#ignore this ofc i'm yelling because i don't have a therapist

[freethefable]

having a bad time :thumbsup:

#ignore this ofc i'm yelling because i don't have a therapist #i would love to have one but the cons are a lot right now #i have no car to get there and doing it remotely is fine but not private since this fucking house is an echo chamber #maybe i can invest in some of that audio dampening stuff #that's actually not a bad idea but damn all that and paying for therapy is just. cool #anyway i'm having a big sad and needed to type for a bit mainly because there is no one to say this to #it's everything everywhere all at once time once again it's a shame i've never seen that movie but still really want to #i've been having trouble sleeping because of restless thoughts due to work or my personal shit that I cannot resolve in any way that matter #so i'll either stay awake half a-fucking-sleep unable to keep my eyes open to distract myself with whatever or i'll suddenly wake up #and then be consequently plunged into a mass anxiety ridden thought avalanche #to my knowledge i've never had an anxiety attack but my coping mechanisms historically aren't the best either even if effective at the time #once again it's like hm don't i have something in my life i am proud of or something that i can present to myself to be ok for now but no #there are always always more cons than pros and of course that's how i see it because negative self talk and bias etc all the therapyisms #and by the trope i LOGICALLY know and have a version of myself outside myself that says ah yes you are experiencing xyz #but of course it's not really that bad there's something you can do about this you just choose not to actively take steps says the me #and YES i KNOW but there's always a but whether it's time or motivation or god forbid women do anything like have no fucking life #so your main problem of loneliness/no friends doesn't get fucking solved because no one will take the time to begin to care #because i am not a multifaceted human with experiences and completely coherent and intelligent thoughts about important topics #i have none of that because at some point in my life i decided to say fuck that and do pleasure instead easy route only #you can't make friends if the only thing you care about is them caring enough to be your friend #if I am not immediately intelligent or interesting enough to capture someone's attention am I even worth keeping #and i could DO something about it I could go and LEARN and go HAVE experiences and make myself better #and maybe eventually i'll feel good enough but by that point it will be so so late #and i'm really worried that i won't make it in time for me #i gotta stop before i legit cry since i just wanted to type a bit but there's a big friend shaped hole in my heart #and i'm paralyzed for how to fix it with everything else going on #i'm this malformed amalgamation of a person with rounded edges no thoughts and nothing important to say

[anawkwardlady]

idk if I can ask for things on your own prompts, but 12 or 15 would be pretty neat to read from you

Ofc its alright. I feel like going with the 12 ! It's mostly dialogues which is not my strong point, hope it still has some values ! Also, ironic from the person who said "dont take this list seriously" probably lol

-

"I'm suffering, you cunt !"

"Right. And do you ever tell Claude about this suffering ?"

Alois got startled by the weird response he got from his therapist. Was she so used to getting called names it wasn't doing anything anymore ? He looked at her and looked at Claude. They were separated by an empty chair, a statement really, about how Hannah couldn't be here today. It was really important to still leave her place, apparently.

"Well... I think I did... But if I didn't, it should be obvious"

"Because your friend Ciel thinks it's obvious"

"It got obvious with the breakdowns..."

"You have to get to the breakdowns to have people noticing you're not doing good"

"I mean he did talk about that before"

"And you brushed him off. But even when you get to that point, Claude is not noticing."

"Because Ciel is mean about it. No he is not"

"Alois, Claude is right next to you, why didn't you tell him instead of yelling at me. I know you're suffering thats why we're here."

The boy turned his gaze, he didn't know why he had to do it, he felt like he went through this a thousand time but couldn't remember a single one. He is mad at him.

"Claude, I'm in pain."

Claude, who was usually mostly quiet during these sessions, finally broke the silence after a few seconds.

"I hear you"

"And did you know he was before he said it ?" She asked,

"How can I not notice. He's..."

"Talk to him" She cut,

So he did, looking right in front of him.

"You, you are unconsolable."

"You don't have to say it like that ! If you're noticing then... then you're just ignoring me."

The boy's voice broke in a few sobs. Why did he turn any cry for help into a rancid criticism. Like... Like he is being an inconvenience existing like this. Claude rubs his temples with irritation.

"That is why I don't like coming" he whispered,

"Because he is crying ? Is crying a bad thing Mr. Faustus ?"

"No, I guess if he needs it. But what am I supposed to do ?"

"Meaning ?"

He quietly sighed, and coldly stared at the therapist he wanted to strangle right there.

"I hear you Alois. I don't know what to do with you. I don't think Hannah does either."

Every word took its time and felt hard enough to say like they were heavy secrets or humiliating apologies.

"Then I'm fucked, I'm glad I came to hear that"

The blond chuckled in between his sobs while this therapist slowly shook her head, pretty assured.

"Oh no no. I think we can finally start working with you."

She then looked at her watch

"I told you, I know you're suffering, that's why you're here. They both know that when they come. Even if you hate it, Mr Faustus you're coming"

No answer, he just started to gather his clothes and cleaned his glasses.

"We'll see you next week ? With everyone ?"

"Sure." Claude throws. Alois wiped his puffed cheeks with his hands and grabbed on his arms.

They leave.

#answered #if i want to do the other one i'll just rb this post ! #alois trancy #claude faustus #kuro writing