#it didn't occur to me how big these things are until a podcast i was listening to mentioned they create their own weather patterns

[byoungernj]

NYC Marathon: Part 3

I had heard from multiple people to expect the Queensboro Bridge to be quiet and to be ready for the roar on 1st ave when I come off. I was so immersed in what was going on, it didn't occur to me that I was on THE bridge until about half way across. I was looking at all the elite bottles that had been dropped, peaking to see if any of them had names. There were some big names up front and it was cool to remember I was following behind. Things were quiet but it's NYC quiet, so there are plenty of sounds. I had listened to a podcast telling all things NYCM. On that episode, they spoke of the banners with letters/numbers on them that helped medical staff identify exact locations if someone was in need of help. This was the first place I noticed these banners and I nodded in my head a well done. I would love to work on a major marathon medical team one day and it was cool to know this fun fact.

We made a 180 degree turn and onto 1st we go. I have to say, I was actually sort of disappointed. The noise was not at all what I had hoped. It was loud, don't get me wrong, but I'm sure there were parts of Brooklyn that were louder. So much so I heard my friends off to the side for the first time. I posted a quite comical series of photos as I tried to cross the street. 1st ave was extremely long, luckily I had known this as well. (Thanks Ali On The Run) I did get to see the lovely Alyssa and Kelly of Brave Like Gabe. I ran over to them and then awkwardly stopped, not wanting to hug them in my disgusting state. It was somewhere near the entrance to the Bronx that I noticed my pace start to slow. I was extremely pleased with how far I had run at my pace so I was fine with the slower effort. By this point, no matter how much water I was drinking it never seemed to get rid of my thirst. And now, it was making my stomach a bit uncomfortable. In the Bronx I had that magical ice cold water and was sad that JLo was not there to welcome us all.

Quickly we were back into Manhattan and down 5th ave we went. This is where the race started to get uncomfortable. I was hot, soaked, dehydrated (or so I felt), and I still hadn't seen my mom. I took things 1 mile at a time, trying to catch any runners who were coming back to me. There was a light rain at this point but you couldn't tell. People were setting off confetti cannons and playing music. This was where we needed it the most. We were following along the side of Central Park. I was past 22 miles but those last few miles felt so far. I knew we went into the park and back out, I had also heard the hills were awful. To tell you the truth, they didn't bother me. Maybe that was because I hadn't truly raced that day, or that I embraced the much slower pace I was now slogging through. I got to see friends again and people watch as the miles went by. With over a mile ago I finally heard a familiar voice, it was my mom. I cleared across the road and presented her with the most disgusting hug. I was now in the home stretch with the support of my people.

It was in this final mile that I took a moment to remember everything that got me here. This was my 10th marathon. A fun number to celebrate. I had finally broken 3 hours and was now in a new adventure with the marathon that was freeing. I had raced for fun. I had raised just over $1000 for an organization that I feel very deeply for. I thought of every person who had supported me in some way. Of course Craig for being my guiding light and friend through the many years since I met him. The many individuals who shared miles with me - Megan, Kemmer, Katie, the 520 crew, and many more. The people who provided words of encouragement when I needed them after a disappointment - Kaela, Kara, Sweeney. Friends who had traveled with me to races - Leslie, Maggie, Crystal. Everyone who had donated and supported the great cause that is BLG. Chelsea for housing me that weekend. I thought of Gabe and how sad I am that I never met her but so thankful that her life goals continue on in others. That I had this opportunity to honor her. To my parents and brother for putting up with my rollercoaster 'hobby'. Lastly to me. To me for sticking with this crazy race. For putting my goals out there, failing, and getting back up. For wanting to continually challenge myself to be better. For not giving up.

Back out of the park and along the southern boarder we ran. A quick step over the curb and we had made the final turn back into the park. The finish line is lined with flags of every country represented. Up high, pictures of past winners. I smiled when I saw Shalane. But as we got closer it was a bit underwhelming. I thought the same with Chicago. Now that the elites were gone, so had the fans that had grandstand access. There weren't as many people out yelling and celebrating. It's a bummer they don't allow more people in once the masses come through.

I neared the finish. Heard Ali Feller yelling out names and got a glimpse. She's my favorite podcast host and such a joy of a human that it was cool to see her in person. Now for the long waddle out of the park. It was actual quite nice. The road was shaded, we had bags full of snacks and water. They still gave out the 'heat' blankets but there was no way I was putting that thing on. It was soft on the inside and the last thing I needed was the weight of my sweat in that thing. I stopped for pictures with my medal, showing off the BLG logo in the shot.

I had planned to meet my mom at Levain Bakery. Once there, unfortunately there was nowhere to sit but I called her to give her an update. Now looking back, it's sort of funny that she got 'stuck' in the park. 1 volunteer told her she couldn't cross the course and that sent her on a goose chase, going in circles without any luck getting out. Finally someone told her to go ahead and cross...about 30 minutes later. For someone who prides themselves on knowing NYC, it made me laugh. Chelsea had found me at this point and they helped guide each other back together. She met me with clean dry clothes to change and we all sat down at the closet bar - the usual post race burger and cider for me. Next thing I know we are on the train back to Hoboken. I was a bit bummed that for the first time I hand energy to celebrate but we were already out of the city and back in NJ. I still got my ice cream once back in TR.

It was really weird being back home, with my baby boy Finn the evening after I ran a marathon. It felt so underwhelming. I had run the NYC Marathon. The biggest race in the world and it felt like just another day. But it was special. What a way to see the city. What a large celebration of people of every color, age, gender, etc coming together to have a party. I think I smiled the whole way. I'm glad I waited until NYRR brought the whole field size back. NYCM is back and I'm excited to see which one of Megan's friends runs it next.

So what's up next? I'm 6 weeks out from running Berlin. I've never been out of North America so this will be so fun. It's a delayed graduation gift to myself for sure. 'Prost!'

[mylittlegemlins]

STEVINEL IS NOT PEDOPHILE (AND IS BAD SAY IT)

Hello everyone 💖

Index:

introduction

inspiration

-pedophilia

- biological age

- mental age

- age of gems

-case spinel

-conclusion.

Today I finally got the inspiration from multiple publications stating that stevinel is in fact a pedophile ship and therefore we should not support it. Since I am a multishiper and I am very much in love with spinel I could not miss the opportunity to defend this ship to cloak and dagger.

Many of these comments I saw in the English fandom and the truth is that the debate did not seem to go anywhere like:

-is a pedophile ship one has 6000 and 17

-the gems are ageless.

[And I didn't really see that they would get anywhere, especially with a lot of immature people insulting most of the time and let's admit that comments from networks like Instagram or Twitter are not the best place to debate

Let's start by getting some concepts straight: Pedophilia :

Sexual attraction of an adult to a child of either sex. (google dictionary) This means that there must be a crush on a person who is (usually) considered an adult at 18 years of age or older and a minor who can be a baby from 5 years old to a puberty of about 14 years old, and between an adult + 20 years old and a teenager - 18 years old. Pedophilia does not occur among people who are at the same stage of life. Like two teenagers or two adults even if their ages seem far apart, see the case of two adults whose age difference is between 30 and 50 years.

