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drlissahawthorne · 3 years

Text

marked me like a bloodstain

Who: Clarissa Hawthorne & Charlie Hawthorne-Mills ft. Andrea Hawthorne-Mills

When: Saturday, December 5, 2020

Where: Hawthorne-Mills home

What: Clarissa calls on the aid of her sibling-in-law to help her make sense of her jumbled thoughts from the night before.

Warnings: talk of past abuse

Word Count: 1650

Notes: Part 3 of 3. Part 1. Part 2.

The first thing Clarissa did when she got to Andrea and Charlie’s place was take a nap. She’d spoken briefly with them about what had happened, figuring it was best not to worry them more than she was already liable to. Then, after she’d slept for nearly five hours, she’d set herself up in the basement recording studio, deciding she wanted to work through as much of what she’d tried to create the night before as she possibly could.

After about an hour of trying and failing to make sense of even a little of it, she called on Charlie. Charlie was a music producer and the kind of person who could understand the gibberish she’d come up with in her haste to dump out every part of her brain into words. Which is how the pair of them ended up sitting at the piano, staring at a cluttered mess of mismatched phrases across the multiple notes on Clarissa’s laptop.

“So, what exactly were you doing last night that this happened?” They asked with a soft laugh.

“Uh, I think they call it coping with trauma?” Clarissa groaned. “He was my last boyfriend, the guy that made me choose between him and my work.”

“Oh, and you ran into him last night?”

“Yeah,” She sighed. “It was a nice night and then I got home and it was like everything I’d tried to ignore and bury and move on from, came out. Like, I just couldn’t focus on anything else, and even then, I wasn’t entirely focused.”

“You’ve certainly come up with a lot in a short amount of time, it seems. Can’t say all of it will be worth something right now, but we can definitely feel it out, see what we come up with, y’know? I’m honored that you’re even letting me near this. I know you’re not looking to make music, but…” Charlie drug out the word and Clarissa bumped them with her shoulder.

“Don’t even go there. This is just me working through shit. If it turns into something worthwhile, then it does, but we’re not going there.”

Charlie held up their hands. “I know, I know.”

For a while they just worked on picking apart different notes and rearranging them, creating new documents with better structure so that things really did resemble poems or songs, versus the madness that had spilled from Clarissa’s thoughts. Eventually, however, they managed to get it down to one document that they really wanted to dive into. It was still messy, but it had the first line that had really come to Clarissa in it.

“‘You drew stars around my scars, but now I’m bleeding.’ Good line, raw as hell too. So, tell me about this guy. Tell me how this came to be, what caused this?” Charlie urged with a soft smile. Clarissa’s face scrunched up, looking at the other words in the document, glasses perched on the end of her nose.

“So, we met in Pittsburgh, he’s a few years older than me, I wasn’t looking for anyone, y’know? I’d been kind of cast aside by every other lover I'd had. People not wanting to deal with the fact I was losing my eyesight. And he came along and he was sweet and caring and he made me feel wanted. Like I was someone’s favourite. Like I was his favourite. And We did all this stuff together and it was amazing. But, I was already hurt and I didn’t want to see that with every positive thing that came of our relationship, there was a knife marking me in such a worse way.” Clarissa shrugged a little. “He was horrible to me, but every time I doubted, every time I felt those insecurities pop up and I felt unwanted or unworthy, he made me feel amazing and wanted again. So I kept falling for it, for him. After every fight. Every unresolved argument. No one else really saw it, except for Jill and I refused to believe her. He was a typical abuser, if there is such a thing.”

Charlie just nodded as Clarissa spoke, copying and pasting and adding pieces to the document they were working on. They obviously had ideas and Clarissa found it absolutely enthralling to see them work. To see them in their element like this. Sure, they’d helped her work on the arrangement she used for the Riptide cover, but this was different. This was what they were really good at. Taking the bare bones of a song and fleshing it out. Making it grow and expand and become something real and tangible.

When they were done typing, they showed the screen to Clarissa. “This is what we’ve got, it’s a starting point. Let’s give it a melody and see where it takes us, yeah?”

Clarissa looked it over, whispering the lyrics to herself, trying to get a flow for them. It was definitely something that needed to be slow, easy going. Melancholy in a melody. The idea of reminiscing, even longing, for something now gone and past. The pain of loss still lingering despite the years that had passed.

Before she could even really think about what she was doing, she was finding her bearings on the piano and then started playing one of the melodies she’d thought of the night before. It wasn’t the one that had been strongest, but it was the one that felt right. Like it was meant to along with whatever this song was. Something rather simple but complex in its emotions.

