#its not necessary especially since all the guys who needed the new refs most got theirs but Id like for them to be on the same page | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

julday4 · 3 years

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Aight! Hey ya'll! Long time no see, whoowee-

Aight how do I start this-

So some of you might know goodnightverse by now! (If not, here) the post is a bit old so uh @awelldressedtornado fucking edit it.

And well, since I'm now co-owner of it (wowie) I DECIDED TO MAKE A GNV2 MUAAHAH-

Aka, Goodnightverse: Bed Bugs.

And yes, these are all of the refs I've been talking about. (Warning: some of the refs gotten lazier over time cause I got feddup with drawing the clothes and stuff.) and plus, most of the templates here are copied from discord ahaha aight let's go!

(Also i didn't do everyone refs yet but I did most of them! I'll do the others soon if ya'll are interested-)

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Name: Boots (Aka, Goodnightverse!Rust)

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Creators: Knife and Rose

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Age/Years lived: 13/16 y/o

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Rank: Gaurdian

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Gender: Male

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Weapon or Magic (Specify): A pirate sword that can easily cut through Shadow Demons and are really good for battle. (Especially sword fights). The pirate sword has an Iron blade thats bending a bit and golden plating on the handle.

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Human they protect: Jesse

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Allies: Shine, Flare, PI.FI, Floral and Bush

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Boots acts exactly like a pirate and loves anything pirate related. He says "YARR" unironically, when something intensive is happening or when something awesome (in his opinion) happens. He can get angry sometimes and is very attached to Jesse, Shine and his twin siblings Floral and Bush. He also LOVES fighting shadow demons with his pirate sword :).

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Name: Shine (Aka, Goodnightverse!Lukas)

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Creators: Heart and Lighter

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Age/Years lived: 13/16 y/o

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Rank: Gaurdain

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Gender: Male

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Weapon or Magic (Specify): A microphone that blasts out colorful musical notes, once you press the star button, which explode once they touch a surface. (He can also control how many musical notes that can come out, if he holds in the button, he can swing his microphone and a bunch of musical notes will come out. If he just touches the button once, only one musical note will come out. Its like those mechanics in games). The microphone is like those microphones you see on the news with a singular button. The microphone can also be used for singing and making special effects like: Gasping, laughing, screaming, oof, yay, ect.

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Human they protect: Emerald

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Allies: Boots, Flare, PI.FI, anyone

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Shine is a lil colorful boy who loves singing and making new friends. He loves learning new things and is very energetic! He talks alot like his dad, Lighter. Aka: Yo, bro, dude, BROSKI, broseph, pog, swag, ect. His aswell very attached to his bro, Boots. He loves going on pirate adventures with him, singing with him and everything else. Their the bestest of friends :). He aswell loves fighting Shadow Demons by his Bro's side. Thou sometimes his a bit soft with Shadow Demons and will comfort them if their hurt.

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Name: PI.FI/Pinkie Finger (Aka, Goodnightverse!Hypernova)

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Creators: M.W/Milky Way and Blade

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Age/Years lived: 13/16 y/o

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Rank: Gaurdian

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Gender: Female

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Weapon or Magic (Specify): A wand made out of magic that can be used to summon and levitate things and blast out sparkly magic. Thou she needs to train the wand so she can summon more and levitate heavier things over the years. (Once she becomes a guardian, her wand can levitate a closet or two and summon a brush, rope and shit. Thou she only uses it when necessary). The wand has a baby blue handle with a lil yellow glittery star on top that has a bunch of spikes around, looking like a pretty rock. (Hehhe Sprinkle).

Also uhh, her goop is made out of strawberry sauce. D. Does that count-

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Human they protect: Abigal

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Allies: Flare, Shine, Boots, anything.

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

PI.FI is a sweet, lovely, calm but also bossy lil girl. (She's mainly bossy towards Boots and Shine due to their immaturity and stupidity). Shes loves EVERYTHING girly and especially loves sparkly things, like fairies. She's very protective over her friends and especially Flare because how how shy and easily frightened she is. She's very calm towards Flare aswell and tries to make her feel comfortable. She also loves singing with her wand with Shine, their a pretty good duo! (Not as good as Shine and Boots thou). And she loves trying out new things.

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Name: Gold (Aka, Goodnightverse!Drake)

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Creators: Indigo and Monarch

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Age/Years lived: 16/19 y/o

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Rank: Gaurdian......? (Yeah no his a fucking butler now)

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Gender: Male

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Weapon or Magic (Specify): Holographic purple or golden shields that are good for blocking off attacks or Shadow Demon essence. Gold has really good reflexes so his shields are pretty powerful at battles. He can also summon holograms that he uses to code so he can break through the barrier that's stopping him to travel through the multiverse.

He also has the ability to move his rat tail.

(also the reason he doesn't have any eyelights is well uh.. It happened when he started to slowly despise Jesse and despise gaurdians, like the eyelights started to slowly dissappear and they completely disappeared once he argued with Jesse and left her the next day.)

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Human they protect: Used to protect Jesse.

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Allies: Chloe, Floral.

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Gold is a very formal but ALSO EVIL ASS boy. He used to protect Jesse when they were 8-12 y/o until he started to get tired of them. He started to get tired of their same everyday problems, angryness, annoyance, everything. He was tired of humans. One day, he met Chloe and she started telling him her plans and thoughts about gaurdians and humans and about destroying and taking over the gaurdians, Gold, agreed. Gold started to despise gaurdians, despise humans, despise protection. He believe Shadow demons were victorious and were a better future for this world then gaurdians and humans. So one day, after an argument with Jesse, he abandoned them and left them for Chloe and started being Chloe's minion/butler.

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Name: Chloe

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Creators: Neptune and a bunch of glitches

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Age/Years lived: Forever 13 y/o

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Rank: Fucking Shadow Demon Outcode thing

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Gender: None but she calls herself female.

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Weapon or Magic (Specify): Dark pink Gasterblasters and Bones. The same dark pink as her eyelights. That glitch out depending on how long their used. For example: One hour, they'll be glitched out af, and if she hits the victim with them it'll be a PAINFUL CRITICAL DAMAGE SINCE THE VICTIMS BODY WILL START GLITCHING A BIT. Thou she uses Gold, aka her butler/minion, to attack for her since she's also a bit lazy lmao.

She has the ability to enter humans' dreams like everyone else but SHE'S VERY DANGEROUS CAUSE SHE CAN MAKE THE DREAM BECOME MELTY AND GLITCHY, DAMAGING THE HUMAN BRAIN A BIT WHICH ISN'T GOOD.

She has the ability to travel through multiverses and enter shadow pipes like other shadow demons.

Her voice and body will glitch out sometimes and when she teleports inside a dream, she might glitch out a bit aswell like if a gaurdian is failing to enter a human dream.

And her Shadow Demon form is behind her, which she rarely forms into, but it's always behind her, mimicking every action she does. Thou, only Shadow Demons can see her form.

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Human they protect: None. Fuck protection.

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Allies: Gold, Flare, Grain, Alexa, Charlotte(?).