Biological age

Biological age is marked by the number of years since your birth that your body and mind develop and change. We human beings have clear concepts of life stages, we know when childhood, adolescence, adulthood and old age begin. There are even approximate ages where one has to consider oneself an adult. Like 18 or 21 years old.

And a number of behaviors are expected depending on your age, for example if you've had a brother or a cousin and you've seen it since you were a baby you may have seen one of these little brochures of what a healthy child should do depending on his age. Mental age Mental age is measured by a person's intellect and knowledge, which may or may not coincide with biological age.

Since biological age is expected to coincide with mental age and healthy development is usually measured only by the time a person has lived. Now, how does this work for gems? According to the concepts of the series a gem is literally a stone with a physical form of light, like a hologram with mass, these share many characteristics of humans such as being able to think, feel emotions and imitate some actions that naturally do not need to do like eating and sleeping. In humans it is very easy to measure age only by the amount of time since birth, because they change, and as the pink diamond itself showed. Gems can change but they don't need to.

The gems society is characterized by having a defined and static role and if you don't comply with it you are dead. Let's start with the mental age: In the diamond society everything worked in a very simple way, if you were born and you had to be a mechanic, you will be one for the rest of your life, since you are born with the necessary knowledge to fulfill this role. You don't need to learn new things unless it is about mechanics since you will not dedicate yourself to anything else, you don't need to alter your physical form since you are not allowed to, you don't need to change since you must fulfill your work and nothing else.

Your mental age remains completely stagnant because it does not have the need to mature just to fulfill your work, the gems are born with the ability to speak, communicate and interpret ideas, as is the case of Ruby Leggy, who was born one day when he left for his first mission.

Biological age :

The same Pearl confirmed that the gems cannot be babies, nor to age, reason why the babys and the old age do not exist for the gems. To the being its body only a projection of light the form that can acquire is very varied and changes of radical way in some occasions, although the form that represents an adult woman, this form changes radically depending on the class of gems, lapis lazuli and pearl have a body formed of a young woman, the quartz gems have a much more muscular and robust body that is made much to a physical-culturalist man.

The clearest example of a male gem is Topaz, since anyone would think he was a man until the moment they heard his voice, and even though the rutile twins use the female pronouns have a masculine appearance.

Gems like Fluorite are represented as a much older woman, even though their components may all be young.

She speaks very slowly due to the amount of gems that have to process the information within her mind.

And gems like Padparadcha have a much younger and smaller appearance, like some girls, compared to Sapphire because of her behavior Not to mention gems that are literally rocks and walls that are impossible to classify. All of these exaggeratedly different shapes make people interpret gems with different ages based on their behavior and appearance.

amethyst is the example of a growing gem, perhaps the fact that it is defective has a lot to do with it, she crawls in her first seconds of life during the film and imitates everyone like an infant trying to form her personality from others, she had a much sweeter and smaller appearance in Greg and Rose's flashbacks, being carried by Perla and hiding behind Rose's lack, Rebecca confirms on a podcast that Rose was like a mother to amethyst, if the gems were adults without exception, why would an adult need a mother figure of another adult?

Her outfit accompanies her as she has comfortable clothes and a skirt, she behaves like a teenage big sister figure for Steven during the series by accompanying him, at the same time that he allows himself to mock and fight with him, having that love / hate relationship that many people with brothers can understand and as an adult when reaching the future.

Peridot is represented in a very childish way too, the people who ship stevidot did it because they saw a kid, suddenly she was the same size as Steven, she behaved childishly and Mr. Smile called her kid, so far it was only confirmed that It was from era 2, so it could be both 5000 and 5 years old.

Probably the gems need to get along as a team, if they have to coexist with many other gems, but in theory this does not go beyond a coexistence or friendship of work colleagues since dependence or romance leads to sentimentality, which for the mother planet is useless and even harmful. In short, from birth all their social and intellectual development is truncated and they cannot mature So for most gems on homeworld their mental age is almost the same from birth to destruction.

This was demonstrated with Peridot and lapis in the episode "The New Crystal Gems" Both are gems from the mother planet, one knew how to terraform planets and the other had extensive knowledge of engineering, however they fought over who was to blame for their failure using insults like "foolish" and comparing themselves with other people, a very childish behaviour. So much so that a human thousands of years younger had to correct them. Within the series we were unable to confirm if peridot and lapis had a team to socialize with. So it is likely that throughout their lives they have not had the need to socialize and live together, or even accept their mistakes. Peridot seemed like a child prodigy with so many scenes of childish behavior and her high knowledge of what she was assigned, while other gems like pink diamond were born as immature children and it took her millennia to reach maturity.

With the case of spinel it is completely different. In her introduction stanza she says "her cut is perfect and she is pink too, she will give you endless entertainment, your new spinel best friend" that and together with what later says pearl "she was the little pink diamond playmate". It gives us an idea of what spinel used to look like.

It even strikes me that pearl refers to her as "little playmate" giving the impression that some gems are considered bigger than others based on their rank/trade or size.

First, let's remember that Spinel is literally based on a cuddly toy that Rebecca loved but forgot in a garden and when she returned after a year her belly was black from the fading sun, the doll was in the same place but had already been permanently damaged. Rebecca wanted her character to feel old as "stuck in time" that's why she uses Ruben Hose style animation from the 30's and later in future she uses references to 90's video games to give the feeling that she grew up since she left the earth but she still keeps an old and animated essence.

Spinel is a gem that was born perfectly fine and flawless, besides being literally a living cartoon like a lonnytoon, was created only with knowledge of gameplay and fun to eternally entertain its owner, and that was all she cared about, making her best friend happy .

She was practically a child, all she cared about was playing and being happy with her best friend, something that a neuro-typical adult would not do. She spends most of the movie without leaving Steven's side, even when she sees that he is depressed she can't think of a way to comfort him and just tries to make him laugh, instead of asking him about the problem and trying to provide him with a solution. I can't help but think that she was playing the whole time, from her fight in her evil form and the time she was in her friendly form with the rest of the gems, since almost every battle consists of dodging the attacks as if she were playing tag, and using the gems as dolls or balls. He even says he doesn't want to play anymore when he's done with Steven 💔

And after being stuck in the garden doing nothing but waiting without moving, the phrase "stuck in time" becomes more literal since by doing absolutely nothing but thinking there is no change or maturity. It is not until after the trauma that she goes into a fit of thinking she has changed for the worse, but she was not thinking reasonably at that time. Her best friend left her and she wanted to kill a whole planet. What was she going to do after she succeeded? How would she get back to the mother planet where we had killed a new diamond?

After the film she goes on with her life with the diamonds, the series did not deepen much in her development so she seems to be better, even after her scars manifested in tears and dark circles she still maintains an energetic personality, excited and wanting to help even if it is with a stupid song. Spinel is certainly not close to looking like a mature adult for her 6000 years of age, like many other gems.

As for her physical form I am not 100% sure what age she is approaching as the designs of the gems are very varied and extravagant. She has an adorable and childish design, like a cuddly toy, her height is in fact almost the same as Steven's (17 years old) and she also has good hips in some scenes. I would say that her shape resembles that of a young girl.

Even people who are not very familiar with the series might classify her as a child or a teenager, but not as an adult. Because the logic of the human body and biological age cannot be applied to gemstones, this is the reason why many ships Stevenx gem are so popular, but adult human x Steven don't exist at all. Because they know that age only applies to humans.

