#in the background somewhere where we didn't see them going to therapy and trying to do better and be better people

[galaxythreads]

i'm locking everyone who writes about abusive parents and their kids (regardless of age) in a room until they can write a storyline that ends without

the abuse being explained away or not "actually having been abuse, they were trying to protect you or insert bs excuse here"

the abusive parent child reconciling

the child is somehow at fault for not having considered their parents emotions and catering to them. yknow. as a child.

"they just couldn't reach out to you the way you needed :( sorry. He'll do better now! it actually had nothing to do with you and all the years of your life you felt ignored and belittled actually all had to do with him, and better forgive and forget!

the child having to make up because their kids "deserve to have grandparents" (not these grandparents)

emotional abuse/neglect being treated as a lesser form of abuse because it didn't leave physical wounds

moms are somehow less accountable for abuse because she's a girl and all moms are magical beings who can't be abusive somehow. (this is false)

#writing #abusive parents #done done done with this narrative #yes i am looking marvel directly in the eyes for this one #but also elementary #and httyd #and 911 #and harry potter #and white collar #and atla #and pretty much any media #look if you're going to take a story where the abusive parent and kid reconcile #then you by god better show me that that parent has EARNED that kids trust back through blood sweat and tears and not offscreen #in the background somewhere where we didn't see them going to therapy and trying to do better and be better people #man people are obsessed with abusive parents getting a redemption arc #when they've done nothing to earn the redemption arc and instead the kids deserve to never speak with them again

[a-froger-epic]

You said Freddie "was in love with an idea of Mary". I don't understand this and some other people's opinion on this. They were in a relationship. They broke up, because Freddie was gay and couldn't have romantic relationship with her. They stayed friends, which isn't unsual (see Joe). He couldn't love her as a friend? Only "the idea of her"? She didn't deserve to be loved? Why is it wrong to ask Phoebe about her? Why the fandom tries to forget she ever existed? She's known Freddie for 22 years.

Alright, I will elaborate then since I think you've misunderstood what I said there, and that is fair enough because I didn't explain.

I'm really not keen on getting into any discussions about Mary, to be honest, which is why I said none of this is a hill I'd like to die on. I'm not interested in defending how Mary acted after his death, there's a lot of valid criticism and it's true that their relationship is and was often misrepresented in a way that is disrespectful to Jim and the very fact that Freddie was a self-identified gay man. So I understand the frustration with that. But anyway, here are my thoughts on Mary and Freddie and their actual relationship with each other.

Let's start at the beginning. Although none of us can really know what their relationship was like, I personally think it's clear that they clicked very well in the beginning, on some level.

Let me just pre-empt this again by saying that pretty much all of this is speculation and my personal opinion, I'm not trying to tell anyone they're wrong. This is just my take. Don't come for me. Let me have my opinion, please and thank you.

I think they fit well in the way that, knowing Mary's background (deaf parents, started working full-time at 15), she was very used to being in a caretaker role and Freddie liked, in many ways, to be taken care of. I think she was also somebody who was not very outspoken with her emotions, not very emotional overall, and I think that actually perhaps suited Freddie quite well. Because I think that her keeping her feelings close to her chest gave him the excuse to do the exact same. Why do I think so?

Having read Rosemary's book, it's apparent that she is a very emotional person and what ended up happening, is that Freddie opened up to her in ways he never did with Mary. He never, until their break up, let on to Mary that he wanted to be with men. Freddie and Rosemary, by contrast, were only together for a year or so and he could not stop talking about it. Rosemary was open, so Freddie was open. I think Freddie was a bit of a chameleon when it came to relationships, which stemmed from his deep desire to be loved and accepted. He wanted to please, he wanted to be a good fit for his partners. I think that was sometimes detrimental for him because he would push himself to be somebody he wasn't. I think incidentally with Mary it sort of worked out quite well for quite a long time. I think that while they did have feelings for each other, there was also a lot of unspoken things, an emotional distance, and I think that made it easier for Freddie to be in the closet as long as he was. Again, having to grow up so fast, I think Mary was someone who learned to swallow things down and not address them and just function. In a way, Freddie had a very similar approach.

Now, let's talk about love and what I meant by him being in love with the idea of her. I believe that Freddie definitely believed and felt that he was in love with her for much of the time they were together, in part because I think he really, really wanted to be. Here was this girl who was in many ways perfect for him, the kind of girl his parents were thrilled about. Also, quite importantly, somebody who believed in him and did support him. I remember seeing one interview with her where she says her first impression was that he was this charismatic, long-haired musician and seemed so confident. Not at all like the person underneath, I think she goes on to say. But it did give me the impression that being as young as she was at the time, there was definitely a sort of wide-eyed admiration of his huge personality there from her side. And I think that stroked his ego a lot. I'm sure that later on in their relationship, she did become somewhat disenchanted with him and most likely even frustrated with him much of the time, but again, being someone who keeps themselves to themselves, I think she put on a brave face and funnily enough he did the exact same thing.

