#including *amma what does fuck mean*

[snixx]

getting my sex ed from my friends in class 5 deeply deeply messed me up. ten year old sex repulsed me trying to prove that's NOT how you make babies and you just get them by doing penance because no penance could be worse than doing THAT with a man 🤧 and there's no way my parents or - god, my grandparents did that. i literally had fucking nightmares over it and couldn't look at adults for three months without imagining them doing it because omg they've done it too and AREN'T THERE ANY WOMEN WHO HAVEN'T DONE IT I really have to do it when i grow up noooooooooooo and using the existence of gay people as my trump card because HA they have babies too YOU'RE WRONG (big brained i know) what if my older self marries a man and does it only to dyke out and turn out to be the ace-est person ever

#anyway learning about gay people at the same time as...all that and rape and shit was so fun #really made me feel comfortable about myself later thanks amma #and when i realised people actually had sex for fun in ninth grade...god help #and yes i went and asked my mom about everything like the golden child i was #including *amma what does fuck mean* #and then religiously spewed all that propoganda to my young impressionable friends #we were so scared to tell each other when we had our awakenings years later lmao #girlblogging.pdf

[chaidrivenwhore]

i'm haunted by this book it made me feel feelings

@chifuyuuuuuuu-simp suggested this book and i got amma to buy it (bc i'm broke) and i read the whole thing in one sitting and let me tell you- this book hit me in the right places.

now i'm gonna talk abt it and hope i don't fall into another rabbit hole of thoughts bc ffs this book MAKES SENSE.

kinda not spoiler free, emphasis on the kinda

the only spoilers are the things that happened in the ramayan (og)

fun fact: w karkidaka month (last month in the malayalam calendar) going on, my ramayan era is here and i'm thriving

so the concept of this book is fairly interesting and as someone who ADORES different interpretations of hindu myth (looking at you, meluha), this is spectacular. SITAYAN bro, it doesn't get any better than that.

sita as a character who has conflicts in her mind, who works like all of us do, who isn't made out to be an untouchable goddess is p awesome to see. she's like so fucking strong, mentally, physically and emotionally and it makes me wanna cry istfg- she's intelligent, resourceful and you can see the love and care she feels for everyone and for her husband, the most. she didn't deserve the agni pariksha or the second exile fr

there's this running theme of different types of love. it deals the way love is felt by different people, how people react when in love, what different meanings can love take on, all of this. it resonates within you.

the author makes sita an introspective character and her thought process is glorious. love makes you afraid. love makes you hurt others and/or yourself and it'll blind you as much as it makes you see things that others cannot. love is powerful and scary and it'll make you feel like you're being drowned in the deep end and then set aflame.

moving on

ram is duty bound, loves his wife, but he's selfless to a fault- he can't be selfish and he believes the same extends to sita, but while ram is still pleased if his subjects are satisfied (and he isn't), sita wants everyone to be happy and content by meeting in the middle. this is a huge point that's seen throughout the pre-second exile arc (your relationship includes you and your partner(s), please do not bring in random citizens into it- remember, communication is key)

LAKSHMAN (sorry, he's my fav) slays. he's devoted to ram and that extends to sita but their dynamics are intriguing. a protective younger brother and the older brother's wife- quite fascinating, if you ask me

urmila the real mvp, gives edwina sharma, bc sita is literally adopted and is amazing in general. supportive sisters bro i'm in love. the concept that she was in a 14 year long sleep instead of her husband is dope asf i've read it somewhere before

dasharath is a good king and a shitty husband. partiality isn't good, he does that only. four kids you have sir, you can't just give all your attention to one. three wives and he can't respect them equally pshh

kaikeyi is one character that i've been huuuugely invested in, considering her part in the whole 14 years of exile in the forest and all. she's a powerful woman, by herself and in the eyes of her husband. she's spoilt (?) and rather malleable opinion-wise- ergo manthara could formulate most of her opinion. kaikeyi was flawed and it showed, but somehow, it was alright.