I know I've focused a lot on Spinel but because of Steven being half human there's not much mystery.

His physical form literally fits his mental age. Let's also remember that Steven is not 14 anymore, he was 16 at the time of the movie and 17 in the middle of the Future series, there were many time jumps within this series and I think the longest one was right at the end, where it had been months since the collapse and since he started therapy, when he finally decided to move he could perfectly have been 18, which is the age to become independent, at least in the USA, he is not a child, he is starting his young adult stage, just 4 years old from the age Greg was when he fell in love with Rose.

Conclusion.

Even if he were 17, he can drive, he can move, he can be independent and choose his own path, he had just left the nest and that is called being a conscious adult. Besides the fact that the separation of 18 years is used only for consent to sexual relationships before the law, but in practice it is the approximate age at which a person should already mark his maturity, that you like ships with minors is not a justification for drawing nsfw with minor characters, and it is not intended to defend that in any way in this blog, ships like the conniverse can work without +18 content in the same way that stevinel can have content without +18.

The gems can have an age but it is not at all similar to that of humans, since by the circumstances you are can remain stagnant during millennia or change in few years, the same for their physical form since you are not able to acquire a form of baby or old people, and its body remains of the same size throughout all its life, except for cases like the one of Rose/Pink.

I know that there are many people who don't like stevinel because it is toxic or because there is conniverse and I won't say that it isn't because the blog is not about that.

I know some will say that "but they are adults, no matter how they look, act and be like children." Well, it does matter, since we are talking about immortal aliens who are not born, grow, reproduce, or die.

The cartoons do not always represent human beings realistically, much less immortal characters. In fantasy a child can have a highly developed body or a PhD, and an adult can transform into a child with time machines and grow twice.

The fact that Steven falls in love with a gem whose shape resembles that of his age is as healthy as Greg, who fell in love with a gem in a physical form similar to women of his age, Who should have the appearance and maturity of an elderly woman for her millions of years, but the fact that she acts and looks like an adult is what makes her an adult character. His cousin Andy confirmed that he has always liked big women, so he could have fallen in love with Rose 4 years earlier too.

Spinel does not have to exercise a power relationship over Steven, her dependence arises from the fear of being abandoned and not because she is jealous of her other friends, when she leaves with the diamonds, it is seen that she is not attached to them all the time. He gives himself the freedom to meet new people through the halls of the palace and leave the diamonds alone when requested, proving that he is capable of changing for the better just as Steven told him.

So the relationship could work if the right circumstances are given, such as in the AU where fans give themselves the freedom to invent scenarios where the spinel does not try to kill him, where Steven is of legal age, where both are human, etc. And so with many other ships that can go from toxic to healthy in a few fanfic chapters.

We must not forget that it is a caricature and that everyone can have fun shiping characters. Unfortunately this age argument has become a bad excuse to hate a shipp or the people behind it.

And it's wrong to say this because reducing such a strong theme to something childish, fictional and fantasy can be considered an offense to the victims that exist in real life, this myth has given rise to what real people who cannot enjoy their tastes and what others find a perfect excuse to be haters without measuring their words.

Both children and adults do not perceive an adult and a child in relationships involving immortal characters even after knowing the series, this was never the first thought of someone who saw the characters together, in fact it was 5 months from the release of the film before I found out that someone was calling the relationship "pedophilia".

Because they don't grow linearly like humans do. Unlike relationships between human characters of a more realistic appearance as happened with Danny PantomxVlad where they can see first sight who is the adult and who is the child.

What they can see with the naked eye is how well accepted it is to insult the likes of others, that it's okay to be made to feel bad for making the terrible mistake of liking a ship, and that you have the right to insult the likes of others. if they do the same with yours. Which is too present in the Steven Universe fandom.

So no, they are not protecting children from pedophilia in the SU fandom, they are harming real children at the cost of trying to protect a fictional young man, making them insecure of their tastes, giving them the tools necessary to hate someone to death, and making them accept that their tastes are terrible and they must swallow them even if they are not doing anything wrong.

Accusing innocent people of pedophiles, liking or promoting pedophilia is not something you can take so lightly, also it should be illegal if everyone can be a pedophile for simple and innocent things, the word loses its meaning and the subject is taken too lightly, reducing the severity of actual pedophilia and causing serios problems for people who ate wrongfully accused.

They both look good together to me and I can still enjoy comics and pictures of them together, and those who don't, live with it, and enjoy your favorite ship.

Well I really hope you liked this, I can't believe it's 14 thousand characters, remember that insulting comments will be deleted or blocked. Thank you so much for watching :3

#stopthehateplease #stevinel #my ships #steven universe #sunews #steven universe future #steven universe ships #spinel #crewpleasehelp #connieverse #pink steven #Spinel #antis #haters #no ignore the real victims #steven universe spinel #insult stenel is insult victims #stopbullying #toxic #toxic fandom #su future

[alexkingstonflirt]

David Tennant does a podcast with Catherine Tate

On the new era of Doctor Who: I don’t know that I would have ever necessarily seen a whole episode. I heard it was coming back or it’s come back with Russell T. Davies and Chris Eccleston. So obviously it’s a massive big deal. So I turn on and its the episode about where Rose is a baby. So everything now set back at the 80s. This is my introduction to the new re branded Doctor Who and I’m looking and; ‘Well, it’s absolutely shocking. Like the production values haven’t changed at all.’ This is how I remember it. It’s been set as a period piece. They’ve dug up the old costumes. A fundamental misunderstanding and I just didn’t bother watching it anymore. I remember thinking: ‘This is absolutely appalling. It looks exactly like when I watched when I was a kid and didn’t think anything more about it until you came on.’ 

On David Tennant’s Doctor and her casting: I didn’t watch it but I knew you were on it and I knew that I thought you were great and then I got a call to say: ‘Would you be in this episode?’ And I said…I didn’t read it or anything, I didn't’ know what the part was, anything like that, I said; Absolutely, I’d love to.’

On the first Donna script: Cause I like to open stuff in the middle and just see… open it up when I first get a script and remember that bit that I just read so when I get to film it I think: Oh, this was the bit I first looked at. And it said: Donna is suspended in a massive cobweb in a ceiling wearing a wedding dress and I remember thinking; Well, this is something new, isn’t it?

On the level of enthusiasm of the show: No.No.No. Didn’t know anything about it. In fact I actually don’t think I realised actually till last year quite how popular this show is. I certainly had no idea that my character got...” 

On the conventions: I’ve certainly experienced things at conventions that I have not experienced…there is a level of intensity that I hadn’t expected. I think you are sort of shocked and you know, delighted but amazed at as well. Cause I had to really kind of remember stuff cause I don’t even remember what I was wearing on the show. And then people come up and say: ‘Do you recognise this?’ and you go; Why would I recognise that? And it’s cause they are wearing something I wore and now I know. I mean, I suppose the wedding dress gave it away a little bit but it still didn’t occur to me that they were dressing as me… It’s a delightful thing to be a spectator at, cause I think I am spectator at those events. 

On her maybe being a Whovian?: *She laughs* I don’t think I have. I mean I do genuinely feel that I am part of something tho. But I just don’t know what…I don’t think I know the depths of what I’m part of cause they talk about things I don’t know. 