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Chloe is an outcode who's quite lazy and doesn't really care about anyone. She plans on destroying this world and let Shadow Demons rise. But for now she's starting small. She has Gold by her side to help her in battles and give her souls to eat. Other then that, she's just a glitch, a very dangerous glitch. Her main enemy is Boots. (She's also the main villian, lmao)

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

(Female)

(Male)

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Name & Last Name: Jesse Cherry Smith

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Parents: Chara Cherry Smith and Alec Margo

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Age: 15 y/o

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Sexuality: Transgender

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Gender: Male (But currently female)

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Hobby: being dead Drawing sometimes and playing the guitar a bit. They mainly just like laying on their bed and doing nothing.

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Personality: Anger issued closeted teen who dislikes being social and will beat up someone if necessary.

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Allies: Emerald, Kyle, Boots, her cat plushie Bow

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

(Yes this is a Alec x Chara shipkid stfu it's apparently canon now -)

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Name & Last Name: Kyle Cherry Smith

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Parents: Chara Cherry Smith and Alec Margo

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Age: 8 y/o

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Sexuality: Straight

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Gender: Male

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Hobby: Writing and GOING ON IMAGINARY ADVENTURES ANYWHERE and playing outside.

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Personality: A sweet energetic adventurous imaginative boy who will always find a way to annoy someone and somehow sees good in anything people say. Like seriously how the fuck do I bully you you piece of-

Also he can't read.

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

Allies: Abigal, Jesse/Jess/Best sissy in the entire world-, Flare/Flarey/Best partner in the entire world-

—x—x—x—x—x—x—

(woah another alec x chara shipkid woa-)

ANNND THAT WAS EVERYONE!! WOOOWIEEEEEEEEEE THAT TOOK FORVER.

Anywho, I hope you guys like them and if you have any questions just ask away! (So sorry that it's so long like jesus-)

Anywho, Alec signing off 😎

(also goodnightverse belongs to @awelldressedtornado)

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toenailish · 6 years

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ugh this is gonna take longer than will ever be necessary to write

Charcoal is an Ice/Sky hybrid, way back from before Darkstalker’s time, when SkyWings first got animuses (it’s implied that SkyWings were the first tribe apart from IceWings to have the magic, as IceWings obviously had it first and Jerboa and Albatross were said to be the first animuses of their tribes, and that was around Darkstalker’s time, which by then Sunset had said that they had already nearly killed off all their animuses). Charcoal was the first line in the SkyWing tribe to be an animus, along with his brother who wasn’t an animus, but carried the trait along until they were eventually killed off. Charcoal was the main reason the SkyWings started killing off animuses; they had already been extremely uneasy of animus magic because they’re not dumb like the other tribes.

Anyways Charcoal’s kind of had a superiority complex since he was a very tiny guy. Since animus magic was something completely unknown to all tribes besides the IceWings at this point, he felt very special being one himself, along with the fact that he looked different from every other dragon in Pyhrria (his brother did too but he pretended he didn’t exist for the most part). At this point the IceWings and SkyWings were starting to butt heads a bit (it’s mentioned in Darkstalker that there was a strong tension between them, this was like the start of that), and I don’t have a story yet for his mother, but I’ll make one soon probably. Anyways when her and their father had eggs the SkyWings were kind of really mad and not okay with that (his mother wasn’t an animus and didn’t mention that she was related to any cause she still didn’t like hate her tribe) but anyways when Charcoal hatched and had some real weird funky powers the SkyWings were like ‘wtf is this’ and she told them all that fun stuff and they were like ‘oh okay cool we’ll keep it’ so he was held in pretty high regards so he got like real cocky and arrogant.

Since there wasn’t really anyone to monitor or instruct him on the use of magic (his mom was like dude use that once like we do and he was all nah) he just kind of did whatever he wanted (I’m a firm believer of ‘simply using animus magic doesn’t corrupt you, the power you can have or whatever does’ so he doesn’t go crazy or anything). He wasn’t as smart as Darkstalker though so he never thought as far ahead as world-domination, he was just kind of a ‘enchant jewelry and stuff to do things’ type of guy.

Which led to the creation of Hiemal and Mantle, two separate entities that are himself. He has a collar that has a little clip, attached to it being two nose rings. When both are put on, he splits between two dragons, Hiemal the IceWing and Mantle the SkyWing (two nose rings would look dumb but he only has them on for a moment before he like splits in half), each wearing whatever nose ring had their main color as the gem. They share different minds, but basically just ‘know’ they’re both Charcoal and don’t (and can’t) like fight or argue or anything like that. While they both have the same mentality for the most part, Hiemal is the most calm and calculated of the two, and Mantle is much more boisterous and sporadic. Simply one taking off their nose ring would result in Charcoal forming again, taking the place of whoever took off their nose ring (the other would just kind of disappear). They both have the average powers for their tribe, but do not have animus magic.

Charcoal’s use for these two forms was basically a WIP immortality (his mother very fiercely warned him that enchanting a spell like that could result in him losing his mind). If either Hiemal or Mantle died, he could remove the nose ring as the other, becoming Charcoal again, and he’d be able to become two dragons again if he could find the nose ring of the other (and even if he couldn’t, he could always make a new one).

This went quite well for a long while, other dragons weren’t aware of his two forms (apart from his brother) so he relatively just had a good time being a little brat to everyone. It all just kind of went downhill when his brother like just kind of mentally snapped (while Charcoal had a not-so-good superiority complex, his brother had the opposite, being shadowed by Charcoal most of his life and feeling just generally useless by not having animus magic or any real recognition. He was a good guy but really really hated Charcoal). One day, when Mantle was being especially narcissistic and just a not nice guy to him, he attacked Mantle (I feel dumb calling him he I need a name I’ll make a ref at some point with a name but for now his brother’s just he okay). Mantle, not wanting to die took off his nose ring (it would be all good cause Hiemal still exists but its still feels like, you know, dying), but at that exact moment his brother lashed out at him, tearing open his neck, killing him. In normal cases Hiemal would fuse back with Mantle where he stood, but since he was like a dead body he instead fused to Hiemal in his location, but was still a dead body. So Hiemal became a kind-of-alive-but-also-dead dragon who was immortal from being both alive and dead, but lacked animus magic as Hiemal and Mantle had none. And so another ‘immortal dragon’ is added to the WoF fandom. Oh boy I am sorry.

The whole ‘dead and alive’ Hiemal kind of messed with the Sky Kingdom for quite some time because like, his brother still existed and that made him not so happy. He spread a multitude of rumors about the ‘disappearance of Charcoal’ saying how his powers had corrupted him and he was planning to kill them all or some edgy stuff. His mother, knowing from experience what had happened to some previous animuses of the IceWings, hesitantly agreed that it was possible that this could happen, and the SkyWings got incredibly freaked out, their suspicion of animus magic being bad being confirmed. From there on out any SkyWing born with the traits were killed mercilessly, so much of his brother’s kids, grandkids, and all that stuff were murdered which made him not a very happy guy.

After the SkyWing animus trait had been completely wiped from the tribe, Hiemal didn’t really know what to do anymore. He still had a heavy superiority complex, which was somewhat enforced by immortality, though his animus powers were gone and he couldn’t tell anyone of his immortality (he’s hardcore afraid of pain and dreads even the littlest of things happening to him (bee stings, stubbed toes, papercuts, etc.) scare him an intense amount and he felt as though if he told anyone of his not-dying ability they might try to kill him to find out and his mind was just kind of a mess). I don’t really know where he is now but he is not happy and is terribly dreading the future for whenever dragons go extinct and he’s the only one left or there’s an earthquake and he’s forever buried in rubble or the earth explodes and he’s floating through space and he just really wants to die so bad

Anyways some more general info~~

Charcoal had neither fire nor frostbreath, could not resist cold temperatures or bright lights and did not radiate cold, though he did have good vision and strong wings.

