#i think he would think gender is stupid yknow? why the hell should he be a man just bc a bunch of ppl decided it for him? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

pekodayz · 8 months

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aini and oso whatever thing i made at 3am (rubbing my temples and sobbing)

this was just me typing on my phone straight thru, no looking back so it's gonna sound not profresh duhhh . ok don't whateves dont look at me i like odd platonic odd relationships

I feel like aini looks at oso as someone she holds near and dear to her. Yeah she doesn’t wanna pursue a relationship with him but the feeling of being around him makes her feel a bit better about herself, way better even. She has always seen her peers get some sort of love and affection as in like flirtatious comments being thrown at them and such. But aini has never..been asked out or even approached at the idea. She brushed it off as petty human nonsense. but deep down, she’s hurting a bit. She doesn’t care for relationships, but the mere thought of not being wanted or just even the slightest bit of fascination…makes her question herself. Am I deem-able? I shouldn’t care for this…but, I really wish someone would at least tell me how they feel about me. Yes she’s annoying and obnoxious, but she does that to cover up her true feelings….the feelings that shape her to be like this. Though I did say “true feelings”, Aini’s out-spoken part of her is real, I mean she’s not faking it. She doesn’t have a preferred liking to a gender, honestly she’s ace. She’s just starved of a specific type of attention. While she does get called cute by others, she just wants to have some sort of feeling of “huh, wow…we treat each other like absolute animals, but they care about me…” (we know who she’s referring to, right) Okay well aini does get the love and attention from molly and Usiuii. But yknow, that’s bff stuff, ofc ! They love each other so so so much!!! Aini has seen the compliments get thrown at her other 2 friends. She wonders in a way like hm…am I having internal conflict? No, that’s ridiculous…feeble minded words. It’s confusing for aini because she feels guilt for thinking like this. The human race is nothing but…she stops herself there…this chuni brain gets put on hold as she begins to question her own self. I wish I was held by someone..just for a mere moment would be nice. Disgusting, an arm around me…stupid. Aini doesn’t want to be clingy to her dearest friends, so she just does her little tsun act and just shove them off like ough get away from ME. Though she has her weak moments and hopes that they’ll notice (they do) and react accordingly.

Aini gets the cartoonish jealously when she sees others get that stupid human affection…then she pouts about it for a while. Gross…she thinks. Ok now for when she does have her moments with O. She sees him as a rival of some sorts..though she knows she has the one-up. (A job, surprisingly better personality…) Though, I suppose their bickering and arguing does end up with them just sitting there. Why are we yelling so much…couldn’t we just get to know each other more? No? Aini ponders that thought a little, I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to try and get to know him more. He does look like he cares. They’re both hard to read as to the weird repress thing aini does and oso’s not-showing-what the hell-is wrong with him mentality.

She..cares about him, idiotic disgusting low-life of a human..someone she cares for. Unbelievable. People like him should be ignored. But that would be a tad bit rude now wouldnt it. (Look they’ve been hanging out for a while now) The company that aini has dealt with..more so just going to up him or him going up to her, starting something between them. That strengthened whatever kind of friendship this is between them.

Aini wonders if oso cares about her too. (Though she hasnt shown and prob will extremely seldomly show those emotions as well) He does ofc, but for someone as annoying as her, and for someone as idiotic as him…he’s not gonna admit that either. I dunno. Aini would never beat the living shit out of Usiuii and molly even though molly has to put aini and Usiuii in their places from time to time. (aini and usiuii also fight..but not to extreme lengths, just aggressive playful <3) So seeing osomatsu and how he is towards her makes things a lot more reasonable as to beat the shit out of him (and vice versa for him) Aini doesn’t see a relationship in her future, but having a platonic whatever-this-is with osomatsu would be nice. umm marriage scares her and the thought of a relationship is crazy too. Bound for eternity (is what she thinks) is frightening. Even tho he’s osomatsu, she wouldn’t mind dealing with him forever. Like she would prob be super happy knowing someone is more annoying than her, telling him that out loud is the norm. but her true feelings would just make her embarrassed to admit.

Gagging at these thoughts but aini puts a little too much thought in herself, seeing how she’s like super boisterous and loud when she wants to be. It gets to the point where she overthinks the stupid things and ends up riled up, but ends up calming down. Okay gagging fr fr but as much as she wants to avoid something like this, aini really wants someone to just like uhhhhhh yknow .hold her. A pathetic sub-human man. Platonic cuddling exists, yeah????? Like they both get super embarrassed but yknow it’s nice to have someone there..

I stated this a long time ago (i gotta find it and rb it) but aini has a thing where she just gets incredibly clingy when she gets sleepy. I suppose after her and oso have their stupid dumb arguments, they’re like walking together. Aini glancing over at him multiple times and he’s just yknow .yeah.. So they gradually step closer and closer to each other, and oso let’s her cling onto his arm or smth (ew ) cuddling up on him and shit. DISGUSTING 😭 they’re both sweating, blushing and freaking out btw. bc like that’s so foreign for the both of them..idkkkk smth as intimate as this (i am aware that cuddling isn’t like sex but yeah it still sets off the same vibe to me LEVA EME ALONE) is so woaughhhh.. hey it’s 331 am.

Ok ok I need to rb like the stuff abt aini bc this is just her inner dwellings. (SHES STILL CHUNI ONE TOOTH POUTY GUN OKAYY) Someone she only opens up to a select few. Unfortunately, osomatsu is one of them. She knows he wouldn’t tell anyone ..so I suppose ITS FINE. like yeah he’s fucking oughhh but he would share such vulnerable moments between them like wtf..

