#im trying to find myself and who i am but theres so much confusion

[ghoulodont]

ok i want to make just one post about my thoughts & intentions from my latest fic. based on the tags/comments you all left it seems that overall everyone understood me. but theres one additional piece that i think i didnt represent well because its confusing, and that maybe would be hard to pick up on anyway because, again, its confusing.

i think dew is both aware and in denial in a way that might seem contradictory. he claims to know something is wrong, and that he knows it more than anyone else, but he rejects rains urging for him to actually address the problem. i suppose you could read it as him being deceptive in some way but i wanted him to be very very honest. he is genuinely struggling to wrap his head around these seemingly contradictory thoughts.

my intention was for this to parallel what i perceive to be an inherently contradictory aspect of psychosis. because what youre experiencing feels real to you, it sort of feels normal. it feels like something happening outside you. compare it to anxiety, for example -- both can be distressing experiences out of your control but anxiety is something that happens inside you (perhaps in reaction to external events, but the anxiety itself is yours), while psychosis, generally speaking, feels like it belongs to the outside world. in reality its an experience that isnt shared by others but it really feels like it is, or that it could be. maybe this is sort of obvious based on the definition of psychosis but i feel like just considering the definition doesnt quite do it justice.

and because it feels like it belongs to the outside world it can be challenging to confidently distinguish between things that are real to everyone and things that are real only to you. some external reality checking logic needs to be applied. again, maybe this is obvious. i guess what i really am trying to lead up to is how in this dichotomy between sensory experience and logic, its so hard to not believe your sensory experience, in a sort of lizard brain screaming at you way. it just makes so much more sense if your experience matches reality than to jump through a bunch of hoops reminding yourself why it doesnt. occams razor says you dont have schizophrenia.

this experience, which at its extreme would mean being unable to tell that you're unwell, is considered a core dimension of schizophrenia. people who get really medical and scientific with it will say its because of something happening in the brain (isnt everything?) but i think what i described above fully explains it. its confusing, so it makes sense to be confused.

honestly i think this adds to the conflict, that providers can be very quick to doubt your description of your own experience because they try to correct for this "blindness". its dehumanizing to be viewed this way. i really think it makes everything worse by playing into the "split" between ones thoughts and reality. i find myself not wanting to share things if i know im going to be argued with, and then by pulling away im losing one more point of contact with the outside world.

but besides all that i do think for dew theres an aspect of just plain denial & avoidance as well. a good 20% of the original blur turns to haze fic was about how miserable it is to take antipsychotics but it was mostly focused on the side effects. in my experience even once you find one where the side effects are tolerable its still unpleasant. in the same way antidepressants might cause you to feel somewhat emotionally blunted antipsychotics are like that x1000. they really do feel like a drug you give someone to make them shut up. maybe thats just me.

anyway, this is something i want to focus on in chapter 4 of you will die again...... which i am totally working on. i would be curious to know if this aligns with how you read the fic or not but no pressure of course

#idk if im explaining it well. its really really hard to describe #i feel like im forgetting something i just ended up kind of talking in a direction #anyway the experience that made me understand this was feeling like people are looking at me in public #obviously its normal for people to glance at other people so thats fine #but if im having this particular symptom i will notice multiple people in multiple situations stare at me for an unusual duration #the kind of way that makes you think did i forget to put clothes on or something #i always check to make sure i look the same as normal #maybe that doesnt explain it either but i never used to experience anything like that

[glitchdollmemoria]

preemptive warning for discussion of violence, abuse, and sexual assault in the links ahead

one of the many frustrating parts of schizospec paranoia is that, when it comes to more realistic fears, it gets hard to tell whats The Mental Illness and whats actually justified, at least to a degree. people with schizospec disorders are more likely to be the victims of violence, with some estimates claiming those with schizophrenia are 14x more likely to be victims of violent crimes than they are to commit violent crimes and twice as likely as the general public to be victims of violent crimes, and people with "severe mental illnesses" overall have been repeatedly reported to be at a much higher risk of being the victim of violence.

when you account for other factors which can put an individual at further risk of violence and abuse - physical and intellectual disabilities, race, gender, sexuality, or religion for example - you can easily see that theres plenty of fuel for persecutory fears.

when you account for the fact that schizospec disorders, especially their paranoid symptoms, can be exacerbated and even partially caused by trauma such as being the victim of abuse, and the revictimization rate for victims of such mistreatment, even more fuel is clearly being added. schizospec symptoms can easily mesh with symptoms of ptsd, resulting in paranoid fears that are, to some degree, based in factual events in a persons life.

so, with the way schizospec disorders muddle up our thought processes, it becomes especially difficult to know whether our fears are based in any form of fact or not. i experience fears that people are obsessively attracted to me, because ive been mistreated by past partners and by those who i wasnt involved with like that but who still took their own feelings for me too far. its difficult for me to discern whether people are actually attracted to me, and wanting to harm me because of it, or if its all just my synapses misfiring. i simultaneously have a constant feeling that the people around me are scared of me or see me as less than a person, and are therefore planning on causing me immediate harm or working behind the scenes to ruin my life, but these fears draw on actual experiences of being told im scary or pitiful or lesser, having people actually make efforts to hurt me in one way or another, so on and so forth. i am not the only one experiencing this, im confident.

and then you factor in the fact that those of us with schizospec disorders are most often socially isolated to some degree - the dsm even lists social isolation and difficulty maintaining close relationships to be a symptom of schizotypal personality disorder, for one thing i remember off the top of my head. were seen as strange, unnerving, unnatural, our behaviors are abnormal, we dont connect with others the way we "should", we communicate in confusing ways. every day i feel as if i have an aura emanating off of me that other "normal" people can sense, that tells them im a threat. and so it becomes increasingly difficult for us to find support, for our symptoms, or for the aftermath of discrimination and violence. we often arent truly "people" in the eyes of non schizospecs, rather were psychos, crazies, potential killers. we become collateral damage, acceptable targets. and it becomes easy to brush off our concerns for our own safety, because its more convenient to chalk things up to us just being delusionally paranoid rather than putting in the effort to actually examine the situation and the facts of how dangerous life is for mentally ill people.

i know that my thinking is disorganized here, and im doing the "flowery language" thing because its a serious topic and its hard to put into more succinct terms than dancing around what im saying. so i hope that what im trying to say is actually coming across clearly. my point is that im tired of second guessing myself and never knowing whether my fears of persecution are based in fact or not, and im tired of the social isolation that comes with this shit. im tired of feeling like if anything happens to me its going to be brushed off as just symptoms and not a real problem that matters to anyone except me

EDIT 8/19/2023: because i got reminded of this old post, i want to add that since posting this ive realized i also have npd. usually i keep my npd talk to a side blog because im not super comfortable talking about my symptoms on main, but i do want to add the clarification that the paranoia i talk about in this post is ALSO very very heavily tied to my npd in addition to my being schizospec. and in a way that makes me feel even more vulnerable, because people with npd tend to be villainized and treated as if our problems are just exaggerations to get attention. so when you combine the stigma against both conditions... its fucking rough out here, idk what else to say.

