#idk as someone who doesn’t believe in such a thing as predetermined fate I wanted to pick a character that aims to rise above it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #342

“in this farewell, there’s no blood, there’s no alibi / ‘cuz i’ve drawn regret from the truth of a thousand lies”

What’s your all-time favourite cartoon? Does anime count? In which case I'd say Fullmetal Alchemist, or the original Pokemon. If we're not including anime, then uhhhh Avatar: The Last Airbender, even though I have much more to go in the series. Have you ever taken dance lessons? What kind? Yeah, I've done a few for many years: jazz, clogging, modern, and hip hop. When did you last run and why? I literally couldn't tell you. I don't even know if I can run with the current state of my legs. My knees would probably crumple. Does your house/flat/whatever the hell you live in need cleaning? Not necessarily cleaning, but sorting. I still have boxes outside and inside my room of my stuff I need to put up somewhere... but whenever I prepare to do it, I just get so overwhelmed and shy away from it. Then there's the spare room, that's a total mess loaded with boxes and the like. Mom and I have just avoided it like the plague. Was your last relationship with a man or a woman? Woman. What do you think your next achievement will be? HOPEFULLY getting a job... Do you like mushrooms? NOOOOOOO. What dream do you remember most vividly? I'm not talking about it. Favorite kind of bread? Pumpernickel. Rabbits or hamsters? Rabbits. I've never met a nice hamster, and I just think rabbits are cuter. A movie you’ve never seen that it seems like every one else has? Harry Potter films. Favorite dog breed? I'm biased towards beagles. When was the last time you climbed a tree? Never, actually. Where I live, there aren't really many weighty trees with low branches. Just pine trees. Most common lie you tell? That I'm "fine" when I'm not. Ever seen your parents make out? Jc no, I'll take a hard pass there. Do you put your hair up a lot or down? It's too short to put up. Most of the time do you straighten or curl your hair? Neither. What piercing do you hate? I'm not a fan of cheek dermals at all, but you do you 100%. Were you raised in a religious house? Yes; I was raised Roman Catholic. Do your parents get mad when you're on the computer for hours? Mom used to for many years until I became an adult and she just realized it was in vain. I haven't lived with Dad since I was a teenager, but when my parents were together, he usually didn't say anything. Have you ever been asked for a nude picture? No, thankfully. I'd stop talking to the person immediately. What would you do if your parent hit you? I honestly feel like I'd slap them back and get the fuck out. Or just freeze in shock and cry. What's your most common mood? Stressed but distracted. Do you like poems? Yeah, usually. Ever kissed someone half-naked? Uh yeah. Have you ever been in a parade? No. Do you still play Pokémon? I play Pokemon GO, and I've actually been tempted to get out my DS and play one of the games I have (I can't remember which). I do find Pokemon games to be VERY grind-ey, though, so I can't play them for too long without getting bored. What is your favorite Pokémon? Ninetales. I also really love Espeon, though, and Charmander will always have my heart. Is there an animal you like that most people don't? Bats! :') Is there an animal that you think is overrated in terms of how it's liked? No animal is overrated. Have you ever "quit" a site and came back to it more than once? Uhhhh I don't think so. Do you have an "odd" fascination with anything? Most would probably consider "vulture culture" to be pretty weird, being drawn to dead animals and all... What's the hardest thing you've been through, & what did you learn from it? The breakup with Jason. I learned that some people make promises they aren't afraid to break, that someone can promise "forever" and not mean it, that the most unexpected can just snap their fingers and forget about you... I learned a lot. And most things, not positive. What are three "unrealistic" things you want most? 1.) To be able to financially support myself by just freelance nature photography; 2.) sooo many different kinds of pets; and 3.) to be totally rid of my mental illnesses. Do you take any daily vitamins? No, but I would if I was the one who bought groceries and stuff. I do however take Vitamin D once a week for my legs. Who are three of your favorite fictional characters of all time? JUST THREE??????? FUCK MAN idk. Uhhh well there's of course Darkiplier and Wilford Warfstache, then uhhh probably Pyramid Head. If you had to give the world a pre-existing mythological/fictional being, what would it be? Idk, I'd really need to be more educated on their lore before I made that decision. Do you have any desire to learn (a) foreign language(s)? Which? I both do and don't want to resume learning German. I got very good at it and could have basic conversations, but lack of application has slaughtered my vocabulary. Now it's like, it'd be nice to try again, but for what purpose? I don't think