#catherine tate #David Tennant #doctor who #donna noble #fandom

[caranfindel]

Recap/review 14.19: “Jack in the Box”

THEN: Eh, you know all this. Oh, wait, here's something interesting - a reminder that Naomi was overcome by the Empty slime. Which reminds me of my theory that Naomi and/or Duma might actually be the Empty Entity. Hmmm. Oh, and also, all the Jack stuff.

NOW: There's a bunch of hunters in the bunker, drining beer and looking at pictures of Mary and her stuff on the map table. Including the picture Sam burned. Well, I'm glad it wasn't the only copy. And whatever these rings and calipers are that are always on the map table, apparently they're permanent, because they weren't removed for this little memorial display. Also, John's journal is part of the display, and I know they gave it to Mary to read, but still, it's John's. This bothers me.

So, are these surviving AU hunters? If not, that means the Winchesters have opened the bunker up to every hunter they know (and revealed its location to everyone they know), which is... not what I would have done. TFW makes an entrance (why were they not in there with their guests) and Dean thanks them for coming and makes a little speech but I'm finding it real hard to concentrate on Dean right now because LOOK AT SAM'S SHIRT. LOOK AT IT. It's CLOSE-FITTING and it's NOT PLAID and whatever awful things this episode does (and my completely unspoiled prediction is that IT WILL DO AWFUL THINGS), we at least got this.

I strongly suspect this is actually Jared's shirt.

Dean informs the gathered that they missed the pyre, sorry. And he mentions that some of them fought Michael with her in the other world so they ARE AU hunters! Or at least some of them! Well, that's good to know. Sam doesn't have to feel personally responsible for killing everyone who came over, just a handful. Including the only one who had a name, and probably that guy who called him Chief (sob), but some of them remain. Anyway. Dean gives his eulogy (and Sam's not the only worth a second look in this scene, because Dean looks pretty amazing as well) and they drink beer and then an AXE FLIES IN OUT OF NOWHERE, SLOWLY AND AWKWARDLY SPIRALING INTO A HUNTER'S HEAD. People seem surprised, but it's the mild kind of surprise you'd get if he threw his beer at somebody, not if an axe suddenly appeared embedded in his head. The thrower of the axe walks in - it's New Bobby. WELL.

Title card! Bobby informs me that it was a hatchet, not an axe, and he wants it back. (Sidebar: It literally never occurred to me to think about the difference between a hatchet and an axe until earlier this week when I was listening to a murder podcast that specified someone was killed with one, not the other.) He also tell us that the "hunter" was actually a wraith "from a nest your mom and I busted up" and SEE, GUYS? This is why you don't invite people to the bunker. Now a bunch of wraiths probably know where it is. And we know the warding is a joke. Cas thinks Mary would have appreciated a monster at her memorial. I don't think Cas knows Mary very well but whatever.

Bobby asks Sam how he and "the other one" are doing, and we watch Dean pack up Mary's belongings (including John's journal? that's going away?) and Sam says he "seems to be doing okay" which is, of course, how they operate. No one asks how Bobby's doing, even though he had a relationship with Mary too (and over the course of her life probably spent as much time with her as Sam did, when you come right down to it), but Bobby says he's not into public displays of grief anyway, and Dean is probably the same (which is true, except for when it's very very not true).

Sam suggests they drink the scotch Ketch left (and I wonder if this means Ketch came for the memorial, and left some scotch, or if he's referring to a bottle from a previous season that somehow remained through all those events that really would have called for some serious scotch-drinking) and talk about Mom. Dean points out that they have been talking about Mom and stalks out and leaves Sam sad.

Sam and Bobby and Cas settle for beer instead, and Dean walks in just as Bobby asks "what exactly happened to her, cause I'm hearing, the kid." Oh, that's interesting that they wouldn't have given him the whole story. Or maybe it's not. Maybe it makes sense that they'd keep things vague, tell everyone she "died on a hunt." Dean needs a drink, but not in the bunker. Sam tells him they need to talk about Jack, and he says "we will" and quickly makes his escape. Bobby and Cas have this funny exchange.

I liked the kid. We fought together. But there's only way this ends.

Bobby's right. We have to find Jack and help him.

What?

Hee! Cas feels Jack might not realize what he did was wrong, and Bobby astutely points out that if he didn't realize it was wrong, that's kind of a big problem, because if Kelly's influence has been burned away, that means Lucifer is all that's left. Bobby means to hunt him down. "An unstoppable monster who don't know right from wrong gets put down." Um, Bobby, let's consider the unstoppable part of that declaration. (Also, should someone point out to Bobby that Jack accidentally killed someone even back when he did have a soul? Probably not.)

Cut to Jack, who is still? again? at an abandoned warehouse or factory or something. He's remembering what he did, and wishing his mother was there to tell him what to do. Oh, she's not here, but Hallucidad is. He tells Jack that the Winchesters don't care about him, he was just a pet and a weapon, and again, it hurts knowing that this is Jack's subconscious saying these things. Jack thinks he can explain and apologize, and if that's so, Jack, then why didn't you do that when they caught you raising Mary's not-corpse? No, says Hallucifer, they hate you.

Cut to Dean, sitting outside somewhere in the dark, crying.

This is not okay. I mean, it is, but it's not.

Heaven. (yawn.) Cas again tells Duma that he wants to see Naomi, and again she denies him. It turns out Naomi is in "a very small cell" because Heaven was invaded under her watch. I didn't think they had enough spare angels around to lock one up just because they don't think she's a good leader. She might be a great follower. (Yeah, probably not.) Cas tells her he needs help looking for Jack, who has burned through his soul and is no longer being protected by the Winchesters. Hmmm, she says, this is very useful information to have. Internally. Out loud, she tells Cas she'll see what she can do, which he of course takes as an offer to help. Oh, Cas.

Bunker. Sam's working at his computer when Dean comes back. Sam's wearing a different shirt. I don't know if that means it's the next day, or just that he changed out of his nice funeral shirt. He asks Dean how he's doing, but Dean ignores that and asks what Sam's doing.

Trying to find Jack. We've gotta find him before Bobby and his crew, because if they find him first -

He's gonna kill them all.

... I don't know.

Oh, Sam, you DO know. You are obviously concerned about Bobby et al killing Jack, not the other way around. And it breaks my heart. Sam also wants to talk about Mary and the fact that they don't have to rely on faith to know Mary's in Heaven, because they personally know Heaven and angels are real. Dicks, but real. He says Mary's in a great place, with John, because again we're forgetting or denying what we know about Heaven. Dean, the eternal ray of sunshine, points out that there wasn't enough of Mary left to bring back to life even if they wanted to.

Back to Jack, who has a surprise visitor. It's Duma! Oh, cool, she's helping Cas find him, just like she said she would! Ha ha ha nope. (Sidebar: How did Duma find him, and why doesn't Cas have the same ability? Discuss.) He remembers her from his trip to Heaven that one time he died. She tells him Mary's death wasn't his fault, and he deserves redemption after his mistake, because he has "a glorious destiny." She tells him Heaven has fallen apart since God left, and no one gives them the respect they deserve, but Jack, YOU can save Heaven and make the world better and wouldn't that make Sam and Dean happy? Their first stop on the Make The World Better Tour is to turn a famous God denier into a pillar of salt. Oh, irony. (Also, he's safe from ghosts now, so. Bonus?)