His scale pattern for the most part followed that of a SkyWing’s, with some IceWing spines here and there and some sharp claws. The undersides of his wings fade from gray to black.

Gray and orange are my two favorite colors and I’m glad I got to make a gray, orange, and a gray and orange dragon all in one package. Sorry this is like eight thousand words long

#wings of fire #wof #icewing #skywing

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junker-town · 5 years

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NFL Panic Index 2019: The Texans are still doing Deshaun Watson dirty

Derick E. Hingle-USA TODAY Sports

Can the Texans stop squandering their QB? Is Baker Mayfield headed for a sophomore slump? Will the 49ers ever have healthy RBs? Let’s talk about it.

After the first week of every new NFL season, there are 16 fanbases with 19-0 dreams and 16 fanbases obsessively hitting the panic button over and over. The same is true this year. Well, mostly. The Cardinals and Lions are basically stuck in The Medium Place after their Week 1 tie.

The good news for the 15 1-0 teams is that Super Bowl winners are 43-9-1 in the first week of the season when they won their championship. The good news for the 15 0-1 teams is that more than half of last year’s playoff teams lost their first game. The good news for the 0-0-1 teams is that you have that VHS copy of Cannonball Run II.

Let’s put the overreactions aside for a few minutes and break down what is and isn’t worth dwelling on this week.

The Texans are squandering Deshaun Watson

Right before the season started, Houston swung for the fences by trading a huge draft haul for left tackle Laremy Tunsil. It was a desperate but necessary move to help give franchise quarterback Deshaun Watson, who has dealt with a torn ACL and a partially collapsed lung in his young career, the protection he needs.

The early results are ... well, the offensive line is still terrible. In the Texans’ 30-28 loss against the Saints on Monday, Watson was sacked six times, hit another 11 times, and ended up with a bruised butt.

Despite that, Watson never quit, making two huge throws to give the Texans a (temporary) lead with 50 seconds left on the road, in a very hostile (especially to the refs) environment. It was the type a gutsy performance that we’re used to Watson conjuring up, and one we should never take for granted.

And once again, those heroics were all for naught, thanks to the coaching and the defense.

Those are the same issues that have plagued the Texans since Watson was drafted in 2017. In Watson’s rookie season, Bill O’Brien got too conservative, against the Patriots and then the Seahawks, and the defense surrendered game-winning drives after Watson had given Houston a lead. A similar situation happened in 2018 against the Eagles.

On Monday night, the Texans’ soft defensive coverage on the final drive — which O’Brien still hasn’t really explained — allowed the Saints to set up a game-winning field goal.

Watson is a special quarterback, but it feels like the Texans are doing nothing but wasting his rookie deal. We can give Tunsil a mulligan for his up-and-down game against the Saints, considering he just joined the team a week ago. The poor performance from the rest of the offensive line was a bit concerning, though, as is the Texans’ baffling late-game decisions.

Panic index: With the way the Texans got rid of their future draft picks, they have to go all-in on this year to maximize their current talent. Unless they can clean some things up and stop making the same mistakes over and over, a deep playoff run might not be in the cards, even though they have the quarterback to get it done.

Poor, poor Deshaun.

Baker Mayfield could be in danger of a sophomore slump

Baker Mayfield is not shy, as we know. This offseason he took shots at teammates (yikes), another team’s rookie quarterback (eesh), a college quarterback who went to his rival school (oookaaaay), and Colin Cowherd (yeah, that’s understandable). On Sunday, Mayfield could finally let his play do the talking for him again.

It did not go well, at least not in Week 1. The Browns, a team people now believe in, added to their season-opening misery with a blowout loss to the Titans in front of a White Clawed up Cleveland crowd that probably knew better than to get its hopes up.

Mayfield looked hesitant behind a shaky offensive line that lost its left tackle to a face kick (he was kicker, not the kickee) and that let him get sacked a Deshaun Watson-esque five times — one of which came in the end zone for a safety. The second-year quarterback threw just one touchdown and was picked off three times, all in the fourth quarter. One of those was returned for a touchdown, too. In a 43-13 loss, Mayfield accounted for almost as many points for Tennessee as the Browns scored all game.

It was a surprisingly lifeless performance for a quarterback who set an NFL rookie record for touchdown passes last year and who thrived in now-head coach Freddie Kitchens’ offense.

So now we’re left wondering if Mayfield, like the Browns, can’t handle the pressure of high expectations.

Panic index: It’s hard to tell Browns fans not to despair when that’s been their default mode for most of the franchise’s existence. But it’s much too soon to think the worst about the team or Mayfield. While a three-interception game is very Jameis of him, Mayfield threw all of those late in the game when he was trying to make something happen, even though the Browns probably weren’t going to win anyway:

Mentioned before how INTs are often viewed too negatively when a team is trailing and Baker's three from yesterday fit that description Titans win probabilities before they occurred: 84.5% 98.3% 99.9% pic.twitter.com/XShLTeY62h

— Kevin Cole (@KevinColePFF) September 9, 2019

Plus, if there’s one thing we know about Baker — besides how much he likes to run his mouth — it’s that he’s got a big ol’ chip on his shoulder. We honestly wouldn’t be surprised if threw the Week 1 game just to bring out the doubters again.

JuJu Smith-Schuster as the Steelers’ No. 1 receiver is off to a rough start

Pittsburgh had to eat a huge amount of dead money when it traded Antonio Brown, but it got a couple draft picks in return and felt pretty good about JuJu Smith-Schuster filling Brown’s shoes.

After all, Smith-Schuster was a Pro Bowler in 2018, finishing the season with 111 receptions for 1,426 yards and seven touchdowns. It’s possible some of that production was thanks to Brown, though.

As the Steelers’ new No. 1 wideout, Smith-Schuster was lined up against New England’s top cornerback, Stephon Gilmore, for most of their Week 1. While he caught six passes for 78 yards, Smith-Schuster was mostly ineffective, and the Steelers’ offense couldn’t get any momentum in an embarrassing 33-3 loss to the Patriots.

If Smith-Schuster can’t find success against secondaries focused on stopping him first and foremost, the Steelers’ passing game may be stuck in the mud all season.

Panic index: Gilmore was a first-team All-Pro last season and Smith-Schuster is far from the first receiver to be shut down by the Patriots. Hell, Brown’s career average against New England is essentially the same exact output his replacement had Sunday night.

Antonio Brown per game average vs. New England 9.3 targets 6 catches 75 yards JuJu tonight 8 targets 6 catches 78 yards

— Heath Cummings (@heathcummingssr) September 9, 2019

Smith-Schuster is still just 22 and may need to get his footing as the top dog in Pittsburgh. It’s way too early to think he’s nothing more than a No. 2 receiver.

49ers running backs are dropping like flies

When Kyle Shanahan took over the 49ers, he brought with him a different offense that required some fairly specific personnel to make it function. Acquiring “Shanahan guys” became a priority, and that included serious changes to the running back position. Jerick McKinnon was supposed to be the lead back who could make Shanahan’s offense work, but a torn ACL wiped out his 2018 season.

