#ive eaten lunch btw. i just had such a dang hard time the entire time

[actualbird]

beware cuz tw disordered eating, tw smoking addiction posting ahead but like.....

the thing about smoking vs eating is that. smoking is SO MUCH EASIER TO DO.

eating has so many steps. make food (AUGH), put food on plate, sit down and focus to eat food, food enters mouth, must chew, must swallow, must ignore constant low-level nausea to keep food down, repeat until food on the plate is gone. currently im so low-energy and fatigued that this whole process of eating is exhausting to me, and at the end of it i get a tummy ache anyway and risk vomiting all of it out, so theres always a risk of all that hard work (it is...objectively not hard work, i know, but right now in my Mental State it feels like climbing a mountain every time i have a meal) being all for naught.

meanwhile the steps for smoking are Marginally Much Less. it's: get cigarette, light cigarette, inhale, exhale, repeat until cigarette is done. and usually once im done, i wont feel hungry for another half hour because nicotine does that to me.

but it's short-term benefits vs long-term benefits because obviously after enough cigarettes-instead-of-eating, the effects of Not Having Eaten And Smoking Instead stack up to hit me with one hell of a whammy of acidity and Even More Nausea and like

i am Well Aware im trapping myself in a cycle of self-destruction every time i reach for a cig instead of sitting down and eating but smoking is just. easier. and it relaxes me instead of stressing me out, and eating sometimes does stress me out because of the amount of work and focus it involves

this is all horrible by the way, im not endorsing this behavior im just airing out my thoughts. in fact, i am a case study in all the things you should Not be doing to your body

but addiction is just a really crazy thing lmao. like what the fuck do you mean i prefer killing myself slowly rather than having a filling meal. thats crazy. no sane person would have those priorities in that order

and yet

#tw disordered eating #tw smoking #ive eaten lunch btw. i just had such a dang hard time the entire time #why is eating so hard. i like food. i KNOW i like food so why is getting it into my system so difficult #whenever im in the hospital i actually enjoy having an IV because it means i dont have to eat as much because the act is just #such a dang chore. theres so many steps. sometimes i stop mid-chew because im so tired or because i wanna throw up #dootdootdoot #anyhoo to all those out there who can eat without trouble: i love you. keep on doing that. dont take it for granted. it's a good thingto ea #i wish i could eat normally