#like since late 2022 it's been kind of like. bad vibes consistently

[eggmeralda]

I may have lost all hope

#it's a weird feeling? #like since late 2022 it's been kind of like. bad vibes consistently #and i tried to stay somewhat positive throughout it #but idk there's this very distinct feeling now of like. i can't describe it but it's completely gone #like I've actually got nothing to live for #nothing I've done or wanted to do since i was 14 has ever really like amounted to anything #all the friends i made i never feel like i can talk to #once again in that state of 'only alive so my family don't get sad' #like even when i wanted to just stop existing when i was 21 there was this tiny bit of hope still there a little bit #like i remember for that whole summer i kept getting quick thoughts about suicide but I'd always push them out of my mind instantly #but there was one day where i let the thought stay in my mind for a little bit and like properly considered how i would do it #and then after a bit i was like FUCK and then went and walked like an hour away from my house to try and forget it #and then after that day i slowly got better. and it was annoying bc it meant now i had to walk a whole hour back to my house #but even if those 2 months there was still this feeling of this isn't gonna last #bc i knew i was back at uni in a few months and at least i had music to listen to #and all the other times I've been in that state there was still this sort of feeling that it'll get better bc I've got things to get me #through it #but it doesn't feel like that now. like no job no friends no hyperfixation and now i can't even enjoy any music #anything i create is pointless bc only i care about it #all my friends are busy doing other stuff I'm like not even second best I'm the most forgettable person anyone might know #the only thing that would fix me is getting a random train to like some place I've never been #just to see a new thing i guess #but anyway #ramble #suicide mention