Then he suffered a complication that caused him to start this season on injured reserve. Matt Breida has dealt with multiple injuries as well. No matter, because Shanahan also added Tevin Coleman this past offseason. Coleman spent time with Shanahan on the Atlanta Falcons, and 49ers fans were happy to have him, even as a lead back.

Week 1 brought some twists, however. Coleman is now injured — a high ankle sprain that will keep him out several games — and Breida is essentially always a little banged up at this point. That leaves Breida and Raheem Mostert as the top running backs for the 49ers.

Panic index: Here’s the thing: It wouldn’t be surprising if Breida came out and played well. He has all the makings of a lead running back, and has the confidence to do it. But the top two guys the 49ers were planning around are now injured, and that’s going to disrupt Shanahan’s offense. Jimmy Garoppolo is already hurting for offensive playmakers outside of George Kittle, so if this running back situation gets ANY worse, the 49ers could be in for some tough times.

The Bears currently have the rookie version of Mitchell Trubisky

Trubisky was the first quarterback off the board in the 2017 draft. He hasn’t played like it.

Sure, his 2018 emergence saw him guide the Bears to a NFC North title in a Pro Bowl season, but he still had plenty of questions to answer in 2019. Was he more than a caretaker QB? Could he live up to the lofty standard set by fellow first-round picks Patrick Mahomes and Deshaun Watson? Would his six-touchdown performance against the Buccaneers be one of 2018’s biggest outlier performances?

Based on Week 1’s performance against the Packers, the answers are no, no, and yes.

Trubisky looked entirely overwhelmed against Green Bay’s new-look defense, needing 45 passes to throw for just 228 yards. He was flustered by the Packers’ pass rush all night, getting hit 11 times on top of five sacks. And when his team needed him to level up and lead the Bears back from a seven-point deficit late in the fourth quarter, the third-year pro responded by throwing an awful interception in the end zone, then got bullied into a rare four-and-out that ended with a sack at his own 5-yard line.

As a result, a game in which Chicago held Aaron Rodgers to just 10 points resulted in an 0-1 start. Trubisky wasn’t amazing last year, but he did enough of the little things right to make the Bears a contender. He abandoned that progress in the first game of 2019, and a major step back could turn last year’s division champs into the 2018 Buffalo Bills.

Panic index: Matt Nagy isn’t worried. He’s too busy reliving last year’s double-doink and eschewing 51-yard field goals in order to go for it on fourth-and-10 to focus much on Trubisky right now.

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daughterofdescartes · 6 years

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Why my first ‘situationship’ was doomed from the beginning: a personal Romeo & Juliet story

LONG BUT NECESSARY INTRODUCTION

Ah, failed ‘relationships’. It happens to the best of us. It always ends with hurt feelings, you know, because life is programmed to make us all suffer, since nobody knows why we’re here on this planet anyway! I’m turning 20 in December, and am getting over my very first “special someone” *sighs and looks into the distance*... I’m just kidding he wasn’t that special, just happened to be the first dude I had a “thing” with, that’s all. Even though he’s not that special, the experience I went through involving this guy is what changed my life. Yup, I just said that. Sounds hella dramatic, but i’m literally a changed woman. It was a spiritual journey from beginning to end. 90% of the people who know me don’t even know this happened to me. So, if you’re reading this, consider yourself very lucky! Or not, this is going to be really long and I don’t know how interesting I can make this, but stay with me, you guys...

If you want to know what happened, I can tell you this story very shortly without any of the details, and it will just seem like a very dumb story between two youngsters who both didn’t know what they were doing, like my own modern twist on Romeo and Juliet lol.

TLDR: I met an emotionally unavailable American guy on a dating app, we talked for a week and then we told each other that we liked one another. After another week, I got very overwhelmed and said that we need to take a break. A month had passed and we started talking again. I got immensely insecure because at this period i was the only one texting first. Confronted him with my insecurities many many times. We still talked for a time span of around 3 months. Right now we haven’t spoken in over 3 weeks and I have honestly accepted that this whole situation was doomed to fail from the beginning and am reborn as a new person.

Honestly? I don’t think I’m very heartbroken at all. But this whole experience did tamper with me psychologically, so it’s not like I have no healing to do or anything. I went through a lot of emotional suffering, never truly understanding where it was coming from, but during my evening walk with my dog, a light bulb lit up above my head... (a sockhop beneath my bed, press like if u get the ref xd)

Just so you guys know, this McGuy still haunts my mind everyday. Not all the time, but the thought of him or what has happened, will cross me at least once a day. With this experience being very ‘spiritual’ and all, I have been thinking, a lot. I know, very deep of me. I’ve been thinking a lot about who I am as a person and why I am the way I am and suddenly... it all clicked.

I was always thinking about him and his actions, but when I started seeing the bigger picture, aka including myself in the story, it suddenly made a whole lot more sense. It was never really about him, it was about Me. So here’s kind of a prologue talking about my history after this long ass introduction.

PROLOGUE

In my 19 years of existence I had never before messed with anyone romantically. I always just crushed on people, not knowing if any feelings were reciprocated, not knowing if there were any secret admirers (doubt it). I’m not ignorant of the reasons why i’ve been celibate my whole life. I know that i’m kind of shy, pretty insecure, look unapproachable as fuck, not a 10 out of 10 according to society’s standards, etc.

I used to have a harder time coping with the fact that I had never once experienced mutual ‘romantic love’, but when years and years pass by, you just realize that being a celibate teenager is okay. Although I was okay with it, I still had my moments of frustrations. “What’s wrong with me? Why hasn’t anything happened yet?” But always got myself back on my feet again, telling myself I’m fine and just need to be patient. You’re young, you’ve got lots of time! What’s the rush? Even if majority of your friends already had their first kiss in 9th grade; it’s no big deal, right? You just gotta keep yourself busy with other teenager things like, procrastinating school work, being angsty and rebelling against your parents, spending time on the interwebs and whatever else the teenz do.

So, I kept myself busy throughout middle school and high school, had at least one crush every year, because ya girl gets bored sometimes. Most of them weren’t that meaningful, since I kind of suck at talking to guys in general, because I think they’re aliens. So, I never really got to know most of my crushes as people. It was still a fun time regardless, because who cares about rejection, if you just keep it a secret forever? Except for this one dude I obsessively crushed on for 6 years (while simultaneously crushing on other people, wow multitasking Queen), and Young 14 Year Ol’ Me thought it was a very good idea to tell All my Friends in 8th-9th grade, because 14-15 year olds are so trustworthy and won’t tell anyone, right? I’m pretty sure that guy knows how much I liked him and is kind of creeped out, but 14 year old me was just very excited and infatuated.

Anyways, I graduated high school with ok results and 0 romantic experience! Now this is where life Really Begins!!!!! Time for UNIVERSITY!!! *crowd cheering*

I’ve always been a creative, artistic soul, though I think that quality is diminishing more and more every year, or maybe I’m just imagining it. Nonetheless, I didn’t Really know what I wanted to study, but have always considered architecture an option because of its creative side.

Boy.