hanuman is sooo unproblematic and i love him sm (both as a character and a god to be worshipped). he's literally called the perfect devotee and he's legit too good to be true vibes. he's my life and that's all that there is to it

the author stated in her a/n that she'd been heavily inspired by the adbhut ramayan than the considered og and by virtue of that, ravan and mandodari make it into the major character list

mandodari is a p important character in this book. she's a queen, through and through. she endures, she listens, she loves, she's lost and her spirit's taken so much but she's never truly broken, or atleast until the plot twist

like clint, i did NOT see that coming.

but like i said, this book makes a whole good lot of sense and PLOT TWIST, once introduced, is very easy to digest. once you've understood the whole scenario, the lanka arc gets a million times worse and you're stuck overthinking abt the why and how and what the bloody dingle bottom fuckity fuck ever

it's beautiful.

now to the main antagonist. ravan. he's so complex, makes me wanna throw him under a microscope and study his nuances. he's terrorised gods, he's humiliated and vexed them, including his half brother kuber. he's also a great devotee/follower of lord shiva, he's a scholar and one of the most intelligent people on the damn planet.

he was brought to his knees by greed.

the first time i found out abt ravan's entire story, i was shocked fr. i mean, someone this accomplished and he pulls off shit like this?? but then greed has the potential to be one's undoing and that's what happened. it's like watching a train wreck in slo-mo. gah the character is so fucking complicated and i love the way he's been written.

the whole 'ram-sita are incarnations of lord vishnu-lakshmi devi' and 'ravan and kumbhkaran being jaya and vijaya, the dwarapalakas of vaikuntha but reincarnated' is seamlessly added into the story in the forms of visions and dreams and it's amazing.

lanka arc is painful and hits you in the feels bc sita's stuck there, sad and alone and she's not given up like ma'am, hat's off.

the whole 'society's opinion is important' is all well and good and the way the author shows the effect of that in the lives of our main characters is wonderful and honestly, while reading that part, i thought i'll have more time before the dhobi makes ram rethink his decisions.

then the second exile arc arrives and everything's back to shit again.

COMMUNICATION IS KEY.

please talk to your partners, everyone.

if only ram had talked to sita, if only lakshman had succeeded in convincing his brother, if only, if only-

lav and kush are the only kids i like bc irl kids are a hard pass (i'll take toddlers and babies but 9 y/o and up? i'll giggle if they fall down)

they're the sweetest kids okay? they're precious, and even though they didn't know their dad or aunts or uncles or other family members in ayodhya, they had valmiki, they had the people in the surrounding ashrams and they grew up w their found family. it's really sweet.

then the ashwamedha yajna and subsequent drama.

ram was like "one more agni pariksha so that the people of ayodhya would be satisfied for good" and sita was like "i'm done, we're done, no more." she's done seeing women being blamed for things that aren't in their hands, she's done seeing all the struggles that women go through that could've been avoided had there been better circumstances created. she's done giving in and compromising.

she's been wronged against and she'd proved herself once before and in this situation, there are no winners.

sita in this part feels emotions viscerally and everything is INTENSE and dukh dard peedha and then she's just so angry and sad and the firewood kept around her starts to burn, the ground splits and she knows this is the last of her that anyone will see.

lav and kush were held back by their uncles bc i think somewhere, even they realised that sita needed to do what she did.

the last lines of the book slapped me and said poignant.

"Because this is the most important aspect of love, whose other face is compassion: It isn’t doled out, drop by drop. It doesn’t measure who is worthy and who isn’t. It is like the ocean. Unfathomable. Astonishing. Measureless."

guide to wtv different language(s) i've used:

karkidaka month: karkidakam is the last month in the malayalam calendar during which people read the ramayan in their homes, it's going on rn i'm having fun

agni pariksha : trial by fire (like literally walk through fire to prove chastity and purity)

dwarapalakas of vaikuntha : according to hindu myth, vaikuntha is the place where lord vishnu resides and jaya and vijaya were two heavenly beings who guarded the gates (dwarapalaka is a gate-keeper) of vaikuntha- now their story is really interesting

dhobi : washerman

ashrams : group of hermitages

ashwamedha yajna : a ritual in the vedic period where a horse accompanied by a king's warriors would be released to wander for a year, if the horse is stopped, it is seen as a rebellion against the sovereignty

dukh dard peeda : dukh is sorrow, dard is pain and peedha is suffering (there is no english phrase that can give the same effect as this phrase in hindi- this is also a meme)

i didn't know i could write this much abt a book that i've read ONCE.

