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#like idk i feel like they might kinda listen because yesterday I guess they wouldn't have but today i have stopped caring about cars
featherymainffins
·
1 month
Text
Binge-reading Dungeon Meshi because it's the only thing standing between me and suicide ngl.
#it at least gave me the single molecule of mental energy required to force myself to eat at least one slice of bread
#because it's like the physical energy is there sure but mentally I'm like 'noooooo I don't want to eat anything i hate food
#all food tastes bad and i hate life and i want to eat nothing at all and furthermore i need to lose weight so i should starve myself'
#I'm thinking that it might actually make me last until I either convince the crisis center that I'm for fucking real for real
#or until my appointment with the school counselor. which idk when would be because i was supposed to go on the
#2nd of April but i guess there might be holidays because he called me when i was atva lecture but i couldn't take it
#because i had a lecture and he hasn't called since but I'm assuming
#that hell call again and that he wants to let me know that the date is impossible
#but I want to like wait and see what he says. and if he goes like 'oh actually im on a long vacay now goodbye forever'
#or whatever I'll just go '...slay' and ride my ass to the hospital tomorrow.
#show up at the crisis centre looking exactly like the patients with chronic pain who report pain 7 while looking unphased
#like 'hello i am an active danger to myself I can't get out of bed most days; i need 16 hours of sleep to function for 4 hours
#my meds have stopped working I haven't eaten anything but exactly 2 pancakes and a slice of bread in the past 4 days
#and i exhibit a strong refusal to change this marked by thoughts present in people affected by eating disorders. no activity
#feels fun anymore and they were marked by a strong sense of anxiety a few days ago but now i just feel nothing at all.
#at this point I'm not even refusing to do any of my hobbies because im increasingly afraid of failure and its
#consequences while being hunted for sport by anxiety from the opposite end telling me that i need to finish 50 masterpieces
#immediately or nobody will ever like me again and they'll all see me for the talentless fraud i am. at this point i just don't care.
#i don't do anything because i feel sluggish and my body is heavy and I'm so so tired and I'm tired of being awake and I can't think straight
#also i think i might be going into a psychotic episode again.'
#they're gonna tell me to get the fuck out of their faces anyway but it's worth a try.
#like idk i feel like they might kinda listen because yesterday I guess they wouldn't have but today i have stopped caring about cars
#and looking both ways. which is like. not a good sign probably. also yesterday i was still somewhat able to talk to people
#even though i was in a very irritated and drained out state but today I'm feeling like if anyone even fucking attempts to talk to me
#or if i hear any loud fucking sound at all I'm just gonna punch myself in the head until the pain drowns out all the sound
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