#i truly think that even after his parents die and feng xin is gone and hes mumbling to their air about his loss

[unforth]

Whenever I see people talking about TGCF Book 4 they always talk about Mu Qing leaving, Feng Xin being driven away, the temple scene, the creation of Ruoye, etc.

But to me, the hardest part to read, the true lowest point, is the robbery. It just took me a week to force myself to read that chapter. The second hand embarrassment is so strong, but more than that: the attempted robbery is, in my opinion, the only depth that Xie Lian reaches entirely on his own. Bai Wuxiang doesn't (directly) drive him there. No. He reaches the conclusion that it's the only way himself, implements it himself, lies to Feng Xin and his parents about it himself. After that, he catches his first post-fall glimpse of Bai Wuxiang (presumably because Jun Wu heard about what the heavenly officials saw), and he slips into an extended panic attack brought about by all the factors that drove him to that low point, but everything that happens afterwards has outside influence.

But staking out a mountain pass and deciding to rob a passerby?

Xie Lian does that all on his own.

And God he breaks my fucking heart doing it.

#unforth rambles #tgcf #ive only read this part once before and i put the book down mid graveyard scene to write this #when i realized that i actually felt relieved to know that id gotten past the robbery #all the rest feels easier to read by comparison #but that scene makes me feel like someone has a hand around my throat #because theres no choice theres no escape Xie Lian isnt trapped at all theres no bai wuxiang there but it doesnt matter #because his palpable sense that hes out of options is so smothering #i truly think that even after his parents die and feng xin is gone and hes mumbling to their air about his loss #hes still never as low as the robbery #the temple and its aftermath are things that are done to him and the bad choices he makes as a result #but the robbery attempt and the accompanying shame #are all him