I'll ever actually apply it to my life, so it just seems like it'd be a load of wasted effort. But then on the other hand, I also feel that doing something you simply want to do isn't a waste of time. Idk. What is one of your firmest beliefs? Equality for all. No race, religion, whatthefuckever makes you more or less valuable than someone else. Do you have anything that keeps you from doing something you'd truly enjoy? Oh yes. Depression and anxiety, mostly. Do you work to fix your faults? Or at least, admit to them? I definitely try, and I'll certainly admit to them. How do you hope the world will change, if at all? I just want more compassion, less violence, more understanding... What is/are your view(s) on god, religion, spirituality, or relations to? In short, I believe that something sentient created the universe, and it/they/he/she/what-have-you just... let life play out from there, I think. I like to believe there's a plane of consciousness like an afterlife that exists, but if not, I don't really care. I hope the evil get what was coming to them, and the good get back what they gave, but maybe we're all better off without life after death. We'll all find out one day. Are you arachnophobic or scared of spiders in the least? Some, yes; others, not so much. This is very situational. Do you play WoW? What do you think of it either way? Haha, you're asking an avid player. I enjoy it, but not as much as I used to. At one point I was a Heroic raider, sometimes dabbling in Mythic, but now I'm just mostly a casual mount collector that likes chatting with my guildies and just doing dailies 'n shit. I owe a lot to the game, honestly; it helped me stay occupied throughout the breakup, and still today gives me something to do. What kind of computer do you have? Windows 7/Vista/XP/Other? I have an Acer Nitro with Windows 10. Are you taking any interesting classes in school/do you not attend? I'm no longer in school. If you don't attend, are you taking any "lessons" for anything? No, but I would like to join a photography course somewhere. A book/piece that has had an exceptional impact on your life? Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo just made me hate war more than I innately did. What genres of music are your favorite? Just metal as an umbrella term. Some heavy stuff, some less, some in the middle, some leaning towards other genres... but I just like metal. Do you think that fate plays a part in people's lives? No. Wouldn't "fate" just make it all... worthless? Like we're just storybook characters with a predetermined ending? What are your opinions on the media? One word: manipulative. What's a piece of technology you'd like to own? I REALLY want a PS4, especially lately. There's just a lot of games I REALLY want to play. Are you afraid of technology developing to where we're too reliant on it? We're already *too* reliant on it, which I do believe is a bad thing. I know, absolutely hysterical for me to be talking. What's your favorite odd ice cream flavor? I don't think I've ever had a truly odd ice cream flavor. There's this local place though that makes a kind that tastes JUST like s'mores, and I can fucking murder a cup of that. What's your opinion on stereotypes/labels? They're limiting and devalue uniqueness, imo. I know very, very few people who totally fit a certain stereotype, so why even bother. Like I don't care if you use them as adjectives to some extent, just don't put too much weight on them. Just be you. Do you believe that history repeats itself? It's not necessarily doomed to, but it happens sometimes, obviously. Would you rather learn from your mistakes or just undo them? Depends on the mistake. What was the most interesting class you had in school? Probably Mythology in high school. Do you write? If so, what? Yeah, meerkat role-play. And every now and again, poetry. Do you have a favorite culture? No; I'm not educated on nearly enough to pick one. Do you believe in global warming? Have you researched it? Lol no shit I do. I don't exactly think it takes much research to see with your own two eyes that it's factual. Do you prefer piercings or tattoos? Tattoos, if I had to pick. What comedy movie is your favorite? White Chicks. Have you ever meditated? Yes. Doesn't work for me. What comes to mind when you think of a great moment in your life? Realizing it was my choice to liberate myself and my happiness from my ex. He didn't and never should've carried it, because that's my right. What do you like about springtime? Aaaaall the flowers. <3 How have you handled having to stay in? It's not really different from my average day, so... How would your friends describe you? Quiet and overthinks literally everything. Have you ever hallucinated? When I was coming off a certain med in middle school, I saw black moving shadows. What (or who) is the best thing that ever happened to you? The partial hospitalization program I attended for two months following my suicide attempt. It's where I met my psychiatrist, who set my medication straight. Medicine besides though, I learned so many coping techniques and just how to deconstruct my trauma. As