#im so much happer now

[kil9]

man.... got out of my shitty old job got out of my shitty old house.... I think I am unstoppable

#99.txt #my old house.... became like a nightmare for me because im so scared of bugs especially centipedes #and it got to a point where a centipede would come to my room every single day and i just lived in constant anxiety #and literlly blood splatters on the wall like an insane person #they liked my house so much cos the basement walls were half filled with water at all times and generating mold #which i was also breathing at all times to become more insane #and it would flood the basement every time it rained lol.... so eventually the landlords ''fixed'' it #which meant stopping the water from leaking into the basement. but not from getting into the walls in the first place............... #so now there was no exit and the walls became MUCH MORE filled with water. #much more bugs and now you could even smell the mold from outside the house. #then on top of that the landlords go ''we're going to raise your rent in 3 months ^_^'' #by some insane ammount i dont remember #so we went ok......... goodbye #that & my work are examples of a bad situation needing to become an even worse situation to force me to leave sjfjskd 😐😐 #im so much happer now #HEY have u noticed i havent had a public internet breakdown in like ???? months or something ????? #i feel like i can think like a person haha >_< like a still kinda crazy person but........ jesus #my life has not been simple lmao

[notsodailycake]

(sweater anon) i think i got lisbon and brisbane mixed up. and yeah i feel ya about school, they say they were the best years of our lives, complete baloney, much happer now that im done with it, SO much more free time. (im 23 for the record)

God lucky you- I'm waiting to finish my 3 years (now 2 since I'm basically almost over with this year)

I took the professional course because by the 3rd year (12th grade) we will get an internship?? I think that's what it's called in English. But basically just gonna have to work on the job we chose for the course and we can get our degree and leave

Since I'm planning on making my art my career, with making comics and stories, and that currently it's actually going quite well

I plan that once I'm done I'll work more on those stuff. I'm already considering opening commissions here soon to see how it goes actually, and i have an original comic series on the works

This course is only my plan B, bc apparently, here where i live, industrial designing pays really fucking well, so ya know

#commissions will be a rricky thing for me since i actually do have them open #on my Instagram #but i have low interaction there plus i onmy ever got 1 person to commission me there #buuut i ha e sone hope here bc well #i also trued doing comics on Instagram and it didn't work out #yet the moment i posted something here like the stupidest silliest comic #it got popular and a request to be dubbed in only 3 days #so yeah idk #i guess I'm just abjt more hopeful here ^^; #cakes asks #ask box #sweater anon

[swampwart]

im over them but im not

i wouldnt say im not over them, but i wouldnt say i am

i feel like im near the home stretch, im almost out of here

i hate this, i hate watching those two get along so well

he says all the things i used to say, its terrifying

its depressing

it hurts, i hate this feeling it hurts

god i cant stand it at all, i dont know how much longer can shout be happer for them in my head anymore

why do i have to see it, why do i have to hear it

why does everyone move on from me so quickly, why am i not worth suffering for

i hate this, i hate myself, this is why i hate myself

what kind of sick bastard wants someone to stay in love with them after they broke up w them

i ended the relationship, me

i dont get to be so worked up about this

i dont believe they loved me ever, i know they did, but i dont believe it

iys such a weird feeling

i cant describe it, in my head i know they loved me, all the signs were there

they'd smile at me so sweet and their eyes were full of it, they always made time for me, they cared about me so deeply

but my heart doesnt believe it, my head doesnt believe, but it knows it i know they did

i hate this i hate all of yhis

im near the home stretch

i dont know how to move my legs now

how do i reach the gate out of here?

i uswd to scream and kick and shout all bad thinhs about people, thatd how i got out of his

but thats not it, it was terrible, painful

insulting and anger and brute force isnt the way out of here

but i want out so bad but i wabt to get out so bad

and im a toddler, throwing a tantrum, i want it i want it i want it

and i cant have it, i have to still my own heart, hold my own hands, and whisper w a kiss take your time

this feeling wont last for ever, if it foes, i will learn to live with it

[lokbobpop]

Father

Father' comes from the Proto-Indo-European “pəter” and Old English 'fæder,' meaning “he who begets a child,” reflecting the baby-talk sound “pa” as well as a phonetic shift from 'p' to 'f' in Middle English

Father fat her fa ther fa the r f ather

Writing father

When i saw i had this word yesterday for today i was liek not really wanting to look at it as i dont have anything much nice i actually liked about my father he was a drunk he was verbally abusive he was self absorbed yes i recon some narcissistic actions within him i think we all have on some leve;l though, but at the end of the day wheni was young i loved my dad but it all went wrong he went wrong he lost his way and we all felt how he lost his way he was fearful for sure he had lost all and gave up he didnt see what else to do and if he did he wouldnt do it so that was it im not sure how old he was at the time when he lost it all but he’d been a drunk fro many years a before that id say in my early teens shit started to go down and it just started to ge worse and worse all the time he was a angry man.

