#instead... it feels like ive been slowly bleeding out. a gaping wound that isnt closing no matter how much i desperately try to.

[orcelito]

Me painting my nails all black at almost 5 am when I have to be up by 10 to work at 11

Thinking to myself, "Ah. I really am not doing okay."

#speculation nation #negative/ #i guess. #i keep wavering on whether im coping fine or not #im trying. trying to not linger too much. trying to just live my life and continue pursuing my interests #tricking myself that everything is okay. smiling and laughing and enjoying the little things #and then it's nearly 5 am and im remembering the time my uncle came into my bubble tea shop while i was working #a surprise visit. and i got to take his order & recommend him things. a nice little thing. #im remembering trips with him. him driving and me being a little wallflower. but my family expects this so it's okay #im remembering my birthday. this year. where i was free from school and so looking forward to the summer #and then like a week later i got the news that my uncle had cancer. and a week after that my cat died. #and i got through it. i worked on getting better. i was starting to get better. & then i got the call from my dad #that my uncle was in the hospital again. and a week and a half later he was dead. #and here i am now. nearly 3 weeks later. and what do i have to show for it? #with cassy i cried 14 times in one night. it felt like a stab in the chest. a horrible wound. one i still flinch from remembering. #with my uncle... i had time to prepare myself. i began grieving well before he died. so it wasnt such a horrible shock to my system #instead... it feels like ive been slowly bleeding out. a gaping wound that isnt closing no matter how much i desperately try to. #bc the fact of the matter is that this is family. my uncle. who ive known my entire life. & who i was pretty close to #at least compared to my aunts on my mom's side. ive always been closer to my family on my dad's side. #it's not going to go away so soon. i know this. and it doesnt help that ive been away from my family for so much of this. #the memorial is in a week. im hoping it will help to heal the wound. at least a little bit. #i hate living life feeling like i have a hole in my chest. i hate losing people i love. #animal death ment/ #death/ #regardless. my nails are black. and it's time to go to sleep.