#rape cw #sa cw #abuse cw #violence cw #ableism cw #schizospec #schizo spectrum #schizophrenia #stpd #schizotypal #schizotypal personality disorder #schizoafective #schizoid #schizoid personality disorder #szpd #i feel like i remember hearing that theres a bit more of a distinction with szpd from the others i tagged #but im also pretty sure its schizospec? it has the schiz part. so #feel free to correct me #mental heath awareness #menhera

[nerdygaymormon]

hello! o/ im a queer teenager from canada! i lead my highschool's gsa and am very active in the queer community around us. we raised $800 for the Trevor Project last year, raised $500 towards a chest binder breakroom at our school and are officially putting on the school's first all-age queer prom this may!

however, im very confused at the moment. i grew up in an atheist household and have never really found myself believing in God or anything religious. while i still dont think i believe ALL of it, lately ive been doing a lot of thinking after finding an old pocket bible that belonged to my great grandmother (she practically raised me but i never knew she was religious, she never mentioned it at all) and flipping through it and reading her flagged scriptures (i believe thats what theyre called, forgive me if im wrong), etc.

i then resorted to the internet and have been doing a bit of research and am now very conflicted about my feelings and beliefs. i now have moments where i genuinely believe there is something/someone divine out there. i find myself... almost talking to it, sometimes? i dont really know how to describe it. i even tried praying the other day for the first time in my life. (i probably didnt do it right if theres a proper way, but the point is i did it and i surprised myself.)

even though i have these moments, i still have times where i doubt it all. aside from the occasional joke, ive always done my best to be respectful of people's faith, but never saw myself believing until now. and when i say believe, like i said before, it isnt all of it. (like the creation of the world, etc)

i feel sort of fake in a way i dont know how to describe because of my conflicted feelings and how i dont believe everything. there are a lot of things i want to say about it but i really cant pull words from the emotions and i keep trying to. i also dont really have anyone in my life who i can talk to about this stuff. my family will not take me seriously and none of my friends and teachers are religious.

i dont know if you take asks like this, and its totally fine if you dont, but if you have any kind of advice it would be greatly appreciated.

sorry for the long ask, but thanks so much! hope youre having a wonderful day my friend 🤍

Congratulations for all you accomplish for queer students at your school! That's amazing!!!

That you find some aspects with religion resonates with you shouldn't be surprising or upsetting. Humans have been creating and practicing religions since before there was recorded history. There seems to be a need that is satisfied by religion.

In a broad sense, religion does 3 thing:

1. It provides an explanation for natural phenomena. Why is the ground shaking? Why did the sun go dark temporarily? Why is there a drought? Why is dad sick? Why did a hurricane pummel New Orleans?

2. Religions provide meaning to life. Religion provides answers for what is the purpose of life and what happens when we die. Religions are a vehicle for passing along the wisdom from past generations from hundreds and thousands of years ago.

3. Religion helps humans build community and encourages cooperation among those who believe. Religious belief also helps people develop self-discipline. Unfortunately, religions also have been used to define who is in a community and who is not, and this has led to a lot of harm and even wars

Beyond all these macro reasons, religion is experienced at the individual level. An individual prays and receive comfort and answers and feels a larger entity cares about them. Their faith gives them a purpose. They have a community that is meaningful in their lives. This is part of the truth of their lived experience and can't be easily quantified. It's what makes religion still relevant in the lives of many people today

[did-system-did]

Long Thoughts

I feel like a ghost of who I used to be.

I thought the more effort I put into healing, processing, accepting, and integrating the less I would have to deal with the symptoms of DiD. The less I would have to worry about being different.

Somehow with age, its gotten harder. I thought it would be the opposite. I idealized a future where I could just be one, have a better memory, and retain information better. I wanted that future so badly. Maybe its still possible and I'm just prematurely discouraged, but it was so much easier B.D (before discovery).

Yeah, it was chaotic and embarrassing and all the things you can imagine from an unknowingly traumatized little girl. It was easier back then to just write off my behavior as being weird. I was just the weird, rambunctious, unpredictable little girl, pre-teen, teenager, young woman. And truthfully, I found comfort in the idea that everyone lived that way.

Leaving the emotional distress aspect out of it, I thought everyone had multiple voices and memory gaps and drastic identity changes and internal conflict with identity. So I just lived my life. I was more unstable, but I was significantly happier even through the manic/depressive episodes. It was easier to write it off as "this is just part of life!". My system worked for me.

Finding out that I'm separate from the internal family that raised me was terrifying, embarrassing, yet liberating. Terrifying because the voices I came to be familiar with weren't a norm like i thought, embarrassing because i realized the horrible, mean, weird, chaotic things i've done around people wasnt a dream but actually real life; and liberating because i spent years trying to understand the complex experience i was having and finally cracked the surface.

It was an intense discovery.

Months and a couple years later i was extremely motivated to get to the bottom of my disorder, come to terms with what happened to me, and grow as an individual. Being aware of switches was harder than being unaware, because the latter meant that those days or memories were processed as dreams or separate from reality so i have nothing to worry about. Now knowing that I'm being ripped out of my mind and body made me more erratic when it came to time and how i spent it. I wanted to prevent switches so i could live my life more.

Almost 4 years A.D, i feel... defeated. I have lived my life a certain way since childhood filled with switching, beautiful chaos, and recklessness. It was full of rambunctious people taking care of me, laughing with me, helping me with tests, saying jokes only we can hear, talking to me out loud while i wear headphones walking home from school, protecting me, and just making me feel like someone was there for me. Although it was a confusing time, i was happy. My system made me happy.

That's something i have never admit to anyone, not even my husband who is in full support and knowledge of my disorder. But growing up and until discovery, my system was one whom i, for the most part, could trust.

It's just harder now. When you're a kid theres more freedom for weird behavior, but at 24 years old i would be called crazy.

I'm not crazy, im traumatized. I'm severely torn apart and my brain led the otherwise impossible task of gluing me back together. I spent time in psych wards and crisis houses. I lived in my car and got fired from jobs. I struggle heavily because the way my brain formed itself to live isnt one that fits where i am anymore. And yet, I still need them to feel like myself.

Its painful to accept that because for so long I just wanted to be me. But I'm seeing now that its already been done. This is my brain. This isnt the type of disorder you can medicate away. My brain put itself together in this way to survive and the more i try to make my days quiet and free from my system, the sadder I've become.

This is my sign to take a different approach and be more accepting of the system who helped save my life.

It'll be hard, but i want to be happy.