Reading father

When i have seen fathers of other people who have lovely dads i have felt jealous i didnt have a dad like that why not why couldn’t i have a normal dad that would support you why did i have a dad that was self absorbed it didnt seem fare not all dads were the same i wanted one like theres but of cause there were dads i didnt want any dad that was a drinker i didnt want for sure.

Chris is a father to my girls although i have thought a few time he could have done more but so definitely could of i i could have dotn so much more myself so saying h=this i about him i know isnt write at all

Father as in the vicar when call him father weird or what as he ain’t your father and the furthest thing from it mind you some vicors/father might of been better than mine maybe as some fathers arent that great themselves.

When i was young id go fishing with my dad i liked hanging out with my dad and my dad liked me he even told me i was his favorite which made me sick that i wasnt my mums anf my brother was but when i was young i did like to hang out before the drinking become uncontrollable but then i was going to the pub with him where sometimes he’d get angry at me in the pub out me down once in a pub he told me he had an affair and he though a friend of mine had told me because she had seen him with another women but no they happened i felt sick how could he do such a thing when i got home i walked straight in the house past mum and went to bed i didn’t know what to do 20 years later when i did tell my mum she said it wasnt true even though i think she got up to things hey.

Saying father

Disappointment comes up that i did have a good dad

Vicor/father again

Just imagine what it would of been like with a normal father who loved hos family didnt hate his family didnt want to fight every night didnt want to put you down every night but loved you just imagine what my life would of been like would i have been much happer? I ask myself yes i would of i would of been so much happier than i was as a child

Sf

Does this definition support me no a dislike for my father to the point i hope he is here watching me right now and feeling bad for what he had done to me and my family that i hope he sees what a complete twat he was how he was so self indulgent he was but i know he did see this when he died and nothing in this will see him as wrong as it’s all about me how i handles those moments of anger from him how i moved myself within me now and then so i take responsibility for me now no more blame no more sadness its over he’s gone he’s had to deal with what he did i have ot deal with what i did and thats that.

Father faith her

Father

To be both guardians to my children to be male and female support to my children to learn from my past to create a better further for my own children to use what i know about parenting to see what is needed who to be to be both father and mother to my best ability.

I will live this word to support me in being a better mother to learn from my past so the same doesnt happen again to undo the mistakes i have done and create a new :)

[chris5martinez-blog]

Well....dont even know what to say. do i believe everything you said? 99%...... They went completely silent when you were answering the questions...... Im leaving you alone not because you asked me too. But for me..... I did change. But the change was for you, whether you believe this or not everything that i did after you left me was ONLY for you. I still remember when me and your mom would laugh about stuff and shake your dads hand and let your sister use my phone. Do i want us yo be together again? No. Because ik your happier with him and you'll never feel that way with me again... Do i regret taking your virginity? Yes. Becuz you should have lost it to him. You might not feel it but from the answer you gave me....i can tell you fell for him already. You seem very use to how he is and like his traits and how yall work as a team. This is my finally goodbye for the very very very very very very very far foreseeable future. Ive been dead since the moment you said chris its not gonna work my mom and friends tell me your an abuser. Are you the true love of my life? Yes....and for that.....i hate everything you've done to me. And i hate everything the old me did to you for you to leave me and fall for someone else. Im sorry jess...... I think the only thing i feel from this is just a deep pain and hurt that ill/we'll never have little baby Charlie rose Martinez.....i remember hearing you say "our babies are gonna be so cute cx" ......now i think... "Charlie rose Rojas"........ill never forgive you for putting that thought in my head... I know you didnt do any of this on purpose but....being happy with him and having a good thing going on with him and it going on for a long time makes that Charlie rose exist. And for that i hate you. Do i see us in the future? No. Becuz you have a good thing going with him and yes i do want you to be happy. They wanted me to end your happiness becuz they thought it was a fake happiness and wanted you all to myself and show you that you WILL bw happer with him. Do i believe you'll be happier with me? Yes. I already know you will. But your now and forever will be stuck on him. Very very emotionally attached. I wanna feel like you lied to me so much by not actually "still loving me" and everything you told me when we said our goodbyes like 3 weeks ago when i was with my mom. But tbh idk what to believe anymore with you becuz everything you did to me and my head. Im sorry for hurting you. Im sorry for asking you on a movie date to see krampus. Im sorry for taking your virginity. Im sorry for making an emotional connection between us. Im sorry for telling you we're drift compatible. And Im sorry for making you temporarily fall in love with me... Thats all i have to say. This. Jessica lynn Ramirez... Is goodbye.