Most tiring semester of my life. You only understand once you experience the archilife. I once pooped and when I was done, I stood up and looked back, I literally was astonished at the sight of my own feces, because I had literally forgotten that I had pooped, that was how tired I was. If you are grossed out right now, grow up. We all poop.

This major is extremely grueling and taxing on both your physical and mental health. If you’re a procrastinator, oh boy, now that’s adding fuel to the fire. I kept procrastinating finishing/starting my preparation for the final big presentation and ultimately had a big mental breakdown, and decided that I wanted to quit architecture. It was never my passion anyway, and this is one of the majors you must be passionate about, or else you won’t make it out alive unless you’re a masochist.

What comes next after architecture? Sinology aka Chinese studies. I only grew up speaking Shanghainese, so mastering the Mandarin language is something that I have literally always wanted. I was always insecure about my Mandarin skills, so let’s just do that lol.

No matter how awful architecture school might’ve been, I still met some cool people that I really clicked with. (I’m talking like people you can count on one hand, I’m not that social, okay) Which I was really happy about, because I was scared I wasn’t going to have any friends, because I kind of suck at making them.

Changing majors was a big shift, suddenly I was all by myself again and had to go through the whole making friends progress again, schucks.

The architecture campus is in Brussels, while the campus for linguistics is in Leuven. Brussels is a lot more diverse, I would say, so there are less white Belgians.

Let me tell you something about white Belgians, they are horrible at socializing. Especially the province I live in. They’re horrible. I’m also horrible. Conclusion? Making friends in a predominantly Belgian white class, was freaking hard! BECAUSE NO ONE EVEN CARES ABOUT GETTING TO KNOW YOU!!! THEY JUST LOOKING AT THEIR PHONE BITCH!!!! OR TALKING TO THEIR OWN CLIQUE BEING BORING STAYING IN THEIR COMFORT ZONE!!!! Why do new kids in American movies get so much attention, but the two times I’ve been the new kid literally no one cares. That’s the sad reality of life. I mean Hello? If y’all are not gonna make effort to become friends with me? Are you trying to say? That I have to do the work? Bitch?

So a month had passed, and I still had no friends, it was pretty darn lonely, but I was getting there slowly. But here’s a funny thing! On one of these lonely nights, I was watching a youtube video and it was sponsored by GUESS WHAT? a dating app! WOW... Now here’s where The Story beginz..

CHAPTER 1: INCOMING

So ya bitch was entertaining herself on YewChewb, I was watching some video from some Chinese American guy, and in this glorious video, he is advertising this dating app called EastMeetEast... Yeah, it’s a dating app where Asian people meet each other. Me, a bored lonely dumbass bitch, was like okay, let’s see what this is about. This should be Funny!!! So I made a profile, with some catfishy pictures of myself, you know, take her swimming on the first date and all that shit. So, I match with a few guys okay fun, (you could only match with, only girls or only guys) And this dodgy app requires men to pay for the app so that they can message with girls, because if you use it for free, they can’t see girls’ messages or something weird? Mind you, girls can see and send messages for free. We love this reverse sexism!

Also, this app isn’t very popular in Belgium, mainly American people use it, so ya. I mainly matched with Asian Americans.

Turning-point, The Life-Changing Encounter of Death: I match with a 19 year old with the initial A. We’ll call him A for the rest of the story, like some fun little mystery like in Pretty Little Liars. (I’ve never watched it) He only had one picture, but he’s cute. Half Italian, half Chinese. Ok, fun. So shortly after matching he sends me this message on the app: “if you want to talk my username is @_________”. He didn’t really put anything in his bio if i remembered but one thing that was stated on his profile is the HIGH SCHOOL he was in. First red flag. HIGH SCHOOL. First of all, what the fuck. Second of all, why the fuck? But ok lonely ol’ me was feeling Adventurous and this matching with people thing was fun. Male validation did not exist to me before this historical day and chatting with a good looking guy was unheard of.

It didn’t really say what social platform the username was for, the platform always get censored because the app just wants you to pay for the app to talk with people, crayzy. But i just assumed i’d find him on instagram, because that’s where everyone’s texting nowadays. I found him and followed him. He followed me back and messaged me, bingo.

We talk for a short while. I said some cringy ass shit I would literally never say to anyone in real life, because a shishter was feeling very Bold that day. I have never said cringier shit than when i was talking to this guy. It wasn’t anything creepy I just complimented his looks and all he said was “thanks, i’ve seen your pics too. very pretty.” Uh? Who talks like this? What kind of dry ass chicken breast are we eating here? He tells me he’s a high school senior and is born in ‘99. Stayed back a year since he migrated from Cuba to Miami. OK, interesting.

So after shortly introducing ourselves to each other, he suddenly asks if he can have my number? and I was like ??????????????????????????? Why?????????? Forgetting that people actually talk on iMessage, I barely ever do that. But that’s what A meant. I was sceptical but intrigued.

We talk some more. Doesn’t seem like a bad guy, and he texts back quickly. This is entertaining. When once again, A asks me a sudden question. “Can I call you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to.” My head is full of question marks and I start getting sweaty at the thought of having to call a person I barely know. Like I guess this is American culture? Or I just don’t understand calling culture because I have no friends who enjoy calling? But I was like? Calling? That hateful thing my parents force me to do when mailing is not quick enough? Why would you want to do that?

So I’m like, “UH. I DONT KNOW MAN. I’VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE SO I’M KIND OF NERVOUS LOL. I DON’T THINK I’M READY FOR THIS” (not actually in caps, but this symbolizes my very nervous energy)

And he replies, “It’s okay. I don’t want to push you into doing anything you’re not comfortable with.”

We were literally talking as if he was asking me to have sex with him, when it was just about a dumbass call. It’s so funny.

Whatever, we continue talking. It’s time for me to sleep. He says “Buenanotte Bella” ..... ?????? OK.

Next day comes, we talk again. He once again asks out of the blue if he can call me??? So I say

“Are you really that curious?”

“Well, aren’t you?”

I was curious, so I caved in and let him call me. It was so nervewracking. The only men I interact with on a regular basis in my life are my dad, brother and my dog.

Boy, the moment I heard that voice say “hey”. That’s the moment I got hypnotized and became a clown for nearly 5 months. I didn’t know you could be this attracted to a voice, but okay. Unfortunately, my voice cannot compare and he did not get hypnotized in return. Wack.

The call wasn’t too bad. It’s cute looking back at it. I couldn’t believe a guy actually wanted to talk to me. That person texting me, was a real human being with a real voice. I was fucking wonderstruck over the fact that a good looking guy was talking to me so I was on cloud 9, Okay? lmao

So the time difference between A and I is 6 hours right. Most of the time we’d start talking when it was evening in Belgium, so for A it was always in the afternoon. Only he could say good night to me, and I never could to him. This created a pretty big inbalance in the attachment levels imo.

In this chapter (the first 2 weeks) he would always ask me what I was doing. Like that’s not your business sis. I don’t wanna tell you that i’m a loser that’s not doing shit even though she has shit to do??? But apparently he always wanted to see if I was busy or not so he knew he wasn’t disturbing me and so that he could, you guessed it, call me.