#oughhh okay if u read it thanks whateves WHWATEV #i just needed to get this out eventually.#i have a lot more but let's just put this out first lol....ughh #I HAD NO IDEA I TYPED ALL OF THIS SO QUICKLY???? phones do wonders tbh #a&o #ppp

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tumblunni · 6 years

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Oh fuck i cant stand this

Ive already almost used up my damn mobile data again and i only bought it yesterday. Fuck i want to go home. You guys are like the only comfort i have here and i dunno what im gonna do when i cant message you again

Fuckin hell stupid shit day! I was supposed to go to a therapy class thing today but the stupid bus went past where my abusive father lives and i had a MASSIVE FREAKOUT and had to go home and then ofcourse to go home you have to go back on the stupid same bus!! I fuckib failed and wasted the doctor's time and he had to grab me to stop me from running off the bus crying and back to fuckin hell dad's house because im shit and i deserve everything he ever did to me

AND THEN fuckin same doctor continues the relentless constant tide of everyone misgendering me and making crass transphobic jokes

"You see you've gotta understand the other opinion" he says, as if trans people werent fuckin raised SURROUNDED by cis people's predjudiced opinion of us and taught it was fact. As if it didnt take me SO MUCH WORK to even become confident enough to stand up for myself! I've gotta see the 'other opinion' that "yknow well families and children use public bathrooms and theyre scared trans people will molest their children so its understandable they want to kick you out or even act violent to you". Yknow the OTHER OPINION that MY OPINION DOESNT MATTER and also MY ENTIRE EXISTANCE IS A CRIME but i'm the one being predjudiced for not accepting that OPINION, right?! Im here trying to tell him that no that isnt rational because there have been LITERALLY NO RECORDED CASES of trans people molesting children in public bathrooms, or even "evil men faking being trans" to do the same thing. There's been more cases of actual cis men breaking into women's bathrooms to drag women out for merely LOOKING trans. More cis women have been harassed because of anti trans laws than they ever did before! But hey "respect that other opinion", right? And also "at least its not as bad as russia" and "but gay pride is everywhere now, that one footballer had rainbow shoelaces." Hey wow i never noticed that not only was homophobia totally over but also transphobia was remotely related to that! Wow! I seriously had to bring out the fuckin 1600s historical investigation on pre-british olde englishe that showed the existance of a gender neutral pronoun before the word "he" ever existed, and the existance of transgender pride and pronoun discussions in the 1800s before the word transgender was even popularized. I cant believe i fuckin had to do a 'show your sources that queer people existed before the internet' IN REAL LIFE. WITH A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL. I can point at the damn NHS website but nooooo!

Oh and yknow what got me the most? YKNOW WHAT GOT ME THE MOST?? "We have sick people here, you cant expect them to remember stuff like that. Dont ruin their recovery by bringing up stuff like that." Like..fuckin..IM A FUCKIN PATIENT TOO. I wasnt even asking the other patients to stop hurting me i was asking you the staff to maybe consider it! And seriously you want me to be so super ultra perpetually prepared and perpetually rational and able to keep my existance secret and out of every conversation yet theyre too ill to learn about lgbt people existing? Just a sentence would be too painful? And me living every day being misgendered doesnt impact my ability to recover at all, eh? Fuckin shitting fuck hell.

And i hate it i HATE IT because he's being nice so i'll be the bad guy if i complain. Likehe fuckin..doesnt even know he's being rude and doesnt want to consider the idea. He says 'i dont like your tone' if i suggest the concept and FUCK in that moment i was so fuckin scared he was gonna hit me like my dad did. Or at tge very least kick me out of the hospital if i dont cooperate with him. He just fuckin..thinks he's perfectly unbiased and accepts everyone and "oh but i like to make fun of everyone equally". And i even fuckin raised the subject that people who say that often only make fun of minorities and never themselves, the majority, or major power structures. And he's just like 'yeah yeh i hate people like that'. Whoosh. Rigjt over the head. God i wasnt even TRYING to be passive aggressive i was trying tk outright tell him why what he said was upsetting me but NOPE. Trying to explain how its just so hard and tiring to have to verrrrrry patientlyyyyy explain yourself to EVERYONE EVERY DAY CONSTANTLY while they sling loads of rude words at you and it should be just allowed because they 'dont know better'. Like you ask me to educate you but at the same time im rude if i actually tell you?? And god i also tried to explain how the fuckin bathroom violence thing isnt an example of 'educating another opinion' AGAIN by saying like... If someone just asked me to explain being transgender i would. If someone just said they were uncomfortable i would leave. That's 'another opinion'. Reacting with slurs and violence to a trans person existing and not doing anything to you is not 'another opinion' and its not someone who 'just didnt know'. He was seriously trying to argue that it WASNT BIGOTED it was just someone rationally being afraid for their children because of a danger that doesnt exist, and rationally reacting with extreme violence rather than doing anything else. Rationally. RATIONALLY. oh just MISTAKENLY committing a hate crime! Cos they just didnt know trans people exist! Not cos they hate us! Oh no! Yeah sure we totally have a fucking DUTY to educate these POOR UNKNOWING PEOPLE while theyre attacking us, and its our damn fault if we didnt...

And just fucking FUCK i hate how someone can say all that stuff and still be "nice" and still not hate me personally? Like its so messed up?? He's not anti trans or anything he just has so much more damn sympathy for cis people than trans people, and puts all the onus on us to somehow prevent our own murders. And he thinks that "i dont have a problem with trans people" means doing LITERALLY NOTHING to change your behaviour to make trans people feel accepted. They should just magically know that your jokes are jokes when theyre surrounded by so many people saying it honestly, in CONSTANT FEAR OF THAT EXACT THING LEADING TO VIOLENCE. And like in order to be "a guy who has no problem with trans people" he has to do nothing, while in order for me to be not bigoted against HIM it means i have to never get offended by his jokes and also never talk about myself and also constantly educate him about things because he doesnt want to learn, even though he works in a hospital thats supposed to have an anti discrimination policy. Like fuckin just NOT HURTING LGBT PEOPLE doesnt make you discrimination free, shit like telling me to misgender myself because my pronouns would confuse the other patients is kinda fuckin fucked up. Also "that's a question for later" is all i CONSTANTLY get when it comes to talking about legal name changes or therapy or even just talking to an lgbt support group. I have to wait until i stop being depressed because oh no im talking about too many mental illnesses at once. Its been seven years and i havent fuckin stopped being depressed, bitch! Ever consider a fuckin symptom of gender dysphoria is a big ol fat depression!!! And just gahhhhh he was so fuckin baffled and angry that i would dare to get emotional about the subject?? Like he just saw DEBATING WHETHER TRANS PEOPLE ARE REAL and WHETHER PEOPLE WHO MURDER THEM FOR USING THE BATHROOM ARE JUSTIFIED as a perfectly normal casual discussion that a Non Transphobic Man could have with his transgender friend. Why oh why would i cry about this casual hypothetical discussion? Hey its not like it fuckin affects me directly! "Well its never happened to you right?" A Ha Ha Ha Ha. Also fuckin "so which bathroom do you use?" and "well you're not really transgender if youre not getting the surgery-oh wait you do want the surgery? How does that work then?" I swear i could just see the gears turning in his head and he was about to say "do you want both down there". Gahhhhhh *cringes myself into a tiny tumbleweed and blows away*

Also the entire time he kept calling being trans a sexuality and also asexuality. "No youre not trans youre asexual right?" Yeah sure ive just been saying im trans and saying im not a girl and wearing a chest binder and talking this entire conversation about my experiences as a trans person in public bathrooms just to pull an elaborate prank on you. And like i know what he meant is that he thought the word for nonbinary was asexual (has asexuality REALLY made so little progress towards getting into the sex ed curriculum in the entire 25 years of my life?) But like seriously he was like "youre not really trans if youre nonbinary". And then fuck dude i dont wanna explain how surgery works to you!! And especially not also my entirely unrelated sexuality that has entirely different equally upsetting predjudices!