It think that towards the end of their relationship, they functioned as partners, rather than a romantic couple. I think Freddie clung on for a very long time - if not forever - to some ideal of what his life should/could/might have been if only he hadn't been gay (internalised homophobia galore), and that is also what I mean by being in love with the idea of Mary. The idea of the beautiful fantasy relationship with a woman he was never able to live up to, and I think a lot of guilt stemmed from that, for him. That he should have been able to give her that, but he couldn't. That he had failed her. That, therefore, he had to provide for her as long as he lived. Because if he hadn't been gay, he could have married her and everything would have been brilliant - which, you can't tell me, that his parents did not likely think exactly that. I will eat a hat if his mother did not once bemoan that he hadn't or wouldn't marry her. Again, I repeat, this is some deeply ingrained internalised homophobia I'm talking about, I'd be hesitant to say that Freddie was even aware of it.

Now, here's the thing. Freddie was someone who could not be alone, we know this, and he was someone who could not let go of people easily. He stayed friends, if he could, with many of his exes. And I think he was terrified of the thought of losing Mary - who he was used to, who he relied on, who he felt deeply guilty towards because he wasn't the man she deserved - when their relationship ended. Basically, he wanted the to have the cake and eat it, too. And he got that, in a way. He did get to keep her in his life, she agreed to that, and I don't think that was at all times particularly healthy for either of them.

I think Mary resented that Freddie was gay. Again, I don't even think it was a very conscious thing, but I think she absolutely believed that if only he hadn't been gay, they would have been perfect for each other. I don't think she ever stopped feeling like he was the one that got away. I think this led to her deeply resenting a lot of his circle and his lifestyle, resenting having to be involved in it, which I think is a large part of why she burned all bridges when he died. I think she felt free from an obligation that she herself had put on herself. I think the woman could have done with some therapy, tbh, I think they all could have. Anyway.

When I read what Phoebe said in that interview, what jumped out at me was that this was an important dinner with Freddie's parents. I think Freddie took solace in the idea that he could bring Mary out to dinner with them and it was almost as if it was real. That they had the son they wanted, in the way that he knew they didn't. I'm tearing up writing this right now because it's really heartbreaking to me.

But that is what I meant by the idea of her. I think, also, Freddie was generally very romantic. I think he was a bit in love with love, overall. And I think he held that fantasy somewhere in his mind forever, of what could have been, if only. And I think Mary did the same.

Of course it isn't romantic. It's terrible, it's sad, there's so many things wrong with it. But that's what I think their relationship with each other was. I think it always carried an echo of his perceived failure to have been the man she thought he could have been, he thought he could have been, if only he hadn't been gay.

Tl; dr - I'm not interested in erasing Mary from Freddie's life, any more than I'm interested in erasing anyone else who was important to him from his life. I do think he had a lot of love for her, and she for him. I don't think acknowledging that takes away from his love for his husband or makes him any less gay.

#Freddie Mercury #Mary Austin #ask response

[nootropicsaustralia]

Health Benefits of Music

Music has the capacity to capture attention, lift spirits, generate emotion, change or regulate mood, evoke memories, increase work output, reduce inhibitions, and encourage rhythmic movement – all of which have the potential to help you to do more, feel better, and stress less!

Article at a glance

Music has a profound effect on our brain and the release of dopamine Music can positively affect our mood, mindset and behaviour Music can benefit our physical and mental performance

We all have that one song that no matter where we are or what time it is will belt out every single lyric. We have those songs we know will pump us up for the gym, pep us up in the morning, and that playlist you put on in the car for a long road trip with friends. Music has the power to move us. Move us physically. Move us mentally. Move us emotionally. Music is said to be the universal language and has been deeply rooted in every human culture since the beginning of time. Dance, laugh, cry, smile, focus, energise, connect... music has the ability to bring energy and emotion out of all of us.

What if I told you that music actually improves your health? Thanks to advances in neuroscience we can see how hearing, playing or singing your favourite tunes help your brain function. The benefits of music in our health are overwhelmingly bountiful so let’s break it down and see the potential music holds to improve our health and happiness.

