#i went back to my room n i couldn’t qualm the sobbing abandoned child within i couldn’t give her her mom back

[bo0zey]

me, afraid to develop a benzo addiction so doesn’t take any of my prescribed clonazepam for >1yr : eek!!😨😰no thx!!😓😓

me, 1 year of worsening escapist behavior + 6.5mg klonopin later: now THIS is the shit im talkin bout😎😎🤤🤤

#IM NOT CONDONING DRUG ABUSE PLSSS TAKE UR PRESCRIPTIONS AS PRESCRIBED!! #benzodiazepines are only rlly addictive if the person starts abusing them. not if ur taking them as prescribed #also i can’t just keep doing this on the regular degular ok this was a blip in the simulation #i just had an awful spiraling start to my day at 6am and just wanted to sleep away the pain of realizing i’ll never have my mom again #everything i wanted someone to feel abt me everything i wanted them to say that they love me that they’re proud that they’re going to miss #i was so desperate to be comforted i even left my room and went up to my dad before he left for work and he didn’t even notice the tears #then the waterworks started and my dad finally hugged me against his chest #i felt so small like a child 22 year old me jsut wanted to be comforted by her dad like #like a child all over again #but ik i had to get it together i couldn’t be a child forever so i let go #i went back to my room n i couldn’t qualm the sobbing abandoned child within i couldn’t give her her mom back #all i could do to make this anxiety this pain this desire to see her again right now now now. #all i could do was take my anxiolytic and hope it put me to sleep. just for a little while #i only wanted to sleep for just a little while until the storm passed and i woke up n forgot what it feels like to miss my momma #she wrote her last letter to me and i spiraled at her words #‘i’m really going to miss YOU’ as i tell myself over and over i don’t rlly miss her i’m numb to her absence #‘ our coffee dates. car rides. shopping’ i don’t remember any of those things not clearly at least #’sitting in the couch together holding your hand while running my fingers through all that hair of yours’ #that’s all i want . someone to run their fingers through my hair. but she’s not here anymore no one wants to love me like she did #‘you know your self worth like i taught you when you were just an itty bitty little baby’ #how would she feel now if she knew my self worth was 0 it’s nothing i’m worthless i’m alive to be used n abused i’m not worth anythin #not worth anything good #i always thought she was my best friend. in her letter she said i was her best friend .i always thought my feelings were one sided. but no #she said she’d look at me and it was like looking into a mirror #now when i look into a mirror i don’t recognize the reflection they’re a stranger to me #was she my mirror too??? and now that she’s gone i don’t know who i am anymore???? #if she’s gone i might as well be gone too #these awful thoughts needed to stop i needed to sleep so i took 12x the amt im supposed to #it’s not gonna happen again. but i won’t lie it was nice while it lasted #ramblings