Ans gahhhh fuck i just got no sympathy for crying and he acted as if it was just some wildly unexpected occurance he never could have predicted. And i hate it cos he's nice to me whenever the subject is about anything else. I cant get any symoathey from ANYONE because he's A NICE GUY and why dont i just understaaaaaand other opinionnnnnns

I wanted to fuckin quit this whole thing on the spot and go home. Only reason i cant is because my support worker is off work until thursday auauauaughhh

Fuck at least one positive i guess is that ive made progress in the social anxiety or at least gotten better at giving the impression im making progress. Cos i want to LEAVE AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. And also fuck all my other worries seem less suicide-inducing when im actually getting the closest ive ever been to killing myself on a daily basis because of a stupid other thing that i never could have predicted. Go here for one form of self hate, come home with another! Yayyyyy

And fuck i havent even made a single bit of progress on drawing or writing anything and i cant practise making ganes cos my laptop cant run rpgmaker and i havent even started reading my giant pile of books cos they fuckin LOOK THROUGH THE WINDOW EVERY SINGLE HOUR TO MAKE SURE YOU AINT KILLED YOURSELF. i have no fuckin pribacy and its making me wanna kill myself even more!! I just live constantly on edge looking at the fuckin door window and i cant even do anything to distract myself because im too scared of them looking at me!! Or barging in at no notice to tell me i have to do some big stressful thing RIGHT NOW because i dont even get advance notice of anything aaaa! And fuck i dont have anywhere to go to even calm down from a panic attack cos i have no privacy so at least im getting over being scared of going outside cos outside is the only place i can go to cry. Fuckin strangers in the crowd at least wont cause shit if they see me.

Fuck i want to go home. Fuck i wish i had enough money to keep buying mobile internet. Its like fuckin 750mb a day to run tumblr but its all ive got to talk to any person who doesnt hate me or patronize me or think im faking a bunch of shit or whatever the fuck. And im not even any fun to be around when im like this so im probably just ruining your day too. And im probably gonna vanish again soon and then just go back to crying alone and getting worse and probably never being able to leave

I knew it was gonna be stressdul but i didnt predict any of this.. I just wanna fuckin die. I wanted to jump out the car and go to my old dad's house and have him pull open the door and slap me around a bit. Like call me a fucking dyke, call me a sick retard, be honest about your feelings! I'd fuckin take being abused over this "oh youre the bad one for being mad because i had goooood intentions" reverse psychology bigotry from hell. Either these people are evil geniuses or theyre even more stupid like me. Fuckin shit dad please manifest in my room and slap me, killing me instantly. I feel like being scared of you would at least be a faster emotion than this nebulous sensation of confusing unease and dysphoria 24/7 for 6 fuckin months. One week done, haha! Hahahabahahahahahahahahahahahahshahahahahahshshshahshahahahhahahaaaa

#suicide mention #im sorry #all their no privacy shit doesnt even work cos i was just left alone all night when i wanted to kill myself #and took then three days to notice the wound on my arm #didnt cut my veins or anything dangerous i just couldnt stop scratching #at my skin for an hour and now there's a bit of a mess there #but its scabbed over so its fine #i drew all over the other arm to keep from hurting myself again #i thought i was okay after that nice experience at the build a bear workshop but im even #worse today cos now i k ow the staff are just fuckin fine with transphobia and im gonna just have to #shut my mouth i guess #fuck just look forward to the art classes whenever i finally get to do them #but i was looking forward to the class today and then i couldnt do it cos i got all scared of dad #fuckkkkkkk

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themanicgalaxy · 3 years

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SPN 4X7 It’s the Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester

wow working off of....a very fun...adrenaline crash

I’m so tired, panicking is a bad vibe

let’s do this, I hear Sam meets Cas in this episode

wow look at this nice and lovely family, can’t wait to see how they FUCKING DIE

why is the candy shot like this, what happens to the candy

WHY IS THE RAZOR LODGED IN HIS THROAT

WHY IS IT BLEEDING

WHAT THE FUCK

HE’S COUGHING UP RAZORS WHAT THE

just my luck it’s a scary one and on the big screen

the *holds up spell bag and then hides it once Sam sees and starts questioning* was smooth, I like when they do the teamwork thing

Dean why are you eating candy, there are razors in the halloween

oh lovely that’s a Cursed Hex Bag

“he made vanilla look spicy” is a funny line

These people look so young

OH GOD NO DON’T BOB FOR APPLES

STUPID FRAMING DEVICE

ah I see love triangle or something

oh mY GOD SHE’S STUCK

IT’S BOILING THIS IS HORRIFIC

they’re high schoolers ah

because the hail bait comment wheeee

Sam does the hold up this time!

AGENT SEGER

Samhain! Halloween origin! that’s kinda neat

600 years! “and the next cycle is” “Tomorrow” “naturally”

so it raises All the Supernatural that’s fun

DEAN STOP EATING CANDY WHY

aH THE TEENAGER!

Of course her name is Tracy

never heard of Luke Wallace my ass

“if you could pick any costume to come back in, wouldn’t you pick a hot cheerleader? I would”

DEAN WHAT THE F U C K DOES THAT MEAN THAT’S DEFINITELY NOT HOW OBJECTIFICATION WORKS

ooo flashbacks to hell in the mask!