#host #hostxtommy #rant #long thoughts #dissociative identity disorder #actuallydid #endos dni

[nadianova]

hey i'm making my first VN in ren'py because of your work and I was wondering how much of the text for your games do you write for the first time in the engine? do you write in an external word processor or just do it right there? i'm trying to get a feel for a workflow

first of all good luck and im happy to hear i inspired you! visual novels are a good and accessible way to make your own story i truly believe that.

i think the workflow for htis kind of stuff heavily ends up just being personal preference. everyone who ive heard talking about this does it differently so theres clearly no right or wrong and its more about finding what works for you best.

but that being said what works for me is that i tend to make a little discord server for myself and create a tab for my project and just save pictures or text snippets taht i like just for inspiration. i might wake up in the middle of hte night to write some couple lines down if i thought of a cute interaction i want to include. but basically just gathering reference and inspiration weeks before i even bother opening up google docs and do any real writing.

after that when its actually the time to write i just start throwing everything i have in google docs and write chronologically though sometimes i might jump a bit if i really am feeling inspired to write a horny scene or osmething and hten come back to connecting it to the story later on lol. i include the character who is speaking and try to put all dialogue in to quotation marks for easy transfer later on. but for bigger chunks of text like narration i just let it be a big block and afterwards i split it into appropriate text box fitting sizes when i am moving it into renpy and adding all the code part like what background and sprites to show etc. i tend to leave a lot of comments like ##add door sound here or ##add sprite of this expression here cause i dont wanna interrupt the flow of putting the text in and then come back to finish the scene later on with hte other aspects.

at that point if im working in renpy i most likely wont bother touching google docs anymore since its annoying to have two versions of my script and i just write everything directly in renpy at that point

but yeah even this feels like a simplification in truth its a lot more messy and i always end up with situations where i confuse myself cuase im doing things in a weird order or have two scripts that have slight variations cause other is in renpy and other is in google docs lmfao

though i think the biggest thing is that if you write in google docs with the intent to move it over to renpy later i think trying to write with clear consistent manner will make it easier to transfer it over later on. there is some trickery you can do to make it even more easier but ive always done it manually in the past..

#this isnt a guide or anything just my messy process

[transdib]

i feel like this year has been a huge bust mentally

i didnt wanna be like this still by christmas, let alone the new year

i dont want it to become march and im still like this, a whole year since moving by then.

but i can feel myself improving, funny enough.

ive spent a lot of this time in despair and grief, and i was giving myself a time limit on those feelings. which made me unable to meet my own expectations, which made me recede and become unable to challenge myself, because i wsa constantly setting myself up for failure to begin with. it feels impossible to do a challenge youre already failing before you begin.

and i have been self aware this whole time too, having that logical part of me talk me through it all. i can look back at myself almost in a third person, as ive always done, and see all the connections as to why im feeling and therefore behaving this way.

so instead of sitting around punishing myself, ive been /trying/ to tell myself theres no time limit on adjustment, and that i am strong enough to pull through. even if i come out of this being disliked. ive put so much energy into being anxious about what people think of me, that ive caused my own cycle of not being able to face it.

i have been acutely aware this whole time that others can only do so much for me, and in the end the only person who can change my situation is me. for me to find that inner strength to do that.

i feel like a lot of the noise has quietened down now. because i had to suddenly grapple with not only accepting my old life was changing, but that i had to suddenly build up a brand new life from scratch with very little support. but the life building in england is finally feeling...like i can do it. things feel less confusing and daunting, the roads feel less scary to navigate, i know where to go for what i need now, and ive been falling into daily routines again. which i didnt have when i first arrived. it's like my roots are finally burying in. and thats making incorporating my aussie roots back into my life feel a bit more doable.

i WANT to have voice chats with friends, or have a casual hello. i dont want to be like this. having a twisted tummy and palpitating heart every time i see a new notification on my phone. i havent even cleared my notif bar on my phone for months, out of fear of seeing a message i havent checked from so long ago. there is so much literal and mental clutter. and i want to be free of all of these notifs and emails etc. its not anyones fault but mine. i WANT to be more engaged, i feel homesick and miss everyone. and i HATE that those feelings dominate my behaviour, and how EASY it is to fall into a self fulfilling prophecy. i hate how it makes me a neglectful friend and family member.

but, with therapy, and settling into my life here. i think i can slowly work my way up to getting over all of this. i really. really. REALLY. fucking want to. i want to draw again, i want to learn how to sculpt, i want to be involved in peoples lives again. because right now, im finding it hard to even humour the idea of making friends here in the uk, because of how guilty that would make me feel, and how not ready i am to make new connections, especially cuz i would rather reinforce connection with existing people in my life.

again. self fulfilling. all that does is make me continue to be lonely.

but as i said, it's slowly getting better. i feel bad about how negative ive been all this time. i just want people to know that, in regards to my relationship, i AM happy. and i know that 10 years from now im going to look back on all of this with evren and go "fuck man that was a lot huh"

you cant hate yourself into loving yourself, and thats something that has kept my spark going, even when it's been one bad thought away from fizzling out.

im trying to be easier on myself. i know that all of this can exist at the same time as me having negative effects on others (which i guess is just an assumption to begin with) and i am not immune to causing that damage. but honestly? right now in this moment, im trying to give myself some compassion and lenience. because ive spent years and years feeling anxious and being hyper vigilant about my behaviour and how i affect others, that i have barely taken the time to consider myself and be healthy and strong in my core self. as they say, assume the best unless told otherwise. thats going to be a goal of mine. i always assume good intentions from people, even to a detriment, so i hope to take that view and shape it into a healthier outlook. maybe not everyone has their best intentions or insight, but i think overall people are just trying. god, in this goddamn fucked up world, all we can do is try.

and thats why i need to be more lenient.

sorry for all the tangents and sloppy execution. im probably in the acceptance stage of grief atm lmao, and im tired of being like this.

