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bobbydillenger · 7 years

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Awakening

Anxiety and depression can be crippling and in the worst case scenarios even spiral to the depths of suicide so it comes as no surprise that those facing them see the avoidance of such as a mere matter of self preservation - as primitive as instincts to eat, sleep and keep sheltered. As someone who has personal experience with depression the best I've can arrange words to describe it are inspired by and cited below (reworded) by pulitzer prized novelist Donna Tartt. Depression doesn't even begin to describe what even Shakespeare himself could not. Anyone who has felt heartbreak knows that even excruciating physical pains are nothing compared to those of the soul. If Byron, Proust and Shakespeare fail to do it justice then why even try? Because I, like all writers have the same goal - to describe a universal human experience in my own words. I use other great writers as inspiration with hopes it might enrich even one reader's life in a way no other writer has been able to do. My two biggest influences, David Foster Wallace and Donna Tartt have touched my soul and enriched my life in ways no other writer could and consequently become my most kindred spirits THE DARKNESS It dawns unexpectedly as an unendurable sopping black curtain of horror. A psychic darkness like nothing you've ever dreamed. It is an icy plunge encompassing sorrows and revulsion far beyond the personal: a sick, drenching nausea at all humanity and human endeavors from the dawn of time. The writhing loathsomeness of the entire biological order. Old age, sickness, suffering, death. No escape for anyone. Even the young, the famous, the beautiful are like soft fruit about to spoil. And yet somehow people keep breeding and popping out new fodder for the grave, to suffer...like it was some kind of redemptive, or good, or even somehow morally admirable thing: dragging more innocent, sentient creatures into this lose - lose game. Squirming babies and plodding, complacent, hormone drugged moms. Oh, isn't he cute? Awwwww. Kids shouting and skidding in the playground with no idea what future Hells await them: boring jobs and ruinous mortgages and bad marriages and hair loss and hip replacements and lonely cups of coffee in an empty house and a colonoscopy bag at the hospital. -DT You begin to hate yourself for the same reasons you are unique and interesting and beautiful. You just wish you were like everyone else, like those that seem satisfied with the thin decorative glaze and artful stage lighting that, sometimes, make the bedrock atrocity of the human predicament look somewhat more mysterious or less abhorrent. The mornings are the worst because the new day brings only more angst and fear, you can't find the same hypnotized complacency that others do in meaningless chores and busy work. Cursing yourself, cursing God for keeping you from enjoying the things others find so fascinating. You begin to curse others too, you curse them because they are enjoying the life you can't. Their time, which is the true equalizer - the one thing you may have more of than others regardless of class, money or social standing - is now literally worth more than yours. Why? Because at least someone is enjoying their time. People gamble and golf and plant gardens and trade stocks and make love and buy new cars and practice yoga and work and pray and redecorate their homes and get worked-up over the news and jog and fuss over the children and gossip about their neighbors and pore over restaurant reviews and support political candidates and dine and travel and distract themselves with all kinds of gadgets and devices, flooding themselves with information and texts and communication and entertainment from every direction to try and make themselves forget it: where we are, what we are. But in a strong light there is no good spin you can put on it. It is rotten, top to bottom. -DT Putting your time in at the office: dutifully spawning your 2.5, smiling politely at your retirement party; then chewing on your bed sheet and choking on your canned peaches at the nursing home. It was better to have never been born, to never have wanted anything, to have never hoped for anything. All this mental thrashing and tossing gets mixed up with recurring images, PTSD, half dreams, nightmares, regret, self pity and bad decisions self perpetuating it all. You become callous, hollow to the core, fragile, desperate and scared to death of some unknown impending doom. Maybe those of us who experience depression and anxiety were born more in-tune and emotionally robust. I imagine we are much less easily distracted from the realities of the biological trap and the inevitably of humanity’s rampant, relentless human suffering. The more clearly we see it, the more cynical our worldviews become and the more we seek an escape. This feeling, perhaps just a phase, perhaps a lifelong trap, is an unfortunate disposition that is distinctly dark, dysphoric and anhedonic. For some, sadly, it grows into a complete inability to enjoy life or feel anything for that matter, which is an almost peaceful void in comparison to the next stage - a complete inability to endure life - to which the only escape is the eternal. Luckily there is a remedy, but it is a gift given without prejudice. The gift can best be described as an awakening. It is either written in our destiny or not, we do not chose our paths. I'm not sure where it comes from or who chooses the intended recipients, but it manifests as nothing but a belief. Not a truth nor explanation, just an unquestionable knowledge that love is the whole meaning, nothing more, nothing less. A telltale sign of those given the gift is an almost visible glow, a palpable charisma that makes them magnetically comfortable to be with. The good news for those who suffer from depression is that same emotional pain you have endured is exactly what will make the gift a possibility. This awakening is far from true enlightenment or Nirvana but rather a freedom from seeking. Those emerging from the darkness no longer need the mindless distractions that occupy the other people. They can finally begin to find enjoyment in the things money can't buy. They don't need new cars or Paris or a yacht or Las Vegas because they have sunsets, the ocean and a child's laughter. In conclusion, my best metaphor for it..the realization you are actually wearing the pair of glasses you were frantically looking for the past 20 minutes. Joy without pain, hope without despair etc. To anyone out there struggling with depression or feeling hopeless, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, you will find the happiness and meaning you seek, just don't give up, know you are not alone and don't forget to look right in front of your face.

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