Sam asks if it brings back memories of being a teenager, Dean interprets Hell

...what...brings back memories?? DEAN?

huh the Occult Drawings that’s interesting

“emancipated teen” DID NO ONE FUCKING CHECK THAT

“Trick or treat” “This is a motel”

Dean just wants to eat candy

Dean stop antagonizing the kid

CAS CAS CAS!

SAM IS SO STARSTRUCK THAT’S SO CUTE

Castiel what the actual fuck you’re adorable but fucking terrible at communication

“we’re working on it” “that’s unfortunate” KILLED ME

That was a Significant Look of Uriel

of course it’s a seal

“purified a city” aka kill 1000 people wheee

“you’re bigger picture kind of guys” oooo interesting

“have faith”

OOO CAS BLINDLY FOLLOWS ORDERS

heh puts it in context of his daddy issues but Dean’s been growing past that

Uses his own life as a bargaining chip AGAIN DEAN

Although to be fair, that works

Castiel takes! chance! on DEAN!!!

Angels are assholes, time to figure ir out

“they are righteous that’s the problem”

“there’s nothing more dangerous than some asshole who thinks he’s on a mission from God” OHHHH COME ON THAT’S SO LOADED YOU CAN’T JUST LEAVE THAT THERE

“This is what I’ve been praying to” OH M Y G O D I HAVE THING ABOUT THE FAITH AND SIBLINGS AND AHHHH

“bad apples” SERIOUSLY THIS LOADED ASS CONVERSATION

DEAN WANTS HIS BROTHER TO BELIEVE IN SOMETHING STILL O W

Sam figures out where to go based on the burning of the bone wow!

Sam being smart Sam being smart!!!

“you shouldn’t call them that” Castiel #1 human stan

Why stand and then sit, why stand and then-

disobey orders oho

ah so Tracy’s the sacrifice, and Don’s the Evil One and used her as a scapegoat? ?

of course the perving on the teenager why wouldn’t we god fuckign dammit kripke

...that’s her brother? what the fuck?

ok the eye glitter/lighting was neat

no ok but Magic Witch Lady is kinda a fun character too bad she’s gonna die

Sam do ur magic

Dunks them in blood? Sam what are you doing?

kills her? I feel like kills her?

bro that’s your brother’s body technically

yep

...whore...

Still kinda funny tho

heh they play dead

OH THE MASKS! THE MASKS CALLBACK!

SMART SAM SMART SAM SMART S A M

“you gave it a shot” god i love that, I love when Sam just tries Wack Shit

“BeCauSe thE aNgEl SaiD so”

Angst Teen Sam

bUT DEANNN Why can’t I use my POWERSSSS

just gonna kill the teenagers and trap them with the corpses

oh sweet jesus

oooo CLASSIC horror iconography

IT JUST DOESN’T FUCKING WORK ON SAM OH HELL YEAH

And then they graduate to fistfight but still

Dean’s just going on the Murder Train

GOOD YES DO IT SAM!

FCUK EM UP BABE HEAVEN’S A PIECE OF SHIT ANYWAY

OOO THE ANTICHRIST IMAGERY, THE HORROR IMAGERY, THAT’s SO COOL

AND THE STAND IN FRONT OF STAINED CLASS AND DEAN IN FRONT OF LIGHTS WITH LIKE THE “OH SHIT AM I GONNA HAVE TO KILL MY BROTHER”

November 2nd is the day AZAZEL killed Jess and Mary, making the day before, day after, day of, two days before thing Neat

“you were told” THAT’S NOT COMPELLING H E A V E N

~wing flap~

“ask Dean what he remembers of hell” oof

CASCASCAS CAS AND DEAN CAS AND DEAN CAS AND DEAN

ordered to follow Sam and Dean?? what?

the ripped jeans by the way, good

“I don’t know what’s gonna happen tomorrow” he never knows, that’s why-

THE KIDS! THE K I D S

the angel that loves humanity ~too much, the way God told them to

Aziraphale and Cas should hang

“I’m not a hammer” “daddy’s blunt little instrument” DAOFIHADSPIASFSIP

RIGHT AND WRONG RIGHT AND WRONG RIGHT AND WRONG

DID THEY PASS? WE DON’T KNOW AHAHHH

MEANINGFUL STARES

and then just the Disappear is so good

ok uh first

1. Sam praying. I don’t really know why this one got me, but the fact that Sam believes in a higher power, or tried to believe with his entire soul, and Dean desperately tries to get his brother to believe in something(unbroken? tries to make sure he’s ok because Dean never will be? Something like that?) feels important? Or maybe it’s that for Dean, Dad’s Orders and Consequence hit as the Ultimate Punishment, whereas Sam got to relax about it a bit

Look am I directly finding parallels to my own experience now? yes of course, it’s my unparalleled media experience and I can project if I want to. I’m WAY more scared of my parents/dad and what they do than I am of any higher power(crying while driving home as Vibe Music that I generally enjoy vs the Season 3 finale scene wheeee), whereas my sister actually tried to give religion a fair shot and used to pray. It’s not a direct parallel, but it’s been a bad day, I wanna put that in there somewhere

(also if it genuinely wasn’t my fault and I just assumed that I would never be able to explain my way out of anything so I shouldn’t try, leading me wishing to never be perceived so I don’t get punished for things that weren’t my fault. If true then Pain)

*insert Paws Meme*

2. Smart Sam. I liked Sam being smart, doing shit for the case in interesting ways, and I really like his powers plot line! Like you’re right dude! Heaven has no compelling reasoning other than “because I told you so” and it’s way more practical to just do it! His mom and girlfriend are already dead there’s nothing else to be done now! Like! Sam’s Antichrist arc is actually interesting! And I like him getting to be a character! The mask Idea was SO NEAT!!

3. bad apples+mission from God. I. Ok. Listen. This is just that one loaded conversation with “bad apple”(I’d like to point out that at some point it shows Cas as the Only Good One, right? dismantle the institution type thing, right? Is that what they were going for?) and also that “people who believe they have a mission from God do bad thing” LIKE SO CLOSE ! To SO MANY! lOADED THINGS! A G H

Look I’m too tired to type out all my thoughts to this, but I think you get the point that this is shit I wish they’d explored more

4. I entirely forgot that whole thing where they tried to show Dean objectifying teen girls and accidentally made Dean sound like he wanted to be a girl. Like even if that’s simply sexuality, or both gender and sexuality...like that’s. how did you do this. How did you accidentally make him like this.

