#im SOOOO insanely happy they did that romance scene come from that interaction

[poguesgold]

how did you feel about season? i know most people liked it better than season 1 but i’m not sure how i feel yet🤔 might need to rewatch it

okay this ended up soooo long so i'm giving a tl;dr review here and if anyone cares to read my insanely long thought dump you can feel free. this part is spoiler free also!!

cons: i think they should have further developed the s1 storyline rather than conjuring up an entirely new treasure and conflict; i don't think they did the characters justice a lot of the time, particularly kie and jj; too much yelling and running not enough hanging out; the finale cliff hanger was a stupid writing choice

pros: cleo!!; pope-centric plotline!!!; amazing jjpope moments in the improv sequences; never a boring moment; rafebarry oh my god????; neck kiss shirtless wrestling holding hands standing unnecessarily close jjpope rot; just a straight up nine hour long adrenaline rush and i love that shit.

overall: i definitely did not like it more than s1, but i still REALLY loved it. i think it's worth the watch, just don't go into it expecting good writing or realistic injuries or a comprehensive plot LMFAO. what saves the season is the pogues' chemistry and their improv sequences, for real. and cleo. you WILL get angry about the shitty script and characterization if you’re really invested in that part of things, but as far as vibes and dopamine high it was awesome. it was a fun watch and i'll definitely rewatch at least once to soak it in properly

please this is going to be soooo long i apologize in advance. but i have a lot of thoughts. also ⚠️⚠️spoilers ahead!!⚠️⚠️

most of this review is going to be criticisms tbh so sorry for that but this show kinda sucks (affectionately<3)

i thought season 2 was an absolute TRAINWRECK as far as writing goes. jonas pate was basically like. this season we're going to have an even BIGGER and BETTER treasure!!! but the exact same thing is going to happen. like. we already had gold. and that's what they were going to the bahamas for at the end of season 1 for anyway????? it would have been so easy to just develop the original storyline further, i just cannot figure out why they would completely abandon it for another mediocre storyline. (i LOVED that this other mediocre storyline was pope-centric and the main character energy he was given this season. but. they. could have done that?? with the first storyline?????)

i hate that they brought big john back so so much. SO much. literally it was the stupidest most idiotic lazy cheesy plot choice in the world. it doesn't make sense, we like saw his literal bones at one point like his lifeless corpse, and WHY would they bring back a key character from the PREVIOUS ARC when they created an ENTIRELY NEW CONFLICT AND PLOTLINE FOR THIS SEASON???? jonas pate stuck it in for shock value and cliff hanger in hopes of securing a season 3, and i hate him for it. he's such a terrible writer white men have it so easy

someone in the neck kiss truthers discord earlier pointed out that jb's dead father returning after like a year and a half of thinking he was dead would probably be more traumatic that healing at this point, and i agree so much. also, you know that they're not going to use it for good either way. they're going to use his dad coming back as a way to further traumatize him somehow because obx writers are jombeephobic. and i wouldn't put it past them to bring him back just to kill him off again. jonas pate wants to write john b torture porn and i am TIRED of it

my least favorite thing about season 2 was the characterization. they really did just disregard the characters they created in season 1. kie was completely ooc for like three episodes, and it wasn't because she was mourning. it was just shitty writing. she had no character outside of her relationships this season, which has been my fear from the very beginning and why i have never wanted kie with any of the pogues. season 2 diminished her character to the female love interest, and that just sucked so bad for her.

whether you're a jjpope or not, season 2 completely changed their friendship dynamic. the only time we got glimpses of the season 1 jjpope dynamic was in the improv sequences when rudy and jd took it upon themselves. also during their hugs LMFAO. which is also an acting choice. the writing completely disregarded their friendship and dynamic. it was weird as fuck it was all weird. i also hated that kie and sarah's scripted interactions were just them talking about boys. another case of friendships again being completely disregarded for the cishet relationships. 

i just really feel like all of the characters were handled poorly this season, which is crazy because literally ALL we asked for was backstory and character development and pogue screentime. but jonas pate instead decided to write ten episodes of nonstop running and yelling and fuckinf adrenaline, with an ooc script. for funsies

i feel like the magic of season 1 was lost. the vibe of season 1 that makes it so comforting and rewatchable and lovely is sort of just lost in all the silly plot. we see snatches of it here and there, but they feel crammed between unnecessary action scenes and stunts and shouting when we would have been happy with ten episodes of the pogues hanging out in each other's bedrooms.