“To kiss in cars and downtown bars was all we needed, you drew stars, around my scars, but now I’m bleeding cos I knew you, stepping on the last train marked like bloodstain,” Clarissa started to sing. It wasn’t a beginning. It didn’t feel like one, but it was definitely something. Something that she could work with.

“Let me see that,” she motioned for the laptop and Charlie handed it over, watching her type away. “So, when we met, it was this big event and I’d gotten sort of dressed up, nice shirt, heels, lipstick, and I don’t know if you’ve ever been to Pittsburgh, but there is an unnatural amount of cobblestone. And y’know, there’s this weird visual I have of that day, the sound of high heels on cobblestone, vintage tee, I’d literally sent someone the message ‘new phone, who’s this?’ I’m pretty sure. Like it was just this really vivid day in my memory, and not just because I’d met him, but that definitely plays a part.” Clarissa explained before hanging the laptop back, her additions at the top of the page.

“That’s really cool as a visual, actually, can you start playing again?” They asked as they looked over what she’d written. She obliged and as they moved along to the melody they started rearranging what she’d written, once again turning her stream of consciousness into something resembling song lyrics. They then started to add more. “I like this visual of clothing and memories. Is there anything about him you can tell me that could work with that?”

Clarissa thought for a while, scrunching up her face a bit, fingers still idly playing the notes of what was definitely turning into a song. “Drunk, late at night, dancing. Probably fall, so he was wearing jeans, and being silly, he’d joke about kisses being the fastest way to heal a broken heart, some days I think he was right about that.” She laughed a bit, watching as Charlie continued typing.

By the time Andrea called the pair of them up from the basement for dinner, they were bubbling with excitement. They had something that actually resembled a song on their hands. It wasn’t anywhere near finished, but it was far more than they’d had when they started and it made Clarissa feel a lot better, both about herself and everything that had happened since the day before.

“Well, you two have certainly been hard at work, haven’t you?” Andrea teased as they set the boxes of takeaway down on the kitchen table. “I figured I’d be nice and order takeaway, so we could do something together while we ate and before I lost you both to the basement again.”

“Sorry, I know I came over to hang out and have barely seen you.” Clarissa apologised and Andrea just shook their head.

“Please, I haven’t seen you this excited about something since… Lissa, it’s been years. You weren’t even this excited when you got the job in Brooklyn. I’m just happy this is turning into something good for you. There will be plenty of time to hang out and do things when this is done. I mean, you’ll be back in here in two weeks anyway, and then you’ll be here for a week and we can catch up and do stuff then.”

“But, we really should be nice and play a game with them while we eat, what do you say?” Charlie smiled and Clarissa nodded.

“I think we can do that, might be a good thing to give our brains a break, right?”

“I certainly think so, but you’re the one with the doctorate.” They all laughed as they dished food onto plates and got settled to play a game.

Two hours later, all three would find themselves in the recording studio as Clarissa performed, for the first time in full, a song Andrea had helped dub ‘cardigan’ and for good reason. It was a start to something, what that something was, Clarissa didn’t know, but what she did know, was that Jill, and anyone else privileged enough to hear it, would definitely like it. Maybe not as much as she did, but they would. It sounded a lot like healing to Clarissa, and that was something anyone who knew her would be able to get behind, or so she hoped.

#abuse tw #p: s004 #p: self #p: all #about: every tears a diamond on my cheek #about: musically charlie #about: you drew stars around my scars and now im bleeding #[and oop there be cardigan]

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urwelcomeforthis · 4 years

Text

wicked games

read on A03

Lena hates this new Earth.

She has to keep up five separate identities on this Earth and it is.... taxing. To say the very least.

To most of National City and the World at large she’s Lena Luthor, proud member of the Luthor family.

To Lex and Lillian, she’s the one who either killed them or helped imprison them, and is now, due to betrayal, seemingly on their side.

To the ‘superfriends’ (she grits her teeth just thinking of that idiotic name), she’s a lost cause, an enemy in the making, the person they spent years lying to.

To Kara.... to Supergirl, she’s a wall of fury and hurt and, if Lena’s to dismiss her latest warning and continue with Non Nocere, a soon to be real life villain whom she’ll have to fight against.

To herself? Her last, fifth and final identity? Well, she’s not sure anymore. Not since she lost everything she built, not since she decided it was easier to play along with Lex to keep herself safe, not since she lost Kara.

She sits on her couch, in her stark white apartment, and contemplates the space on the balcony Supergirl vacated only minutes before.

She knows, deep down, she knows, her efforts at mind control are misguided at the very best. Truth be told, she thinks that she’s just angling for a confrontation. To see how far she can push Kara, how far her former best friend is willing to go in the fight for her soul.

Sometimes in the darkness of the night, she wonders if she has a soul left to fight for, after everything.

