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firstdivisiongirl · 2 months

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hiii ♪( ´▽｀) i’m hoping to get a romantic matchup for tokyo revengers, please? ♡ i would prefer a male match for this series~

my pronouns are she/her, my personality type is INFP, and my enneagram is 9w1. my sun sign is libra, moon sign is scorpio, and venus sign is virgo. i’m 5’6”, wear glasses, and have long-ish split dyed orange and purple hair and brown eyes. i love getting my hair dyed all kinds of different colors and will probably never again be seen with just my natural hair color lol. for my personality, i’m incredibly socially anxious and have OCD, i would consider myself kind of lazy and very indecisive, but also friendly, empathetic, and super affectionate/cuddly, i love hugs and holding hands especially (〃ω〃) very rarely will i make the first move to talk to someone, that usually only happens if i decide at first glance/meeting that i really REALLY like them, and sometimes even then i won’t. and even if someone new talks to me first, i generally won’t contribute much to the conversation unless we’re talking about one of my hardcore interests or i feel like we really click/they have an energy that makes me feel comfortable talking to them. i always joke that there’s a specific type of extrovert (not to say that it couldn’t be an introvert as well though!) that can get me to like and talk to them easily, otherwise i’ll just shy away from conversation. however, with the people i’m close to, i’m the loud, screaming, silly, obnoxious, emotional one lol.

i’ve always loved collecting dolls, puppets, and stuffed animals my whole life, i get attached to them as individuals and they’re so cute to look at and hold and they make me happy to have~ and they’re super fun to photograph and take with me places! i’d love to make my own plushies one day but i currently don’t know how to sew, but would like to learn. i also really like playing/watching people play video games, mostly nintendo stuff, scary games, some fighting games, and rhythm games. i would also consider drawing a hobby of mine, although i don’t do it as much as i’d like due to a lack of motivation and discouraging anticipation of things not coming out the way i’d like them to. but when i do draw it’s mostly in a cartoony style of characters that i like and sometimes myself and my friends with them, and occasionally original ones as well. i also really love cosplay and fursuiting~ (≧∀≦) my favorite food would be cinnamon chip muffins, although ironically I’m not a huge fan of sweets in general. i like them (mostly), they’re just not my favorites. i tend to prefer salty or spicy things. favorite drink would be diet pepsi.

i get hyperfixated on my interests to the point where it’s all i want to think about and talk about and do. i love love loveee buying merch of my interests!! a lot of times i’ll even find myself tempted to buy/actually buying merch of things i’m not even into if i find the characters/mascots particularly cute or pretty~

my favorite aesthetics are glitchcore, webcore, kidcore, dreamcore, weirdcore, and circuscore. i honestly love all colors and rainbows but if i had to pick a favorite it’d be light pink. according to spotify, my favorite music genres are scenecore, sped up, pop, glitchcore, and pixel. if i met someone who had the same favorite songs as me and wanted to dance to them together (or dance together to any songs, really) i’d probably just melt immediately lol, that’s sooo dreamy (*´꒳`*) my love languages for both giving and receiving are physical touch and gift giving.

okay aaaa i feel like this is already way too long and i’m not even sure if i listed the right things, but i hope it’s okay! i feel like i’m so bad at describing myself haha. thank you so much for taking the time to read all this (´°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥ω°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥｀)♡♡

Hi there! It’s not too long at all and you did a great job! This was a hard one. You are such a colorful person that it’s hard to pick. But hopefully you like who you got!

You Got…

Nahoya “Smiley” Kawata!!!

Would love your hair. He might even ask you to do his.

Would cook you excellent food. I don’t know if he is a baker, but I can imagine him learning to make cinnamon muffins just for you.

I feel like your styles vibe because a lot of his clothes are colorful.

Incredibly loyal, so much so that he’d protect you if you feel anxious or scared. He does it for all those he’s loyal to and you’d be no exception.

I could see you two spending hours just talking about your interest.