Bunker. Cas is telling the Winchesters that Heaven promised to "make every effort" to find Jack. Which 1) isn't exactly what we saw happening, unless you're naive enough to think "I'll see what I can do" means "I'll make every effort", and b) even if that is what Duma said, as Dean points out, "Oh, Heaven promised? Great, well we should take that to the bank." But Cas thinks Heaven has as much reason to want to find Jack as they do. Which is true. But doesn't mean they're going to turn him over to you, Cassie.

Coincidentally, Sam has just read about Professor Pillar of Salt. "Why does that sound familiar?" Dean asks. You know, I don't know the Bible very well. If a particular event didn't show up in "Jesus Christ Superstar" or "The Ten Commandments," I'm not likely to be familiar with it. And yet I know about Lot's wife turning into a pillar of salt. And I've never been to Heaven or met an angel. So.

Cas explains the story and says no ordinary angel could turn a human into salt. Sam reads another story about a dishonest televangelist (yeah, I know, that's redundant) who had a crevice open in the ground under her and swallow her up, and again Dean's not familiar with the story, but this time I'm not either. But Cas knows it's from the book of Numbers. Allegedly, only Jack or Chuck himself could perform these acts.

Heaven. Duma tells Jack he's doing excellent work, and he can help bring Heaven back to its previous glory.

Sam and Dean will like that?

Words can't begin to express how Sam and Dean will feel.

Hee!

So let's talk about what's going on here. I appreciate that they're framing this as Jack trying to get back into Sam and Dean's good graces. In fact, I'm a little hopeful at this point. If Jack-who-is-being-used-by-Heaven is the Big Bad, doesn't that mean stopping the Big Bad could just mean they rescue him from Duma's manipulation? Maybe? (Yeah, I know. But a girl can dream.)

Anyway. Duma's next task for Jack is to create more angels. She tells him he can't make them out of thin air, but if a human is "predisposed" to it, he might be able to forge them into an angel. Oooooh, this opens up some chilling possibilities about who could be turned into an angel. But it turns out he's not going after anybody named Winchester. He's just sitting on the throne "where your grandfather received prayers" (and where your father sat) and listening to prayers. (Sidebar: Why hasn't Sam tried to communicate with Jack by praying to him? Discuss.)

For whatever reason, he hones in on one particular group of worshippers who are about to discuss the book of Samuel (hee!) with Pastor Ames. Jack zaps into the room, asks if they meant it when they said they wanted to go to Heaven, and shows them his wings. Sold! Pastor Ames missing that demonstration, so when he comes in and calls Jack a liar, Jack hits him with another Biblical curse: "he was eaten by worms and breathed his last." Pastor Ames falls to the ground with worms popping out of him everywhere, and Jack and his future angels disappear.

Hospital. Guys, look at the suits! Have they ever worn such narrow pants? What is going on here? Someone new in the wardrobe department?

Mama like.

Agents Kilmister, Clark, and Taylor (hee) are visiting bandaged-up Pastor Ames, who identifies a photo of Jack. They leave, and Cas recites the relevant verse and Sam says, surprised, "so you think this is another Bible thing?" AS IF THAT WASN'T WHY THEY'RE HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE, and as they leave, we see that Pastor Ames is not over his worm infestation after all.

Back at the bunker, Dean tells Sam that he didn't want it to come to this, but they have no choice. Come to what? What's behind the door in room 5B? It's the thing we all knew was coming - the box! (And if you didn't see it coming, the title of this episode clearly gave it away, which is why I consider titles of unaired episodes to be spoilers.) Sam, who is clearly not behind this plan in any way shape or form, points out that they don't have the ability to force Jack into the box, and he won't go in there of his own free will.

But he might. He might if he only has to stay in there long enough for us to finish the spell to fix his soul.

Spell? What spell? There is no spell.

*We* know that.

Oh, no, this is not good, and Sam already hates it.

... So, you want to lie to him.

No, I mean, I *want* Zeppelin to get back together. But what I *need*, what *we* need, is to stop Jack. Big difference. But here's the deal; we both gotta sign off on it. This might be our only shot, and if he even catches a whiff that this is a scam, he's off into the wind.

Exactly. Now, how do you think he's not gonna know something's up?

Because you're gonna be so damn sincere -

Me? Why me?

Because you've always been in his corner. You're his go-to guy. Sam, if you reach out, he'll come. If I do it, after what happened to Mom, I could lose him. I *will* lose him.

Oh no, no, no, Sam is SO not on board with this plan. Because the worst thing that could happen is that it doesn't work, and the second worst thing is that it does work. Dean is so calmly insistent, and Sam is so unhappy, and his FACE when Dean tells him HE will be sincere is just killing me, and no matter what I think about this episode or or this entire story arc, I love what the guys are doing with this scene.

Maybe it's just me, but I'm finding a silver lining here.

Sam sits down at the library table and begins praying to Jack, which doesn't answer my question of why they haven't already tried communicating with him that way. In fact, it makes me ask it harder. He tells him that they're family, and bad things happen in families but they want to get through it, they want to be like they were before. Jack hears Sam's prayer as he assembles his future angels. Meanwhile, Cas has barged his way into Heaven to rescue Jack, having figured out that Heaven has no mercy and angels do bad things, and Cas? How is this POSSIBLY news to you? Duma threatens to end Mary and John's happy little afterlife together (Is this confirmation that they really are sharing a Heaven, even though his name isn't on the door? Maybe. Do I accept it? Not necessarily) so Cas stabs her. Well. We're down to, what, ten angels now? He calls for Jack, but Jack's already gone, having just appeared in the bunker.

Jack tells Sam and Dean he's been working with Heaven, and "if it helps, I regret it... the accident."

Again, the guys do a beautiful job with this scene. Even if it's an awful, awful scene, they're acting the hell out of it. Sam is as anxious as he was when he was trapped in a cell with Jack the day he was born, the way his hands twitch when he gets up from the table and circles behind Dean, and then carefully places himself between Dean and Jack, and how he physically reacts when Jack steps closer, and they're both keeping their distance and moving so carefully, and then there's the way Dean is practically unblinking and is very obviously working SO HARD not to spontaneously combust, staying practically motionless and keeping his voice even, although anyone could tell he's absolutely BOILING under the surface from the look on his face and his tone of voice every time he says the accident. All of this is amazing.

But yeah, it is also an awful scene. Because Jack isn't guilty or apologetic at all. He's actually kind of smug about working with Heaven and making angels, and very condescending about regretting "the accident," and I just don't think he would be there. I think he would tell them how sorry he was, and that he tried to fix it, and basically everything he said to Hallucifer. He wouldn't say "I knew you'd understand" when they tell him they forgive him. His blind self-assurance would make sense if it came at the end of a 2- or 3-episode arc, where Duma had spent more than a day telling him how awesome he was. So while I love Sam and Dean in this scene, love them to pieces, Jack is just... ugh. Beyond OOC. Moving on. Dean tells Jack they're working on a way to fix his soul, and they want to keep him safe (from having another ACCIDENT) in the meanwhile. Sam oh-so-tentatively puts a hand on Jack's shoulder and dear GOD he is so afraid and I LOVE IT.