feel free to ask me abt shit and lmk if there's anything that's wrong? bc i really don't wanna spread wrong info sjhdjdjs

alr thankyou if you've made it till here, go read this book now <3

#the forest of enchantments #ramayan #ramayan sita #this is a lot of rambling #desi #desi <3 #gid speaketh

[amma-castaignede]

ORIGINS & FAMILY:

Name: Amélie Sylvie Castaignède

Nickname: Amma

Birthday: January 31, 1995

Age: 25

Gender: Female.

Place of Birth: London, United Kingdom

Places Lived Since: London, United Kingdom; Oxford, UK 

Current Residence: London, United Kingdom

Nationality: British & French

Parents: Emanuel & Colette Castaignède

Grandparents: François Castaignède (grandfather, paternal)  Marie Castaignède (grandmother, paternal, deceased) Henri de la Croix (grandfather, maternal) Ava de la Croix (grandmother, maternal)

Aunts & Uncles: n/a

Number of Siblings: one brother, Mathis Castaignède

Relationship With Family: Amélie is incredibly close to her family, particularly her older brother. Or at least she had been. He was the one person who could draw her out of her shell, her family home the place where she felt safest and most able to be herself. They were happy, once. Her parents were devoted but not overbearing, encouraging of their children. Mathis was the golden boy, outgoing and athletic but always went out of his way to encourage and include his painfully shy sister. After he pulled away, the relationship has become colder and her parents have essentially purged him from the house leaving his bedroom locked in some sort of half mad shrine or perhaps a tomb. Her father is quicker to snap, her mother to cry, and Amélie has withdrawn back into herself.

Happiest Memory: On her fourteenth birthday Mathis convinced her to skip out of school for the afternoon, the only time she’d ever dabbled in truancy. They went to see a movie, to her favorite cafe, and then on a long walk in the rare January sunshine. It was a perfect day.

Childhood Trauma: Crippling shyness, few close friends, the loss of her brother.

PHYSICAL:

Height: 5'4”

Weight: 120lbs.

Build: Slim, lithe ballet athletic, surprisingly strong.

Hair Color: dirty blonde

Usual Hair Style: a messy bun held by a velvet scrunchie or half up half down

Eye Color: Blue grey

Glasses? Contacts?: reading glasses when she gets tired or works into the night. She doesn’t wear them as often as she should.

Style of Dress/Typical Outfit(s): Oversized sweaters and mom jeans, blazers over tailored slacks when she needs to dress up more. Big ‘dark academia’ vibes as she tends to stay away from bright colors or things that would draw attention. She usually doesn’t wear particularly revealing or form fitting clothing.

Typical Style of Shoes: mostly ballet flats or boots, heels only on very special occasions.

Jewelery? Tattoos? Piercings?: She has both her ears pierced and no tattoos. She wears simple studs in her ears, a small gold cross necklace, and an apple watch with a pale pink band, other jewelry only when dressing up.

Scars: no physical ones, only emotional

Unique Mannerisms/Physical Habits: Amélie has a particular speech pattern taught by a well meaning child psychiatrist in an attempt to overcome her shyness. She constantly has a notebook and tends to write down observations as they occur to her and has an annoying habit of tapping her pen when thinking.  

Athleticism: Amélie is a classically trained ballet dancer, it's something that she excels at but did not wish to pursue professionally. She still practices as almost a meditation in control and discipline and is thus surprisingly strong for her size and look.

Health Problems/Illnesses: Social anxiety and depression

INTELLECT:

Level of Education: Degree in journalism from Oxford

Languages Spoken: English and French

Level of Self-Esteem: It tanked when Mathis left as he’d always been the one to encourage her. She feels better about herself when she has a goal, something she can achieve and point to.

Gifts/Talents: Writing, ballet, making herself invisible. She also has an incredible memory from listening more than talking.