Everyday, we would text each other, and that was fine, until the dreaded question came. “Can I call you?” BITCH WHY DO YOU WANNA CALL SO BADGSJOGJOISGJI I SWEAR. I didn’t absolutely hate it, but there were just factors that made me not like calling very much. (nearing the end i definitely came to hate it)

1. I don’t want my parents hear me call with a guy (I literally could’ve worn my earbuds I don’t know why I never thought of it... we stan a dumbass bitch)

2. Sometimes there was literally nothing to talk about because we’re foremost still strangers and it was awkward

3. The fact that I wanted to hide this from my parents, made me highly aware of how loud I was speaking and I couldn’t fully express myself, scared that my parents would barge in on me calling.

4. 90% of his jokes flew over my head, they weren’t that funny. I’m sorry, A. I’m funnier. And that’s just tea.

5. EVEN DURING THE CALL when there was nothing to talk about he’d be like “so what’s up wyd” bitch? calling you? I couldn’t concentrate on anything else everytime because I was a nervous wreck.

6. Even if I wanted to do school work, I would push that aside to call him because, I wanted to hear his voice. Ke$ha - Your Love is My Drug

7. BECAUSE I WANTED TO HEAR HIS VOICE we would even call until 4AM TALKING ABOUT LITERALLY NOTHING IT WAS SO AWKWARD WHY KILL MY CLOWN ASS. I RUINED MY SLEEPING SCHEDULE FOR THAT DONKEY

Our text conversations were honestly, more fun, because when we were calling, a bitch couldn’t think straight. Our calls were most of the time not that fun I don’t understand why he wanted to call everyday.

Mind you, the shyer i get, the more monotone I get. So I would react very coldly and in a stiff manner during the calls just saying: “Yeah.”, “Sure.”, “Wow.”, “Ok.” BECAUSE I didn’t have time to think and didn’t know what to say 99% of the time. So a week after getting to know A, during the 64th silence in one of our calls, he says this:

“This is gonna sound really insecure but, do you even like talking to me?”

“Yea.”

So romantic...... I’m swooning...... Pick me up......

Call ends. It’s almost time for me to sleep, but I’m still thinking about what he said right there, so I text:

“Would a person really stay up until 4AM calling someone although they don’t like talking to them? Silly” JGOIJGOIDSGJOSIGJOS JUST SHOOT ME RIGHT NOW I CAN’T BELIEVE I SAID THAT

And then he said something along the lines of “I don’t know if you’re talking to me because you’re just bored, or there’s something more.Like tell me what you want from me, woman” like??? woman?????? SECOND RED FLAG DONT CALL ME WOMAN SHUT THE FUCK UP I HATED THAT SO MUCH

So i was like “idk what do YOU want from me??” And he was like “well” and i was like “i’ll say it too u go first” (lmfao) and then he said

“Honestly I’d like to be romantic with you but, you know, there’s an atlantic ocean between us” and at that moment my heart dropped when I read this text because this might as well have been the smartest point A has ever made in the 4 months of talking to him. He’s right. This humongous distance has slaughtered any budding of any kind of relationship from the very beginning.

Dude never liked me enough to actually want to initiate a meeting, I don’t blame him. The boy was bored and created an account on a dating app because his friends told him about it. I bet he wasn’t really planning to find an Asian European lover in his last year of high school.

But who was naive/delusional enough to convince herself that MAYBE these two people who aren’t even that compatible in the first place, could maybe MEET someday and FALL IN LOVE??? ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With the word ‘romantic’ he probably means fuck, i mean do high school boys actually know what romance is uh. The biggest thing that could have developed in under a week is a small little crush. Anyways, i did not realize this properly and took his statement very seriously and thought “Wow a boy just said he likes me WoW, we will make this Love happen No Matter What” I was thrilled.

Next morning I wake up, I’m a ball of sunshine. A guy 7876768 kilometers far away from me says he likes me. That is so meaningful. Wow....

While I was talking to A, I still matched with other dudes on that stupid app out of boredom, but never talked to them because in my maiden’s ♥heart♥ A was still nr. 1, because he just said he likes me WoW. So while messing around on that app, i keep noticing there’s a green dot next to A’s name, meaning he’s active on the app. And i’m like hmm..... ......................

Me, a nosey bitch, said somethign dumb like “oh you’re active on weird hours” and he just said

“yeah, left it open and let my friends mess around with it”

.................................hmmmmmmmm investigation time even though it’s literally not my place and I am not entitled to any form of commitment at all

Let’s talk about the biggest red flag of all red flags that I decided to ignore,

A’s instagram account. Let’s talk about it.

His username does not include his name, there are NO pictures of him in his feed, only posts dank memes and likes his own posts and if you look at the people he’s following, you see something very interesting!

Half of it are instagram accounts of Asian girls... And most of them weren’t even like popular accounts like they were just really freaking random accounts most of the time, and other ones were girls he met on EastMeetEast.

Yup........ I looked at his moderate collection of Asian girls and thought. Wow this makes me uncomfortable, but he said he likes me, and I don’t think anyone else will ever like me so I should stick to him..... I guess!!!

The only redeeming factor of his instagram is that his profile picture is a kitten, I think her name was Eko or something. Don’t let him hurt you, kitty cat.

So discovering this information, I felt hurt. He said he wants to get ‘romantic’ with me??? Why is he still collecting other Asian girls when clearly, we will fall in love someday?

To confirm my already confirmed suspicions that he isn’t in love with me, I send my Indonesian best friend on a mission and let her create an account on EastMeetEast. I told her to try match with him. THEY MOTHAFUCKIN MATCHED I LITERALLY DONT KNOW WHY I WANTED THIS TO HAPPEN THAT HURT LIKE A MOTHAFUCKAR AT THE TIME. MIND YOU, I TOLD HIM MY BEST FRIEND IS INDONESIAN, AND HE SEES THAT AN INDONESIAN BELGIAN WANTS TO MATCH WITH HIM, WHEN 10 PEOPLE IN BELGIUM USE THIS APP. JGSIDOGJOSGJOISGJ MEN ARE SO STUPID

Notice the sudden spike of emotional instability and irrationality after he told me he liked me? It’s extremely important actually. At the time, I did not understand what I was going through emotionally. And I think if you’re just casually reading this, you might be wondering what was wrong with me too. Thank you for worrying about my wellbeing, you are a better person than A.

So increasingly, I get more and more nervous concerning literally everything that is not pointing towards the direction that he is in fact in love with me, after one week. That’s 7 days, if you will.

I myself was also questioning my sanity throughout this whole process, because I never thought I would go that far. I talked about other guys to see if he would get jealous. (I don’t really think he cared lmao), constantly checked his activity on instagram (he just likes dank memes about fucking girls or something, what a chad)

Week 2 chimes in, I can tell he still ‘likes’ me, talks about stuff that happens in his American high school life, boasts about literally anything possible to make himself look good, jokes around, some intellectual conversations here and there between a weirdo horny for Asian girls and the most hopeless romantic to have existed.

I was watching a very stupid Belgian reality show, reminiscent of ‘Jersey Shore’ or ‘Ex on the Beach’ that kind of stuff. And I touched on the topic that, men cheating on women is highly popularized in media, and i said that women probs cheat just as much but are better at hiding it,

and he said, “Ha, I would know about that”

And I was like aw, I’m sorry. He talked about the fact that he had many failed relationships, most of the girls breaking up with him, if I remember correctly and eventually I got curious over the amount of partners he’s had in his 18 years of being alive, so I asked about it.