#life of doge #negative but also positive idk

[starry622]

hello, im oliver, or v for short. i am 20 years old, bodily. im an artist, a dog, and the host of a system.

ive got bpd, hpd, dpd, and schizophrenia, all of which, of course, affect the system. my biggest psychotic symptom is that of clinical lycanthropy and cynanthropy, which you will see reflected often on this blog (especially under the tag #clinical zoanthropy). i cant effectively be reality checked, at least in this regard, so dont even try it. more info on this under the cut. :]

im very into social justice, mogai/liom, art, and general fandom stuff

i now have a somewhat stable home, but i still take donations, as i lost my job last month and currently have no way to make any money besides commissions and donations. i work hard every day applying to every job i can possibly find, following up on applications, and getting interviews, but that does not fund the cost of living in the meantime. im working to put up a commissions carrd (that will also function as a mini portfolio), though i will still be taking commissions before the carrd is finalized. i havent had a meal in a week, so i could really use the money, if anyone is willing to help.

if you need a dni, my basic boundaries are that proshippers, pro-contact harmful paraphiles, and radqueers dont interact. i do, however, have a byf, which is on my carrd (linked below)

my personal carrd is here: [link]

my commission carrd is: still unfinished

my cashapp is: $Starry622

do be warned, my tumblr webtheme (starry622.tumblr.com) is not safe for those who are sensitive to flashing or eyestrain. there is no necessary info on my webtheme, so you will not ever have to visit it for any reason.

for more zoanthropy info: my body can morph and change to become more canine-like, and it can go through certain stages. human-> boy with canine features -> full canine (with the regular animal anatomy) or werecanine (more like a hollywood werewolf) and my transformations can cause pain and discomfort, though i mostly just feel fur sprouting and my organs shifting. my mind is that of a humans, however my soul and dna are that of a canines.

i dont really know what a p-shifter is, but i guess you could call me one? i dont think shifting is something you can learn anyways and i cant control it, so i feel like most people either can or cant shift. theres always exceptions to the rule, however, not that i would be teaching anyone how, especially because that seems like a dangerous move for all involved parties. plus, i dont even know how i do it, i just do, so id be useless for that.

i dont know what the deal is and why i am both a wolf and a dog, and my identity as a whole is definitely more dog, all i know is that its me. thats why i use canine instead of specific dog or wolf when speaking generally, because "dog or wolf" is a mouthful.

i dont identify with the word human, but its easier to explain that way. i am more a person. my brain is and stays that of a sentient, sapient person living in a human society. im culturally human, you could say.

rarely, ill have short-ish bouts where i am a different animal, usually on top of being a canine, which confuses me, but i choose to go with the flow about it. if i think too too much about it, im afraid ill confuse myself more than just suddenly becoming a lagothrope/kounanthrope (family including rabbits, bunnies, hares) and accepting it until its over. i dont know what those little bouts are about, and i kinda dont wanna know!

i identify with my diagnosed clinical label simply because i experience a lot of double bookkeeping (i believe thats what its called). im aware of myself in some ways, and see how others see me alongside how i see myself. this is also exactly why reality checking doesnt work on me. i am aware of my symptoms, and i believe the delusions and semi-rare hallucinations that act as proof of my true self. my experience is constant clashing in that way, like i can see more than everyone else, but it rarely causes a problem, and so i go with it. no use fighting it. im a lazy dog, if youll forgive the pun.

#pinned post #pin #yippee yippee new pinned post!! #hooray yahoo #woohoo wahoo #anyways hello and welcome #or welcome back #shrug emoji

[alliumcola]

Our life is pretty detached from the outside , whether that be the literal outdoors or just the outside world . When i do slip out though , and waste time running through grass and taking pictures of bugs and feeding the ducks and watering the garden , i feel happy !!

not complete though . Theres always this horrid guilt itching at me that i’m wasting time and need to be doing smth productive . That im MEANT to be doing something else and i’m actively ruining things by not understanding what yet .

But whenever i accomplish things or when i fight to win something or reach some big milestone, the feeling still never wavers . Nothing feels like its “THE BIG REASON” i’m here .

i think thats why stuff like learning all the medical terms n whatnot of being a system scared me so bad . There were all these roles and terms and symptoms and it felt so dehumanizing . i spent so much time trying to figure ME out but instead of introspecting on myself for who as i am as a person or what i believe in or what i like, i just kept trying to force labels onto myself and see if i could live up to it , but thats just NOT what a person is . People dont HAVE purposes or BIG REASONS to be alive .

i dont think that feeling applies to just being an alter though . Just existing in general , as a person , the weight of expectations to live out to be smth is so crushing that its hard to even begin crafting an identity from it . I still dont know why im here ( as though anyone knows why they are ) but i’m gonna stop trying to push so much on myself bcos i’m here whether i understand it or not - So i might as well try and just do things that make me happy !!

maybe thats who i am . just some messy ball of confusion and happiness trying to find its shape

[pansyfemme]

if u don’t mind me asking, for how long you’ve been an artist? like do you draw since u were a kid? cause i see your art (which is incredible btw) and i wonder how long does it take to develop your own art style yk? your art is full of detail and character and i immediately recognize it’s yours

i’m 18 now and i love to draw but don’t have much time to do it, it’s not something i can fully focus on (thanks to capitalism aha) and i’m afraid i’m too old to try and start making my own art and develop my own characteristics/style/process :/

sorry if this ask is too much or too confusing but i truly love seeing ur art on my dash and i thought maybe u can give some advice?

Ok this is gonna be a bit of a length answer, im sorry in advance! but first off- thank you sososo much it really means a lot!! i rlly appricate ur kind words!

but to answer your inital question- i was raised in a very art positive household. My mother's a very skilled landscape watercolorist who studied art in college (though doesnt work as an artist) , and my father is a music/theatre critic, so i grew up going to lots of art shows and gallery opening and art stuff in general, and my parents were always very supportive of any art ive ever done. My brother is an artist too, mostly an oil painter these days, but he started drawing out the womb basically, massivly talented since he was very small. I was super jealous as a kid, but didn't decide i wanted to try being an artist until i was around 10 or so- when it kind of took over for my life for a while. My first few years of art were wildly productive, i was drawing every second of every day. I was going thru a really tough time emotionally and was horribly bullied at school, so it was a big comfort to me at the time. however, at around age 12, where my mental health became incredibly bad, i stopped nearly altogether for a while, never quite getting back to it until a year or so later. It took me a while to get my love for it back, but i did, and it became what it was for me again, i've been keeping a daily drawing practice for nearly four years now, since then. It's really not linear, though.

Finding a good growth pattern is a combonation of things. my art improves much faster when i take time to do the things that feel more like chores or stress my brain out- studies and life drawings and attempting to understand space, but those activities can make me lose motivation. the trick is to balance "work" art with "pleasure" art, to be able to retain the joy in creating while also activly learning new skills. Art can be a really stressful hobby to have, it's very easy to burn out or to get stuck in patterns of creation that dont progress you as much as you hope. Back in the day, i used to fucking hate drawing backgrounds, they made me horribly angry and frustated to draw, so i ignored them. Little did i know, i was setting myself up for a much more frustrating time when i wanted to draw backgrounds later on. I think that's what's difficult about learning a skill, especially when it's one where so much of it is self-taught. It's genuinly hard to understand which areas to start with and where to work more on. I don't personally think theres a certain skill level required for a given idea, getting an idea out 'badly' is better than waiting till you improve and forgetting it. It's just that artists tend to be heavily self critical, and so sometimes when something turns out 'badly' it's hard to resist the urge to just tear it up as soon as possible.

as for age, there is no age limit to this. there is no age that it's better to start- beginner artists come from all different places. It's fantastic you want to try this at all! it's something that brings me so much joy, and i am elated when others want to try it out! I have met artists who have started from so many different points in their lives- there is no corrolation between age and art skill, it's heavily dependant from artist to artist. as for developing an art style, it's something that comes with time spent, and i know that sucks to hear bc it did when i was starting out and thought i'd never find a style, but a style is simply one part of a vast range of creation- you do not have to settle down anytime soon. A consistant style in fact, is not very relevant outside of particular contexts. You see it a lot in illustration, where an artist is often chosen for a job based on a style, but when it comes to other fields of art, versitility and being able to stay away from things looking consistant is a huge skill! it's heavily dependant.