well as possible, anyway. What is the worst decision you ever made? Handing over the ability to make happiness for myself to another person. What is your favorite arcade game? Don't have one. Do you feel neglected? No. What school subject(s) are/were your best? English, Arts, Science. Are you allergic to pollen? Yep. What style of wedding dress do you like best? Probably ballgown. Are you over your first love? I probably never will be in complete totality. Do you always answer your phone? No. I only ever do if I recognize the number. Who was the last person you know to have a birthday? Today is actually my sister's birthday. What song is currently stuck in your head? I have Halocene's cover of "What I've Done" on a loop right now. It has me absolutely covered in goosebumps. Do you ever use coloring books? Not really anymore. Do you personally know anyone who is an author? Not to my knowledge, no. What’s your favorite kind of salsa/dip to go with tortilla chips? Just your normal, mildly hot salsa. Do you wash your car by hand or drive through a car wash? Mom's car hasn't been washed in... well, years, given its bumper. Mom worries that in a car wash, it'll be broken off (it is literally held on with a lot of zip ties and duct tape), and we ourselves don't want to wash it, so... Do you have any uncommon kitchen appliances, such as espresso machines, waffle irons, etc? I know we have one or two, but idk what they're called. What did your parents major/minor in in college, if they went? Dad never went to college. Mom changed her major a few times, but her latest was social work, I believe. Has either of their careers influenced what career you chose or want to pursue? Not at all. What kind of natural disaster is most common where you live? Hurricanes. Why is your least favorite season your least favorite? Because it's hot as fuck and humid. Have you ever had an animal get into your attic? No. When was the last time you started a “new chapter” of your life? I don't know. Hopefully I'll start one soon when I leave PHP and pursue a job... What room in your home do you spend the least amount of time in? I'm always in my room. Do you do anything to reduce the amount of electricity you use? I feel awful admitting I do quite the opposite... Being in the dark during the day affects my depression, so I'll have my lamp (or both) on even if it's just sort of shaded inside. Are you usually open to trying a new food that you aren’t familiar with? Eh, it depends on the food. I'm not very adventurous with foods though. Do you listen to Panic! At The Disco? I do. Have you ever had a kinky dream about a celebrity? ... It wasn't "kinky," but it was a dream lmao. Has anyone ever told you that they loved you, and you couldn’t say it back? That's how I ended the whole Joel childishness. Which friend do you confide in most? My mom. Do you wear a cross? No. What is your favorite doughnut? That's so hard. :( Krispy Kreme's normal glazed though probably takes the cake. I also love chocolate frosted and just totally plain, though. Do you have a hot tub? If so, where is it located? No. Did you read the Twilight series, or jump on the bandwagon after the movie? Neither. Do you or your parents rake your yard? Dad did growing up. Now nobody does or needs to. Who did you last go to the movies with? Dad, I think? What color was the last vehicle you were in? White. Do you have any family members in the military right now? No. Is there a ceiling fan in the room you’re in? Yeah. Have you ever heard voices? No. If you’re not straight, who was the first person you came out to? Sara. Do you remember the first time your first crush ever said hi to you? No. Do you ever go places with wet hair? Yeah, idc. Who is your favorite little girl? My nieces. What do you want the most in life? To feel like I made a difference, even a tiny one. If you could have anyone’s singing voice, whose would you choose? OBVIOUSLY Amy Lee's. What’s the most expensive thing you’ve bought that turned out to be a waste of money? *shrug* What’s something you’ve bought that turned out to be way more useful than you anticipated? Hm. Have you ever been on a ship? No. Would you ever date a disabled person? (Be honest) Yes. Would you rather adopt or have your own child? IF I wanted kids, which I absolutely do not, I'd rather have my own. I know I'd feel a deeper connection. What would you class as cheating on someone? As soon as you do/say something you don't want your s/o to know about, you're cheating. As far as earrings go, would you rather wear hoops or studs? Studs. Do you recycle? Yes. If someone dislikes you, what is most likely to be the reason? People have thought I don't try hard enough before. Do you put a line through your "7"s? Yes. ^ What about your "Z"s? Yes. What are you most known for? My art "skill," at least irl. How do you feel about shameless self-promoting? Depends on when, where, and how. As someone who's trying to be a freelance photographer, I get that it's sadly necessary, but there are some places it's just uncalled for.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''what i've done'' by linkin park

