#ik its unavoidable sometimes so im trying to get better

[kummatty]

to this day, I hate being yelled at

#it still just arrests my entire system and makes me go blank #and i shake (usually internally) #i just hate it #sometimes it makes me feel like a kid that i still have this total body response to it but um #thats fine i dont like being communicated to in that way #ik its unavoidable sometimes so im trying to get better

[gaystardykeco]

need to sleep but the Dread is consuming me

#i just feel like smth bad is going to happen tonight. but also i feel like this p often on random nights where nothing bad happens so. #it could be bc i had caffeine this morning and its still fucking with my. brain #or more likely its bc im back on the overnight call list for work starting tonight and continuing the rest of the time i have this job #being able to not be on it while i was on vacation was so nice like i could actually sleep #still couldnt sleep through the night but at least when i did wake up it didnt take me an hour to fall back to sleep #generally when i feel this much dread on a night i can get work calls its bc theres going to be a call sometime between 3 and 6am that nigh #hopefully there wont be but ik this dread and anxietys gonna fuck up my sleep regardless so whatever #i dont really want to move to nyc but if i get this job offer i think i just need to bc this job is fucking me up so bad #if it wasnt for this fucking on call thing itd be tolerable but i just can't handle the on call thing #the fear that ill get a call and not know how to solve the problem and have to call my boss or coworker to help is killing me #ik its stupid but i have really bad anxiety around waking ppl up and asking ppl for help and calling ppl so #perfect combination to make me Suffer ig #and i did try talking to my boss about it and told him it was the reason i was unhappy on the team #and he essentially said i just need to be better at my job so we get less calls and that being on call is essential and unavoidable #if i dont get the nyc job i might need to just quit anyway which i know is pathetic but i just cant handle this on top of the other things #like i cant have no friends and a useless therapist and meds that dont work and no sense of self and a million other things #and then on top of that a job that makes it so i cant even sleep which is the one thing ive always been okay at and not had problems with #i know its so silly and i know i need to be grateful this job pays me well and shut up #i just am so miserable and i need to be able to sleep like i need that one thing please #sorry for being ridiculous and insane i know its stupid to be this upset over this #sorry dkdkjd sorry about all this i genuinely cant believe anyone still follows me when i post this bullshit #hopefully its fairly easy to ignore and everyones just not expanding the tags so im just screaming into the void #cant tell if i really want no one to see this or if im putting it all here all the time so i can pretend someone is reading it and cares #idk im just so tired and so sad and so scared all the fucking time and i think i just dont want to always be alone in it idk #and i know my problems arent real or serious or bad but unfortunately im pathetic and spoiled and theyre destroying me anyway