#loud glowing

[glowingkorbat]

I wish I could show my gfs reaction from last night when I was telling her about Neopets and got around to explaining the pound chat and pet adoption process. When I said “so you have to basically write an essay about why you want and deserve this pretend animal” she could not believe it. I wasn’t even really questioning it as anything weird as I’ve been steeped in UFA culture since I was ten. then I had to explain that I myself have also written these neopet applications and she fully short circuited. the only stronger reaction she had in our 45min neopet discussion was when I said “so you have pets, and then you have petpets which are pets for your pets, and you have petpetpets which are pets for your petpets” and she audibly screamed

#loud glowing #Neopets #two nights in a row now we have lost sleep because she made the mistake of asking about Neopets

[battlekidx2]

“Do you like girls?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you like boys?”

“I don’t know. I think I like TV shows.”

I remember when I was in middle school all the other girls were talking about the guys they liked and I said I didn’t like anyone. I just wanted to do my own thing.

I didn’t really get why I would want to date anyone. I understood friendship, companionship— having someone to share my interests and mutually info dump to sounded cool— but I struggled to understand the appeal of spending every day and every night with someone else. Of holding hands and going on dates. 

This led to a lot of homophobic bullying and a few of them would act disgusted that I might be into them. Constantly acting like I was looking at their boobs and sexualizing them (I never made eye contact with anyone and would frequently look at the wall or space out while looking in their general direction). Or make a big show of not being interested and many other things.

I didn’t get this either. I didn’t know why I would be interested in any of them. They treated me poorly and I thought attraction was something people made up and simply just claimed to feel towards other people.

Just like I never understood celebrity crushes. You don’t know the person so how could you possibly know you liked them? And I never understood how people “chose” who they dated. Did they just choose whoever they liked hanging out with the most?

But any time I voiced this it was always met with worse and worse reactions. It led to isolation among peers and my family. My parents made it pretty clear I wasn’t who they wanted me to be. That I wasn’t normal.

I soon learned to fake it. Pretend I understood it.

The idea of not being attracted to anyone seemed like a foreign idea to most people I met. Even when I branched out and moved away, I met a few people in the lgbt community who couldn’t grasp it either and reacted poorly and it made me feel stupid. Like maybe I wasn’t just screwed up to people who fit in the neat little box society wants you to fit in, but to everyone else as well.

Maybe I was wrong. If it’s an impossibility even in this community that champions diversity and acceptance then can that really be my reality?

I kept trying to force it. To date, but every time I did I always felt that same skin crawling discomfort and it always petered out. It didn’t matter who it was or what gender. It always felt wrong. It was suffocating.

I don’t think there’s a movie that better portrays that all consuming, suffocating stagnation of feeling so out of place– knowing you’re out of place compared to those around you– and in response forcing yourself to fit what other people expect of you than I Saw the TV Glow.

Whenever I think back to growing up or whenever I return home that same feeling this movie is centered around always drenches my experiences.

And even now it’s hard to put into words when I talk to other people what I’ve felt when it comes to this aspect of my life.

That comment from Owen about knowing there’s nothing there when talking about romance and attraction, but being too afraid to look and knowing that his parents know something is wrong with him hit harder than any other scene from a movie I’ve watched this year.

It’s that absence of something that is at the heart of asexuality that makes me always question what I choose to identify as when I have to explain it to someone. Because for the most part my explanation boils down to (in broad oversimplified terms): I’ve never felt attraction, I’m more interested in watching a Spider-Man movie than I’ve ever been into even just the idea of dating, every time I’ve attempted to date it’s been uncomfortable and I’ve actively dodged anything beyond friendship while in the “relationship”.

And when I try to voice that to another person it always feels like those experiences don’t hold water. That’s describing the absence of something. There’s no real proof of the identity.

With being bi or gay or lesbian there’s something you can I don’t know—point to?— that can help you know your identity.

And that’s the fact that you’ve experienced attraction towards one or more people of one or more genders.

It’s defined not by the lack of something but the presence of an experience.

And so every time I try and explain it I end up feeling stupid. Like I just haven’t tried hard enough to find someone compatible. That I need to get back into the proverbial saddle and try again. I always in some way feel ashamed and backtrack as a result.

This is in no way to say that it’s harder or easier to be one identity or the another. Everyone’s experiences are different and everyone experiences are valid. This is just a struggle I’ve found that’s unique to asexuality that many people I’ve talked to have also experienced.

I haven’t felt that part of my experience be seen in media until I saw this movie. Maybe I’m latching onto what I can get or maybe that was an intrinsic part of the movie. That’s not important. What’s important is that it’s something I felt seen in even if it was literally just one scene.

This is my really long winded and roundabout way of saying that I really think this movie is going to stick with me much longer than any other thing I’ve seen this year.

Things can be hard to put into words and as a result I tend to keep things inside. I’m fairly certain I’m ace but it might turn out I’m on a different romantic spectrum then I thought or I fall somewhere different than I thought on the ace spectrum. I don’t know what I’ll discover in the future.