Game night dates!

#tokyo rev #tokyo revengers #first division girl #tr matchups #tr matchup #tokyo revengers matchups #tokyo revengers matchup #character matchup

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cumulohimbus · 5 years

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100 things I want to do in my lifetime

So, I had a really good conversation today with friends, and I opened up briefly about my stay in a psych ward a few years ago. It came up because I am acutely aware that I haven't been doing well, and am scared to return to a situation anything like my previous stay at said ward despite knowing that being hospitalized would probably be very beneficial at this time in my life. Talking about it did make me remember something though, something that gave me a lot of hope. While my experience with a psych ward was overwhelmingly negative, there was a part of treatment that really got through to me at the time. It especially helped with my suicidal ideation, which is something that's been really problematic for me again lately. Since I remembered it, I'm going to revisit the exercise, and I encourage anyone and everyone who also struggles with suicidal thoughts, thoughts of self harm, mental health issues, or even if you're just having a bad day, to give this a try. It's simple. Make a list of 100 things you want to do in your life. They can be as realistic or unrealistic as you want them to be. They can be big, long-term goals, or small, silly goals, and everything in between. The only rules are to write 100 things, and to avoid sarcastic or pessimistic things like saying one of your goals is to die or something like that. Save the list! Then someday you can go back and cross off things that you've accomplished or edit as you see necessary. Without further ado, here is my list:

1. I want to get my name legally changed to Larkspur Emmett so my dead name is no more

2. I want to get top surgery

3. I want to rekindle relationships within my family, especially with my cousins

4. I want to get scuba certified

5. I want to dive over the "sunken island" location on the lake my family had a cabin on that I visited frequently while growing up

6. I want to go diving in general, seeing a coral reef in person is an especially huge dream of mine

7. I want to rekindle my knowledge of the Spanish language and eventually become fluent

8. I want to continue learning American Sign Language

9. I want to learn more about my ancestry; I know I'm a vast mix of probably mostly European blood, but my family comes from so many different places and I'd like to know more about them

10. I want to finish the art commission I started for my close friend

11. I want to travel to places like Costa Rica, Japan, Chile, and Australia

12. I want to go on exotic travel adventures with a future romantic partner or close friend

13. I want to get my Bachelor's degree

14. I want to earn enough money to live comfortably, probably with pets

15. I want to adopt a pembroke welsh corgi

16. I want to beat my eating disorder(s) for good and be able to stop taking medication to help if at all possible

17. I want to go ziplining

18. I want to go skydiving

19. I want to hike through the Monteverde biological cloud forest reserve in Costa Rica

20. I want to develop a drag persona and perform as my persona on a regular basis

21. I want to make a fursuit (yes I said it, fite me)

22. I want to finish an entire animated music video

23. I want to learn more about plants and successfully keep one alive for longer than a year

24. I want to try my hand at raising an ant colony

25. I want to go swimming more often

26. I want to learn more martial arts

27. I want to learn to be a leader in my community

28. I want to work harder in my college classes

29. I want to learn to not fear loneliness and abandonment, and to appreciate my alone time

30. I want to get (many) more self-designed tattoos

31. I want to continue learning how to appreciate my body without caring about other people's opinions on what is considered "attractive"

32. I want to eat more whole foods both because they're healthy for me and taste far better than anything with chemicals in it

33. I want to meet a few famous people in person, can't think of many off the top of my head though, but I know there are a couple

34. I want to take dance classes again

35. I want to learn how to play a musical instrument (I mean, I took 7 years of piano and can kinda read music, but I wanna learn an instrument that's better suited for short fingers lolol, maybe french horn?)