[themothermary-blog1]

i sound too much like my brothers   and now it makes more sense

i remember when i usto tell my brothers dont talk like that   life aint like that Tommy be nice    he use to tell me to take my rose collored glasses back to the country store  that as soon as i get a grip that life is primaraly bull shit that he woul be  happer with me   that i need to get my head out of the cloud up there and look around here we are living hell on earth   aint no god gona save you dad aint never coming back  and you real dad is uncle jack    pull my head out of gods ass     mary  we got to get the hell out of cleveland   he ended up in parma and i ended up with  religous hillbillys in southern ohio   now i have been giving the same advice my brothers gave me      i think these hilbillys  used gorilla glew  when inserting there heads up gods ass     the people you should trust the most are the ones who show a rainbow that has black in it   never beleave anything thats too perfict  or anybody that is too nice   if sombody aint showing some copping vice  pertaining to life  than the vice thay   are using is so much worse than the standards   you know  food , coffie ,cigeretts, alcohol drugs being a all around ass hole being on psy meds   i guyes we got the praying folks but those i dont trust the most because thay will never admit it but there copping mechanisim is based  on faith (hope)  i hope for them there is a god up there and i hope for them he cares i hope for them that theres a heven and i hope for them that jesus opened the door  i hope for them that if god does exist that he change his mind because of some crap some preast does under his name see thay are going under the word crist who is sopoato be the one who opened the door  if adam and eve did exist lets face it    it dosent take much to get god pissed    we are soposto be taking care of eachother down here and even after he gave his only begotten son humans are a bunch of self centered creatures   think about all the crap that has happined just since jusus died now you tell me if you were god and you soposedly gave you only son thay got beat half to death had to carrie that cross and then nailed to it  finally stabed   if i was god i would be so ticked so pissed  i would move where heven is with where hell is and trick the selfrichus hippacrits    when it was the time for the judgement day to come to get the human sorting day done i would pull a fast one and have sainten posse as me and open the gate and let all of them is ever one of them   theres going to be a fue that actually stuck to what thay were actuall soposto do but i assure you its very fue  i think mother taresia  maby princess diana    then he will come to people like me and ask whats your excuse i will openly admit i looked at all the religons and  none of them were ohonestly doing the jesus thing it all seemed like a lye so  i chucked all of it and did my best to try to be nice to all not just a fue chosen people  but to be ohonest the cristians are just hard to love thay seemed so fake to me so two faced to me the shit just got on my human nerves i tried to do religon but it just seemed like i was putting on some kind of show i mean i really wanted to beleave and i would put my all in it but it would just fade after awile   god unfortunatly if you needed me to pick the right one you shouldnt have given me so meny to pick from thay ass clame thay know whats best  so i deciced to get my own religous and leave you out of it untill i got to know the real you   sometimes humans just make me so angry it drives me out of my mind i just can let people treat me how ever thay want to   i do turn the other cheak  i have 4 cheaks but then im week after that ive pretty much had it.  so if i let you down im sorry but im a human and my life was anything but easy down there i know nobody ever said life was going to be easy or fair but sereously god did you have to hit me with all that shit  or if sainten had a hand couldnt you have told him enough is enougy because im sorry there comes a time when you have been through so much and seen so much that you just cant beleave theres a god anymore  if you were going to let that happen you should have given me some extra god stuff to go on you know like some kinda  ball of light that comes to me in the middle of the night and says i know you dont understand the reason for all this but trust me there is one then some second of pure happyness like a glimps of heven then put me to sleep so i can put up with more

now  i get my self in truble for this down there i hope its not the same up her but what the hell thay all say im a fuck up so i wont be one bit surprised if you do thay represent you

now get out your my life  movie projector  and i want to do this in a manor that is educational  not  my life falashes befor me

of lest leave out the day to day stuff and get to the big events to me and the importan events to you 

when we hit something that matters to eathor on of us lets stop and discuss it 

now we will keep score  on  some things can we call it even and just cross it out on other things can we find a equal and cross elimanate   once we are done we will see who comes out on top

if i win you let me in 

if you win i have to turn around bend over and let you boot my ass down to hell oh dont worrie sainten aint getting off easy when i walk in the gates of hell im going to be bitching  and whether or not he likes it im going to be trying to help those poor soals like me who just couldnt beleave and there for  mearly existed or in my case tried to do some of that stuff jusus said pertaining to humans 

  for the most part this was  my polacy as long as long as my fellow man dont do nothing to me ill treat him nicely  and have empathy   ill    do somethin to help poor people not just money carring words       ill do a little more to try to help a fue  i usually will lend a ear help people get through hard stuff.    i love kids  i care but im not too great with old people or people with bad learning probablems i did things to better my self and other people   ill give you this if clendlyness is next to godlyness i openly admit most of the time im a half ass to poor house keeper so ill go ahead and give you that one