5. Cas/Cas+Dean. Ok first off, having him desperately try to save humanity(reminds me of aziraphale) is so interesting! like It feels like Dean(who's working on not taking orders blindly anymore following that demon deal) doesn’t like seeing Castiel and Heaven because it reminds him of that part of himself he’s worthing through! and that one scene where Cas said “I’m not a hammer”(Directly parallel to “Daddy’s blunt little instrument”) is like. Dean started that journey in Cas. Getting him to question things.

that whole thing about “I know this was a test, but we don’t know if you failed it or not” because I don’t know what God would want because God’s the ever present father figure for Cas, and Dean’s lack of faith in God, and Cas’s lack of faith in God and

ok they have an INCREDIBLY compelling story currently, and I am kinda excited to see where they go with it.

yknow before the queer bait REALLY sets in

6. I was ready to write this episode off with the horror but the iconography at the end with the seal/witch/Sam and Dean scene was rEAlly fucking cool and I loved it.

7. the beginning of the stares

#pawswatchesspn #Very Big Brain in this episode #but still incredibly compelling #to me #again circumstance circumstance #yada yada yada #I just like the Cas episode building the dynamic leave me alone #4x7 It's The Great Pumpkin Sam Winchester

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mousepatrol · 7 years

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8.8.17

so the reason im not posting this on the correct day is because our power is out right now. I completely forgot, but our powers supposed to be out from 8pm to 3pm which is completely stupid because the sun goes down right at 8 so that’s when I would need to start using it. I mean, they could have done it at around midnight when all reasonable people are asleep, or at least ten, when people are usually done eating and theyre just hanging out. You know? Also Im using word for this so that’s why things are being autocorrected

so, my day. Trash galore, folks.

I turned off my alarm last night because I didn’t think it was doing me any good and I was getting worried that I was just making myself sleep deprived for when school starts, so I went to bed around 3 or maybe even 4 (cant even fucking remember why at this point, I didn’t have shit to do) and then I woke up at 1145. Could have been worse but also could have been a lot better. So I wasn’t that tired bc I hadn’t been woken up 120000 times and I managed to actually be awake for a while. I fucked around on the computer for an hour and then made some pasta because apparently I cant eat anything else anymore. My appetite is shit

I ate like… only half of my food before I had to get ready to leave bc my mom was having a showing of the house and that means I have to leave. So I decided I was just going to go to the gym oh but I forgot something happened while I was going downstairs to cook

I made a short textpost about this already but I ran into my mom (who was in my brothers bathroom and I therefore thought she wasn’t home) and she told me that my dad had cancelled the flight he had for when I go back to school. So basically he was going to come out with me and help me move in even though I told him I wouldn’t really need that much help this time, since I already have all of my stuff and my new place is furnished. But when I had just gotten home, he insisted, and so he booked a flight with me. Also my parents told me that my car should be low on gas when I put it in storage so it was and it turns out that’s completely wrong so he was going to help me with my car also. It needs to go to the shop too just for like oil and stuff

Um so yeah apparently hes the biggest baby ever and my mom still wanted me to apologize to him and I think I did a good job of telling her that no, I should not apologize for my tiny bad thing (telling my dad several times to be quiet in increasingly sarcastic ways, bc I was watching jeopardy and he would not stop talking and I cant hear it when hes talking bc bad ears) when he wont even apologize for calling me a piece of shit and running away upstairs and banging things around and making me scared. That’s not acceptable and even though I recognize that I could have handled it better, I think that my response of annoyance (after days upon days of him doing this same thing while I try to tell him to not) was reasonable and honestly the things I said caused no harm. I wasn’t making fun of him. I was ONLY making jokes that had to do with the clues and turning them into ways of telling him to be quiet because I cant hear. I did tell him more nicely to be quiet in the beginning though. I really did. But he just wont stop with this shit and I don’t have infinite patience, even though it’s a lot better than I used to be

Um so yeah. Ok I wrote that for the last paragraph, interesting. But I mean im not mad about him not going, its not like I wanted him there anyway and I knew it would make me very uncomfortable and he would have to get a hotel bc theres nowhere for him to sleep, but its still a bit jarring and frankly just awful that he did that instead of either telling me okay and being quiet or I don’t know, saying im gonna leave the room while you watch it then bc I cant be quiet. Either of those would have been fine but instead of thinking internally about the things he was doing, he projected stuff onto me and just called me a piece of shit. I don’t really know how you can do that as a parent. I cant help but critique him, but at least im not just insulting him. You know? Is that reasonable? Ugh. But anyway, turns out theres a 711 right next to the storage place so if my car is out of gas I can either use the tiny bit that’s left to get it over to 711 or just like get gas from there and bring it to my car. Either way it is possible. I also just need someone to pick me up from the airport but my mom said she would figure that out. So, really, im fine. It’s the circumstance that is just very upsetting, you know. Its just not something that needed to happen and now im mad/scared of him for the rest of the time im here and im just over it as hell

Ok… so I ate lunch and then got ready for the gym bc that’s where I was going. So I went and then I actually went to target first bc I was out of soap, so I got better smelling soap than the one I had last and some more conditioner bc I was also out and I got a pair of comfy shorts that are a little too small for my ass but ill make due because I need more than one pair of shorts. And those other shorts really don’t fit me, I cannot wear them out lol. Then I went to the gym bc it was arm day and that went pretty well and I did it pretty quick so it was tiring for sure. And I came back and had a nice shower and sang against me! Songs really loud because I got tickets to see them in October that Im really psyched about and I just want to listen to them more. Oh man I love laura jane grace she is just so wonderful omg I am so glad to have her in the community its wonderful

So after all of that I went downstairs to get the rest of my pasta that I had put in the fridge, and it was like 6pm and I realized I probably didn’t want to be downstairs tonight so I also got some crackers and cheese and fruits snacks and extra water because I wasn’t sure if I was going to get to eat again (I probably only ate 500 calories today im upset L). So then I went upstairs to eat and I watched the great british bake off which is really nice and I quite like it a lot. Its calming and fun. After that I did a reply because dex replied to two of my threads today so I got one out for him since I want to get that thread going, aaaand about thirty minutes after that the power went off at eight. I had seriously forgotten about that so I don’t know, I kind of just accepted my fate

Im not really sure what exactly happened there, because I felt like I was fine before (was legit browsing dildos online lmfao like I was just bored yknow) but when the power was out I got kind of upset and just… took my plush cow and sat on my bed as the sun went down and just. Stared. Catherine, bless her fucking heart, texted me after like 30 minutes out of the blue so I luckily I had her to talk to for at least a little while. I was feeling shitty before yeah now that I think about it, after my shower I was upset and felt like I was gonna cry but I didn’t and I just sent james some snaps and he said he was gonna text me but he didn’t and that’s ok I think he went to bed because he didn’t open my other snaps. Its ok. He doesn’t need to contact me every minute for me to know that he cares. I love him so much and I sent him a quick text just to tell him that because I always do that when I feel bad just because eventually he replies and it always makes me feel good.