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transmanconfessions · 4 years

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### cw: Terf ideas, internalized transphobia, brief one line s*x mention ###

I’m literally so sorry I didn’t mean to make this confession so obscenely long.. I just haven’t talked about any of this to anybody but myself in a long long time

I’ve always been unsure in terms of whether or not I’m actually trans but as someone who’s only personality trait is “being kind of smart” I just always feel obligated to listen to terfs and hear what they’re saying because I can’t help but analyze my own opinions, etc. and part of that is hearing others perspectives… and the more I hear them (terfs) say “gay trans men are just straight women who fetishize gay men” and “trans stuff just enforces the binary” and “trans men just have internalized misogyny” the more I just feel like a giant fool. I don’t want to believe them but

I can see truth in what they’re saying (like when they say “there’s literally a pink and a blue stripe on the flag for girl and boy, that’s not revolutionary it’s just enforcing the binary even more” or “a world without labels and all these rigid lines and expectations would be way more progressive, trans / gender ideology is just adding to the problem because it doesn’t let people just live as whatever they want” ) and like I’m not at all judging other trans people, I think they’re fine I’m just starting more and more and more to feel like a fool for thinking that I’m trans or that it’s okay for me to consider myself a gay man or that I could ever be that… I feel like it’s insulting to “actual” gay men for me to think about being one or imagine things or even so much as think about or associate myself with gay history because I’ll never understand what they go through and to say that I do just seems foolish and insulting to their experiences now…

I wish I could just be whatever and not care like what everyone else is doing but I’m just not made that way. I have to think about and analyze everything and I just feel like it’s just completely insulting to the history and to the reality of what it’s like for “real” gay men for me to even consider that I might be one. The line between “you’re just trans and have a s*x drive” and “you’re fetishizing gay men” is something I find really difficult to differentiate. Idk. It’s all just been really tearing me up lately. The problem is I can’t just push it down and act like the possibility of that being true isn’t there or isn’t possible because it very much is.. I’m just not wired to ignore possible facts/variables and it feels like it’s becoming more and more clear to me just how possible it is that it’s true if that makes sense.

Before I barely even thought about it as one but now I feel like it might as well just be true. I’ve avoided coming out for so long and I’m so complacent in this life that by now I don’t see the point.. sure I don’t like this body and I don’t want to live as a woman but the more I hear about dysphoric cis people the more afraid I get that that’s what’s happening to me. I really really really don’t want to be a woman / female for the rest of my life but I’m afraid I’d be faking if I don’t just keep trekking through anyway. I’ve been thinking that I was trans but avoiding coming out because I was scared for 5 years now and I don’t know if I’m just getting complacent but my dysphoria has lessened so much that it scares me. It used to be on and off every few days or every few weeks but now it’s rare that I actually think about it.. when I take the time to I can see that it’s still there .. but it doesn’t keep me up at night and make me want to pull out my hair like it used to and it’s making me afraid that they’re right. What if I’m just making all of this up and I’m not what I thought I was? I really really don’t want to be a goddamn woman the rest of my life- I don’t want this body the rest of my life either but I’m afraid that I’ll never be able to escape it… that I’m deluding myself by thinking that I could ever be a man (let alone a gay one) and that all roads will lead back to this horrible fate that has been predetermined for me….