I really wish you luck- i know its hard to start out! it was extremly frustrating for me, but it's something that's brought me a lot of joy over the years- and i hope it does something similar for you.

[vividaway]

I know it doesn't have any relation to the trial now, but was JD really racist? Or homophobic or transphobic? I'm totally on his side and knowing this won't change my stance but I'm curious. I can't find anything that suggests this. I just wanted to ask because you seemed to know. I hope this doesn't come off as disingenuous, I just wanted to get it clarified. Sorry to bother you, have a good day!

(will be reblogging to address the other claims, this one got long because i'm very passionate about educating)

hi, i'd like to try to answer this with as much proof as i can, as i do feel the statements made are NOT ACCURATE to reality.

i first want to start off by saying you arent a bother AT ALL. this is a very good question, and its one that is a bit more complicated than that.

theres the accusation that Depp threatened black peoples lives. this is unfathomably untrue, and i cant believe that i got AS TWISTED AS IT DID. i've linked an explanation before, as it couldnt have be explained more clearly.

Depp was drinking. the "shot" is a shot of alcohol. its very blatant once you know the context.

now, lets talk about the native american claim. as someone who is indigenous, its something i think we SHOULD talk about.

in the past, johnny has claimed to be (i am ASSUMING, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE CORRECT ME IF I AM WRONG) a mixed cherokee, and i only assume this based on how the media portrayed his claims.

this is a hill i will DIE ON as a cherokee. MIXED CHEROKEE'S EXIST. my families has tries to the blackfoot cherokee specifically, AND THIS IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE-- THEY ARE NOT A TRIBE.

a LOT of indigenous people were subject to the cruelest tortures well after we "gained our rights" in america. we were subject to forced sterilization at late at the early 80's, and native children were taken off of their tribes by the government and adopted out to white families.

Now, this is very VERY TRICKY. because you are actively apart of a white family. this lead to a TON OF WHITE PEOPLE claiming "they were apart of the blackfoot-cherokee tribe" and this lead to the demonization of the term.

due to this, a LOT and i mean A. LOT. of native people grew up not knowing they were native. this lead to a whole generation of people who do not know their native heritage because they didnt grow up in it. some of my cousins identify as blackfoot cherokee, (my great grandfather was blackfoot) and thats the sole reason WHY blackfoot-cherokee exists. as a label for those who DO know their heritage.

personally, i dont see myself as blackfoot cherokee. i TECHNICALLY am, but i actively realize that if i were to join a tribe, i would have to "pick a side". this leads to a ton of confusion for people who GENUINELY GREW UP WITH THEIR PARENTS FROM TWO DIFFERENT TRIBES.

these people grew up WITH BOTH CULTURES. they grew up hearing stories from BOTH tribes. they grew up actively participating in their heritage, and this is all seen as "a waste" because they identify as blackfoot-cherokee. there are actually MANY MANY conferences that people who GENIUNELY learned from both tribes due to their parents AND grandparents, and speak out to spread awareness that blackfoot-cherokee isnt a tribe, but a mixed culture. its simply when two different people meet, and create a kid.

now, all of this explanation IS IMPORTANT. because not only has depp claimed to be cherokee or creek, he was fucking 'adopted' by the comanche nation chairmen in new mexico. (im not sure the legitimacy of said adoption but i still find it very cool)

either way, he IS an honorary member of the comanche nation tribe. not just that, but his explanation OF his native american history matches the timeline of those whom were forcefully kidnapped from their homes and adopted out and those who were forcefully kidnapped from their homes and put into "boarding schools" (where they taught native that their culture and heritage was BAD, and that they were to act like white people.) i UNDERSTAND why it is so controversial for him to mention him being mixed tribe, especially without proper certification. but he of all people would know his history.

he even has a tattoo for his great grandmother, whom he was very proud of.

people quote a blog that has no validity, has broken links, and most of the links they DO have are to other blogs with no validity to them in an attempt to "disprove" that he's cherokee. they link people who arent related to johnny, and its all a big stretch to try to prove he's "lying".

WHY IS THIS RELEVANT?

because johnny depp has been accused of misappropriating native american culture, time and time again.

so with all of this, do YOU think johnny was racist?

#johnny depp

[jaywasstolenx]

ive been rlly confused latley, see my family is religous so its not rlly a question but it is for me ive never liked a guy but i call myself straight ive liked a girl an theres a girl at my school that makes my heart beat like crazy but i still call myself straight do i like her or is she just that pretty i mean at this point i dont know so the queston im asking ig is how do ik if i like girls.

-Aubrey

hey Aubrey, thanks for reaching out and ill be happy to answer your question. Figuring out your sexual orientation can be confusing, but it's okay not to have all the answers and talk to others! Exploring your feelings about these ideas and learning from other's experiences can help you grow into a more confident and at-ease version of yourself, whatever that turns out to be.

you sound like you might have a crush on a said girl but this is just from my perspective, please mind that. Feelings of affection can be confusing, especially if you don’t have much experience with romance. If you find yourself stressing out about whether you like a girl you know. try To figure things out, and pay close attention to your feelings and body language. If you like her, there’s a good chance that you’re showing signs of it. and it sounds like you are from the "she makes my heart beat like crazy" and calling her pretty. from my personal experience here are some things to look out for to see if you like her: do you think about them when you’re apart? does being around them makes you feel good? are you nicer to her than other people? do you get butterflies when you see them? (seems like you do but I may be wrong)? do you find that you stare at them? do you get nervous around them? and with the sexuality part, you said that you call yourself straight but you think you might like this girl in your class who makes your heart beat like crazy. By telling me this, you might be bisexual, meaning you are or could be attracted to more than one gender or to both men and women romantically or sexually. you don't have to have liked a guy to be this. and if you later feel that I only like girls and that you can identify as a lesbian, someone who has a sexual or romantic attraction to other women. I'm sorry I didn't respond until now with this but I've been trying to find suitable words to say and help. speaking from my experience I am unlabeled but for simplicity's sake, I just say I'm a gay trans man. which I am. if you have any other questions id be happy to answer or try to.

[transmeds]

A little explanation of what the split attraction model is like, at least for me because I can't talk on anyone else's experiences

So I am strictly asexual. I've never felt sexually attracted to anyone or found certain bodies or body parts sexually attractive, and always found the idea of that being attractive in that way rather confusing. It's simply not an experience I have.