NOW IM GOING TO TALK THINGS I LIKED OKAY OKAY

i seriously DID love watching it. we pulled an all nighter in the neck truthers discord and binged the entire season and the adrenaline of that kept me going for the rest of the week. it was literally fucking insane absolutely batshit and i LOVED it. the writing was horrible but like. it's obx we know it isn't good LMFAOO. it's part of the charm

i definitely don't like it more than s1, but i did still like it a lot. i LOVED how pope centric it was, like he fr had such main character energy this season and it was wonderful. even though the storyline was weird and didn't make sense jd did so well lolol he did so wonderfully. i loved seeing pope get the attention he deserves this season.

JJPOPE MOMENTS. i was definitely sad they didn't have an arc to themselves like they did season 1, but oh my god jd and rudy FED US with jjpope improv moments this season. the NECK KISS? the WRESTLING? every single one of their hugs?????? they're insane. it sucked that they really didn't have any scenes alone but we take what we can get.

SPEAKING OF GAYS LET'S TALK ABOUT RAFEBARRY. because?? oh my god??? first season it was like a crack ship and then season 2 came out and... what are we supposed to do ignore it? they are literally??? gay????? it's jarring they're insane. i am so so invested in them it's kind of unreal how deep i got into this ship in such a short amount of time (follow @rafebarry babies <33)

cleo. i love cleo. the best new thing to come out of this season for sure. clarah is coming strong i can feel it and i am SO ready. i know that they're most likely going to move toward a cleopope romance next season, which i don't hate? i'm bothered only because a) it's obvious it's mostly being done to get pope out of the way for jiara, and b) i think people often push two dark-skinned characters into a ship just because they're both dark-skinned, and that yucks me out. but i will say i really liked their moments together in s2 and i think they could be really good together if they're canon s3 (which they probably will be.)

overall like. it was a fun watch. i retained like 2% of the plot i was just there for the vibes and dopamine high and that was totally fine. i want to take the pogues out of jonas pate’s greedy little white man fingers and give them the character and relationship development they deserve, but we can’t have it all i guess. the cinematography this season i think i liked better than season 1, wasn’t a huge fan of that weird yellow filter tho. also the lighting. obx lighting guys get demoted challenge. umm yeah season 1 supremacy but season 2 had amazing vibes

#jesus clearly i haven't talked about this enough yet #send in other asks if you want i'm absolutely insane #sorry if there's typos i am not reading through this again #if i'm incoherent you'll just have to deal #asks #s2 asks

[horansqueen]

AM Conversations : chapter 29

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -5.3k. (yep longer chapter but it was needed) -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- if you want to be notified when this is updated, please message me or leave a comment!

- you can send me questions and theories and comments. tbh they all make me SO SO SO SOOOO HAPPY! and make me want to write more! you can also tell me if there are things you WANT to happen. you never know, i may add it :P

- thanks for being patient btw! i work a lot these days and will work even more in the next few weeks (until halloween) so i may not update as often as i’d like. :(

- note for this chapter: remember the first part is exactly like the last chapter but from HER pov. longer chapter. yes i used that song, sue me. was it too quick? not emotional enough? too meh?  next chapter will be from his pov and ill try to write the process and what happened in his head to get this conclusion. that way you can understand him and where his decision comes from. shit i really hope this reached expectations, damn.

-please, message me, give me feedbacks, it would mean sooo much to me!

Chapter 29 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

I hadn't seen Niall in over two days and it was saddening me. I missed him more than I wanted to admit, even to myself, but at the same time, I knew he was spending most of his time with his girlfriend and I didn't want to bother their alone time. Plus, I didn't want to witness anything anymore. That time spent in Niall's living room watching them cuddle and kiss was haunting me. Yes, I was jealous, because Maya really had everything I ever wanted, including Niall, and it was hurting me more than I could ever admit.

Harry had texted me a few times and we had a few intense discussions about our relationship but also about the friendship we could have. I couldn't lie and pretend the feelings I had for him when we dated had disappeared or that I was completely healed but I was ready to try and that was all it took for us to schedule a movie night.

When I opened the door, I looked up in his eyes as my heart twisted in my chest. I had seen him not that long ago, it had only been a few weeks... was he always that tall? His lips had curled into a fond but amused smile and mine sort of did the same. Harry was the same man i knew, the same man I dated, and I was not sure I could only be his friend but it was worth a try.

