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i-stole-a-lisence-plate-blog · 5 years

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Okay I just need to spill some liquid this shit ain't even tea it's just booze that's been inside of me for the past 3 hours so I need to get it out: When I was 12 my lil bro was 9. His organs were like "fuck this we out" or at least they tried to fail on him but my mama came in like "Oh no you nasty bitches don't you come right back here and function for my boi" so she took him to a hospital and stayed there with my pap and him for a month in like friggin Christmastime. Me and my older bro, we stayed at home with our gramma and went to our private school like good children except it was like "what the fucks going on even, huh". At school all my friends were like "Omg how's it going are u gonna run the turkey trot?!?" All the cool people did the fucking Turkey Trot. Running the turkey trot was like using them airpods. So I'm like "yass bitches I'm doing that this year u kidding me" cause I was a legit 7th grader not no lame ass 6th grader who ain't got any juice. Come then the time of November as I run that Turkey Trot and beat Lauren Schultzer, the best day of my fucking little life cause she low key a thot. Anyways I go home all electric and happy and shit then I'm like "I can't eat no fucking thanksgiving dinner after that run I worked my ass off to maintain this bod" so I didnt eat nothin the rest of that day maybe some cookie or some shit.... Then come January when my lil bro come back, and the world is back and my bad ass mama's back and it's all back. But I'm still like "heh yeah I got this. New Year new me. I'm gonna be 13, gotta be fit and sexy. Gotta work out, gotta eat clean and all that shit my life is gonna be lit lit lit" so I wake up at 5 and do them Jillian Michaels work outs and treadmill, then cook myself an egg white, then go to school and talk to boys and talk to my friends and then come home, run on the treadmill, do my Burpees and abs, some more exercise hell then I'm donnnee. Start weighin my stupid skinny ass after a few weeks im like "okay 78 not bad" later it be like "75, gross" then "70 come on just a lil more" then "68 bam u a queen motherfucker!!!" Come may my grandpa dead. Come the summer I'm like "hey where'd my period go" cause that bad boi just skidaddled on out of my life. Also i be craving sugar like cRaZy "woah mama I need me some sugar" (for real though i was like gonna pass out if i didnt get sugar in me) but im like "u kidding, no you don't get no sugar you gotta work out, you fat dumbass" but I just had to have food or something greasy and sugary so I'd eat some fries and be like "yessssmmmm" and then be like "what the fuck just happened why did you put that stupid shit in your pie hole?!??!" And upchuck that stuff Come 8th grade I'm like "okay back to normal, summers over no more eating junk food and spewing it" and there I went back into the exercise heavenhell. But thennnn My mama found somethin like vomit or some shit somewhere. She see how skinny I got. She see the pantry full, I ain't eaten nothin. She put 2 and 2 together cause she ain't stupid. She came on me like "gurl you sick or somethin?" I was like high key depressed or something, I was so sad and lonely and shit I didn't even know how I felt. I was like "No wtf mama what you sayin" Come November I be in a hospital in the grand state of cOloRaDo! They hook me up in a feeding tube and shit, they watch me eat and shit, shit, they even gotta watch me TAKE a shit! All these kids there too, they got fucked up brains just like me. But we got hella tight hella fast lemma say that. We know what everyone's feeling, everyone feels like a fucking hippopatomas after breakfast and all that. We love each other cause we know each other. We all smell bad, we all gotta eat and take our meds. Come 3 months later I don't wanna fucking leave that place. All my friends are there, my real friends that understand shit. But my therapist come in like "Kay you gotta bounce! Byeeee!" And I got bounced the fuck out. Now im back home like "well fuck this I can't recover I ain't even ready!!" But I gotta go back to school... my brain said: "Hell naw you ain't goin back there you're ugly now!" So I'm like "well what do I do brain?" And brains like: "better fucking kill urself. I mean there's not that many options stupid." Come march I'm in another hospital! This one's different. Nobody talks. Food is gross and no one's making me eat it so I don't obvi, and u can't do shit there u can just sit at tables and play cards or lay outside inside that gates on a fucking beach mat. With people always watching u. So I'm there like "tHiS sucks" then a boi comes and I swear to Jesus he was my everything. We talked all day and all up until we had to say good night he was my sun and my moon I wanted to touch every fucking part of him. He loved me, the REAL shit. We stay there for like two months trying to figure out how our shits gonna work out. We'd go out in the grass on our towels and talk about trying to fix our stupid ass lives and sometimes just not talk at all. I could tell when he was getting feels and he could tell when I was we were meant to fucking be. "I love u" a human being said that I still can't fucking believe it because I had to go. Again. But he left on that same day. But I was going back to cOloRaDo!!!! I got his number and he got mine so we had it all set and shit. Come August I realize how crazy my life has been. Come September I get back from the hospital. Mama says I gotta redo that 8th grade year I fucking missed cause of ED, I am pissed (so so so pissed) but Finally I'm like You know what You can't do shit about things you can't do shit about. So I hop on that recovery train. Come 2018, it's hard. Life is H A R D hard! But I start getting my mind wrapped up around music.... and that shit does stuff to you. Music does some real strong stuff to you once you get into it. I start playing the guitar and piano and singing, people are like "No shit! You can do this?" I'm like "hell ya it's better than anorexia or suicide so I'm gonna work my ads off to be good at it" and no kidding I practiced every day until I could play Lindsay Buckingham's solos in my fucking sleep. Eventually I'm like "holy crap.... I wonder whatever happened to ****** from the hospital who I had a serious connection with" I look up his name on Google and he's dead. Dead af. Bang bang gone. I cry like a fucking horse cause fuck I missed him. And you can't do shit about things you can't do shit about. But my heart fucking hurt. (Still does but different now) Come September I get accepted into a music school. Start doing shows. Start getting myself in Spotify. Come 2019 I'm just a regular girl again. My 16th birthday is in 2 weeks. I really want to be loved like that again. I miss it, but it had it's place. Love isn't always and forever, and that's okay. Cause you get all raw and then you move on. But now a days I'm just fucking horny sometimes like I'll be doing homework and all of a sudden want to hard core make out with someone! Other times I'll be like "ur a fucking weirdo, you can't make out with anyone. Ever. Or else it'll be like you never loved HIM!" But none of it matters cause nobody's into me. And that's okay. You know that egg got more likes than Kylie and that's all I need. The end

#lifestory

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