36. I want to finish the paintings I've started

37. I want to learn how to digitally render things realistically

38. I want to finish the fanfiction piece I started a couple years ago

39. I want to become more patient and less envious

40. I want to heccing fly, okay?

41. I want to feel like relaxation is deserved and expected, and not a luxury only for those who can afford it

42. I want to reassemble an animal skeleton

43. I want to dig up a fossil (specifically of some sort of mesozoic creature, that'd be so cool)

44. I want to get back to using my planner

45. I want to play more (board, card, video, etc.) games with my friends

46. I want to disassociate less and be present in the real world more often

47. I want to be more informed about what is going on both in general, but especially in my more immediate environment

48. I want to take up better drawing habits (more life drawing, warm ups, breaks, etc.)

49. I want to try a real goddamn piña colada, bonus points if it's on the beach

50. I want to try existing in a portable living situation, like a renovated bus or van, for a while

51. I want to learn basic wilderness survival skills

52. I want to learn how to identify many different species of all types of organisms, especially plants and animals

53. I want to get my vehicle fixed up nice and maybe hand paint some things on it

54. I want to learn more about different cultures because they're fascinating and I want to be as respectful of all people as I possibly can be

55. I want to paint the waterfall jungle mural of my dreams in my future house

56. I want to gain better control of my emotions and my responses to them

57. I want to fabricate a working pair of wings for human beings

58. I want to learn/do more embroidery

59. I want to get a cerulean blue Corvette stingray

60. I want to get better about not procrastinating

61. I want to go to more events/be more involved wherever I am

62. I want to go for more walks to places I haven't been to before, bonus points if it's in the middle of the night and/or in the rain

63. I want to do things like play in inflatable obstacle courses and ride on roller coasters without caring about whether other people judge me for doing those things as an adult

64. I want to regain the physical strength I have lost from being sedentary while my mental health has been at its lowest

65. I want to spend more time laying in the sunshine, preferably with the bare minimum of clothes on because I enjoy the warmth on my skin

66. I want to cuddle more with others that feel comfortable enough to participate in that with me

67. I want to learn more about the fabrication of clothing and design/make some outfits for myself

68. I want to cosplay, maybe go to a convention sometime

69. I want to go skinny dipping >:3 (look, it's number 69 on the list, okay?)

70. I want to try all sorts of foods I've never had before

71. I want to see a butterfly leaving its cocoon in real life again

72. I want to read more of the books I own

73. I want to be kissed by someone again...it's been over 4 years...

74. I want to eliminate my habit of requiring a Youtube gaming playlist to be playing in order for me to fall asleep

75. I want to learn more about the history of the lgbtqia2s+ community

76. I want to learn how to cook for myself better, and like, actually use those skills on a regular basis

77. I want to learn how to take care of my vehicle better on my own, like how to change a tire and such

78. I want to learn to communicate better, and just, in general how to be the best friend I can be

79. I want to stop using all substances for the purpose of drowning out my surroundings and messing with my temporal senses, if I'm going to drink/smoke/get high/whatever, I want it to be because I want to for fun, not because I want the chemicals to take the edge off my mental illness(es)

80. I want to start taking better care of my dental hygiene

81. I want to learn more about my legal rights and finances and other "adult" stuff that doesn't really get taught to you unless you specifically go looking for it

82. You know the somewhat obnoxious game Bop It? Yeah, I want one of those again, keeps me entertained for a long time

83. I want to design more things in general, more characters and their outfits and personalities and the worlds they live in, I enjoy that

84. I want to spend more time outdoors with my friends, watch sunsets and collect miscellaneous objects from the universe and such

85. I want to teach someone something, sit down and maybe teach someone how I draw or about something that I am at least somewhat knowledgeable about

86. I want to go to more aquariums; if/when I travel more I want to go to every aquarium I come across

87. I want to start a legit collection of something and like, build it up over a long period of time so it gets pretty impressive

88. I want to get my eyes surgically corrected so I don't have to wear glasses or fiddle with contacts

89. I want to learn more about Greek and Latin roots and just words and symbolism in general

90. I want to lose the embarrassment I have about my hyperfixations because I deserve to not feel ashamed of the things that bring me satisfaction and joy, and it's okay if other people don't share my enthusiasm about such things, I just want to learn to not be embarrassed that I like stuff

91. I want to get over my fears/discomfort re: nudity, especially for life drawing classes; see, it's one thing to see someone nude and divert my eyes but for life drawing I'm kinda forced to look...