I felt bad but I didn't know what else to do so I ended up bringing a blanket on the couch and sat close to him as we watched a movie and ate popcorn and candies. We always did that when we were together and it should feel awkward to do it now that we were over but I liked it. I missed affection and an other human's touch and Harry was a soft and affectionate person. I loved it.

"So, how are things between you and Niall?" he wondered, still staring at the screen as a romantic scene started.

I glanced at him and shrugged, leaning against the back of the couch and bringing my legs up.

"Okay, I guess." I replied before putting a few candies in my mouth. "He's splitting his time between Maya and I and I miss him but I guess there's not much I can do about it."

Harry quickly grabbed the remote and turned the volume down before turning his body my way, facing me. I frowned, giving him my full attention, and for some reason I knew he was going to give me a speech I had heard before.

"It's time, don't you think?" he asked, raising his eyebrows and bringing his hand to my knee. "It's been so long, Liv. You can't hide your feelings forever."

I felt myself get sad suddenly and although I was tired to hear people tell me I had to tell Niall how I felt, I knew they were right and that i had waited way too long. I looked down at his hand on my knee, trying to avoid his eyes. I focused on the way his thumb rubbed gently against the fabric of my pants and raised one shoulder up.

"I don't want to lose him." I admitted in a low tone. "If he finds out he's gonna leave."

I felt Harry's finger under my chin and he moved my face up. We stared at each other for a while and I could feel tears coming to my eyes. I knew I was way too emotional but I couldn't help it. I was scared. Scared like I had never been before, and the thought of losing my best friend again was driving me insane, especially if it was my fault. It also felt like it would hurt even more if he left because of my feelings for him.

"I know Liv, I know you're scared."

I swallowed hard, a bit surprised that he had noticed and feeling like he actually read my mind. The tone of his voice was soft and knowing that Harry cared about me even after what had happened between us made my heart twist.

"But if you-"

The bell rang and I jumped slightly before closing my eyes. I didn't want to answer. I had the annoying feeling it was Niall and I was not ready, especially not after that short discussion with Harry. I was not ready to hear him mention Maya, even if he barely ever did. I was not ready to face him and feel all those feelings I have for him flood my whole body and mind the way it always did recently, whenever he was around.

I felt Harry's hand squeeze my knee and opened my eyes, meeting his gaze. With a fond smile, he made a quick head movement in the door's direction and I sighed, pushing the blanket away and getting up to press the button that unlocks the front door. As I waited in front of my door, I felt my heart jump at the thought of Niall and Harry interacting again. I hadn't mentioned anything to Niall yet, but it was not like something was happening between Harry and I.

The knock at the door made my heart jump again but this time, I had to swallow it. I opened the door slightly, meeting Niall's smiling face, and I could swear my whole body relaxed suddenly. No one else had that effect on me.

“Hey, sorry I didn’t call.” he apologized, licking his lips and making my eyes drop to them. “Can I come in?”

“Uhm, yea, of course.”

Now that he was there, I didn't want him to leave, but I could feel my whole body shaking for a reason I ignored. He looked happy, excited even, and I always found it endearing to see him that way. This time, though, it felt weird and I didn't know why. It felt like something was going to happen and sensing it made everything almost intolerable. He started saying something but stopped right in the middle of his sentence. I was a bit lost in my thoughts but when he mentioned Harry's name, I remembered I was not alone. I was not sure it was a good thing but when Niall was there, It always felt like there was only the two of us.

When my best friend turned to me, I saw a bunch of emotions surge on his face and they passed so quick I couldn't remember or decipher all of them. I thought I saw surprise? Sadness? Anger?

"Wow, really?" he asked rudely, even though I knew it was rhetorical. "Him? Here?"

I frowned, shrugged and looked away before looking back in his eyes. I was lost, sad, and not really sure what exactly was wrong with the fact that Harry and I were friends, except that I knew Niall and him were not on best terms because of me.

“You didn’t even think to tell me that you two were spending time together?” he continued in an angry way. “You didn’t think to mention that you wanted to try again with him or that you had feelings for him again? What am I to you? Are we even still best friends?”

My eyes got bigger in surprise. Did the fact that I wouldn't tell him every single detail of my life meant that we were not best friends anymore? What would he do if he found out I kept this incredibly huge secret from him all these years?