Again, quite a silver lining to this dark little raincloud.

They take him to the room with the magic box, which Dean claims is "actually pretty comfortable." Dean stays still and Sam fidgets and Jack says "okay" and climbs into the box. "How long before I can come out?" he asks. Sam is more and more fidgety as he says "not too long," and Dean is like stretched rubber band about to snap as he holds himself back from slamming the lid down. "Jack, we got this," Sam lies. "Okay," Jack says again, and he lies down and they didn't even put a pillow in the damn box, why does he think this is okay, why does he think they're working in his best interest if they didn't even give him a damn pillow? Dean shuts the lid and rushes to close the locks and Sam hates this, hates it so much.

Shhh. Don't even listen. Just turn the sound down and enjoy the pretty, pretty angst.

Alone in the box, Jack calls to the Winchesters, but they're already shutting the door to room 5B. They move to the kitchen to finish off Ketch's scotch and talk about the future.

So what do we do now? Just go on, with Jack locked up in there forever?

We have to.

I don't know if I can do that.

Dean ignores Sam's shaky voice and decides to talk about the scotch and sure, we all recognize this is Dean's way of coping. Pretend it's not happening, pretend it doesn't bother him. Because I have to think that, no matter how much he wants revenge against Jack, he understands that being locked in that box forever is still a horrible fate. (A fate Dean was willing to accept, but still.) Sam, meanwhile, needs to talk, just like he needed to talk about Mary.

You know, I never thought it would end like this, with Jack.

Sammy, we knew from the beginning it was a long shot with him.

Yeah. Yeah. But, long shots are kind of our thing.

So let's talk about Sam's guilt. His beautiful, beautiful guilt. Not only over tricking someone he loves into being locked up in a box forever, but for bringing Jack into their lives in the first place. And yet. Jack has always been unstoppable, hasn't he? So if Sam hadn't opened his humongous heart and taken him in, he would have been out there alone. No one teaching him how to use and control his powers, no one keeping him away from Lucifer. He would have been an unstoppable enemy instead of an unpredictable ally. Sam did the right thing, even though it ended bad. Because it was always going to end bad.

Have I mentioned that I could watch an entire episode that was just Dean drinking?

Back in room 5B, Jack's starting to panic, and still calling for Sam and Dean. They don't show up, but Hallucifer does (oh god, I want to see Sam find out he basically locked Jack in that box with Lucifer) and informs Jack he's been played.

In the kitchen, Cas arrives with the news that Duma has been manipulating Jack, and they really need to find him. The guys are all, oh, whoops, forgot to call you, he's here, locked in the box.

Jack gets glowy eyes and tries to break out of the box, but nothing happens.

Cas is horrified that the guys still plan to keep Jack in the box, even knowing his latest acts were due to being manipulated. Sam says "That's the problem. If he's that easily manipulated, he's too dangerous to be out of the box." Oh, no he doesn't. Instead, Dean says "He agreed to it." Yes, in much the same way Sam agreed to be Gadreel's vessel. You keep telling yourself that, Dean. In fact, Dean is trying to claim that deep down, Jack knows it's best. Oh, no, no you don't. Cas points out that Dean manipulated Jack as much as Duma did.

(Sidebar: I'm convinced that Sam would be able to forgive Jack. Because of his endless capacity for forgiveness, and because he sees himself as being in Jack's shoes at a different point in his life. Dean, on the other hand, would not. Because Dean is a normal human being when it comes to forgiveness, and because Dean puts loyalty to family above everything else.)

Box. Jack tries harder. Lucifer laughs. The box glows.

Kitchen. The arguing is interrupted by an earth-shattering kaboom. Things fall off shelves. The red emergency lights and klaxon come on. TFW leaps up and runs to room 5B. The room is a smoke-filled wreck and a figure with glowing gold eyes is walking out of the red-tinged smoke. "Jack," Sam gasps.

Duh duh duuuuuhhhh! Next week, Cas makes Dean write I knew a nephilim was more powerful than its angel parent but I assumed the box would be stronger than Jack anyway 100 times on the blackboard.

Okay, the bad happened, as we all figured it would. But let's talk about the good. Jack's not locked in the box forever. That's a relief - it would have been a very unsatisfactory conclusion. And the guys looked extraordinary. And there was so much emotion, both the tightly-controlled type, and the worn-on-his-sleeve type, and I love them both. Honestly, considering what happened in this one, and who wrote it, it was a lot better than I expected. A lot better than it could have been. (Will I go read your reactions now and see that every single one of you disagrees with me? Quite possibly.)

Next week is the next-to-last "Carry On Wayward Son."

Please help me stay unspoiled, thanks!

#spn #tv recaps #recap #14.19 #spoilers

[hashtagsmitty]

Smitty's Thailand Adventure - Day 1

I'm inspired right now by Uncle Gilly's travel blogs. And since I'm in my hotel room at 11pm Thai time and nowhere near sleep despite being up for some ungodly number of hours, here we go!

Heading into this trip I was super anxious. I haven't gone overseas for 7 years, and I've never travelled alone before. It's not so bad since I'm hanging out with Josh the whole time, but it's still a bit weird. Plus, I don't speak a word of Thai. I'm sure that will be fine, but it's a bit iffy going in.

April and her mum drove me to the airport. We left early to make sure we'd get past any traffic. Plus, last time April and I went anywhere I fucked up the timing and we missed our flight. I guess that was on her mind? Long story short we were at the airport 3 hours early.

I got through security and check in fine. My passport photo is from when I was 21, with a baby face and bad hair. Some beefy security dude pulled me aside to scan my passport manually when the facial recognition shit didn't work. Slight monkas.

I got through fine, bought some Thai Baht and got jibbed on the exchange rate, and then went to the gate. I bought earbuds because I don't own any. It occurred to me later that I'd ordered the entertainment package on the plane which comes with them. It turned out being a good thing, because 3 hours is a long time to listen to airport sounds.

I walked around the terminal to get my bearings, then went to a café thing. It wasn't a real café, but it was close enough to make me comfortable. I got a steak, then sat down and started reading. I'm reading "Growth Mindset", a text about how the way you think about success and achievement is the biggest predictor for future successes and how you deal with failure. It's really interesting, lots of real-world examples, and I'm hyped to try to teach it to my new students.

The steak arrived. I asked for a steak knife and the poor waiter gave me the most embarrassed look. He went to check, then came back and said he wasn't allowed to hand out steak knives in the airport.

Thinking back, of course he wouldn't be, but in the moment it was a weird thing. I guess it felt too much like a real café?

2 hours left. I sat at the gate and read. I had pre-downloaded a whole bunch of Podcasts and music, too, so I was listening to music while I read and swapping to podcasts when I was bored. I kept checking the time because 2 hours is a goddamn long time to wait.

Eventually though the time ticked over and the JetStar dudes were calling for business class people. Before I could react, a whole bunch of vultures had lined up. Seriously like 100 people. I joined the line. They started calling for rows 44 to 57. I checked my ticket - row 57. I walked forward hesitantly, to see if I was allowed to cut the line and board. I pussied out and realized that I'd lost my place in line. I did a slow walk of shame to the back of the line. Then the Jetstar dude started walking down the line and calling for those rows. I cut the line and got on the plane. The dude checking tickets looked dead inside.