And he says “I don’t know, I don’t keep track of that stuff”

??????????????????????????????????? ???????????,

My heart started racing at this point. I was like “What do you mean?”

A says, “I just don’t count that stuff” And in my mind, my inexperienced maiden’s mind could not comprehend that you could be with so many people at such a young age that you lose track of the number? Actually, you know what, anyone with a healthy mind will find this hard to comprehend, i’m not the crazy one here in this case. Like I look at his instagram, and look at what he says and it doesn’t add up LMAO. Also he kind of fucking sucks at communicating how did he manage to cop that much pussy?

I kept asking for a number and he just keeps saying “I don’t know. It shouldn’t really matter right? I don’t keep track of that stuff.” But I was just so fucking pressed like? WHAT????? HOW CAN YOU LET SO MANY RELATIONSHIPS FAIL THAT YOU CAN’T COUNT THEM. YOURE 18, IS THIS AMERICA????? IS THIS WHAT CHILDISH WAS RAPPING ABOUT??????

I was pissed because he just kept refusing to even give a rough estimate, I’m a capricorn we love em statistics (idk what i’m saying)

So I was angry and gave him short answers. Guess what he sends,

“Call?”

I say, “No”

Iconic.

But a few minutes later I give in??? I DON’T KNOW WHY???? LMAOO and we call but it was This Very Last Call that Killed Me

The Call of Death

Call starts. I’m still pissed about the whole thing and he goes,

“So... what’s the beef with my romantic past?”

And I say I just really wanted a number because I wanted to at least have an estimate to have something to grasp onto???? fuck so he’s still very irky about it, doesn’t wanna talk about it, MAYBE BECAUSE HE LIED???? BITCH?????

He says “idk maybe over 20″ ...........????? that’s a larger number than his own age and if you do the math he would have had his first serious girlfriend at 12 years old he would have to have had at least 3 to 4 girlfriends every year....??? is this Floridian culture? Is that normal? Is he talking about anime girlfriends in dating sim games????

So this whole topic just upset me like no other, it confused me, I mean what the fuck is he talking about JGOIIJGOISDJGOSDJGOISJG

It got pretty quiet. When A suddenly says

“You know, if you don’t want to talk to me, we don’t have to”

“Hm. Maybe I don’t”

“Ok.”

The whole call goes dead fucking silent for like more than 10 minutes or something. I was just lying in my bed, scrolling on my phone, trying not to breathe, so the mic can’t catch any sound and I am internally dying.

The silence felt like it lasted forever. I didn’t have the guts to end the call. But i said something dumb to break the silence because I couldn’t take it anymore. Idk what I said.

Not too long after breaking the silence, it was so fucking awkward i don’t even know what we were talking about. Clearly, I’m traumatized and my brain is protecting me from whatever happened that night, which I’m thankful for.

So, not too long after breaking the silence, A says very abruptly, something along the lines of, “I’m home now, bye.” and ends the call. ?????????????

To add to the context, he would mostly go on walks during our calls, what a fit Chad. He really spent some evening walks, just calling me, climbing trees, stealing furniture, talking about literally nothing, that’s so iconic.........

Anyways that felt absolutely terrible, and I knew I never wanted to do that again, fuck.

I woke up the next morning feeling just as horrible, not exactly sure why but the previous night had upset me severely. Throughout this whole day I was questioning my sanity, the ‘relationship’ jodsigjosgj, and also wondering, who the fuck is this dude i’m talking to?

Realizing how much each and every word and action affected me mentally, I felt that I was losing control.

My inner thoughts: This guy is a freaking weirdo. He said he likes me, but then does all these things I do not approve of. I started liking him without really getting to know him and now I face the consequences! We should stop talking for the sake of my own sanity!!!

I’ve been talking about A to two of my close friends, they both roasted him and said I need to leave him, since he’s making me feel miserable with these extreme highs and lows.

That day, I decided A and I should stop talking. This way, I won’t feel the way I feel anymore. Actually felt pretty conflicted, because at this point, I had already grown attached to A. He helped me fill my loneliness when I didn’t have any friends yet in my new major and despite all the red flags, I still wanted to see the good in him. I mean, he said he likes me??? Can’t let that pass!!!!!

I confronted A and asked if he was angry during our last call with the long silence and all.

He says, “No, I was just joking around”

????????????????? Idk how dense I really am? But that atmosphere felt heavy and both of us weren’t laughing so I don’t know where the hell he’s coming from LMFAO. But anyways, I tell him what happened last night really upset me for some reason and that maybe we should stop talking, because talking to him everyday had taken an emotional toll on me.

A says, “Ok, if cutting me off is what you really want, then do so”

A keeps typing, then stops, keeps typing, then stops.

“Can you at least tell me what I did wrong, so that I know what to do next time when I land in a situation like this again?”

I didn’t know what he did wrong either. He was just being himself, I guess.

I say, “You didn’t do anything. I just don’t think talking to you is doing any good to me. It shouldn’t interfere this strongly with my daily life, but it is.”

He said he understands, and that we should part ways, if that’s what’s best for me.

I say, “I wonder why I’m having a harder time saying goodbye than you are”

A says, “Believe me, it’s very hard for me too”

Behind my screen, I started crying? How did I get so attached to somebody I barely knew? I couldn’t understand what was going on with me.

I wanted to hold onto him for dear life. From the moment A said he liked me, my mind took off to fantasyland. I got so excited about this mutual liking, that my mind overlooked the realism of this whole situation. I was so attached to the idea of someone liking me and the embellishments of romantic love, that I completely malfunctioned when confronted with reality, when my expectations of a perfect love weren’t met.

Because I didn’t want to let go of that concept of love, I didn’t want to let go of A. Who knows when the next person will like me? It took me 19 years to get my first one? Was my logic lmfao. fuck.

I said, “Maybe I just need some time to sort myself out. We’ll talk again someday.” I could not let him go, not because I even liked him all that much, but because of the sheer reason that he said he liked me.

A said, “Do whatever you need to do to make yourself happy. If there’s anything I can do, please tell me. But please don’t cry.”

In this last conversation before the ‘break’, A was oddly enough very sweet to me, which felt horrible. This is the most vulnerable, genuine side I had ever seen of A in the 5 months of knowing him. I wanted to continue talking, but I already said we should stop talking so I was too ashamed to go back on my words GJOIDSJGOSIGJS

We wished each other the best of luck and said our goodbyes.

I said, “Talk to you later, one day”

“I know. Goodbye.” A said, thinking this was our last conversation, because he didn’t think I would actually hit him up a month later. Lol.

CHAPTER 2: ON HOLD

I still have never been in a relationship, but what I felt the next morning, is what I imagine what half of a break up must feel like. I felt empty and wanted to text him almost immediately.

Yes, ya girl listened to sad songs and she was bawling her eyes out. Jeez. Give me a break.

Lunchtime came around. I looked out the window as it was snowing. I wanted to take a picture and show him, since it doesn’t snow in Miami, fuck please what the fuck. BUT i couldn’t do any of that because I had already said we’re taking a break, wow.

I start tearing up and my mom looks worried.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” The feeling of eating and crying at the same time is horrible. My mom doesn’t ask me anything further and I just keep sulking for the rest of the day. For the rest of the freaking month.