However I am very much not aromatic. I am in a romantic polyamorous relationship and love my partners to bits. I regularly fantasize about spending time together, finding myself thinking about how much I love traits they have, dreaming about getting married together and spending my life with them. I love them so much.

But I still don't experience sexual attraction. I've been with all of them for over half a year, and one I've known since we where both young teens. I've never found any of them sexually attractive or thought 'hm I really want to do sexual things with this person!' About them or anything like that.

That is an example of why the split attraction model is useful. It's not to confuse people. It is so people like me have words to describe what our experiences and orientation are because we didn't have anything that fit before.

except that thats not really something that needs to exlained and it really isnt important. i am also "asexual" never felt sexual attraction to anyone, but im sure as hell romantically into men. i am gay. thts all. if theres some other deeper issue between why we dnt feel sexual attraction doesn't matter, what matters is that there is absolutely no point to the label for someone who is romantically attracted to people. like!! no one except ur partner cares or gives a shit or needs to know n even then "allosexual" ppl can also abstain from sex.

the idea that you separate your sexuality based on desire to have sex is so fucking weird! no one cares or needs to know + for all of history any "/sexual" like bisexual, heterosexual, homosexual, has never been a strictly about sexual attraction word. homosexuals have pure love for their partners and to say that homosexual is abour sexual attraction is no different from any homophobic who thinks homosexual love is dirty. asexuals started the "-sexual" being strictly sexual asexuals started the!"-romantic" its so reductive and ignores that love is more complex and private than people try to make it. it just hurts lgbt people and takes away from our words and experiences. romantic and sexual love are often so tightly intertwined that i dont even know if you can truly separate them in the first place.

anyways anything that supports "homosexual biromantic" or whatever isn't useful and is made to confuse people. it doesn't change because its abt asexual vs bisexual like it is still harmful to say someone is less bisexual because they dont wanna fuck women. ur not asexual if ur romantically attracted to ppl, asexual has never been about strictly sexual attraction.

#even if they were separate labels one would be entirely pointless like labels exist mostly to explain what you are and convey a thing abt #urself.. absolutely no one needs to know you only fuck women even tho u date men too

[liminalnafaza]

life seems so dull, and pointless. my demons are my biggest obstacles. i cant get over myself, and im sabotaging my own life experience

i just wonder how much longer i can bear to exist, if it means to live without passion and happiness. i feel like i watch the world go by, without relating or understanding it. the want to do anything is so little. i do the bare minimum, to survive. what i dislike the most is the awareness of my own potential and power, and the fear which keeps me away from myself. im held back by an ocean of anxieties, and i feel like by the time i learn how to swim and gain strenght to cross the waters, i will be old and weak, and it wont matter no more

i wonder how long it will take...im getting impatient, im getting bored, im getting tired of pretending that i want to live- when all i do is just pretend, sometimes to the point where i cant tell it apart from being authentic

i dont know who i am and noone can tell me but me. god seems far away, and unwilling to help me- at least directly.

i reread old messages where i felt passion and love. i get even more confused about my path. my shadow made me lose people i love, and made me lose the love inside of myself in the first place. now i feel like i cant even access it, i cant get excited about anything, everything seems lived-through enough times already. is there anything left to impress me?

my body is getting weak, both from my mental and physical illnesses.

it seems like i always lived for others, and i found the motivation through them. especially through romantic partners. they were a motivation for me to live. now i see that im the only one who can save myself, as the infatuation phase wont last forever, and as living for others is no option neither. i dont think that i could have been kept alive through that relationship forever, right? its still haunting me, and i feel so alone in all of it. i try to carefully construct my life into pieces, like a puzzle, and i feel like its too vast for me to keep it together- yet if it falls to the ground, it needs to be assembled anew again. i feel like this is what awaits me, a tabula rasa, and i am here: bed ridden, weak, depressed, with no will or idea who i am and who i want to be. im molded of guilt for hurting others, for the mistakes i did, for the fact that i cannot stand up for myself, for all the fear that i live with, all the anxiety. and i am to reconstruct an entire puzzle? i am tired, and yet i am pushed to act as if im not. i feel like im living such a normal life, but theres little to identify with. at least its making me look like a put together person, to some degree. if it were up to me, id be doing nothing all day long- as im doing now. shadow and spiritual work also seems too demanding, and i fear that i cannot grow if i dont continue it.

i wonder if ill ever feel found and okay, if ill ever feel like this life of mine makes sense, and if ill find at least one thing to do which i actually want to do.

[cybermeep]

as much as i don’t know what its like to be a house, as i’m a living breathing being and houses are generally not portrayed in those ways, i still believe i can adequately understand and comprehend the hurt one must feel when it gets demolished or abandoned. yes, a house can’t feel pain— or can it? maybe not in the way we see pain as through nerve receptors or neural cords, but pain in that this was something once utilized for shelter, now being left as rubble and ruin for something else to take its place.

i have something to do, but i really don’t want to do it. if i do decide to do it, i’ll be afraid that i’ve lost the one thing which shows even the most minuscule of physical record of the fact i’ve existed. lost the one thing which holds memories for not just me but something, a concept i thought i knew but only just barely know the outline of. a concept i never had? maybe i never had it; it wouldn’t be too surprising. maybe i just imagined it was there, having it never actually be the case and yet another scenario of my own blindness to things being the death of me.

..i was confused over something an acquaintance said to me today; still am. im unsure if she read this book or not, and im getting aggravated at the fact i can’t understand. not aggravated at her, at myself. i wish i was able to understand certain things so, so badly, and the fact i get confused over little things like this makes me feel even more distraught. its like being at the very end of an OREO prank back in middle school and not knowing it was a prank until someone snickered and laughed; maybe the first time it was funny, but now its humiliating.

…back to the point i wished to make, i’m sure ill do said thing i didn’t want to do; it’s important, and i’d feel terrible if i didn’t. i already feel terrible, so it’d only stack and be a double trouble scenario. i remember wishing to do something whence i finally made my way through the scattered writings and quotes, but now that seems decades away. granted, didn’t even finish it; maybe that makes this hurt even worse.

somewhat related, my mother brought up a point in the car; something i hated, because she was right. i was trying to find some kind of retort, some kind of thing i could say in tandem and argue that no, i’m sure theres something there, but no, nothing, not even the tiniest speck of something similar as that never did happen. at all. it stung. i tried to recall anything, anything truly, but nothing.

at least i didn’t puke today.. i thought i was. i mean i was gonna, i was in the nurses office and everything, but i calmed down. also thought i was going to stay home today; didn’t. i think i’ll go tomorrow, cause i have that thing to do. also because i have a test.. only just now remembered that.

last add on; curious what ill do with this other big book which i bought. i can’t give it, because that ships already sailed. i think. have no clue and am too frightened to try. yes, frightened! scared! petrified, even! petrified of both interfering more than i already do by existing and also in general afraid. probably not good. also can’t return it because the guy who made it seems really nice and is probably an underpaid fellow. whatever, i’ll figure it out. maybe tomorrow.