Ok so I cried like two times between eight and nine thirty when I was just sitting there, laying on my bed and texting Catherine about when school starts. I just felt really down because I remember having to turn the lights off around ten and it doesn’t really get a lot darker than it does in the summer at eight (I mean ten during schooltime when I was younger) and I just remember not having any light and no one to talk to or text and I couldn’t read and my parents would lock my computer out at ten so I couldn’t talk to anyone and I just remember being very very lonely and feeling like no one cared about me and not being able to talk to the people that I felt like truly did care about me. So I remember doing a lot of crying in bed in the evenings when I was like 12-16 and its just really sad, you know? i would cry myself to sleep a lot and all I could do was lay there and listen to music because ive always been really bad at sleeping so it would never come at ten even if I really wanted to sleep then. It just didn’t happen. So sitting there in my bed tonight just made me feel like this little kid trapped in this room and I cant go downstairs because im scared of people being bad to me and I cant go out and in my room I have to sit in the dark and its just all very bad. I forgot about all of that. Im an adult now and I can have the lights on when I want but I guess its upsetting for me to not be in control of that

Come to think of it, its also very upsetting when people tell me to go to bed. I talked to this one girl in my rp a lot (she doesn’t talk to me that much now, she talks to another person, I don’t know why and I do feel lonelier now but I guess she wasn’t that nice to talk to anyway so im alright) and if I was up when she woke up (8hhr time difference) she would spam me messages telling me to go to bed and I already knew my schedule but she wouldn’t shut up. I don’t know, that’s just something

Also I hate hearing people say my name. it makes me flinch every time and I think someones going to scream at me. I think that’s half the reason I wanted to change my name when I was going through gender stuff. I just didn’t want to hear that name anymore. Which is sad. Because I do love it, and maybe its not so bad when im not in this house bc its just my parents voices saying my name that really bothers me

So after 930 I went downstairs and got a candle and brought it up and I did a bit of drawing but it got annoying after about half an hour. At some point my dad came to my door and said something that I didn’t understand, so I didn’t say anything and he went away. Then I read catcher in the rye for about an hour (only got through like 35 pages) and now im writing this entry on whats left of my computer battery. Im charging my phone off of this just so it has power, since it was dying, and it looks like I have at least part of an episode of skam saved onto here so I guess im just going to watch that until I fall asleep because I always fall asleep to youtube videos. Im going to have to download some movie or something onto here so that I have that to fall asleep to in case if something like this happens again. Ok I know this was long but theres a lot of good stuff in there so hopefully this will help in therapy or something later. Things are really rough mentally right now and I just want to go home, you know. Ive wanted to go home for absolutely years, though. Idk where home is. bye

#strong blogs #8.8.17

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tumblunni · 6 years

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Also yeah while im on the subject

I really hate fantasy settings where magic is limited by biological sex. Because usually its used to enforce some sort of stupid gender stereotype that the writer believes is "biologically innate" rather than predjudice, by making up a world where it actually is biologically innate. Or its like "oh but women cant do those jobs" but again, a made up excuse for it to be LITERALLY TRUE. And usually they either dont even touch on the subject of trans and gay people (since it often conflates heterosexuality with gender...) or else it actually does bring it up and just creates a cavalcade of even more everything-ism...

Like i mean i love the game Jade Coccoon and considering it came out in the early 2000s i can understand it being more sexist, and its supossed to be a dark game anyway and a lot of the societal structures in Syrus Village are meant to be wrong and evil even if the characters act like its the way the world should be. The villain of the game is basically the toxic atmosphere of your shitty town and their paranoia of things they don't understand. Tho that means the player kinda has no motivation to finish it cos the main conflict is also saving those same villagers from dying and theyre all fucks. Anyway i'm going offtopic! What i mena is that i dont think it was a particularly sexist example of the inexplicable gender segregated magic trope. But just cos its a fave game of mine im gonna pick it to talk about anyway. Hope i dont sound too negative on it, cos seriously i love it loads!

Ok so to use Jade Cocoon as an example, here its a thing that only men can be cocoon masters and only women can be nagi. Tho it also gets a bit complicated because nagi is also an ethnicity as well? Its kinda like being romani, they're a race of displaced people who travel the world giving their magical services to other countries while searching for their lost homeland, which you end up finding at the end of the game. So yeah its extra weird cos male children of the nagi race are born with no powers whatsoever and cant even become cocoon masters, yet they get the ruling position in this homeland place? Like thats a better metaphor for how christian societies work, honestly!

Anyway im going offtopic again!

Basically, cocoon master = adventurer dude who catches monsters, nagi = magician who purifies those monsters so you can use them in battle. So when you catch stuff it becomes an inventory item rather than being able to use it on your team right away. And also nagi women can fuse monsters together to make super badass new ones and basically the gameplay system works really well to make you believe your wife is absolutely necessary to your quest and you would die without her, even if she cant fight. And honestly its actually kinda romantic! I just wish it wasnt presented as this weird sacred heterosexuality arranged marriage nonsense where all women are physically unable to go to a dungeon and all men are physically unable to not fight every day. Or at least thats how the powers work and if you try and step out of that role you fuckin die. Like it would be romantic to have a couple of a battle partner and a supporter magician if they actually chose it, yknow?

