner’s fantasies.
With that said, it sounds like you’re dealing with multiple issues in your relationship (e.g., infrequent sex, infidelity concerns, your husband’s feelings of shame about his attractions, your own feelings of insecurity, and communication issues). In light of this, the best suggestion I can offer would be to seek some type of counseling or therapy to get your intimate life back on track.
For further insight, I asked a sex therapist, Dr. James Cantor, to weigh in. Here’s what he said:
“I’ve been amazed how often this kind of situation happens: In a male-female couple, the man has a kink or paraphilic interest that he hides from his partner, she discovers it, but even though she would have been willing to work on accommodating those interests, she feels much more offended by it having been hidden from her in the first place.
There do indeed exist men who are attracted to people with a mix of masculine and feminine anatomy, and although we can’t know exactly how common, the most common combination appears to be a feminine body—full breasts and curvy hips—but with a penis.
To address the specific question: There is no good reason for the letter-writer to believe her husband’s sexuality reflects on her attractiveness, femininity, or other attributes. In general, men with gynandromorphophilia (the technical name for this sexuality) do not gravitate towards non-feminine or even androgynous women. That is, they want another penis in the equation, but not other aspects that would suggest manhood. If anything, they express wanting other aspects of their partners to be extra feminine, which further emphasizes the contrast with the partner’s penis.
When couples come to me with situations like this, we generally take each part of this multi-headed problem on its own. For the couple, her feelings of betrayal and loss of trust generally need to come first. Because of the stigma associated with atypical sexualities, she may not feel as able to rely on friends and the social support system one would after discovery of infidelity, and she may need extra time to come to terms with it.
For the husbands: I nearly always recommend individual therapy on top of couples’ therapy. He does experience a sexuality profoundly different from other people’s, and he will need to come to where he can acknowledge it and start to integrate into his life in an honest and authentic way. It is only from there that he will be able to negotiate a satisfying sex life with his wife. He has a coming out process to go through, but no LGB-equivalent community to help him do it.”
For more Q&A’s on Sex and Psychology, click here. To send in a question, click here.
Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology ? Click here for previous articles or follow the blog on Facebook (facebook.com/psychologyofsex), Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit (reddit.com/r/psychologyofsex) to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram.
Image Source: 123RF
You Might Also Like:
The Top 10 Most-Read Questions and Answers on Sex and Psychology
Sex Question Friday: My Boyfriend Likes Wearing Women’s Stockings. Is He Gay?
How Many Straight Men Watch Gay Porn? And How Many Gay Guys Watch Straight Porn?
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I’m a Cisgender Woman and My Husband Watches Trans Porn: Does That Mean He’s Not Into Me?
A reader submitted the following question:
“I recently discovered that my husband is attracted to transsexuals (MTF - non op). This is the only type of porn that he looks at. He also role plays online with men for sexual play and chat. I discovered this after I started snooping because I had some red flags. He is very embarrassed and uncomfortable discussing it. He has apologized for the online chatting (as we had agreed this was out of bounds for our relationship). He says he likes them because they are feminine but his primary attraction is to women (with female parts). However, I just am not sure I believe him. I am terrified that when we are intimate (which I have to pretty much beg for), he can only do it when its dark and I am fearful he is fantasizing that I have a penis. This bothers me deeply on a number of different levels. Are there men who are only interested in transsexuals? Is it possible he is no longer turned on by my female genitalia?”
There’s a lot to unpack in this question, but let’s start here: over the years, I’ve received several emails from women describing similar stories and concerns, so you’re not alone in feeling the way that you do.
That said, before we get into your husband’s attractions and what they mean, it’s important to avoid shaming him for his sexual fantasies and turn-ons because that won’t help this situation at all. It sounds like he already feels a lot of shame and there are clearly some intimacy issues in the relationship, so in the interest of keeping the lines of sexual communication open and productive, try to show as much care and understanding as you can to avoid adding to his feelings of shame.