#cybers tangents #eugh my nose is all. snotty. clogged up from Cry. i hate the runny nose portion of tears #they should remove that in the next life patch

[tears-of-boredom]

you know. ultimately, i dont mind being a girl. not in the like "ive always been a girl" way, but in the "im a girl now" way. sometimes i even like it. i think the hard part for me is that i do not feel like im cisgender, and since being a girl technically makes me that, i dont like it. it feels like im losing my trans-ness. and, out of all the labels, "transgender" really expresses how i feel so well. so, anytime i try to define my gender further, i, conciously or not, limit myself. i cant even consider the possibility of me being "just" a girl, because then im not trans. and this is the annoying thing about gender. because i know that the reason i feel like im trans, is because i know that gender is not like a. it is not a rigid thing. at all. i know that my body does not have anything to do with my gender. i did not really consider my gender at all growing up, and when i did, it was because i hated that other people used it to define things about me. i never felt like a girl, or wanted to be one, but until it started to matter to other people, i did not care about that. basically im saying that i did not have a gender growing up. and now that im starting to feel like theres something there, whatever it is, its different.

like. i feel like instead of "cisgender" meaning that you identify with your agab, its when you identify with the gender you grew up with. not what other people thought you were, but what you felt like.

im not trying to like, invaliate other peoples identities. im just describing how i myself understand gender.

so in my head, i would only be cisgender, if i continued to feel like i do not have a gender.

but, from where once was nothing, has now suddenly sprouted the desire to be a girl.

i used to really want to be a boy at some point, but those feelings were only because i felt like life would be easier that way. i felt like somehow being considered a boy would suddenly give me friends. and i thought that i could have stayed young and free of worry for longer. some of my problems would have been gone if i grew up as a boy, and that was literally the whole reason i wanted to be one. i was becoming more and more aware of how i did not feel like i belonged, and i thought that if i wouldve been a boy, everything would be fixed. and, in a way, i still think that. i think a different life wouldve served me better. but whether that life wouldve been as a boy or not does not matter.

i had a phase where i was really confused about my identity as a whole, and i kept trying to find something to explain everything. trans man, trans masc, nonbinary,asexual, aromantic, lesbian, gay, queer, demigirl, agender. i tried so many labels in an attempt to find myself. but thats all it was. trying to find myself. never did i find a label that satisfied me, because i just did not feel like i belonged. but ive started to suspect that that was because i was constantly dissociating as a coping mechanism. you know how it is.

but this was a long way of saying that ive started to notice how i genuinely want to be a girl. and i also want to keep calling myself trans. and im not going to try and specify it further for myself, because that never works and only makes me feel insecure in my identity. im trans and a girl. sometimes. i actually really hate the sound of the word "girl" if i hear it too much, so im gonna stop calling myself that. though that is what i am. hating how a word sounds does not change that.

and its quite funny how like, i need to justify it and explain it to myself this much to feel comfortable. because if it was literally anyone else id just say "yeah who cares, if you wanna call yourself trans, do it". but because of my fucking messed up psyche, im not able to let myself be so lax about things.. aughh

#gender #tearful stuff

[nicomrade]

I don't think my original message was sent (or maybe I'm getting confused, haha). My question is, how do you interpret the gap between chapter 538 and 539? What is your perspective on the ending? And most of all, how do you think Baku is still alive? Some believe that Baku really died and lives symbolically in Souichi (I recommend you read Waty's review of Usogui to better understand this point, you can find it on AniList) and others that he faked his death.

As a personal theory, I think the one who says the words "Welcome back, Madarame Baku" in chapter 537 is not Gonen, but Anoma (in fact, on the last page of that chapter we can see Anoma + Gonen + the welcome phrase, which is curious, since Anoma has no relation to the scene). I think Sako has been misleading us with the timeline, making us think that Abi Khan and Anoma's conversation happens in parallel with Baku's "death", but what if that's in the past? And Anoma (for whatever reason, I still can't tell you why he decided to do that) revives Baku with a defibrillator device like Marco did with Hal and hence his words of "Welcome back, Madarame Baku". Baku returned from a death that seemed final. It should also be added that the phrase he uses refers to Baku in a formal way, but not in a close or hierarchical relationship (he does not call him Leader or Baku-san, for example).

Another good point would be that Sako may have planned from the beginning that Baku would survive, since in chapter 147 (epilogue of the Labyrinth arc) we see a flashforward in which Baku is visiting an awakened Yukiide (he woke up during STL) in spring (hence the cherry trees), so it's been a few months since he became the Leader of Kakerou. So, this scene could take place after Baku's "death", close to leaving for Las Vegas to meet Kaji, Marco and Hal. Also, we never see his right hand (he has it in his pocket) so Sako doesn't show us his missing finger.

i couldnt find the anilist review, if you have a link to it i will hapilly read through!

the ending is very fast paced and (purposefully) doesnt give us a lot of answers, i dont think much about it because im personally not interested in speculating on what happens after/in between the gaps BUT i will try my best to answer everything you brought up!

im not OPPOSED to highly symbolic readings (god knows i love symbolism myself) but i do like the much more literal interpretation better. baku is alive with kaji & marco at the end because he is literally alive, and survived somehow, the same way he "survived somehow" the first STL, because baku always finds a way to live. but also- while i DO think the epilogue is trying to make us think baku dies after gonen pulls out the joker, i dont see how the dialogue actually supports this idea that baku was also betting his life here? gonen is asked to bet his OWN life so hes allowed to join in the gamble and flip the card but i dont see a confirmation that bakus own life is ever in the balance in that particular bet with gonen specifically. it IS the moment where gonen (literally) beats baku and (symbolically) takes his place (as the bigger evil and as the gambler who keeps on winning- also his spot as the one fighting against kakerou and souichi, and bakus "heart", etc.) but to me it at best maybe implies another gamble between them that isnt shown instead? like i dont think the joker was flipped and they shot baku here & there lol (and i highly doubt it was a STL game). theres a whole aftermarth to this we are not shown. what i wanna get to here is just asking, am i the one missing something? where does it say/imply baku is also betting his life VS gonen? i could just be silly & missing something i definitely dont notice everything going on in usogui its very dense lol the only thing i get is the prince bee narration saying he "never got up again"?

i love your theory about anoma being the one talking, like i dont think gonen would welcome baku back ever? not in this context anyway? and again, the epilogue is so vague on purpose there are probably a 100 hints with no pay-off/reveals. misdirections and foreshadowing are usoguis bread and butter and i think its very fitting for the epilogue to give us SO MUCH while actually saying SO LITTLE. it could 100% be anoma talking here i agree, and hinting at some involvement he had that we dont see.