She’s jarred out of her thoughts by a knock at the door and she clenches her jaw. The last thing she needs is Kara or Alex Danvers showing up, not Supergirl, to tell her she needs to right her eternal wrongs.

Still, she answers it, curiosity and the cat, and all that.

When she sees Andrea standing in the dimly lit hallway she reaches to the recesses of her mind, to wonder what the woman could be doing there.

Andrea must see the confusion on her face because the other woman falters, the bottle of scotch in her hand lowering slightly. “Am I here on the wrong night?”

It’s then, that Lena remembers. She had, under the pretenses of repairing their friendship, invited Andrea over, for a night of drinking and talking, just like they used to do.

“No, no Andrea, of course. I’m sorry. I just had a talk with Supergirl and it’s set me slightly on edge.” She half-lies, ushering her ex-ex-best friend inside and closing the door behind them both.

“Oh? Anything interesting? Off the record of course.” Andrea smirks and Lena, well she doesn’t feel her heart flutter like it used to at that look on Andrea’s face.

No, now she feels a combustion of all the betrayal and lies that tore the two of them apart. But if she’s to keep Lex from killing her, or worse, killing someone else in her name, she’s to play this game.

And if she can get something out of it, no one is the wiser.

“DEO business, I’m afraid. You know how brother dearest gets when I spill the secrets of his prized organization.” She rolls her eyes with a smile on her face for emphasis, and it works, Andrea rolling her eyes right along with her.

“Oh, trust me I know. He’s known me since we were kids and still, every interview request is turned down, every phrase is carefully turned. That brother of yours, I swear.” She laments as she walks with authority over to where Lena stores the high ball glasses in her cabinet.

Strange, Lena thinks, that Andrea knows the way around her apartment. But then again, this Andrea is living a strange lie, the life of Earth Prime Andrea. Close enough to old Andrea but, different enough that Lena has to wonder.

Andrea carefully pours them both glasses, the amber liquid inviting and warm as always, before she turns to Lena with a cocked eyebrow. Beneath that bravado, though, Lena swears she see’s a flicker of nerves.

“I’m glad, Lena. That you want to be friends again. I know we’ve been in a weird space since I came back, but if we can get even a little of what we used to be back, I’m grateful.” She hands Lena a glass, before clicking the side with her own and Lena, for her part smiles, despite her burning curiosity.

They both take careful sips, watching each other, tension filling the room.

Lena thinks she knows, where this is going, where they used to end up before the medallion, but she needs to be careful. Andrea is not dumb, and any misplaced step could blow everything to pieces.

“Yes, well, it would be nice to return to our original dynamic, as it were.” She offers, an eyebrow cocked, and Andrea, for her part, hums in agreement, her eyes darting to Lena’s lips.

“Yeah. Although, I wouldn’t mind if we kept some of the more.....recent developments in tact.” She says as she drains her glass, her gaze returning to Lena’s face, hot and burning.

Ah, Lena thinks. Yes. I know this tension well.

She remembers, being young and in love, the sweaty and exploratory nights spent, teeth biting hard on pillows to keep quiet. It seems she’s re-acquired an old habit on this Earth.

She smirks at Andrea, at herself, at the pull she feels, deep in her stomach.

Quite the development indeed.

Setting her own glass down, she slides in Andrea’s space, the other woman standing taller over her in her heels.

“No, I don’t find that I would mind too greatly either.” She breathes running a finger up the left side of the open collar of Andrea’s silk button up.

“I - I don’t want to ruin our reconciliation, Lena. If we keep doing this, it’s just what it’s always been. Stress relief.” Andrea’s voice is a whisper, a choked effort really.

Lena would laugh if she wasn’t afraid it would be her tell.

“I think we’re in agreement, darling.” She murmurs as she takes Andrea’s hand and leads her in a slow walk towards the bedroom.

She decides to adopt a sixth persona - one who takes what she wants when she wants it. And on her Earth, it has been a long, long, time since she’s felt anything but her own fingers on her body.

And considering the body she has, that’s truly a damn shame.

They stop in the bedroom, Andrea’s breathing heavy with anticipation.

Lena eyes her for a moment, before walking over to the windows and throwing them open, curtains pushed back. It’s a warm night in National City and the breeze from being up so high will help keep her room from getting so muggy.

When she turns around Andrea is fumbling around in her bedside drawer and she thinks, for a moment, that in another lifetime, one not filled with betrayal, this could have been her normal.

And this is, another lifetime, another normal, but she’s aware of the way she can take, and take, and take, and ruin, and it thrills her.

Andrea pulls out a supple red harness, and Lena’s own favorite 7 inch blue glittered dildo and raises an eyebrow. Lena nods.