“Niall, it’s not what you-”

“No, wait.” he cut me, leaving me motionless, my lips parting. “I come here to tell you I dumped Maya and I find you cuddling Harry?”  

He shook his head, scoffed and turned around, clearly annoyed as he pulled on his hair. But all I could think about was that he had broken up with Maya. He was not with her anymore and it didn't matter why. I felt my whole body vibrate and I teared up. It was so wrong to be happy because of someone else's misfortune, I knew it, but I couldn't help it. I was ecstatic.

“It’s really not what you think, Niall.”

I held my breath when I heard Harry's voice. I had almost forgotten that he was there, silently witnessing Niall's break down and my embarrassment, but the fact that he added something seemed to piss Niall off even more.

“He’s right.” I let out with a small shrug. “And we weren’t cuddling.”

He turned to me quickly and faced me, making me hold my breath.

“Don’t lie to me, I have two functioning eyes!”

“Oh my god Niall calm down!”

The words escaped my mouth and I felt bad for a few seconds as he took a step back. I could have slapped him and he would probably have had the same reaction. I barely noticed Harry getting up and telling me he was leaving but i nodded and instinctively smiled. It seemed to take forever until he was gone. I could still hear him walk down the stairs on the other side of the door but all I could focus was Niall. We were staring at each other intensely and all I repeated in my head was 'I love him' over and over again, the words hitting my brain in a throbbing sensation, kind of like a hammer.

I breathed in, pushing locks of my hair behind my ears and brought my arms around my body as if I was trying to protect myself but I was not sure from what. From him? From being hurt? From.. myself? I breathed in and out a few times, trying to remain calm because I knew this conversation could turn wrong and I didn't want to.

“Harry and I are just friends, Niall, that’s all.” I explained again, waiting a few seconds before I continued. “I’m not getting back with him, Niall.”

“You know what? I don’t believe you!”

I thought my words and tone would calm him down but the truth was, he seemed even more pissed than before Harry left. I didn't know why, I didn't seem to understand, and I had no idea how to reassure him more.

“Why?” I wondered, taking a step closer to him. “I won’t go back with him!”

“And why wouldn’t you go back with him mm?” his voice raised and he threw his arms up. “He’s perfect, he clearly still has feelings for you and you two didn’t really have any reason to break up.”

Of course I hadn't told Niall that the reason Harry broke up with me was because he knew I had feelings for Niall. I had kept this an other secret and whenever he would ask, I told him I didn't want to talk about it, resulting in him thinking there was actually no  valid reason. I knew I should tell him but I also knew I didn't have the courage to.

“Because… that’s not how it works, Nee.” I replied, shaking my head and avoiding his eyes as I tried not to get too mad.

It was not easy. I couldn't believe he was not seeing it. I couldn't believe he didn't want to see it. It made me mad in a way I couldn't explain. The kind of anger that makes you want to cry until you're completely dry. I was tired that he'd doubt me when I loved him so much. I was tired to have to share him when I was all his. I was so fucking tired to love him without getting anything back in return.

“WHY?”

“BECAUSE I LOVE YOU OKAY!?”

Silence fell between us but I suddenly felt myself become lighter. My heartbeats came back to a normal pace as if my heart had been beating harder than it should have had in the past weeks. I could feel hope and warmth invade my whole body and although I hated myself for it, I also felt better, way better than I had felt in months... years, even. I hadn't realized how heavy this secret was before letting it out.

“What?”

His voice was low and I could hear fear.

“I love you Niall. I’m in love with you.” I let out, swallowing hard but realizing the lump I used to have in my throat wasn't there anymore. “I’ve always been. Since the day I found out what love was, I knew the love of my life was you. I didn’t stop loving you, not even half a second. It’s always been you, and no one else.”

“That makes… no sense.” he expressed in a murmur, taking a step back and making me bite my bottom lip gently.

“Except it makes all the sense in the world, Niall, don’t you think?” My voice was just as low, if not lower, but I knew he could hear me perfectly. He was focused on me the same way I was concentrating on him. “Don’t you think we make sense?”

“As best friends, yea.” he said a little louder, now completely calm. “As.. maybe a bit more than that, sure. We make sense as ambiguous best friends that people question, okay, I get that.”