Holding back the urge to talk to him that day was extremely difficult, but imagine how ridiculous I would have looked if sis gave up in less than a day, so that held me back LMAO.

On some days A wasn’t even on my mind and I was living just fine.

On some nights A was all I could think about.

I kept thinking about when I should contact him. After my exams? That’s too long. That’s like 2 to 3 months, he’s over me by then! But if I talk to him before my exams, how will that affect my studies? The struggle was real.

I wanted this break to calm my feelings and for me to get back on my feet. That didn’t happen. I was still obsessed with the idea of what it must be like to be with someone. And for some odd fucking reason I thought I could make that a reality with A LMAOOOOOOO STOP

I thought, the longer I wait, the bigger the chance he’d no longer be interested in me. That thought was absolutely terrifying to me. I had to talk to him by the end of the month, or else I could not salvage This True Love.

CHAPTER 3: KIKI

We’re nearing the end guys, stay with me. It’s gonna be very anticlimactic, so stay tuned!

So after a month of anguish and yearning I send him a text. I couldn’t even wait until I got home. I did it while i was on the bus with 4G, um calm down binch???

We start talking again, but for some reason things just felt different to me. I expected things to be different. I wanted to go back to the euphoric point of when we told each other we liked each other or back to him comforting me in our ‘last moments’ before I momentarily cut him off.

The next day, and the day after, and the day after that, I kept waiting for A to text me first, but he never did. I had to text him first for 4 consecutive days. Is this a bad sign? Did he not like me anymore? He hadn’t even asked if he could call me, which I didn’t really want to do anyway, but at least it meant that he liked me, right? He’d always text back, though. And our conversations were moderately fun. So I couldn’t understand what was going on. I had to know what was going on in his mind. Does he still like me the way he used to?

These 3 months I was constantly very vulnerable, emotionally unstable and very very insecure, once again finding it hard to grasp what I was going through mentally. For tackling these problems, I always went for the approach of wearing my heart on my sleeve. Now, I really don’t know if this was the best tactic, but at least I got everything off my chest and didn’t hold anything in.

“Why haven’t you been texting me first?”

“Honest to god, I’m just really busy lately. If you want to talk, just talk to me. If you’re bothered with anything, don’t deal with it by yourself. I’m here to listen.” A told me he was preparing for his finals. I once again made a clown of myself.

But how busy was he really? He still liked his dumbass memes on instagram, continued following Asian girls, why couldn’t he make time for me? Didn’t he like me?

It dawned on me that I wasn’t on his priority list. And it made sense. Seniors are pretty busy and need to worry about applying for college. Which senior in their right mind would be looking for love? Who was I in his world? Just a part of his collection of Asian girlfriends? Sure that’s kind of hurtful, but can we still make ♥~*LOVE*~♥ happen though? My delusional self thought, Yes!!!!!

As time progressed, I got more and more insecure and kept confronting him with my own problems, and A must’ve gotten more and more sick of my bullshit.

At times he’d text me first, but not make the effort to keep the conversation going at all. I always had to bring up something interesting to keep talking or else the convo would’ve just ended with him giving a one word reply like “lmao”

He asked to call 2 more times, but I said no, feeling slightly traumatized from what the last call did to me lol. Also, I knew if I heard his voice again, that everything would affect me even more. So we never called.

“Can I call you?”

“Why? Do you miss my voice that much?” LMAOOO BYE WHO DO I THINK I AMMMMJSOIGJSOG

“No, I just need my hands to be free, I’m making homework, so calling seemed easier.”

I realized him wanting to call me, wasn’t necessarily because he liked me, it was mostly out of practicality, so that he could multitask and do something else.

A was sometimes just flat out rude, and he honestly doesn’t care. He was a self-proclaimed Asshole (is that something to be proud of?) and said that he most of the time doesn’t care if he hurts people’s feelings. That’s scary. Why wouldn’t you care about being a good person? Lawful Evil.

Here are some other red flags that still didn’t stop me from backing away:

Racial slurs are a joke to him

He really enjoys WWII jokes

Is heavily annoyed by pride month

When I showed him pictures of my dog, he didn’t seem to care at all

He dislikes Ariana Grande

Despite all these things, I was still attached to A. For what? He didn’t even like me romantically anymore at this point. What kind of rose goggles was I wearing? LOL. At this point i just wanted his attention.

I kept holding onto something that was never even there to begin with. The possibility of ♥~*LOVE*~♥ ever happening. I failed to realize that everything was doomed from the beginning. I had been alone all my life and the moment I thought somebody could change that I Snapped Lmao.

1. The distance. For real, who’s actually going to pay that much money to see someone you barely know and barely care for?

2. A was never really out there looking for anything serious. He’s a high school senior for god’s sake.

3. My unrealistic fantasies of what should have been happening to achieve ♥~*LOVE*~♥ constantly clashed with my reality. I was constantly busy fantasizing of what could have been that I failed to see things for what they were. I continuously tried to mold the situation into something it wasn’t.

If you think about it for more than 10 seconds and imagine a situation where we would actually meet, I would probably find the nearest cliff to jump off of. Exactly how much embarrassing cringy shit have I said to this man?

In probably our last meaningful conversation I asked him what he thinks of me, after “knowing” me for around 4 months.

A says, “I think you’re cool, you just need a confidence booster”

He once again, called himself an Asshole and made the point that I actually have a great personality and am really funny and that I just need to realize it. At least he’s aware. I applaud him. He told me things I already knew, but it was still very thought provoking to think about my confidence because it is the root of many of my problems.

Our last conversations felt like I was beating a dead horse. I don’t think any of us care enough anymore. Our situation was dead from the beginning and that’s fine. I’m glad this story has finally come to an end. I wish A would realize being a good person is actually rewarding, but it’s his own choice to change his life for the better. I wish him the best, and I wish myself the best of luck too. He just graduated high school and might just enter a transitional phase like I did lol. Does everyone go through a rebirth in their first year of uni? Maybe it’s just me. Finally this can die. My soul feels a lot lighter. Like in Shugo Chara, how the X-egg becomes a normal egg again and says “Thank You”, that is literally how I feel right now. Wow.

CHEESY EPILOGUE

This whole thing started because I felt extremely lonely and bored lol.

And that loneliness was amplified with my insecurities + inexperience of never having had any romance in my life? I always tend to blame myself, when really, inherently, there is nothing wrong with me. Things like a first kiss, a first lover or a first date all come at a different time for everyone. I just need to stop being impatient and glorifying my own concept of what ♥~*LOVE*~♥ is and just enjoy my life for what it is as time flows.

The thing about my self-esteem is, I am definitely aware of what a great person I am, but I still find it hard to see my worth? Like, I can see it, but I can’t grasp it? I think I tend to magnify and pick at my flaws so strongly that I can no longer believe in my own capabilites... It’s important to be kind to others but we forget that we should also be nice to ourselves.

If I want to make friends and get to know people, I will, and the right people will like me for who I am.

I must realize that I am more than what I hate about myself and that I am in fact good enough. Validation from the outside world can be nice but it’s still Me who really needs to believe it. (dattebayo)

Human beings are so complicated and we need to take all the time we need to understand ourselves and understand why we feel the way we feel, why we think what we think.

If you have been reading up to this point, I would like to thank you for taking your time to read about my experience. Hopefully you learned something too!

I love you :)

#thoughts #story #long post

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