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tamrieltrinity · 7 years

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((Dragons for the Meta Question, if you're still answering those.))

((AHA YOU’RE GONNA REGRET THAT. MAYBE. IDK. Dragons are intrinsically linked to time, time travel and quantum physics. These fuckers be scientists and not just angry lizard dogs. I mean, it is a little obvious when you consider Akatosh is a dragon god and he is the god of time but there’s more to it as well. I believe that dragons are strict adherents to Newtonian physics whereas mortals/daedra utilise and exemplify alternative causality models such as chaos theory, quantum physics and - most importantly - multiverse theory. It boils down to the difference between pre-destination and free will.We all know that two of the main instances of “time travel” in Skyrim are inherently linked to dragons and the dragon cult. You have the “defeat” of Alduin when the Ancient Tongues shouted him forward in time and you ALSO have the weird wooden dragon mask which allows you to see the ancient dragon masks in Labyrinthian. The other example was the Dreamstride. In terms of the lore, there are times where time stops being Newtonian causality and a bit more...chaotic. These have been tied to the apparent eradication of the elven Auriel bits from Akatosh by the Alessian Order, Tiber Septim when he was using Numinidium to conquer Tamriel, the dwemer’s disappearance, the Battle of Red Mountain and the Warp in the West have all been claimed to indicate this. These are defined as being “dragon breaks”, broken time essentially. All of these have more or less been committed by mortals or mortals endowed with super duper powers. These events leave ‘wounds’ in time - if we consider it as a fourth dimension. Paarthunaxx more or less advises that anything seen as temporary, dying, death is “painful” and that the wounds would also be felt by dragons. The wound part makes sense if you want to see dragons as entities from another dimension but so can dovahkiin sense it. However, this does not make much sense in context. Durnehviir is a necromancer - and would be Ianthe’s BFF if they ever met but I digress - and that is not seen as a bad thing. Dragons - such as the two in the Forgotten Vale and the one in Blackreach - were investigating new sources of power and manipulating death itself is not seen as a whoa thing. Hell, look at draugr! Death of mortals are totes fine. Death of dragons? That is also totally possible. Alduin was the need for those dragons to return and why?He was attempting to ‘fix’ time itself. Dragons - as far as we can tell - have a very clear idea of what the plan for the world is. Take over. Have dragon party. Alduin eats all the souls of dumb mortals. ??????? World ends. That is their sole purpose - to follow Alduin and to end the world. I would argue that it is not in spite or anger but that is what they are made to do. They understand that this world will die, that all mortals will die, that they would die. It is dying BEFORE their time as they see it which really fucks them up. It’s why Alduin resurrects them - according to what he understands to be the rules of engagement, all his dragon brothers and sisters would be alive when he was ending the world. He’s a villain but he’s a villain with a purpose and can only see one fixed set of possibilities, one fixed set of priorities and will move heaven and earth to move things if they are not in the correct place. So, how do mortals fit into this? When mortals mess around with time then things get messed up real bad. Probably the best example is the Warp in the West which is six or so separate timelines forcibly merged into one. The only other example of this I have seen in pop culture is in Rick and Morty episode “A Rickle in Time”. There would be multiple memories within a limited range of impact. It means that this is a tying together of six separate branches of mutliverses. In multiverse theory, every decision would create separate universes within which the consequences of that action are played out. Essentially, this in turn exemplifies chaos theory; that one indeterminate ‘cause’ can have many and unintended effects, like a butterfly causing a hurricane. Ultimately, the mortals boil down to using free will to change things. Often in TES, people would devote their very lives to causes and gods and throw away that free will, indeed if it could be argued that they even HAVE agency. Enter the player character. In Daggerfall, it is the actions of the player character who decides which branch of the mutliverse is right. It is the actions of the PC to dismantle the false Tribunal, to