92. I want to understand myself better and learn to love me instead of the opposite; I want to be full of love for the beautiful people around me and I want to really solidify in my brain that I am one of those beautiful people

93. I want to do more things for others that are meaningful because that makes me happy, and I want to learn to do those things while also respecting everyone's, including my own, boundaries

94. I want to develop a sleep schedule that is healthy and appropriate, and that I'm able to maintain

95. I want to run in the rain more often and jump in puddles (edit: while typing this it started storming out and I had to run outside in my bunny pajama short-shorts, winter boots, and a sweatshirt, to grab my box of silly plant seed experiments before they blew away, so progress is already being made)

96. I want to get over my intense fear of making phone calls

97. I want to learn how to sing better with my new and improved deeper voice from being on Testosterone

98. I want to get my first tattoo fixed up and hopefully renew the meaning it had to me at the time that I got it -- I want to try to keep that promise

99. I want to spend more time actively working on improving my mental health

100. I want to see more, I want to learn more, I want to do more, I want to be the version of myself that is genuinely amazed and curious by all manner of things, and I know that part of me is still there

And now, once you've finished your list, you have 100 reasons to not give up, because there's no way of knowing what you're capable of doing if you don't exist to try.

#long post #for future reference #silver writes #mental health things #but positive #100 things i want to do #i'll add a keep reading thing later #can't figure out how to do that on mobile

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scramblednoodle · 4 years

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Day 2 - Anxiety

This is a vent post; you have been warned.

I’m turning off the filters because I’ve been holding a lot of this shit in. And here is a comment born of anxiety: NO ONE IS GOING TO FUCKING CARE ANYWAY.

Please don’t message me that you do care. Please don’t. I know you do. LOGICALLY. But logic and anxiety DO NOT MATCH, and if you don’t grok this, then you need to think long and hard about what that REALLY means to people with this fucking malady.

Yesterday, at the end of the day, I was hit by crushing anxiety because of an incidental interaction, that I can’t even remember the details of, just that it called into doubt NOT ONLY the individual interaction, but the cascading tree of causality of all branches of my own personal Yggdrasil.

I have anxiety, pure and simple. I worry about everything. I analyze and I double analyze and I triple analyze, and even when I set a course, I do so full of doubt. I think that people who don’t have to deal with this sort of anxiety lack even the barest hint of understanding on how deeply this affects those who do. This is not to say that they have not experienced or experience anxiety; those with the disorder just experience it at an exponentially enhanced factor.

This is Day 2 of my transition. I felt great yesterday. Almost euphoric. And by the end of the day a little...weird. I looked at the side effects of Spironolactone and Estradiol. The former wasn’t of much worry, but one side effect of the latter burned itself into my eyeballs: anxiety. And like a hypochondriac, it may have been the very suggestion of this POSSIBLE mental shift that began the spiral.

I began to question. Myself. What I’m doing. Who I am. Lingering thoughts from work intruded. Did I do the right thing? Did I make a mistake? Was my analysis of that DKIM question correct? Was my reaction to a campaign vendor out of line? Did I offend that random person in my last ticket update? I could handle it, though.

And then someone in one of the various chats I’ve been in did something that I had been thinking about, and what’s more, they did some of the things I’ve already done. And I think they did it better than I could, and they did it CASUALLY. What took me tremendous amounts of mental effort seemed to be a casual thing for them, DESITE them claiming they were new to this. What is wrong with my brain? Why do these things become a herculean struggle for me, when others breeze through them? Why can REVEILLE not be special? Why am I so mediocre? People must think I’m useless, worthless, a whiner.