I don't think he realized what he was saying but to me, it meant exactly that. We were best friends that were more than best friends. We were best friends that were meant to be with each other. Not many people keep childhood friends in their life while being just as close to them as they always were. Did he not see that our relationship was unique? Or was I imagining all this? No, he just didn't see it. He didn't want to see it. And it hit me that I was right. I was going to lose him because he didn't love me. He didn't love me even if everyone tried to convince me that he did.

“But Olivia, you and I? As a couple?” he shook his head and shrugged as if it meant nothing. “No, it doesn’t make sense. It wouldn’t work.”

I had a million thoughts running in my mind normally but since Niall got here, I could only think about my love for him. That's all that seemed to matter. It was obsessing me. I looked up at him after a few seconds and licked my lips.

“Do you love me, Niall?”

I watched him as he literally closed right in front of me, putting his hands in his pockets and withdrawing into himself. He was trying to find a way to answer me without hurting me, I knew it. I knew Niall so well it was scary yet beautiful. This story, I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

“You always ask me that question. My answer is still the same.”

I took an other step closer and tilted my head more. He knew what I meant, and I wanted him to answer me. I needed to hear it, no matter what the answer would be. It was too late anyway, I couldn't go back, and if I wanted to be honest, I didn't want to go back.

“I mean real love.”

I was very close to him, now, and I tilted my head up to look in his eyes. My head was throbbing with fear yet I felt calm and serene as I waited. He looked down in my eyes and I told myself that no one else looked that good from that angle. Niall always looked good. He also smelled good, so good that it made me slightly dizzy. His eyes roamed on my face and I held my breath, enjoying the way he was looking at me. I knew I didn't look like the kind of girl he dated, liked or fucked, but love was more than that, right? Love was not physical, it was emotional, mental.. it came from the soul, the heart, from deep inside. He brought his hand up and his fingertips brushed on my cheek. It felt so amazing I had to stop myself from tearing up. His thumb rubbed gently on my cheekbone and my eyes fluttered a bit. I wanted to cry and I was not even sure why.

“I can’t.” his hand slipped from my face as he took a step back and my heart stopped. “I’m sorry.”

He turned around, his back facing me, and it seemed like I was too far from him now. I almost forgot how to breathe.

“Niall…”

He didn't move. He just shook his head.

“I’m sorry.”

I watched him grab the knob and open the door before leaving and i couldn't tell how long I stayed motionless, just staring at the spot he was in, after he left. And just like that, the lump was back in my throat and the heavy feeling was smothering me again.

                                                          ----

It took me a few days to realize that Niall wouldn't call or try to get in contact with me. I had avoided phone calls even thought Julie, Liam, Harry and even Louis had tried to talk to me. I was just not ready to face anyone and I didn't want them to tell me that Niall would eventually come back or worse, that they felt sorry for me. It's only after about two weeks of loneliness that I heard a knock at my door. I thought it was one of my neighbors since no one had rang before and I opened the door without thinking. Had it been too long since I saw an other human (excluding the chinese delivery guy)? Perhaps, but when I saw who was on the other side, I regretted answering.

Louis sent me a grin and leaned against the door frame as I stared at him. We were not really close and it was a bit surprising to see him but I didn't ask anything. I just raised my eyebrows and tilted my head, trying to push away the hope inside me that it had something to do with Niall.

"Can I help you?"

He grabbed the cigarette behind his ear and handed it to me but I just shook my head before he put it between his lips.

"Can I come in?" he asked after lighting it up and taking a puff. "We need to talk."

"We can talk here." I just answered a bit roughly, making him chuckle.

"Why so wild?" he wondered, amused.

I sighed and tried to calm myself, shrugging a shoulder.

"I don't know, I guess i'm trying to get rid of everything that makes me think of Niall or that links me to him, which includes you."

"I'm not Niall, you should remember that." he pointed out. "And you and I are friends, independently of him, so be prepared to find a fucking great friend in me, Liv."

I wanted to be pissed but the truth was, I could see myself in Louis and he was entertaining. Plus, I couldn't push away everyone, and apparently some of them were stubborn and persistent. No matter why Louis was here for, I knew that in the end, i'd do what he'd ask me to. I was ready to resist but it was inevitable.

"What do you want, 'Tommo'?" I asked, raising my eyebrows and making him laugh at the nickname his friends give him.

"Good, you're a fast learner." he smirked, pulling again on his cigarette. "See, we're going out for my birthday tonight, and you're formally invited."