As I discuss in my book Tell Me What You Want, the content of our sexual fantasies is very diverse and it’s perfectly normal for partners to sometimes have sexual turn-ons that are quite different from one another. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re sexually incompatible or that the relationship can’t work, though. Most people have multiple sexual interests, so sexual compatibility is a matter of finding your common ground, while respecting the areas where you differ.
When it comes to attraction to transgender partners specifically, this isn’t an uncommon fantasy for men to have had before. In the survey of 4,175 Americans’ sex fantasies I conducted for Tell Me What You Want, I found that 20% of cisgender heterosexual men reported having fantasized about a transgender partner before. The number who said this is something they fantasize about frequently was much lower, but the fact that 1 in 5 men reported the fantasy at all tells us that it’s not a rarity.
By contrast, just 5% of cisgender heterosexual women said they had ever fantasized about a trans partner before. So this is a fantasy that appears to be much more common among cis men than it is among cis women. The disparity we see here may help to explain why I’ve received lots of emails from female readers who are concerned about their husband’s or boyfriend’s attractions to trans persons, but I’ve yet to receive an email from a cis man concerned about his wife or girlfriend being attracted to someone who is trans.
It’s worth noting that most heterosexual men who are attracted to transwomen are also attracted to cis women. In a 2015 study published in the journal Psychological Medicine, researchers hooked heterosexual, gay, and trans-attracted men up to an erection-recording device before showing them three different kinds of porn: man-on-man, woman-on-woman, or transwomen having sex.
What the researchers found was that both straight and trans-attracted guys showed high arousal in response to lesbian porn, but low arousal when watching gay male porn; by contrast, gay guys demonstrated precisely the opposite pattern.
When watching porn featuring transwomen, though, only the trans-attracted men demonstrated high levels of arousal. For straight and gay men, trans porn was moderately arousing—somewhere in between how they responded to male- and female-only porn videos.
What this tells us is that, unlike gay men, trans-attracted men don’t seem to be into other men. Rather, they seem to find both cisgender and transgender women to be highly attractive.
The results of this research therefore suggest that your husband is likely telling you the truth when he says that he is attracted to you and to cisgender women more broadly. Thus, it’s important to try not to take your partner’s fantasies as a personal offense and let them detract from the way you feel about yourself. It’s not healthy to set up a mental competition between yourself and your partner’s fantasies.
With that said, it sounds like you’re dealing with multiple issues in your relationship (e.g., infrequent sex, infidelity concerns, your husband’s feelings of shame about his attractions, your own feelings of insecurity, and communication issues). In light of this, the best suggestion I can offer would be to seek some type of counseling or therapy to get your intimate life back on track.
For further insight, I asked a sex therapist, Dr. James Cantor, to weigh in. Here’s what he said:
“I’ve been amazed how often this kind of situation happens: In a male-female couple, the man has a kink or paraphilic interest that he hides from his partner, she discovers it, but even though she would have been willing to work on accommodating those interests, she feels much more offended by it having been hidden from her in the first place.
There do indeed exist men who are attracted to people with a mix of masculine and feminine anatomy, and although we can’t know exactly how common, the most common combination appears to be a feminine body—full breasts and curvy hips—but with a penis.
To address the specific question: There is no good reason for the letter-writer to believe her husband’s sexuality reflects on her attractiveness, femininity, or other attributes. In general, men with gynandromorphophilia (the technical name for this sexuality) do not gravitate towards non-feminine or even androgynous women. That is, they want another penis in the equation, but not other aspects that would suggest manhood. If anything, they express wanting other aspects of their partners to be extra feminine, which further emphasizes the contrast with the partner’s penis.
When couples come to me with situations like this, we generally take each part of this multi-headed problem on its own. For the couple, her feelings of betrayal and loss of trust generally need to come first. Because of the stigma associated with atypical sexualities, she may not feel as able to rely on friends and the social support system one would after discovery of infidelity, and she may need extra time to come to terms with it.
For the husbands: I nearly always recommend individual therapy on top of couples’ therapy. He does experience a sexuality profoundly different from other people’s, and he will need to come to where he can acknowledge it and start to integrate into his life in an honest and authentic way. It is only from there that he will be able to negotiate a satisfying sex life with his wife. He has a coming out process to go through, but no LGB-equivalent community to help him do it.”
