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#like a drowned rat. im tired of being tired but not being able to sleep. im tired of not being able to explain that yes its really not you
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#tbd#☉#lemme start by prefacing this with I KNOW there's no real normal way to be human#ok i get that#but fucking HELL I wish i was normal#i wish my health was normal for my age#i wish i wasn't fucking. neurodivergent#im fine with being queer but ffs why am i in between normal queer and accepted Aroace-ness#why am i abnormal in that regard too#i wish I didn't alienate people i wish i didn't have to explain why im extra quiet and moody and minutes from a meltdown#i wish my hands and feet wouldn't swell up and hurt and burn and I wish i could take a fucking shower without feeling dread#because i had the water temp set to hot and now im dizzy and my heart is racing and im overheating -- alternatively I wish#i didn't feel so self conscious because i DONT shower every day or even every other day like i dont like when my hair goes limp either!#and i use deodorant everyday and wipe off when i can but i have fuckin Let's Sweat Buckets For No Reason Disorder so i always look and feel#like a drowned rat. im tired of being tired but not being able to sleep. im tired of not being able to explain that yes its really not you#its me. me wanting to be alone has nothing to do with you ok its my brain deciding to fuckin shut down because everything is too much rn#& idk how to tell you that im at my wits end but if you treat me with kidd gloves i WILL go off like a fuckin bomb. just treat me NORMAL ffs#just treat me normal 😭 i just want to be normal. i want to be able to sit down and just do my application stuff instead of#staring at a blank document for weeks and then wanting to throw things as the deadline approaches (#its due friday and i have absolutely nothing written lmao) and idk if its executive dysfunction or anxiety or my tendancey to self sabotage#but either way im so fuckin fucked. im NOT in the headspace rn for writing a graduate school application letter.#trying hard not to cry rn bcs my friend and her parents are sleeping already bcs they have a 9-5 sleeping schedule to fit their 9-5 jobs#like i dont even have a normal sleeping schedule lmao mine's 2-10. i just don't understand why im so broken or whatever. not normal.#& i feel bad for bitching about it all bcs objectively i have a pretty decent life. i have a home i have food i have a family that loves me#im just back to feeling like im too much and also not enough and im so fuckin lonely. im tired of feeling lonely. and i think#ive got a platonic crush or two. or something. and idk how to handle that anymore. if i ever did.#idk idk i feel like im back to looking at the world and passersby through frosted glass again.
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365daysofsasuhina · 4 years
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[ 365 Days of SasuHina || Day Three Hundred Forty-Four: On an Island ] [ Uchiha Sasuke, Hyūga Hinata, Hoshigaki Kisame ] [ SasuHina ] [ Verse: Blue Waves and Black Flags ] [ AO3 Link ]
What else is an orphan lad of an island nation to do but become a pirate?
Hanging from a web of rigging, Sasuke watches the waves roll and feels the seaspray against his skin. It’s nearly the end of a cloudless day in late Spring, and the weather is about as fine as seafarers could ask for as night begins to fall. The wind ruffles his flyaway hair, a small smile on his face. Should be easy sleeping tonight with the calm waters.
As tough as life has been these past few years...he knows he’s simply lucky to see them passed. With most others sharing his blood long gone, Sasuke had little choice but to resort to the less lawful ways of surviving.
Of course...his current arrangement wasn’t, at first, intended. Attempting to filch some supplies from a slew of crates along his hometown’s dock one foggy morning, he’d found himself caught and hung upside down by an ankle. Protesting quite loudly, it hadn’t done much to sway the pirate that had caught him red handed in their goods.
“Seems a little rat’s nibbled his way into the rations,” he’d laughed, ignoring Sasuke’s thrashing. Solidly built and covered with ink, he’d gathered a few others around. “What d’you say, lads? Bit scrawny, ain’t he?”
