#just sitting here on my monday lunch hour thinking about catholic guilt and repression

[exhuastedpigeon]

The last time I went to confession I was hungover and had gone down on a girl for the first time the night before.

I wanted nothing more but absolution because that's what confession was supposed to give you, but when I walked out of the church twenty minutes later with my penance (praying the rosary 5 times and instructions to do some kind of service) I didn't feel absolved.

I felt worse. I felt this roiling pit of something in my stomach that didn't go away until the friend who I had my tongue inside of the night before found me on campus with a coffee and Timbits and her sweet smile. When she smiled at me I felt all the absolution I needed.

Because the priest at that church was never going to actually absolve me of my sins. Loving someone, being intimate with them, that isn't actually a sin.

The sin was telling me when I was 10 years old that people who love someone of the same sex are sinners.

The sin was letting me at just 14 years old hear some old women in a church basement say they thought all gay people were going to burn in hell.

The sin was never mine - it was the churches. And I am not going to grant the church absolution. No amount of prayers and acts of service can make up for the hatred I felt for myself the first time I realized I looked at girls the same way I looked at boys.

#just sitting here on my monday lunch hour thinking about catholic guilt and repression #for no reason at all #(except eddie diaz - he's the reason) #han rambles #prose #kind of?