For more Q&A’s on Sex and Psychology, click here. To send in a question, click here.
Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology ? Click here for previous articles or follow the blog on Facebook (facebook.com/psychologyofsex), Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit (reddit.com/r/psychologyofsex) to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram.
Image Source: 123RF
You Might Also Like:
The Top 10 Most-Read Questions and Answers on Sex and Psychology
Sex Question Friday: My Boyfriend Likes Wearing Women’s Stockings. Is He Gay?
How Many Straight Men Watch Gay Porn? And How Many Gay Guys Watch Straight Porn?
from MeetPositives SM Feed 4 https://ift.tt/2S4ZR00
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Text
3 Sex Fantasies That Are More Common Than You Think
Paraphilia is the term psychiatrists and psychologists use to refer to any type of unusual or “non-normative” sexual interest. The number of sexual fantasies that have been deemed paraphilic has grown substantially over the years to the point where hundreds of things have now been labeled as unusual turn-ons. As it turns out, however, a lot of these fantasies aren’t so uncommon after all.
Here are three specific sexual fantasies that are typically considered to be paraphilic, but that are actually quite common in terms of the number of people who have fantasized about them before.
First, far from being rare, BDSM (which stands for bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism) is something that most people appear to have had sexual fantasies about, although certain aspects of BDSM seem to be a bit more popular than others.
I collected data from more than 4,000 Americans about their sexual fantasies for my book Tell Me What You Want and found that most women (93%) and men (81%) had fantasized about being sexually dominated before; likewise, a majority of men (85%) and women (76%) had fantasized about sexually dominating someone else. In addition, most women (85%) and men (73%) had fantasized about being tied up during sex, or tying someone else up.
The desire to mix pleasure and pain was common, too, with 56% of men and 60% of women reporting fantasies about sadism (such as spanking or whipping a partner during sex), and 79% of women and 49% of men reporting fantasies about masochism (such as being spanked or whipped).
As you can see, BDSM is a pretty common activity to find sexually arousing, especially the dominance-submission and bondage aspects of it.
Having sex in public is another fantasy most men and women have had before, too. According to my survey, 81% of men and 84% of women have been turned on by the thought of public sex. This interest in “putting on a show” is something that many refer to as exhibitionism; however, this is different from the strict clinical definition of exhibitionism, which involves using nudity or sexual activity to offend or harass others. That is far less common (about 7% of women and 13% of men reported having fantasies about non-consensual nudity). Instead, what’s common is the desire to perform in front of a willing audience.
One other fantasy that is quite popular, particularly among men, is voyeurism, or the act of watching an unknowing person undress or have sex. My survey revealed that 72% of men and 48% of women have previously fantasized about voyeurism.
Together, what these numbers tell us is that psychologists and other mental health care professionals should take care when classifying a given sexual fantasy as unusual because many so-called paraphilic desires actually appear to represent very common fantasy themes.
I should be clear that just because someone has fantasized about something doesn’t necessarily mean that they want to do it. In other words, not all fantasies are desires. Also, keep in mind that the numbers above only reflect whether people have ever had a given fantasy, not whether it’s their favorite fantasy or something they think about often (e.g., it could have been a one-time thing).
That said, whether a given fantasy is classified as common or uncommon has no bearing on whether that fantasy should be considered healthy or unhealthy, though—that’s a completely different question. Just because a fantasy is common—like voyeurism—doesn’t mean that it’s something people should be encouraged to act out. Likewise, just because a fantasy is rare doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s harmful to anyone if they decide to make it a sexual reality . Whether a sexual interest is healthy or unhealthy therefore has little to do with how many people are turned on by it and far more to do with its effects, especially whether the behavior is consensual or non-consensual.
To learn more about the science of sexual fantasies, including where our fantasies come from and what they say about us, check out Tell Me What You Want.
Exclusive offer for readers of the blog: If you order Tell Me What You Want, you will receive a bonus package that includes an extra chapter (which focuses on the psychology behind some of the less common sex fantasies), some fun fantasy-related infographics, and more. Click here for complete details on this offer.
Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for previous articles or follow the blog on Facebook (facebook.com/psychologyofsex), Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit (reddit.com/r/psychologyofsex) to receive updates.
Image Sources: iStockphoto
You Might Also Like:
Forbidden Fruit: How Many of Us Have Fantasized About Our Partner’s Best Friend? Or Their Sibling?
How Many People Want To Have Sex With A Robot?
Similarities and Differences in Men’s and Women’s Sex Fantasies
The 7 Most Common Sexual Fantasies
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3 Sex Fantasies That Are More Common Than You Think
Paraphilia is the term psychiatrists and psychologists use to refer to any type of unusual or “non-normative” sexual interest. The number of sexual fantasies that have been deemed paraphilic has grown substantially over the years to the point where hundreds of things have now been labeled as unusual turn-ons. As it turns out, however, a lot of these fantasies aren’t so uncommon after all.
Here are three specific sexual fantasies that are typically considered to be paraphilic, but that are actually quite common in terms of the number of people who have fantasized about them before.
First, far from being rare, BDSM (which stands for bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism) is something that most people appear to have had sexual fantasies about, although certain aspects of BDSM seem to be a bit more popular than others.
I collected data from more than 4,000 Americans about their sexual fantasies for my book Tell Me What You Want and found that most women (93%) and men (81%) had fantasized about being sexually dominated before; likewise, a majority of men (85%) and women (76%) had fantasized about sexually dominating someone else. In addition, most women (85%) and men (73%) had fantasized about being tied up during sex, or tying someone else up.
The desire to mix pleasure and pain was common, too, with 56% of men and 60% of women reporting fantasies about sadism (such as spanking or whipping a partner during sex), and 79% of women and 49% of men reporting fantasies about masochism (such as being spanked or whipped).
As you can see, BDSM is a pretty common activity to find sexually arousing, especially the dominance-submission and bondage aspects of it.
Having sex in public is another fantasy most men and women have had before, too. According to my survey, 81% of men and 84% of women have been turned on by the thought of public sex. This interest in “putting on a show” is something that many refer to as exhibitionism; however, this is different from the strict clinical definition of exhibitionism, which involves using nudity or sexual activity to offend or harass others. That is far less common (about 7% of women and 13% of men reported having fantasies about non-consensual nudity). Instead, what’s common is the desire to perform in front of a willing audience.
One other fantasy that is quite popular, particularly among men, is voyeurism, or the act of watching an unknowing person undress or have sex. My survey revealed that 72% of men and 48% of women have previously fantasized about voyeurism.
Together, what these numbers tell us is that psychologists and other mental health care professionals should take care when classifying a given sexual fantasy as unusual because many so-called paraphilic desires actually appear to represent very common fantasy themes.
I should be clear that just because someone has fantasized about something doesn’t necessarily mean that they want to do it. In other words, not all fantasies are desires. Also, keep in mind that the numbers above only reflect whether people have ever had a given fantasy, not whether it’s their favorite fantasy or something they think about often (e.g., it could have been a one-time thing).
That said, whether a given fantasy is classified as common or uncommon has no bearing on whether that fantasy should be considered healthy or unhealthy, though—that’s a completely different question. Just because a fantasy is common—like voyeurism—doesn’t mean that it’s something people should be encouraged to act out. Likewise, just because a fantasy is rare doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s harmful to anyone if they decide to make it a sexual reality . Whether a sexual interest is healthy or unhealthy therefore has little to do with how many people are turned on by it and far more to do with its effects, especially whether the behavior is consensual or non-consensual.
To learn more about the science of sexual fantasies, including where our fantasies come from and what they say about us, check out Tell Me What You Want.
Exclusive offer for readers of the blog: If you order Tell Me What You Want, you will receive a bonus package that includes an extra chapter (which focuses on the psychology behind some of the less common sex fantasies), some fun fantasy-related infographics, and more. Click here for complete details on this offer.
Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for previous articles or follow the blog on Facebook (facebook.com/psychologyofsex), Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit (reddit.com/r/psychologyofsex) to receive updates.