And whats annoying is that they actually do bring up the subject of people defying gender roles and canonically state that you not omly die but bring a curse upon everyone and are hated forever. They dont mention trans or gay people, instead the excuse is that a man loved his wife so much that he tried to learn nagi magic to lift the burden from her. Cos oh yeaj women get 'punished' by god for doing this magic?? Cursed tattoos all over their body the more they use it, and everyone hates them and eventually they turn into a fairy and forget they were ever human. And in the japanese version you can actually fight other nagi women who met this fate, theyre just another monster that you can fight and capture. They were censored in english cos they looked like really racist stereotypes of black women! Ugh! So yeah anyway nice straight husband is punished by the magic straightness enforcing rules of the universe for loving his straight wife too much. So what is the even point? If a man tries to use nagi magic it creates the "black cocoon" of cursed doomness and blah. Literal punishment for not conforming to gender. Damned if you do, damned if you don't!

Anyway this setting always made me wonder about all the stuff it just glosses over with this implication that every one of these relationships worked out fine. Like even before we rub lgbtq topics all over a retro videogame, there's a lot of logical holes! Like seriously how many of these arranged marriages ended up loveless or abusive? How many women just didnt want to stay confined to one room forever and not even have anyone look at them because their magic markings are shameful yet its also shameful not to want to do it?? How many men were terrified of going out on this advebture fighting literal demigods sent by heaven to punish humans? How many of them just had no ability to fight and died immediately because of shitty traditions, while perfectly qualified women had to sit there and watch it happen? What if there werent enough straight men and women of the same age and people were forced into gross pedophilic shit or other horror scenarios just cos there has to be this one magical straight couple or the village dies? Whenever theres this stupid gender magic its ALWAYS portrayed as idyllic and never failing ever, unless *gasp* people dont follow the gendrules...

And then SERIOUSLY do no queer people exist in this universe?? Man i'd be so interested in their stories! I actually had an oc idea of a self insert version of me as a travelling merchant. Because maybe what if nonbinary people could do both sides of the magic at once and thus adventure alone without being tied to a village's straight marriage system? So i'd just go around purifying monsters and then be a place you could buy new and rare mons from other villages without having to catch them. Maybe an easier way to get the super rare drop fusion materials for tiger pattern and stuff? And like seriously itd be good to have a character to talk to who agrees that your village is made of assholes. I cant say its bad writing cos it was clearly intentional, but they shoulda at least put a bit more incentive to keep playing even if you didnt care about these people. Also it would help plug the plothole of how a village even survives if it doesnt have the required people to form this magical straight marriage. Have some mysterious enby avengers who travel all across the world and save everyone regardless of country! All we ask is you buy some of our lovely souveniers! Maybe a pet patalchu for your family? Seripusly why dont they ever show anyone using the purified monsters for anything other than fighting the unpurified ones? You'd think they'd be really useful in repairing the village and guarding the walls and like..regular industrial jobs. Help the place actually advance and not have to live day to day on scraps,bickering amoungst themselves as the monsters grow ever closer to breaking through. Hell, you could even have them help spin the cocoons for other monsters! If this magic only depends on having a dick or not, then cant we just dress up some animals in the magic straight marriage outfits? XD

And like aaaa man im getting so emotional just imagining a trans woman who's constabtly told she will literally bring about the apocolypse if she tries to fill the female role in this ritual. And then one day she tries to spin the magic silk and she thinks she's committing the ultimate sin and they were all right. But the magic responds to her touch, and she makes a spell more beautiful than any other woman in the village! It would probably be harder for a trans man cos the magic doesnt have so much of an immediate proof like that. Just going out and winning a fight with a monster can be called "dumb luck", and knowing these assholes they'd probably keep calling it dumb luck even after the thousandth time you save their life!

And man, i wonder how gay relationships would work in such an annoyingly strict system of enforced heterosexuality? Would it be like the magic isnt REALLY gender locked at all, and it can just be any couple with either partner taking either role? Or would it be that it is one magic per gender but the bigoted villagers were wrong about it being impossible to do things without both? Like maybe when you're going into battle alone as a single cocoon master you cant fight without catching other monsters. But when two cocoon masters love each other their magic is amplified and they become able to like.. I dunno.. Imbue each other with elemental strength so they can fight the monsters hand to hand? Cos really the elemental system is the only reason you cant do a no monsters run of the game as it is. Maybe since they cant purify monsters but they can still catch them, they equip the monsters as sort of a power rangers transformation? Or socket them like materia on their weapons? Or just if the world was less segregated into tiny sexist racist villages they could simply buy the purification coccoons from another local nagi, and villages without a coccoon master could buy the services of travelling ones. Oh, and maybe two nagi lesbians could be even more badass! Cos if they can only purify and not fight, maybe their double purification is so strong that they can just straight up walk into the forest and monsters don't attack them. They dont even need to do the full spell, they can calm a beastie's rage just by holding out their hand and patting it on the head. So they coukd be infinately more effective and not have to just tenporarily clear single travelling routes of a few monsters, but actually work towards slowly purifying the entire forest and creating a peaceful land again. Tho i mean the game did have a unique atmosphere with the whole 'no hope of ever beating them' aspect. It was unique to see a society formed around the idea of never going into forests or you Die. But magical lesbians and their family of a million pet dragons is honestly better!

And uhhhh ive gone all offtopic now and i camt stop thinking about how much i love magical lesbians with a million pet dragons

The End

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tumblunni · 6 years

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ALSO TO FIX EXCELLUS

Because tangeants again lol

Recognise that its fuckin stupid and bigoted to expect us to believe someone is a villain INSTANTLY after seeing that they're queer, before they even do anything. Don't spend your entire damn game having the characters go "eww its that disgusting person of ambiguous gender we should kill them because gross" rather than.. Yknow.. "Excellus fuckin murdered those people". Recognise that literally doing this is gonna make your character LESS villainous and MORE sympathetic long before you finally get to goddamn showing them do anything bad except say "ohoho i wanna be a princess". And it'll make bunni REALLY PISSED OFF because nobody wants to feel sad for an asshole murderer yet THAT SADNESS IS FOREVER ENGRAINED IN MY SOUL NOW

Seriously fuckin hell it even made the heroes look less heroic! I felt like Excellus was almost justified in becoming a murdering selfish monster if she spent her entire life being treated that way by both sides in this big good or evil conflict. Why the fuck should she give a shit if she's being degraded? Like FUCKIN OBVIOUSLY murdering people and wanting to conquer a random japanese country as a mad dictator is not a remotely logical reaction to being misgendered. But like they could have changed some stuff and made a perfectly good sympathetic villain who gets manipulated by the bigger bad because of her sad past of being treated like shit and like she feels like this is her only option to be herself. And then maybe you can reignite her hope in the world and her self esteem and moral centre and help her redeem herself and team up with you to take out the real horrible fucks with no sympathetic motives. Instead she's friggin played as THE one who's evil cos she has no sympathetic motive. Like that's her whole Thing, she's supposed to just be selfish and greedy and horrid. Your damn bigotry somehow failed your own story as well as failing all trans people ever!