MUSIC AFFECTS OUR BRAIN'S CHEMISTRY Down to a cellular level, music has the ability to alter our brain chemistry. It can elevate positive emotion through releasing neurotransmitters and interacting with the reward centres of our brain. A recent study details how music stimulates hits of dopamine to the brain that can make us feel good.[1] Dopamine is a neurotransmitter and is the brain’s “motivation brain-chemical” and an integral part of the pleasure-reward system. That same feeling of pleasure we experience from chocolate, a runner's high, winning the lottery, can be experienced through music as it is all linked with dopamine. [2]Want an extra hit of dopamine? Science shows that turning your playlist on shuffle could give you an extra “I hit the Jackpot” boost when your favourite song comes on unexpectedly! [3]Music can help us connect with ourselves and also with others. Listening and playing music in the company of others stimulates the brain hormone oxytocin to be released. Oxytocin is another brain-chemical that helps us feel bonded with and trust others.[4]  Music helps in socialisation down to a biochemical level but also is the key factor in many social events that brings us happiness playing at concerts, dances, and backyard BBQs. Studies have shown that the oxytocin boost music lovers are flooded with can make them more generous and trustworthy. [5]

MUSIC AS MEDICINE Music can be a useful tool in many aspects of our lives and new research is showing that music can even be more powerful than medicine. Music can be a form of distraction in painful or stressful situations. It can bring the mind’s attention somewhere else and alleviate symptoms. Anxiety is a feeling that has many physical effects on the body including increased heart rate, blood pressure, and cortisol levels. All of these biological factors can be prevented or reversed with the help of slow tempo, low pitched, calming music. One study published in the national Library of Medicine concluded;

“Relaxing music decreases the level of anxiety in a pre-operative setting to a greater extent than orally administered midazolam. Higher effectiveness and absence of apparent adverse effects makes pre-operative relaxing music a useful alternative to midazolam for pre-medication.” [6]

Music therapy has been drawing much more attention in recent years due to evidence in reduction of pain that studies consistently show. A 2013 study with primary fibromyalgia patients, a poorly understood chronic pain syndrome, had participants listen to music once a day for four weeks and track their pain and depression levels. The treatment group reported a significant reduction in pain and depression at week four compared with the control group who reported no difference in pain at week four. [7]

THE BENEFITS OF MUSIC FOR EVERYDAY LIFE Music can be a tool to alter our perceptions and enter a target mindset.“

Neuroscientists have found that music enters our nervous system through the auditory brainstem and also causes the cerebellum to 'light up' on a brain scan.” [8]

Do you have a workout playlist, a study playlist, a throwbacks playlist, a party playlist? We can categorise different music by what it makes us do or feel. You can control your own mental environment through your musical environment.

Focus

There are not many jobs where you have to be more alert, focused and precise than surgeons. A survey published that most surgeons actually listen to music while operating.“

90% of surgeons in the UK put music on the theatre's sound system during operations, with half of respondents favouring up-tempo rock, 17% pop music and 11% classical.” [9]

Another study done at Stanford showed that music engages areas of the brain which are involved with paying attention, making predictions and updating events in our memory. [10]  

So next time you're cramming for a test or overwhelmed at work try putting in some earphones. It is recommended to listen to lower toned songs without lyrics to best help focus on these sorts of tasks.

Fitness

Music is both a mind and body motivator making it the ultimate trainer to carry you through your workouts also. Maybe you can relate… have you ever walked in the gym and walked right back out when you realized you didn't have your headphones? I sure have at the thought of running on a stationary treadmill for an hour, staring at the wall, with no beat to keep me going, no thank you!

An experiment with healthy male college students investigated the effect of upbeat music on their physical performance while riding stationary bicycles. The participants trained harder while listening to fast music and reported feeling better during the workout and enjoying it more. [11]

Background music may enhance performance on cognitive fitness tasks. One study found that listening to music allowed test takers to complete more questions in the time allotted, and get more answers right. [12]According to sports researchers Peter Terry and Costas Karageorghis; “Music has the capacity to capture attention, lift spirits, generate emotion, change or regulate mood, evoke memories, increase work output, reduce inhibitions, and encourage rhythmic movement – all of which have potential applications in sport and exercise.” [13]

Fun

And this is one of the things that we didn't need scientific evidence to prove. We all know the effects music has on us -  it simply makes us feel good! One song can turn your mood a full 180. Some songs we can’t help but start dancing. Some get stuck in your head and can’t stop singing. And some make us nostalgic bringing up those same feelings from cherished memories.

Music is one of the most powerful neurobiological tools we have to change our mood, mindset, and behaviour. Music shapes our minds and actions, and more than just enjoying it we can utilise it to improve our health and happiness.

References

[1] https://www.pnas.org/content/116/9/3793 [2] https://www.cell.com/neuron/fulltext/S0896-6273(12)00941-5

[3] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-athletes-way/201212/the-neuroscience-music-mindset-and-motivation

[4] http://esciencecommons.blogspot.com/2012/12/birdsong-study-pecks-theory-that-music.html

[5] https://www.researchgate.net/publication/315937291_Oxytocin_Trust_and_Trustworthiness_The_Moderating_Role_of_Music

[6] https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19388893/

[7] https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1524904210001396

[8] https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1053811911013000?via%3Dihub

[9] https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jama/article-abstract/379309

[10] http://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2007/07/music-moves-brain-to-pay-attention-stanford-study-finds.html

[11] https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19793214/

[12] https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20865993/

[13] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3944555/

#music #health #healthtips #better mood