Mathematical?: Not particularly but she was tenacious enough to work at it in school.

Makes Decisions Based Mostly On Emotions, or On Logic?: She likes to think its logic, but recently her choices have been much more emotionally influenced although she will find a way to logic through them.

Life Philosophy: Anything can be done if you have enough dedication.

Religious Stance: Catholic, it is something she clings to out of habit mostly

Cautious or Daring?: Hella fucking cautious, but once committed to something she will do whatever it takes but always plans things through

Most Sensitive About/Vulnerable To: The mortifying ordeal of being perceived, her brother

Optimist or Pessimist?: Pessimist but stubborn and committed to changing what she can.

Extrovert or Introvert?: Introvert

RELATIONSHIPS:

Current Relationship Status: a very single and shy pringle

Sexual Orientation: Bisexual, she hasn’t particularly had the chance to explore this but her very secret crushes are more often on women than men.

Past Relationships: Only unrequited crushes

Primary Reason For Being Broken Up With: n/a

Primary Reasons For Breaking Up With People: n/a

Ever Cheated?: one would have to be in a relationship in order to cheat, so no.

Been Cheated On: see above

Level of Sexual Experience: Amélie is very inexperienced, soft baby  

Story of First Kiss: Her name was Charlotte and she was in Amélie’s ballet class. She seemed to take Amélie’s shyness as a challenge and persisted until she opened up. They were sixteen, walking home after class and caught in a sudden downpour. Charlotte pulled Amélie into a doorway for shelter, both laughing over the surprise. Charlotte kissed her, and then ran back out into the rain.

Story of Loss of Virginity: She was visiting her brother at university and he was one of Mathis’s friends. It was also her first time drinking, but he was kind and made her laugh.

A Social Person?: HECK NO, only when forced and usually only around her brother. She forces herself to be more social in order to effectively do her job.

Most Comfortable Around: Hands down her brother, but she hasn’t seen him in years. She is growing more comfortable around Felicity and Maria. 

Oldest Friend: Mathis, obviously.

How Does She Think Others Perceive Her?: Amélie would prefer not to be perceived, thank you very much. Although she believes most people tend to overlook her or not take her very seriously. She thinks they look down on her for her shyness and the measured way she sometimes speaks.

How Do Others Actually Perceive Her?: When they do notice her, they tend to think she’s reserved or perhaps if they are being less kind, think she is aloof and stuck up. Those who know her well see her as tenacious and almost obsessive.

SECRETS:

Life Goals: To get her brother back and expose the mob for what they really are, saving the city and the nation from their violence.

Dreams: Amélie wants to no longer be so afraid and to maybe be happy. To publish a bestselling novel and live by the sea with the love of her life, some tiny village where she feels comfortable and happy.

Greatest Fears: Being perceived, losing her brother for good

Most Ashamed Of: her shyness, how she didn’t realize what was happening with Mathis sooner and didn’t do enough to stop him.

Secret Hobbies: Amélie likes to write little stories about strangers she sees on the underground or in a cafe, little one page fantasies in her journal (its not as creepy as it sounds i promise)

Crimes Committed (Was she caught? Charged?): None.

DETAILS/QUIRKS:

Night Owl or Early Bird?: night owl

Light or Heavy Sleeper?: light sleeper.

Favorite Animal: owls

Favorite Foods: chocolate ice cream, her mother’s green beans

Least Favorite Food: anything too greasy 

Favorite Book: the house of the spirits by isabel allende

Least Favorite Book: she doesn’t have one really

Favorite Movie: Casablanca

Least Favorite Movie: trashy rom-coms

Coffee or Tea?: coffee

Crunchy or Smooth Peanut Butter?: smooth

Type of Car She Drives: Amélie does not drive!

Lefty or Righty?: righty

Favorite Color: pale green

Cusser?: nope!

Smoker? Drinker? Drug User?: no smoking or drug use, she doesn’t drink often, maybe a glass of wine at dinner on occasion.