Image Sources: iStockphoto
You Might Also Like:
Forbidden Fruit: How Many of Us Have Fantasized About Our Partner’s Best Friend? Or Their Sibling?
How Many People Want To Have Sex With A Robot?
Similarities and Differences in Men’s and Women’s Sex Fantasies
The 7 Most Common Sexual Fantasies
from MeetPositives SM Feed 4 http://bit.ly/2GgcKiP
via IFTTT
0 notes
Text
3 Sex Fantasies That Are More Common Than You Think
Paraphilia is the term psychiatrists and psychologists use to refer to any type of unusual or “non-normative” sexual interest. The number of sexual fantasies that have been deemed paraphilic has grown substantially over the years to the point where hundreds of things have now been labeled as unusual turn-ons. As it turns out, however, a lot of these fantasies aren’t so uncommon after all.
Here are three specific sexual fantasies that are typically considered to be paraphilic, but that are actually quite common in terms of the number of people who have fantasized about them before.
First, far from being rare, BDSM (which stands for bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism) is something that most people appear to have had sexual fantasies about, although certain aspects of BDSM seem to be a bit more popular than others.
I collected data from more than 4,000 Americans about their sexual fantasies for my book Tell Me What You Want and found that most women (93%) and men (81%) had fantasized about being sexually dominated before; likewise, a majority of men (85%) and women (76%) had fantasized about sexually dominating someone else. In addition, most women (85%) and men (73%) had fantasized about being tied up during sex, or tying someone else up.
The desire to mix pleasure and pain was common, too, with 56% of men and 60% of women reporting fantasies about sadism (such as spanking or whipping a partner during sex), and 79% of women and 49% of men reporting fantasies about masochism (such as being spanked or whipped).
As you can see, BDSM is a pretty common activity to find sexually arousing, especially the dominance-submission and bondage aspects of it.
Having sex in public is another fantasy most men and women have had before, too. According to my survey, 81% of men and 84% of women have been turned on by the thought of public sex. This interest in “putting on a show” is something that many refer to as exhibitionism; however, this is different from the strict clinical definition of exhibitionism, which involves using nudity or sexual activity to offend or harass others. That is far less common (about 7% of women and 13% of men reported having fantasies about non-consensual nudity). Instead, what’s common is the desire to perform in front of a willing audience.
One other fantasy that is quite popular, particularly among men, is voyeurism, or the act of watching an unknowing person undress or have sex. My survey revealed that 72% of men and 48% of women have previously fantasized about voyeurism.
Together, what these numbers tell us is that psychologists and other mental health care professionals should take care when classifying a given sexual fantasy as unusual because many so-called paraphilic desires actually appear to represent very common fantasy themes.
I should be clear that just because someone has fantasized about something doesn’t necessarily mean that they want to do it. In other words, not all fantasies are desires. Also, keep in mind that the numbers above only reflect whether people have ever had a given fantasy, not whether it’s their favorite fantasy or something they think about often (e.g., it could have been a one-time thing).
That said, whether a given fantasy is classified as common or uncommon has no bearing on whether that fantasy should be considered healthy or unhealthy, though—that’s a completely different question. Just because a fantasy is common—like voyeurism—doesn’t mean that it’s something people should be encouraged to act out. Likewise, just because a fantasy is rare doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s harmful to anyone if they decide to make it a sexual reality . Whether a sexual interest is healthy or unhealthy therefore has little to do with how many people are turned on by it and far more to do with its effects, especially whether the behavior is consensual or non-consensual.
To learn more about the science of sexual fantasies, including where our fantasies come from and what they say about us, check out Tell Me What You Want.
Exclusive offer for readers of the blog: If you order Tell Me What You Want, you will receive a bonus package that includes an extra chapter (which focuses on the psychology behind some of the less common sex fantasies), some fun fantasy-related infographics, and more. Click here for complete details on this offer.
Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for previous articles or follow the blog on Facebook (facebook.com/psychologyofsex), Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit (reddit.com/r/psychologyofsex) to receive updates.
Image Sources: iStockphoto
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