Or like yknow.. If you want an asshole fuckboi then actually write an asshole fuckboi. Scrubby scrub the trans = bad shit from this plotline and you do indeed have a selfish monster who murders a bunch of innocent people and gets his just desserts. You had a ready made simple character archetype and you were so preoccupied shoving your transphobic screed into your game that you fucked it up!

So yeah i think either make this goofy ohoho trans auntie a good character, make the asshole ohoho bad character a cis man, do both at once, or like even i'm not opposed to having a trans villain exist but like seriously make them a synpathetic villain. If they're the only trans character in the plot its already gonna send a bad message if theyre in the role of "worst most underhanded jerk villain", even if it WASNT also transphobic as fuck. So a sympathic trans villain or adding more LGBT characters so it doesnt seem like this one individual was designed to make a statement on your entire feelings for a minority.

ALSO

like seriously please do not do this stupid thing of mooshing every stereotype together from every LGBT identity and acting like theyre all the same thing?? Like man i fuckin HATE that anime trope that yknow.. The gay man says all this trans stuff cos he's ~just that flambouyant~ Like being a drag queen is what 100% of gay men are, 24/7, and anyone saying theyre a trans woman is just one of those drag queens who's really getting into character. Or just.. I dunno. I cant even wrap my head around what train of logic must have led to that stereotype in the first place! And its so fuckin annoying as a queer person trying to talk about why this is bad queer stereotyping, it just makes me extra sad to straight up not know what pronouns to use for the character so i feel like i'm being just as horrible to them as their creators were. Like man i've only settled on going for "she" for Excellus cos after years of looking into it it does seem like the original japanese was indeed specifically using stereotypes of trans women and not trans men or nonbinary people. Though all languages do seem to call the character male it seems pretty strongly to be a "i believe that trans women are men and can never be women" kind of thing, rathe rthan the character herself calling HERSELF male. She calls herself a woman in both english and japanese, and its just that the english has everyone else use male pronouns for her and added the non-canon "explanation" that she only acts like a trans woman because she has something wrong with her balls. (Ugh!) And in japanese on top of calling herself a woman she also uses feminine (and specifically trans/drag queen coded) variants of "I", and other common speech pattern traits used for negative stereotypes of trans women. Though again we do have other characters calling her a disgusting perverted man instead. Sigh!

Ok ok ALSO BIGGEST FUCKIN FIX! dont draw the character like a horrible distorted cariacature goblin in an entirely different art style to everyone else. Seriously its so annoying how they tried to make you agree with "excellus is disgusting just for acting queer" by LITERALLY DRAWING A DISGUSTING CHARACTER. If you take away the weirdass overdetailed horror movie monster face, there is nothing ugly or even "manly looking" about her! She's just like somebody's perfectly normal chubby aunt or something. You could go out in any street all over the world and see five of her! I hate it cos its almost like psychological manipulation or something? Like i've seen so many lets players who arent bigoted but merely oblivious still agree that excellus is ugly and disgusting and comical because of it, cos all the implications of transphobia/homophobia flew over their heads and all they saw was a character drawn to look monsterous. And just.. This is so common. Its the overwhelming japanese stereotype of trans women. Draw them looking INFINATELY MORE MANLY than the cis male characters. So manly that it really hammers home how "obvious" it is that a man in lipstick or dresses "just looks wrong" and of course there's NO way they could ever pass and ha ha look how deluded they are that they think they look pretty. It's horrid. It really is. Seriously I like to point at Tabitha from Pokemon ORAS for a good counter example, cos he's also an ambiguously transgender character from a game that came out around the same time and by some weird coincidence they look very similar. Except for the literal entire face. The literal entire exact same face, just its drawn hideous and distorted on the one who's supposed to be a negative trans stereotype, and drawn exactly like everyone else on the positive one. And there's not one example in the whole game of anyone calling Tabitha ugly because he looks trans, or even insulting his weight or anything. Same damn character design, just drawn without bias and treated like a human being. I mean seriously right down to them having the small "evil eyes" but with Tabitha he's always drawn with them in a perpetual sort of happy face and then his pose with them looking similar to Excellus is supposed to be a BADASS MOMENT of this comic relief villain showing his worth! And hw literally has red eyes on top of it! His design is even MORE "evil" yet just not drawing it as a stereotype entirely changes the player's perception and he became beloved by many. Whereas with Excellus even the trans people in the audience couldnt relate to her and just felt fuckin sad.

Oh also i guess Excellus is implied to be a trans woman and Tabitha is implied to be a trans man? But i don't think game freak was trying to say anything about trans men being more valid or whatever, cos the first canonical LGBT character of any sort was a trans woman npc in the battle maison. And tabitha being trans isnt really confirmed as clearly as she was. i hope someday theyre able to confirm an LGBT main cast member but until then i will forever hold onto the glimmer of hope that was given to me by Beauty Nova.

Also seriously Tabitha and Excellus both also look EXACTLY LIKE ME IN REAL LIFE so I kinda took Excellus extra hard and latched onto the Tabitha headcanon so much more because it was good healing after all that nonsense. Tho I also did considee nonbinary Tabitha at the time, because his japanese name is a gender neutral one that's merely like 75% female, rather than a 100% feminine one. But then his old RSE design was very masculine so i think maybe a trans man is what they were trying to imply if they did indeed do it on purpose. Anyway i probably would have translated his name as Ashley cos it has the same "technically neutral but more popular with girls" aesthetic while also keeping the same fire pun as Homura. I have no idea how on earth Tabitha is supposed to be a joke, honestly. Tho i meam maybe he's just the one type specialist on the entire poke-earth who doesnt have a joke name?

ANYWAY thank you terrible transphobic stupid manga i read today for reminding me that i love Tabitha. And also the developers love Tabitha. And also all the characters in universe love him, like seriously the only difference between the devon dialogue of him and Shelly is that they mention the other scientists nicknamed him tabitabi. And its so cute how seriously they said it too?? Its like "our boss tabitabi,the most feared and respected genius man".

Lovv dat tabb

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