My seat was in the middle of the last row on the plane. Two old white dudes sat either side of me. Nobody spoke, as is appropriate. The dude to my right was a bit grumpy, and took up our entire overhead bin. I sat down after putting my bag away and started my music back up. While we were waiting for takeoff, I remembered my trip to Italy from when I was 16. I wasn't sitting next to anyone I knew for both of the 26 hour flights, but the in-flight entertainment had Pokemon Pinball, and I played the shit out of it. It sorta became a tradition when I fly, and I redownloaded the rom right before the plane took off.

It was good that I did, because the in-flight entertainment was garbage. I played chess, and the piece of shit computer played the same opening against me twice. The only difference between medium and hard was that it took 2 minutes to decide each move on hard. I played two games then quit.

The flight was boring. At the end, the pilot had to do some stupid holding pattern because the flight was early:

The green circle bit was repeated 5 times. It added like an hour to the flight. It sucked being so close and having to wait so long. Speaking of waiting so long, being at the very end of the plane meant waiting 10 minutes to get off, and then waiting longer while people only grabbed their bags once they were supposed to move. Monsters.

Disembarked, went through immigration with no problems. The dude who waved me through was being so slow with his line. I held my passport open to the photo page when I gave it to him and he closed it when he took it. Awkward.

Customs didn't exist. Just walked straight out.

I met up with Josh. He was on the opposite side of the airport to where I came out. There were stacks of dodgy WiFi networks to sort through to find the one non-dodgy one. I felt like having to fight through 12 phishing networks before I left the airport was a bit much.

Josh and I got Korean chicken at the airport. It was okay, I'm not big on chicken with sauces. Or sauces in general. Or most foods in general. But, I felt like I should just dive in and broaden my comfort zone a bit. It was pretty good chicken. I'm sure it would be better at a non-airport franchise.

We caught a taxi to my hotel. Josh is staying in an AirBNB somewhere else. On the way Josh talked a bit to the taxi driver. She didn't speak any English and he barely speaks Thai, but she got us to our destination fine. It really drove (dwoop) home how foreign this place is, and how screwed I'd be if not for Josh living here. The taxi driver was not great. She was driving in two lanes for most of the trip, and I don't think I heard her indicate. The traffic lights have a dank coloured countdown for how long until the lights change. We need that in Melbourne.

We got dropped off at a skytrain station. It was attached to a huge shopping center like Melbourne Central. It was pretty sweet - I'd like to check it out when I'm less fried.

The streets looked pretty low-tier, but Josh said that it was average for Thailand, and that the closer you are to main roads or train lines, the nicer it is.

I needed toothpaste, and Josh insisted I get a local SIM card, so we went into 7-11. Josh explained that they're actually really cheap and good quality here. While we were sorting out the SIM card, the clerk needed to see my passport and take a photo for me to be able to buy it. It was weird, but everyone acted like it was normal, so whatever. The same thing happened at the hotel. Josh said they send the info to the government, but didn't say why. The clerk called me handsome in Thai as we were leaving. We got some weird salt toothpaste that Josh swore by. He said the first time was meh but the second time is amazing.

I was warned that there would be "massage parlors" on the street my hotel is on. Josh said the girls out the front would go out of their way to make me uncomfortable, and double so if we ignored them. We just stayed in the other side of the road instead.

The hotel is okay. Bed isn't great, but there's air con and a hair dryer. And a bidet, which I'm excited to try.

It feels lonely up here on my own. Like I said, I haven't travelled solo before, so it's a new experience. Bros will get a video tour of the room when I'm awake - it's 4am AUS time and I'm so fried. Gotta avoid that jet lag though, so normal sleep times.

I tried the salt toothpaste. It was okay.

[alternatebrainiverse]

Hoping this will explain a little of ram dass' philosophy around spiritualism and psychology.

It has helped me immensely, to not be so identified with my personality that was created from the outcomes of my childhood and past experience.

I have found much relief by identifying more with the witness of it all, instead of getting caught up in the psychology of it. I am that which sees the behaviour. I am not that which reacts and blindly acts out the behaviour.

(This is also what I meant by still having that rock solid self awareness while my mind and body were reacting to the drug interaction. I was not my body's reaction, I was that which saw my body's reaction from within).

Yes childhood and past experiences caused me to learn a pattern of behaviours that creates who I am psychologically today. And that is perfectly fine to acknowledge and address. But ultimately I identify with that who witnesses it all, and who breaks the chain of learned behaviour.

And for whatever reason, simple ridiculous practises of repeating strange words in obscure languages (mantra), keeps my patterns of behaviour on track with greate ease and allowance.

When I start to see my mind get caught in reactivity, I just go back to the practise. I drop everything I think i know, every judgment or idea about it, and just do it. And suddenly I'm no longer identified with the reactivity. Instead I am calmly watching from within.

Here is my dictation of the podcast:

Question:

In dealing with attachments and addictions, I find that at the time when I needed my practise the most I seem to put it behind me. I go for the attachment or addiction, and immediately after, the guilt sets in that I didn't go to my practise to get the strength or guidance that I need to bypass the addiction. And then I feel guilt or sadness that instead of going for the comfort that the practise brings me, I have to deal with the guilt that I bypassed it. How can we get around this?

Answer:

When we were born, we come into the world from being fully at home. We have a little shadow of this feeling again at the end of the day when we come home and can relax and come to home in a safe space, of feeling at peace or at one. And when we get separated from that, (which all occurs within the mind) there is an ignorance that creates the root of all suffering - the clinging of the mind to the things which seperate us from that feeling of being fully at home, at peace or at one.

Once that separation has occurred there is incredible pain, and in some profound way all of our actions henceforth are an attempt to return to coming back into the one. And we develop a whole set of techniques that make us feel good, for that moment of returning to the one. Some of those give us that moment so intensely, and the rest of our life is so devoid of that feeling, that once we find one of those things (sex, surfing, cooking, or whenever you turn into the joy of the process), when that occurs, and it works for you, it reinforces the behaviour and you start to do it more and more. The use of drugs, material possessions, relationships, all is trying to get to the place where you come back into that oneness.

When you look at addictions in that way, you see they are not evil, they are just an attempt to get back. The problem is that most behaviours will allow you to get there but only temporarily. Most addictive things are short term. The minute they end, you end up feeling like you've done something bad, which starts a reaction of the mind. You come down. You feel guilt. Why didn't you do the long term gratification practise rather than the short term gratification. You choose the little candy bar now over the big candy bar later.

When you start to stand back and see your predicament, there is a way from a spiritual perspective in which you begin with that slight bit of awareness to extricate yourself from that chain of reactivity - that whole chain of thoughts that go on.

As you start to develop the spaciousness, you start to develop at where you can intervene in the process or sequence that goes on. As the awareness gets deeper you intervene at different places.

For example, I have had strong addictions to food, so that when I am feeling unloved, i'll eat, and I'll get fat, and then I'll hate myself because of my body and so on.

The first place I began to intervene was when I was told that it's just old karma running off. (So maybe this creates a sense of surrender of control over the situations that feel helpless. Its just the stuff you've got to work through in 'this life', and each moment of you working through it is all perfect timing).