I frowned, knowing deep down that it was a fucking bad idea but considering it anyway. I was tired to be alone and even worse, to drink alone. Perhaps doing it with a few friends would help me get some things off my mind.

I turned to look at the window, watching snowflakes fall gently and slowly in front of it and I let out a sigh.

"I don't know, Louis, I have nothing to wear anyway."

"Liv, it's a bar, not a ball." he expressed, raising his eyebrows. "A pair of jeans and your converse and you're ready to go. Unless you want to do something with your hair."

I rolled my eyes and grimaced.

"Oh shut up!" I groaned, making him laugh again, before I shrugged, losing my smile. "Is he gonna be there?"

Louis sighed and shook his head.

"You have to come, Liv, it's my birthday."

"Well technically..."

"Olivia, it's my fucking birthday!" he expressed, cutting me short. "I don't know if Niall's gonna be there, I lean towards no, but I can't make any promise."

I stared at him, watching the smoke from his cigarette move between us, twisting and turning on itself. I breathed in and sighed louder than I should have as his lips curled more. He knew I was giving in and I knew it too.

"Give me ten minutes." I just said, leaving the door open and turning around to go get dressed.

"Make it fifteen, love." he joked as I heard the door close behind him. "Spend five more on your hair."

Without turning around, I moved my arm up to show him my middle finger and heard him laugh from my room.

                                                       ---

The bar was not as crowded as I thought but the closer we got to the table, the harder my heart was beating. I didn't know if I was relieved of disappointed when we finally reached it and I noticed that Niall wasn't there but I just smiled and sat next to Julie who greeted me all while holding Liam's hand on the table. Eleanor was there too, along with Lottie and a her boyfriend and a few more people I didn't know. I noticed Harry who was coming back from the bar with a beer pitcher and when he sat next to me, I sent him a big smile.

"I'm glad you're here." he admitted, bending down a bit closer. "I didn't think Louis would convince you. I was actually pretty sure you wouldn't even open your door."

"He didn't ring." I explained with a grimace. "I thought it was a neighbor."

Harry nodded, closing his eyes with a smile. "Clever."

I laughed a bit and shook my head. "Yea, I guess!"

He poured beer in my empty mug and I thanked him before taking a sip. I was not a big fan of beer but it was still free alcohol and I was always in for that.

"It was not against you, you know." I pointed out, hoping he would understand.

"I know." he said in a low tone, turning his mug in his hand. "I didn't take it personal. I know you didn't answer Julie or Louis' calls either. No worries."

I was glad no one had mentioned Niall to me yet but I couldn't pretend that it was not surprising me. They all had tried to contact me about him and now that they finally got a hold of me, no one was even hinting at him. I was just telling myself how odd it was when something caught my attention.

I recognized him immediately as he walked on the small stage in front of our table. A projector was turned on, suddenly lighting him as he sat on a stool in front of a small piano. My heart stopped completely when I saw him. It felt like I hadn't seen him in years. He looked good and he hadn't changed and somehow, that thought made me tear up. I knew it was Louis' birthday and that he wouldn't miss it and perhaps that was why I was here : to see him for maybe the very last time. I was lying to myself when I pretended it was okay that he had left and that I had made the right choice. The right choice was him and I had lost him.

"I'm sorry to cut your discussions short." he apologized in the microphone and that's when I realized he was going to sing. "I promise it'll only take a few minutes of your time."

No matter what he was going to sing, I knew it would be a song that would haunt me for the rest of my life. It would be the song I would always cry on, the last song my best friend had sang in front of me, and just thinking about it made me tear up again.

"Recently, i've questioned myself a lot about what I want and how I feel. I've never been good at expressing my feelings and I know it's hurt some people. It's hurt the most important person in my life. I've hurt her over and over again through the years without knowing or.. maybe I just didn't want to know. I was in denial but now i'm not anymore. I can't keep my eyes and heart closed."

I frowned but then my eyes opened wider. I didn't want to look around myself, I knew they were all looking at me, and I wanted to focus on Niall and just him. Was it wrong of me to think he was talking about me? Was I hallucinating? Or lying to myself again? I couldn't help but think I should get up and leave but I didn't want to and even if I had wanted, I couldn't have. I was stuck on this chair, my hands gripping my beer, my fingers turning red from the tight squeeze I had on it without even realizing it. He let his fingers slide on a few keys and I could swear my heart vibrated at the same time. He cleared his throat and when he started playing, I felt my heart sink in my chest.