i also love what you said about chapter 147 i didnt catch that (i straight up forgot this happened at all cause i never finished my minotaur labyrinth reread its the arc i like the least for some reason?) thank you for telling me about it, especially the cherry tree that serves as a season indication is 100% true but i wouldnt have caught it myself cause i always forget about this kind of time indication. i wonder if it happens before or after the gonen gamble indeed? this is very interesting to me because i have a whole thing about the parallels between souichi and yukiide (sorry yukiide for only liking you for the role you can fill for me.... i swear i also like him as a character but im always looking at his plot beats in the context of him being a mirror character for souichi)

last thing is ill try to answer this bit: "how do you interpret the gap between chapter 538 and 539? What is your perspective on the ending?" so i think we can think of the gap between 538 and 539 similarly to the gap between, like, the 2001 STL and the start of the story. baku has done this before, he will lay low and hide in the shadows before being ready to put his big plan in motion. in hangman he says he planned to stay in the shadow for longer but seeing souichi face to face he had to change his plans- i think this gap is something similar to this. theres a wrestling poster thats visible in the las vegas shots too, right? i think we can know what year the las vegas stuff happens in that way, and that will give a lot of information on what that gap looked like. i wish i had more of a big analysis about this but filling the gaps in the epilogue has never been my priority. what i DO care about in the epilogue is the uhm heart transplant stuff lol. under the cut cause its my own personal rant where i argue for why a part of the epilogue shouldnt be considered canon (which is a pretty heretical position to defend, im aware)

so uhm, the heart transplant stuff, uh? i kind of have hated that reveal/retcon ever since i read it and its always sat weirdly with me but i didnt think about it much, like blocking it out of my mind, except for during my 2nd read through (and the times id reread the epilogue like some morbid curiosity- maybe this time itll go differently? maybe this time they wont try to lie to me?) not that i think its BAD i like the epilogue as a WHOLE but the heart transplant thing ugh i always just skim over unconsciously i dont wanna engage with it too much because so heres the thing

that line about how its totally real cause "baku shouldve been taking medication quite frequently" and its like. well he HASNT? been doing that? and its drawn super similarly to how baku eats his kariume. are you trying to tell me that his kariume was heart medication all along? what about his obsession with plums in general, and on protoporos when he imports kariume for himself? about protoporos actually- how did a man with a diseased heart who has to take medication survive 24 days on an island with no access to said meds. including a couple days of running outside in the rain chased by a literal angry mob? and then drowning?. baku, as written in the story, DEMONSTRABLY DOES NOT! have a diseased heart. when did this transplant happen???????

baku literally already struggles with sprinting when he first meets hal in 1998- souichi EASILY follows after him and is barely tired when baku is on the floor shaking for his life. are you telling me the heart transplant happened BEFORE this????????? or he already had poor stamina even before and then it cant be appropriate foreshadowing for this. so you were just lying to me about the hints and it really does come out of nowhere. ok.

i dont even mind when/if usogui does retcon stuff (/have reveals that were very much not planned from chapter 1) it is OKAY to write new stuff in your story and about your characters as you go along. it is foolish to try to argue only stuff planned from even before you ever started writing is canon and true. this is not my point. my point is that this reveal CONTRADICTS the actual text that came BEFORE. it has retroactive impact that is nonsensical and downright absurd. this is the exact kind of writing i criticize in stuff like one outs or liar game, but praise usogui in comparison. usogui does lie to you about stuff sometimes, but that misdirection, those lies, ADD meaning to the text. (im always talking about this on twitter i can pull up threads if i need to explain this stuff more) the heart transplant reveal REMOVES meaning. so what meaning does it remove exactly?

one of Usogui's (manga) thesis statements is that to be human is to be FLAWED. this is why hangman ends the way it does (and why its kind of bad they changed it in the movie- though i do get it) its what kyara's arc in protoporos is about, and its what souichis entire character journey shows. i dislike calling souichi "the ultimate human being" because his character arc is about accepting that he ISNT, actually, perfect. that he, too, is flawed and can lose and is scared of dying and is HUMAN. souichi loses drop the handkerchief because he had this weakness (chronic memory loss) that usogui exploited. and for all he tried to make up for it, or make it into a weapon instead, it was still a flaw. and its what made him human. and for him to believe himself capable of not being human anymore, of transcending it, is a lie. and usogui ate that lie. and he reminded souichi that hes human- and loved. and loved. and so so loved. and that he has the potential to become so much greater still- BECAUSE hes human and BECAUSE he tasted defeat and is flawed. thats the basic gist behind drop the handkerchief.

and this weakness of souichi, his chronic memory loss, is inherent to him. theres no reason it happened. textually theres no reason to it. its, yeah, the pressure of having to be Perfect, and being the Leader of kakerou, but we know from the doctor's email that medically they couldnt find a reason for it- yes there are reasons for it, but theyre so inherent to him, to his bloodline, that he couldnt be souichi and NOT have this flaw. there is no version of souichi (or hachina, or hal) that does NOT struggle with memory loss. he has this weakness simply because hes alive.

bakus one core flaw is his weak constitution. baku cant run up stairs (see the abandonned building arc) anything that COULD be life-threatening becomes a death sentence for him (see the minotaur labyrinth arc) he CANNOT defend himself (marco & kyaras roles as bodyguards + all the times someone threatened him with violence) his body is WEAK. it just is. what the heart transplant does is take all of this and make it the result of losing a gamble once, years ago. is this inherent to him? was this always fated to happen? we dont even SEE the gamble this happened in! it CANNOT be this important! but if we forget about the heart transplant for a second, his weak body becomes just a part of his character, with no visible cause. maybe its a side effect of how he grew up on his own without anyone to play with so he never exercised, and possibly malnourished & homeless half of the time. but either way its a cause thats so at the core of who he is that for that not to have happened he wouldnt be usogui (or madarame baku) anymore. there is no version of him who had a happy, safe childhood and is still usogui. sounds familiar? and for souichis weakness to be mental and bakus weakness to be physical.. isnt it meaningful to have their fates mirrored and tied in that way?

baku & souichi(/hal) fates being tied together is also another CORE aspect of usogui's story! not just with the ship glasses on its literally just... the emotional core of the story is their relationship (whether romantic or platonic or whatever). if your reveal in chapter 538 out of 539 (i repeat, its in the second to LAST chapter) is contradicted by its own "foreshadowing", does not stand on its own, and weakens TWO very important aspects of your story, then i think im allowed to consider it not canon or true. uhm, "youre a big liar, arent you?" if you will.

#usogui meta #ask #lkingyoya #you dont have to read the whole tangent about the heart transplant if ure not interested i just need to like #exorcise it out of my brain 😭i think its half of why i dont engage w the epilogue much i really dislike it so much