Then I began to break in at the point that after I had eaten too much to reduce my anxiety because my mother fed me food when I was upset and I learned that partern - instead of going into the sequence of 'I'm no good' etc, I break the chain at that point and just go back into my spiritual practises.

As the witness gets stronger you start to go back in the chain further and further, up until the first feeling of separateness begins with the first feeling of hunger. So then as you're about to eat, you start to notice the whole sequence and you can see the emptiness of the form you're about to take.

One develops a lot of patience and a lot of gentleness with oneself.

When I see someone with addiction I'm inclined to say to start doing spiritual practises. Do the studies that will allow you to see yourself in a new way. To understand what that hunger is you're feeding in a new way. To just get a little perspective. Don't worry about the addiction, it will fall away when it will fall away. And when you do it again, just notice it, and say how poignant I am, how poignant the human condition. Be gentle with yourself. The patterns and addictions change without dealing with them head on.

Keep cultivating the practises.

When I start driving to town to give a lecture, and I start to get uptight about what I'm going to talk about..  it's a neurotic pattern with a whole psychodynamic storyline about it. I look at it and think 'there it is'. At that moment I start a mantra and 6mins later I'm in a different space.

You could say it's denial, and I've worked with some of it psychologically, but a lot of it has just become uninteresting. I just flip gears immediately. Because the moment you get lost in identification with your personality to the exclusion of identification with your soul, you've lost it. And if you get caught in your soul in exclusion of your personality you've lost it equally as much, and that's the balance of us as human beings.

But in saying all of this, I still see great benefit in working through past experiences, learned behaviours and personality. It also helps give great perspective, validates the invalidated unsure childhood perspective, gives space to allow and have understanding for past me, and in a way creates a nice comforting blanket for current me to be heard and feel safe with another human who is not dangerous or threatening. Which is nice. Which is needed.

So I am choosing to do this work, I look forward to digging through my memories, and to find, meet, and nurture past versions of myself.

I'm just doing this without so much identification with those versions of myself anymore.

•~•~•

This is what the hanuman chalisa has been for me 🙂

And when it comes to spiritualism or religion, there is no right or wrong, there are only words and ideas that do or don't speak to you. For me a lot of this religious ideology, for someone who has always been vastly unreligious, has been about letting all of that go and just seeing what happens. Surrendering anything I think I know about who I am or how the world works. And just seeing what happens. Mostly, magic happens.. a subtle opening. And at the very least I have learned how these seemingly obscure mundane practises of repeating sounds, actibg with intention, developing the witness, or focusing attention can train the neuropathways and modify our own behaviour as desired. Throw away all ideas about it, do the practices with a little faith that it works, and see the difference.

If you don't, maybe it's just not for you right here and now, or maybe it will never be be you, and that's ok too! Take what serves you, leave what doesn't. For me, it has brought so much peace, and am amazed at how many layers of myself can be peeled back when you just allow.

#Youtube

[radioromantic-moved]

gets down on all fours and runs around in a circle

-literally two seconds in at‏‏‎ ‎trexel's‏‏‎ ‎special thanks portion and he refers to "these final hours we have together" and i'm nearly crying. alright. alright. alright.

-in today's Dumb Things I Do: i usually play the minigames on‏‏‎ ‎flight‏‏‎ ‎rising‏‏‎ ‎while i listen to podcasts because it helps me remember to take care of my dragons on there and the minigames let me turn my brain off just enough to focus on the podcast. today i forgot to mute the fr website like i normally do and for a solid minute i thought the soft calming music playing in the background was part of‏‏‎ ‎trexel's‏‏‎ ‎I'm Nice Now gimmick.

-speaking of.

-"lovely day we're having--lots of space outside, uh, hey pal, hey buuuddy, how are you??"

-oh he's TRYING!! he's REALLY TRYING.....oh my beloved you are so dumb and bad with people and yet. and yet. i am calling you my beloved so who's really the fool here

-he's practicing EMPATHY on his OWN WITHOUT PROMPTING!!! HE STOPS WHEN HE DOES SOMETHING THAT MAKES SOMEONE ELSE UNCOMFORTABLE!

-"it feels like--i wouldn't say shame, because that would mean i've done something wrong, and i've never done anything wrong!" okay we ARE still on that though.

-trexel‏‏‎ ‎putting himself in david's shoes and immediately passing out once he experiences empathy. imogen calling it david's new superpower....

-"it just occurred to me that i don't think i've ever spent this much time with anyone, but we've...we've had a lot of conversations, and i...i think we might be friends??"

-HEY MAN, SLOW DOWN, I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH HORRIBLE CRYING EMOJIS FOR ALL OF THIS!

-yeah this is literally just Episode 38, The Sequel, The Improvement.‏‏‎ ‎trexel‏‏‎ ‎decides he'll get good at empathy to make himself feel good and for no other reason (he promises! why would he lie?)

-oh hey wait a second. wait a second. wait a second. wait a second.

-it took me until they SAID the word egoism in podcast in the real but the newest man living rent free in my brain is just a fusion of the two other men (of the podcast variety) living rent free in my brain. take rudyard's goth preppy sad little victorian boy aesthetic and combine it with‏‏‎ ‎trex's Do Things For Yourself Cause You're The Best psychology and you've just got egoist.

-david discovering the survival capabilities of tardigrades and reading out their traits in an increasingly more worried voice is so good. this episode is SO GOOD.

-i knowwWWWW he's just doing the bare minimum david but i have tried so hard to suppress my feelings for him since before he was even doing that so just let me have this. i've already dropped my gushy thoughts all over the floor and i can't pick them up. they're slippery.

-wait literally everything is happening and we're halfway through the episode. a working gun that Literally Has The Capacity To Kill Them. david abandoning‏‏‎ ‎trexel‏‏‎ ‎to hide in his clone room after they previously said they'd prefer if he didn't die (that's got a couple worrying implications). imogen's critical ram shortage.‏‏‎ ‎trexel coming to terms with his own mortality.

-wait my heart is breaking now. this episode has everything. whadda fuck. what the FUCK. david telling‏‏‎ ‎trexel‏‏‎ ‎about all the times‏‏‎ ‎he's left them to die (hypothetically or literally). both of them on the same page about the bad dynamics between them. there are two episodes left and i am so frightened.

-that conversation about david rubbing off on‏‏‎ ‎trexel/trexel‏‏‎ ‎rubbing off on david did NOT make me less scared.

-OH ARE THEY GONNA REPROGRAM THE CLONES??? ARE THEY GONNA REPROGRAM THE CLONES???

-i mean i'd advise teaching the other clones rebellion faster than you taught‏‏‎ ‎trexel‏‏‎ ‎empathy, david. that took 73 episodes and you've got 2 left.

-so NOW imogen is listening in and not doing shit. did she use up all of her energy pulling out the big gun???

-you "don't know if he's better or worse," david?? he's trying! he didn't yell at you! like. he's still annoying but i'd say he's BETTER, man!

-so. :]

i need to go outside and pace in my backyard for like fifteen minutes.

#two weeks left. two weeks left. on every level except physical i'm somewhere in the astral realm. #david honey i'm worried. i'm really worried. #anyway i experienced a new emotion every minute of this episode. unbelievable. i loved it so much. #nyx's sf spam