What does anyone know me for, anyway? The trumpet? I suck at it. I practiced my heart out at it, and still I was mediocre. I couldn’t hack being in even a low-end, community symphony orchestra. I can’t hit the high notes in the funk band I’m in the way the subs could. The ESTABLISHED LEAD could not perform as well as the subs were sight-reading the parts. What the fuck am I doing there? I’m not a trumpet player, I’m a fucking hack. And all of these synthesizer, this music shit. I have such great ideas, and when I sit in front of these things, I stare. Or I make something, and it feels mediocre. It feels like I strayed from my original intent.

What else would anyone know me for? Posting excessive amounts of pictures of VRChat on Twitter? I can’t even get most of my fucking old friends to play the fucking game, so why would they fucking care about the “neat” things I do? Neat things that other people have already posted about. I’m retreading everyone else’s path. I don’t know why I fucking bother. Half the time in VRChat I’m horribly lonely anyway, and the great times that I KNOW happened are fully eclipsed by all the fucking times some asshole in that fucking rexie crowd stepped in front of me in a conversation as if I wasn’t fucking there. or the times in my protogen group that I said something that felt relevant, but turned out to be from an old fuckface that has nothing in common with these young, excited, optimistic kids. that That’s ALL I REMEMBER. I remember that I DIDN’T EXIST.

My art is awful. I don’t practice enough, but how can you practice when everything you touch is shit? I diddle, I dabble, and when I seek some sort of affirmation that someone appreciates my garbage, it’s always the same people. It’s like drawing a stick figure and your mom putting it on the fridge. At some point you realize she’s doing it BECAUSE YOU MADE IT, and that makes it special TO THEM. It SHOULD be special to me, that I mean that to someone, but IT DOESN’T.

I surround myself with STUFF AND THINGS because each little item has a dream associated with it, each item, EVERY ITEM, has a story not just about what I’ve already done with it, but an even bigger story of WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH IT. They will never happen. Look at this 3D Printed Toothless. “I will paint that someday” I say, but I won’t, because I would ruin it with my shoddy painting. “Look at this dull knife? I will learn how to sharpen this dull knife.” But I don’t because I’ll just scratch it and make it worse. Look at this Loopstation. I’ve made some fun loops, but I’m going to get better at it, I’m going to practice. But I won’t, because I KNOW that I can’t make it work the way it works in my head, in the story that I wrote for it. Look at this fucking trumpet I bought that costs as much as a new car, 4 top end fursuits, or a year of mortgage payments for someone in a “reasonably” priced home. The THINGS I COULD PLAY, but I FUCKING WON’T because I CAN’T. Because I’m TERRIBLE.

I love to dance. It makes me feel alive. The music just moves me. VR has been a blessing for this. I can dance whenever I want, to whatever music I want. And then someone shows up the other day and starts cutting loose. They’ve never even been to a fucking club. They watch YouTube videos. They just started doing it. Their energy is TREMENDOUS and overwhelming and I CAN’T COMPARE. I realize that I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING CLOWN when I dance. I preach to people that it doesn’t matter, that everyone looks goofy, that it’s okay, but I’m FUCKING LYING because everyone is looking at me and judging me and thinking how embarrassing it is that I’m even in the same fucking ROOM with them. WHY DO I EVEN TRY?

Do you have ANY IDEA how life is when EVERYTHING YOU DO is worthless in your eyes? It’s not that I THINK it’s worthless, it’s that I KNOW it’s worthless.

You want to argue? Fine. Logically, you are correct. There is a rebuttal for EVERY SINGLE ONE of these admissions, and a rebuttal for the hundreds of other issues.

My hair looks dumb.

I look stupid with painted fingernails.

I can’t drive very good, and people notice.

My musical taste is awful.

I’m doing a bad job raising this new kitten.

I did a horrible job raising Bean.

I did a horrible job raising Harley.

I’m terrible at physicality.

My cooking is mediocre and samey.