Yes, that will do just fine. She thinks as she begins to slowly take her own clothes off, mirroring Andrea.

She doesn’t know what compels her to suggest it, minutes later, when they’re slick with sweat and spit kissed lips, thrumming with intent, but she hears her hoarse voice begging Andrea to fuck her against the open window, where she can feel the breeze on her face.

Andrea, always eager to please Lena, complies easily, following her, dildo jutting out from the harness on her hips as they cross to the large open windows, bending Lena over as she places her hands on the windowsill.

Lena feels the toy enter her slowly from behind, delicate hands on her hips, a thigh between her own, holding her open. It’s been long enough that the fullness almost sends her immediately over the edge but she holds back, knowing it will be more pleasurable if she does.

Andrea fucks her gently at first, but eventually gains speed, Lena’s breathy and high pitched feminine moans echoing above National City’s quiet night time streets.

Lena’s not sure what compels her to look, as Andrea finally, blessedly, begins to fuck her rough and fast the way she likes, but when she does she can see, in the distance, a dark figure hanging in the sky, far enough away that it almost looks like a mirage.

When she sees the snap of the red cape, however, she knows she isn’t imagining things.

Kara is watching.

Kara is watching Lena get fucked senseless by the blonde’s boss, strap buried deep, on display for the strongest being on the entire planet.

And Lena thinks for a moment, as she stares straight ahead at the unmoving figure, not once looking away as she begs Andrea to fuck her harder, to slap her ass, to give her everything, maybe, Lena thinks, there’s more than one way to be a villain.

A way that doesn’t hurt anyone else. A way that allows her to be good, choose the right choice for the planet at large, while hurting Supergirl, while hurting Kara, the one person she has ever loved with such intensity, at the same time.

After all, she thinks, Kara hurt her first.

When she comes, she doesn’t flinch, she doesn’t even close her eyes. When she comes she’s looking at Supergirl, unmoving in the distance.

Without turning around, without taking her eyes off Kara, hanging motionless in the distance, she commands Andrea to take her again.

Project Non Nocere is forgotten in that very moment.

After all, Lena has just found a much more interesting game to play.

#who wants some voyeurism #supercorp #but like heavy angst #kara danvers x lena luthor #lena luthor x andrea rojas #lena luthor #kara danvers #andrea rojas #supergirl

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lissahawthorne · 3 years

Text

marked me like a bloodstain

Who: Clarissa Hawthorne & Charlie Hawthorne-Mills ft. Andrea Hawthorne-Mills

When: Saturday, December 5, 2020

Where: Hawthorne-Mills home

What: Clarissa calls on the aid of her sibling-in-law to help her make sense of her jumbled thoughts from the night before.

Warnings: talk of past abuse

Word Count: 1650

Notes: Part 3 of 3. Part 1. Part 2.

“So, what exactly were you doing last night that this happened?” They asked with a soft laugh.

“Uh, I think they call it coping with trauma?” Clarissa groaned. “He was my last boyfriend, the guy that made me choose between him and my work.”

“Oh, and you ran into him last night?”

“Don’t even go there. This is just me working through shit. If it turns into something worthwhile, then it does, but we’re not going there.”

Charlie held up their hands. “I know, I know.”

“So, we met in Pittsburgh, he’s a few years older than me, I wasn’t looking for anyone, y’know? I’d been kind of cast aside by every other lover I’d had. People not wanting to deal with the fact I was losing my eyesight. And he came along and he was sweet and caring and he made me feel wanted. Like I was someone’s favourite. Like I was his favourite. And We did all this stuff together and it was amazing. But, I was already hurt and I didn’t want to see that with every positive thing that came of our relationship, there was a knife marking me in such a worse way.” Clarissa shrugged a little. “He was horrible to me, but every time I doubted, every time I felt those insecurities pop up and I felt unwanted or unworthy, he made me feel amazing and wanted again. So I kept falling for it, for him. After every fight. Every unresolved argument. No one else really saw it, except for Jill and I refused to believe her. He was a typical abuser, if there is such a thing.”

When they were done typing, they showed the screen to Clarissa. “This is what we’ve got, it’s a starting point. Let’s give it a melody and see where it takes us, yeah?”

“Sorry, I know I came over to hang out and have barely seen you.” Clarissa apologised and Andrea just shook their head.

“But, we really should be nice and play a game with them while we eat, what do you say?” Charlie smiled and Clarissa nodded.

“I think we can do that, might be a good thing to give our brains a break, right?”

“I certainly think so, but you’re the one with the doctorate.” They all laughed as they dished food onto plates and got settled to play a game.

#abuse tw #p: self #p: s004 #p: all #about: every tears a diamond on my cheek #about: you drew stars around my scars and now im bleeding

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