stop the Greymarch, to stop Mehrunes Dagon, to stop Alduin. It’s like nothing gets done or nothing changes without PC approval or the PC taking action. Essentially, free will is more or less limited to PCs and daedra. For the vast vast majority of characters in TES universe, they have very limited agency and I would argue that their ‘free will’ is nothing more than an illusion to pre-determination. The PC? They have full free will (well, as much as it would be stated that humans in our universe have free will and the evidence is a bit...mixed lmao). Dragonborns in general - of the three we have literally met - have a tendency of sticking up their fingers at casuality and being all “screw you”. In fact, most of the dragon breaks are to directly do with mortals close to Akatosh or the Imperial throne wanting to move things around or fuck shit up. It’s why I believe Alduin intentionally freed the Dragonborn. He knew that there was a PC or a Dovahkiin or whatever. He knew that in order to fulfil what he needed to do, he needed to have a Dragonborn to defeat. After all, it is NEVER made clear when he tumbled out of the space-time continuum. He could have been waiting years for a sniff of one with the dragon blood. After all, the Septim line had died out. Then out of freaking nowhere, a nameless, skillless, goofball is captured and imprisoned and turns out to be the Dovahkiin of legend. In Skyrim of all places. At that moment. Very convenient. So, we need to ask, what does that make us? The PC makes the huge decisions - aside from daedra. They are literal emperors deciding the fates of people that CANNOT DEFEAT YOU. Sure, you can die in game but...that actually doesn’t stop the PC. We reload, we are resurrected, whatever. Death probably means less to us than it does to the dragons since we think it’s a game. The PC is probably the single most dangerous motherfucker in the history of Tamriel. How is this possible?Sheogorath and the Grey March made this possible. Well, in game anyway. Jyggalag was banished - he was literally the daedric prince of Order. He so happens to appear when there is a change of an Era and do you know when dragon breaks are their most common? Oh. It’s new eras. That’s strangely related. So, Sheogorath and Jyggalag are essentially yin and yang. Order and...chaos. Newtonian physics is the embodiment of order. Cause, effect. Stimulus, response. It is also one of the only times that a daedric prince loses their free will. Jyggalag is order. Order that needs to be reinstated as temporal chaos has flung things out of order. Sheogorath only reappears after Jyggalag ‘restores order’...or when the PC turns into Sheogorath. When the PC becomes Sheogorath, they stop the Grey March. Both Sheogorath and Jyggalag exist at once. That is a bit of a paradox. It means that the timeline has been inherently fractured by the actions of the PC. The PC becomes Sheogorath and therefore has the power of a god. Considering that daedric princes are the only one seen to be able to fuck around with time WITHOUT breaking it, it could be considered that ALL PC CHARACTERS ARE SHEOGORATH INCARNATIONS. Take a blank vessel and make them look pretty or weird. Doesn’t matter what they did before now, a few arbitrary questions will determine what you are good at. Life, death, decisions of a god. Worshipping yourself? It’s Sheogorath ffs. It’s why all the NPCs come to you, they can see that you have the POWER. It’s why the NPCs worship daedra - because they get instant results. I mean, who would really allow someone to fuck them and become a creepy vampire monster? And I mean, for fuck sake, the decisions of the PC basically make the Warp in the West. What kinda scrub mortal has THAT power!?!To drive the situation back to Alduin. Now, Alduin knows about the Elder Scroll. He is probably aware that the situation goes like that. It’s predetermined. However, for him to come face to face with another god, one who might not be taking things seriously, one who is the the literal embodiment of ULTIMATE CHAOS compared to his orderly cause-effect, that is his challenge. The fight between him and the PC is a battle between determinism and free will. And it is possible that he knew he was going to lose. It should be interesting whatever comes next since time and causality has lead some interesting groundwork in a nice meddle of physics, psychology and philosophy. TL;DR Dragons are aware that you are Sheogorath and we are all literally Sheogorath. They are also sticklers to a strict temporal code and PC characters and a select group of NPCs just don’t give a fuck.

#aurielswaywardson #ooc #head canon #wow

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