“Put him down, Kisame,” a flame-haired man retorted. “He’s harmless, and we’ve got crates to load if we’re to make it to the meeting point on time.”
“Feisty little bugger, I have to say...seems a waste to let him sit here and starve…”
“We have enough children mucking about,” another man cut in. “We don’t need any more strays, Kisame.”
“What, we were all strays at some point, Sasori! How many of us can you say were conscripted at any sort of ripe old age? Not even you!”
“We’re still getting that blond brat to obey orders, let alone the albino. Last thing we need is another mouthy child to fight with before we get short and toss them overboard for the fish.”
At the threat, Sasuke had quickly settled down.
Kisame’s mouth had settled into a firm line, brow furrowed. “I’ll keep an eye on ‘im if it’s such a hassle, then. I’m not about to squander promising youth.”
“If he can pull his weight despite his being scrawny, then do what you will. Just keep him out of the way and get the supplies loaded.”
“Aye, Yahiko sir.” Setting Sasuke down, the one called Kisame had crouched, looking him over appraisingly. He’d seen his fair share of abandoned children on the docks, and had been one himself once upon a time. “...think you can trade a bunk and some food for manners and obeying orders, laddie?”
Still wary, Sasuke had realized he didn’t have much choice...and nodded.
“...good, then. Now...grab that sack, there. Can’t start too early, eh? Need to bulk you up,” he’d then taunted, ruffling the little Uchiha’s hair and chuckling at his protest. An arm flexed, showing the sizeable muscles. “Someday we’ll have you strong as an ox, but for now...best you start off light.”
And that was how Sasuke ended up on the ship among the group calling themselves the Red Dawn. Though not the only child, he’d been the youngest, close in age to those like Deidara and Hidan. The former detested him on sight, and the latter enjoyed having someone younger to pick on...but at least he was alive.
Now he’s fifteen, and though still far more lithe than Kisame and his bulk, is much stronger than he’d been when first discovered pilfering their supplies. Self assured, and maybe a little cocky, he’s one of the quickest and most agile of the crew, and it’s common to see him climbing about in the rigging like a monkey.
“Oi, boyo!”
Glancing over to his mentor, Sasuke leaps down to let Kisame speak to him face to face. “Aye, sir?”
“Find any frayed lines or slipping knots?”
“No, sir. Everything looks to be top form, sir.”
There’s a snort. “Always with the ‘sir’...I think I know well enough by now you respect me without you spittin’ the word every few words, hm?”
“Aye sir.”
Ignoring Sasuke’s smirk, Kisame gives his shoulder a shove. “Off to bed with you, then. We’ll be landing midday tomorrow, so best you be rested.”
At the notion, Sasuke can’t help but brighten. It’s been several weeks since they last made landfall, and he’s eager to get off the ship for a while and explore a new town. “Will we be moored long?”
“A few days, give or take. Just be sure you don’t get yourself into any trouble,” the elder pirate advises, giving the youth a rather pointed look. “None of your shenanigans from the last time we docked...got it?”
“It was just one brawl -”
“And you had two black eyes. Not to mention we were nearly ousted and thrown out. I’m serious, Sasuke...keep your head down. We can’t afford to muddy the waters.”
“...yes, sir.”
“To bed, then.”
Making his way below deck, Sasuke doesn’t waste much time crawling into the hammock he sleeps in, kicking off his boots and not bothering with anything else. He’ll just change in the morning before they make landfall and at least look somewhat presentable.
Until then...he swiftly falls asleep to the gentle rocking of the ship.
...at least, for a few hours.
“Sasuke...Sasuke!”
Eyelids squinting, they open as he hears his mentor’s voice. “...Kisame…?”
The pirate’s expression is solemn. “We’re coming up on a nasty squall...no avoiding it with the winds as they are. Best you get up and secure yourself before it hits.”
Sasuke’s gut sinks, but not entirely. They’ve faced storms before. Sure, some get lost now and then, but he’s yet to go overboard.