Biggest Regret: Not being there for her brother like he was always there for her, not chasing after Charlotte after her first kiss

Pets: a cat named Edgar Allen Poe, called Poe who is very grumpy

#a copycat killer with a chemical cut | character dev

[theriverdalereviewer]

Sharp Objects episode 6 review

I get the overwhelming feeling that Ashley is very fake and obsessed with upholding this it girl status in Windgap so she feels like she needs to control everything including the narrative. I found her conversation with Camille to be interesting but also really puzzling. Her response to Camille asking her what makes her so sure that John would never be guilty was that it would make him popular. There are so many ways to read that and I’m not sure which one. Does she mean that John would never kill someone because he wants to be popular and as the alpha bitch, she wants to have an equally popular boyfriend? Or is she saying that John would never kill someone because that would make him popular and that’s the last thing he would want? I suppose the second version would make more sense cause she looked kind of annoyed saying it and if I were a popular, status obsessed cheerleader, I would be annoyed too with the fact that my boyfriend isn’t cool. Also while I’m at it, what exactly draws Ashley to John cause given her personality, I’m surprised she would be into an outcast like him?

In a sick and twisted way, I see why Adora has so much contempt for Camille. Adora is basically an embodiment of how so many of the women in Windgap behave: she’s a perfectionist, obsessed with her reputation, and a stepford smiler. In Adora’s eyes, Camille is the complete opposite. She’s a living embodiment of self destruction. She’s about as physically and mentally imperfect as it can get (in Adora’s eyes) - she self harms, she has a drinking problem, she’s an outcast. It’s taken me awhile to figure what precisely cause it feels like the show just instantly started with these two in a bad place right off the bat but I feel like I’m getting an idea of it now.

I’m still wondering what exactly made Camille want to ever hang out with her high school friends in the first place. She seems like such an oddball from a young age and clearly isn’t interested in their gossip so why was she even their friend. Was she like them and then something happened (her assault or her sister’s death I’m assuming) and that forever changed her? Or was she never like them ever? It just seems too unbelievable that she would ever be friends with people like this (but then again, she was a young, impressionable age so things change).

Also these scenes with her high school friends feel a little too... in your face if it makes sense. I feel like the show has always been very subtle about their portrayal of women and then Camille’s high school friends are so bluntly shallow and anti-feminist that they come off sort of one dimensional. Maybe that’s the point but I would have preferred if they had a little more depth.

That football player (can’t remember his name) that assaulted Camille basically coming to her and apologizing was frustrating. I’m a woman and obviously hearing a guy basically say that now that he has his own daughters, he would never want them to come near a guy like him. What’s even more ridiculous is that it’s haunting him when it clearly has taken a greater toll on Camille than it ever would on him.

I have to say this party scene was very entertaining. Camille in a room with a bunch of drunk teens trying to stop teenagers from fighting with each other is just funny to me. She sticks out like a fish out of water. On top of that, it’s interesting seeing how Ashley and Amma don’t like each other since I always wondered to myself who exactly the queen bee was between these two. And that “baby killer” comment...? I’m probably interpreting this wrong but were they suggesting that Ashley had gotten an abortion.

I can’t go a review without talking about Amma of course. Every episode she becomes even more insane to watch (sorry I really don’t know how to explain it). She’s so unbelievably good at pushing everyone’s buttons and the way she pushes Camille is just bizarre. From making jokes about her scars, to dragging her along to this party, to the comments she makes to Ashley, Amma REALLY does not know her limits. But that scene where they’re playing “rolling roulette” and the kissing was just mind boggling to me. I think if I wasn’t thinking so deeply into Amma’s character, I would find the scene to be incestuous (and to a certain extent, honestly who the fuck would do that with their sister) but on the other hand, I see as Amma’s way of inserting her dominance on Camille. She’s still trying to intimidate and unnerve her, make her as uncomfortable as possible and she does a really successful job at that.

Also that part about how controlling boys is easy because you make them like you in order to control them whereas for girls, you have to make them fear you was quite machiavellian but for Windgap, pretty on the spot.

#you know I might be writing these loooong reviews of these episodes #but theres so much I feel like im not understanding #but in terms of what’s going on in camille’s head #I don’t does anyone else get confused by this show or is it just me #idk it’s too complex for me sometimes #sharp objects