now jenerally even when somebody does me wrong as long as it dont go on and on i am fairly forgiven

i did clean up my life when i was really not doing right and attemped to appologise to people it may have affected

i care about nature

i want people to be ok

i ohonestly admit it would take a lot for me to forgive the zwicks thay are the some of the coldbloodedist people i have ever met

i truly try to be ohonest   sometimes my ohonest is to a fult

i have a tendency when ive been wronged to point out other peoples faults in a effort to make my self feel better

i try to let people be who thay are and even be understanding if thay dont like me or my way of doing things

ocasionally i lye but never to just hurt sombody  not unless thay have purpously hurt me and its only to show them how it feels   unfortunatly what i have found out is that others people dont get hurt like me or atleast thay sure dont show it

you know i did care about brian and i did want our marrage to work and i did not set out to hurt him in any way shape or form i guyes thats why i cant understand why thay continue to treat me in this way  thay dont even have to outrightly appologise to  me  i have attempted to explain my actions and appologise to brian even attempt to justify his action based on mine but im sorry there comes a time when someones action in retaliation far out weigh the original offence and when it comes to the zwicks i think that point has hit.

if i wash my hands of the current situation for my my sons and my ex husbands sanity i can say this i did all of it to help my son i truly to my heat feel the interaction up to this poin have been for ther good of my son  i do think my son will be used and that thay may be cruel to him possably in the near future i do feel his father is holding him back from life out of selfishness   having said that i now must reolize i am stuck with my ex raising him and if i were to cause his father to see him self for the weekness he is i may cause him to have a mental break down and  that would hurt my son because he loves his father and looks up to him and bursting that bubble  would do more damage than good time will show my son all he needs to know if i cause his father to  have a mental breakdown  my son at this tender age will blame me finding out sad truth bit buy bit is the way most people like it  only i like to be punched in the stomach and get it over with  and get on with my life  he has been told im crazy and he beleaves it if his dad breakes down   what does that leave him with a sense of emptyness  and turning to the wrong people   and none of us want that no matter how much we dont like each othor we all care about him i guyes in our own way  

 so for my sons benifit i will try to pretend his father aint there and that the person in the other room is some cop that was told a bunch of bad stuff about me hes been told im very manipulative dont even talk to me.  he has been told that these visatations only serve the purpous to make me look like a bad person so being rude to her helps  he has been instruted to treat me like garbage so that my son will see me that way and not want anything to do with me anymore that i am to treat brian as death blind and dumb  and that he has pit bull tendencys and if i rattle his cage he will bark me out of the house by his self or using my son  and thats what he wants my son to hurt me or hate me  so thay can finally get rid of me with out bransten getting hurt  so that can play farm disney ever after      i am not play into this i am strong enough to handle this i have handles so much more

i must reolize how vonerable brian and his family must feel that thay are so affraid of me spending one more minute with him  why wasent i that afraid of shannons father  because i knew she didnt want to live with him i knew she was happy with me  i knew he didnt want her that he just wanted to see her

why elts would thay be sceard  thay have delt with sereous mental illness drug issues or drinking and thay  are tarafied because of that persons actions

or thay are so backward that thay cant see that my son would be fine that lots of people have lots of problems and its just life  thay know i ask for help when i need it  thay know i dont hurt kids   thay know i dont put kids down  brian know i pose no danger to him  the danger i pose is to brian and his family    if thay thought life was so great over there and so shitty at my house thay would want him to go and see for him self atleast for a fue  thay might even have brian bring him over here just so he could see how lousey life would be. thay know i will feed him  i have neighbors thay know bransten is in no real danger  thay are afraid he will be happy with me or maby i will take off with him i am too old for that crap i aint going to prison/ live with him on the run thay cant think im that stupid  thay cant possably think i would hurt him  do thay reolize what i went threw just to bring him into this world what i go through emotionally just to see him  what i just paid out to have more time with him  what i am going to be put threw to try to improve our visataions and still may only slightly improve the situation for me   are these people kidding me if anything bad ever happened to him at my house or because of me i would go crazy     that leaves brian who has not put all that much effort in  he did at first but what now does he rilly offer bransten funny faces a farm 

[fairytyperocks]

omg i cant deal with seeing so much poilitcal stuff anymore

yes i know nasty cheesto asshole man is bad and im very very very veryev scered of what him just being in a place of power is gonne do to everyhtng

but i just cant handle seeing it talked about so much its just there is nothing i can do about it and the less i think about it the happer i will be i know that sound stupid since not thinking about it wont make it go away but im just gettting so stressed now i cant deal

i would just stop being on tumblr for a while but im just not sure i can its such a big part of my day idk what else i would do and i cant ask the people i follow to stop rebloging potical stuff thats not fair and idk if i can just black list it all

if i could just retreat from everything from reality for the next few years i would