#just want a fucking elevator pass. and maybe a cane. make it hurt less to live my life

[arthur-r]

anyway i’m going to try again at sleeping but i’m angry and i think that’s fair!!!! and i’m upset that my frustration about not having answers or anyone listening to me, is supposed to prove that it’s all emotional and in my head. like trust me i know how it feels to have symptoms caused by brain. and i know how it feels to have symptoms caused by physical activity. hint: if it stops when i sit down, it’s not a panic attack. i fucking know myself and i’m tired of people acting like i’m an emotional crybaby for wanting my physical issues to be acknowledged. i work through this everyday and get told that i’m lazy or i have a mental block. and i’m tired of being misrepresented and misunderstood.

#i’m gonna go to bed but i’m so fucking angry and that doesn’t mean i’m irrational it means i’ve been at this too long #maybe i would seem more tragic and innocent if they figured it out when i was five years old. but it becomes a lot after a while #hopeful about the clinic i found in the cities. nervous about parental endorsement of location and content #but we’ll see what happens. idk. i’m just so tired #hahaha i have a song about that dont i #when everything i say is up for criticism faux concern and calling me ungrateful for my life that’s filled with sleepless nights #when everything i do is filled with apathy or empathy or too much feeling not enough i’m tired cannot sleep #i dont know what is wrong with me but i know that i cannot sleep i’d rather never ever have been born but if i’m here i want to sleep #so anyway obviously i’m depressed. and anxious. and whatever the hell else #but a lot of it hinges on the fucking torture that is my everyday physical existence #my goal is no longer to be dead. my goal is just to be understood and accommodated #just want a fucking elevator pass. and maybe a cane. make it hurt less to live my life #so anyway just. idk. goodnight. sorry for being angry and whatever. it’s just a lot #and i want to be listened to by someone and it’s stupid to throw my stuff at the only people who ALREADY are on my side #but i’m not about to scream at my dad because that doesn’t end well. so here i am. #hope everyone is doing well. sorry for negativity on dash. i’ll tag this one cause i have room #vent cw #suicide mention #medical cw #hope this covers it. ask to tag. hope you all are well i’m trying again for goodnight