I’m fat and gross.

I’m ugly as shit.

I look stupid in a dress.

My makeup looks like a kindergartner with a sharpie.

I suck at all video games.

No one likes the books I read.

I like the MCU and that’s horrible.

I like Apple products and that’s horrible.

My taste in computer hardware is shit.

My taste in clothes is shit.

My taste in cars is shit.

My glasses look dumb.

I made a mistake the last time I got my eyes checked because I’m stupid.

Only morons have as many knives as I do.

My voice is awful.

My photography was a joke, and I was a fool to have ever thought anyone gave a rat’s ass about my photos.

People think I’m a useless stoner.

I drink too much and am a fucking drunk that no one wants to hang around with.

My various bands have me there because they don’t know how to tell me to hit the road.

My VRChat characters are unremarkable and beneath notice.

DO I NEED TO CONTINUE???

These are the random thoughts that went through my head in rapid fire in the past 5 minutes. It took me longer to type them, at over 100wpm, than it did for them to fill my brain with their toxicity.

Do you have any idea what that’s like? To have everything you’ve done, ever done, and will do be called into question ad infinitum? To second-guess everything you say, everything you do, even every thought that goes in your head? Now wrap your head around this part:

Every one of those thoughts goes through multiple iterations of “Is it real? No it’s not real. But what if it is? What if you’re wrong? It’s probably real. Yeah, it’s real. But is it real? What if it is? Maybe I’m wrong? Yeah, I’m wrong, it’s real. But what if you’re wrong about it being real? Maybe it’s not real? Yeah, it’s probably not real. But you could be wrong about that, too.”

Every.

Fucking.

One.

*deep breath*

I started this post with the intent to write a little bit about the anxiety I’d been feeling. Turns out, I was wrong about how much was in there. I have anxiety dreams on a regular basis, more times than I admit, and likely even more than I can remember. I was at a convention last night. As usual, I missed every event. As usual, I missed every friend. As usual, I was late to every party. As usual, there was an elevator. Usually the elevator goes tot he wrong floor, or dumps me off either at the top of a maze of hotel rooms, outside a giant building with multiple staircases, or in the service tunnels beneath the building.

This time to elevator fell.

And it fell.

I legit thought this was it. I was going to die in this dream.

The brakes snapped on, and I woke up.

I never got back to REM. Tossed and turned for a few hours. Tried my usual trick of counting backwards form 100. I would lose count at about 94. My brain just...disintegrated. Over and over, it fragmented, then reformed back at my anxieties. When I don’t sleep, I’m especially susceptible to anxiety and depression.

Case in point.

========================

I’ve been mulling over what I just wrote. I felt all of that, in the moment. It looks silly now, on paper, as it were. But that’s just another aspect of the anxiety. A coping mechanism, if you will. “You’re just being silly”. And as usual, I’m already getting brain-foggy over the things I said. I forget about it again, because that’s what the brain does: it suppresses trauma.

All I know is I was near tears when I wrote all of that stuff up there; I remember that much, very clearly.

That memory will fade too.

And anxiety says to me, to write “It will fade, just like everything about me.”

So I wrote it, and I pretend to myself that I don’t believe it. That I don’t feel that I am all of those things I wrote about above. That everything...is fine.

And, at least for a little bit, it will be. Those scores of thoughts will reduce to, oh, maybe 10. Not all will be toxic, but most will be a worry of some sort. A question. A question to myself, of myself, about myself.

Anxiety and Depression and ADHD and Mania and other “Mental Misfires” are not things that ever “go away”. I may wake up, and the dream may fade, but the harsh reality is that, no matter what meds, no matter how much therapy, if you have this stuff, the dreams will come back. The severity will come and go., but...

The dreams always come back.

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I’m out of steam. The fire is cooled. I’m done writing for now, and no one wants to hear anything else about this, anyway, least of all me.

Peace, y’all.

#anxiety #crushing anxiety

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