"Looking back through changes Where we started from Don't know about you but I knew it wasn't wrong You know I kept a place For you in my mind And I know you did the same 'Cause you're just that kind."

I had stopped breathing but I started crying. I wasn't even ashamed of my tears and anyway, I couldn't stop them.

"So if we knew all along Why did it take so long? We've known since we were young So why did it take so long? You know you make me feel loved Make me feel like I'm home So if we knew all along Why did it take so long?"

His eyes met mine and I breathed in, trying not to blink. I saw guilt on his face but also something else, something I had seen before but that I could never decipher. He stared at me as he sang, his eyes leaving me briefly from time to time only to look at his own fingers move on the keys.

"Moving on You and I started looking back Now we've got to make up For all the wasted time You know I'd never let you just walk on by From the day that I met you I knew you'd be mine, yeah."

My mind was blank as I tried to understand the lyrics. My heart was saying it was love and my head was telling me to keep it real, that Niall didn't love me and that he had made it clear. But did he ever say that? Did he ever tell me that he didn't love me?

"So if we knew all along Why did it take so long? We've known since we were young Why did it take so long? You know you make me feel loved Make me feel like I'm home So if we knew all along Why did it take so long?"

I was paralyzed and crying in a bar surrounded by strangers but also friends, friends who knew exactly why I was there and that this would happen. A bunch of feelings rushed inside me but I remained motionless as something twisted in my stomach and did the same to my heart at the same time. It's only when he sang the bridge that I realized that my tears had flood my cheeks and that I didn't want to wipe them. It's only when he sang those words that it hit me hard, so hard I felt like I couldn't breathe anymore.

"Just started, it's just started I'm having trouble believing it's true Just started, just started Now we got nothing to prove."

He loved me, didn't he? He was telling me exactly that but my mind wouldn't process it. I had spent so many nights trying to reason myself and get it to my head that Niall would never have these feelings for me and he was there, just singing his heart out to me through a song I had never heard before and I felt my heart jump higher than ever in my chest at the thought that he may have written it for me.

He sang the chorus again and when I heard the last notes, I heard claps around me. A lot of people got up, I heard some whistles and screams, but I couldn't move. Niall got up and moved his head as a thank you before getting off the stage and without realizing it, I got up and walked up to him. I didn't care that I was in front of a bunch of people. I didn't care that everyone was looking at us. I was so close to him that I had to look up to dive my gaze in his. He looked down and shook his head slightly, his face twisting in a guilty and sad expression.

"I'm so sorry, Olivia." he whispered, and I was surprised I could hear him so clearly through all the noise around us. "I was a fucking idiot."

His large hands cupped my face, his fingers pressing on my cheeks, jaw and neck as my heartbeats accelerated. I remained silent, I just wanted to hear what he had to say. I needed it. And I couldn't help but think that I deserved it.

"I love you." he whispered, bending down, his lips almost touching mine. "I feel like I always did. I was not ready, I didn't want to ruin things, I was scared. Those are all bad reasons and I regret them."

I nodded slowly and swallowed hard. It made me realize the lump was gone again and when he wiped my tears with his thumbs, I felt my lips curl slightly.

"I love you." he repeated.

I only closed my eyes when his lips were on mine. They moved slowly and softly against mine. I brought both my hands to his wrists as his grip on my face tightened. I had to touch him if only to convince myself this was real. I needed to touch him to be sure he wouldn't just disappear and that I wouldn't wake up alone in my bed. But this was true, he was there, he was kissing me, and the way he tasted was beyond all my expectations.

His lips parted mine to deepen the kiss and I could swear I heard someone yell "Fucking finally!" behind me. I smiled through the kiss and I could feel Niall do the same. His lips brushed up against mine and a shiver ran up my spine before he grabbed my upper lip between his to kiss me again. No one had ever kissed me like that and I knew that no one else ever would.

"You still love me, yea?" he whispered, his mouth leaving small but soft kisses on the corner of my lips and his hands still holding my jaw.

I chuckled against his mouth as he kissed me again. I felt like he would never stop and I didn't want him to stop anyway. I felt overjoyed and my whole body was throbbing

"Don't be stupid." I whispered. "I always have and I always will."

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