...and yet, Kisame’s face makes him wonder.
Slipping on his boots, he makes his way topside to a terrifying sight. Even as color peeks over the horizon, the rest of the sky is quickly being consumed by a reaching, contorting black. Clouds roll and tear at the ferocity of the winds, and the curtain of pounding rain is quickly approaching.
...this doesn’t look good.
The crew is shouting and running, moving to tie down anything that moves. Sasuke leaps into the fray, helping to check the rigging he only just finished securing the night before. The whipping winds snap the sails like thunderclaps, and he pales as perfectly good lines already show signs of stress.
This really isn’t good.
Waves begin to swell, cresting further and further over the deck. Clothes are quickly soaked, Sasuke moving to mop water from both heaven and sea from his face. He can barely see in the deluge…!
“Sasuke -!”
Squinting and turning to Kisame’s voice, Sasuke pales as a monster wave begins to tilt the ship, rearing up over them like a furious stallion.
He barely has time to take a breath before it hits him like a slap from a god. Turning and spinning as the water tries to pull him apart, he loses all sense of direction before being spat back up upon the surface.
Around him, several other crewmen attempt to grab on to anything nearby and floating. The ship slowly wobbles back the other way, swiftly drifting the other direction at the storm’s mercy.
With it goes any hope of being pulled back onto the deck. The ocean is too angry, too determined to see them drowned.
Managing to find a barrel, Sasuke clings to the bobbing lumber as lightning flashes and rain falls in sheets. Already his body is exhausted from its beating, and he knows it won’t be long until he can’t fight any longer. Curling his fingers as best he can into the ropes around his lifesaver, he holds on for dear life for as long as he’s able. But once his body gives up...it all goes black.
“...nn…”
Eyelids quivering, he rises into consciousness like a struggle against the tide. Where...what…?
Managing to open his eyes, Sasuke finds himself staring at...some kind of thatched roof…? But, he was on the ship, and...and…
...oh no…
Sitting up in a panic, he soon finds himself dizzy, collapsing back upon something soft. Bits and pieces of the morning before (or...whenever it was - how long was he out?) flicker through his mind, lingering exhaustion making the memories difficult to recall. But eventually he finds his feet, staggering out of what turns out to be a small hut.
Squinting against the sun, he finds himself not too far from a sandy beach peppered with stones. Stepping out, he stumbles far enough to get a better view of his surroundings. It looks like he’s one some kind of...island of some sort. What size he can’t know, or if there’s anyone else around.
...but someone had to build this hut.
Slowing panning his eyes, he stares as a figure approaches from one side of the shore. Somehow pale despite the sun, a curtain of dark hair hangs to her hips. Under an arm is a basket, and she comes up short as she spots him.
“Y...you’re awake!”
Feeling more caught in a fever dream than alive, Sasuke can’t manage a reply before his knees decide enough is enough. Crumpling, he sinks into the sand before his vision flickers and his body goes slack.
A gasp sounds from his unexpected companion. Racing over and setting aside her burden, she carefully takes his head in her lap. “...well...maybe you’re not quite r-ready to be on your feet,” she murmurs. With surprising strength, she drags him back inside, settling him atop the odd nest of fabric within that serves as a resting place. Next she fetches her basket, heavy with fruits. Ensuring he’s stable, she trades it for a net, walking back out into the sand and wading into the water.
For a moment she stands and stares before slipping beneath the surface. Just as she submerges, a flick of an amethyst tail sends water flipping into the air before she disappears.
                                                          .oOo.
     Oh golly it's late @~@      ...I wanna say I wrote something kinda like this before, but it's been so long and with SHM on top of it, I can't really recall what all I've done and when and for what, ahaha - forgive me if this sounds too familiar. I'm very tired and couldn't really think of anything else, RIP.      Anyway, I wanna say more but...too tired. I'm gonna go crash :'D Thanks for reading~
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