I’m likely not going to express my label out loud to anyone but a select few. I still can’t express this particular label out loud to many people. My family is definitely never going to hear it. A friend or two might.

It’s something I struggle with on a regular basis. I’m fine with identifying with the label in my head—in a lot of ways it makes me feel comfortable and happy— but any time I try to voice it the words die in my throat and I can’t help but feel ashamed. It’s easier to just tell people I don’t want to date right now. That there are all these factors in the way (finances, time, jobs, etc) than it is to try and explain what I’ve just rambled about above.

I know many people have felt and understood that experience and I hope people know they’re valid. You can express your identity with your full chest, shout it from the rooftops and let people know, or you can keep it to yourself, identifying as your label solely in your head. Both experiences are valid. And if your label changes at some point in your life that doesn’t make what you chose to identify as at this point any less valid too. People are always learning and growing. You can gain a new understanding of yourself as time move forward.

Sorry for the way too long ramble. This movie made me feel things.

#i saw the tv glow #a24 #aroace #asexuality #asexual #ace experience #this is my overly long #thoughts on my own experiences #and how labels can shift #and that your experiences #aren’t more or less valid #if you choose to say it out loud #or identify as it solely in your head #life’s complicated

[1495-gauge]

there's that fucked up three-eyed thing that lives in the woods. whose turn is it to chase it off again??

#submas #submas art #so long story short i cant fucking draw people. i can draw all sorts of beasties but alas the human Face has always eluded me unless im #drawing direct from reference #which simply means. i guess come up with ideas where i get to draw a lot of pokemon and maybe some dude From A Distance #anyway i really like all the like. one of them has to go a little fucking nuts in the woods. aus #submas microwave au #you see a subway boss from far away and his eyes shine like medallions just like his hat pin #in the naked twilight of a snowy night where everything glows and nothing is truly dark #and maybe he's got a mega concussion and amnesia #get adopted by creatures. idiot #submas ingo #i just feel like in an age and era where 'unusual/strange human' = dog thats going to maul my face #that this would. not go well yk #ft his little clown shoes. theyre so funny to me. little as in honkin big #loud booming calls in a language known only to it. even the zoroark seem to shun it #taking a mockery of its shape and trying to chase it down #though some in turn embrace it #seen especially commonly with ghost pokemon #perhaps its a ghost itself? #whatever it is. its not allowed in camp

[teathattast]

cause heaven only knows

how i've longed for you

waiting for years, so blue

#love notes #hemlocke springs #heavun #cause God knows i've been praying for years #you're the blessing i've been praying for #everyone should cover their ears #because i'm gonna keep on screaming it loud #cause God knows how much i love you #it's only fitting the world knows too #everyone should know that it's us #they watch in awe is our love starts to glow

[berrydoodleoo]

should you begin to lose heart, look to me

(rendered in Blender Cycles, click for higher resolution)

#ffxiv #haurchefant greystone #alphinaud leveilleur #tataru taru #my art #line is haurchefant's from the divine intervention quest when wol has the trial by combat for alphy and tataru #should you begin to lose heart #look to me in the stands #and I shall cheer so loud #you will wonder how you could ever have contrived to doubt yourself #i've been replaying the post HW quests #and i realized i really like the lighting in fortemps manor #the windows have a cool blue glow and the lamps are warm and yellowy #so i wanted to try recreating that in blender #and then i had the idea of a cuddle pile on the couch #which morphed into this #i'm picturing this as taking place directly after the scions take refuge in ishgard #they can't sleep so they stay up together talking about nothing and everything and end up dozing off #and then wol has a panic attack #i wanted to capture that sleepy feeling of freaking out as quietly as possible because someone is sleeping nearby #the hushed quiet of the snow and the sibilant whispering and haurchefant's steely-eyed intensity #i mean he loves the wol so much and believes in them so relentlessly #if you were having a breakdown because the new friends who you've just been getting used to and thinking of as family are all dead #and you feel like it's all your fault #and now you have these broken-hearted kids who are dependent on you for safety and purpose #not to mention the rest of the world #in that situation #haurchefant's affection would be overwhelming #devastating and unbearable in its sweetness #this started as a holiday thing which i guess it kind of still is depending on your holiday feelings so uh. here we go

[crypticstimz]

Can you do a Guiding/Curious Light Board pls?

Both? Both. Both is good.

✨️💙GUIDING LIGHT & CURIOUS LIGHT STIMBOARD💛✨️

✨️|💙|✨️

💙|✨️|💛

✨️|💛|✨️

#me when neon colors ((loud feral snarling)) /pos #anyways #doors #roblox doors #guiding light #doors guiding light #stim #stimboard #neon blue #electric blue #neon yellow #bioluminescence #lava lamp #street light #glow in the dark

[thunderheadfred]

Finally caught Bonnie in pacifier mode

#bonnie #she’ll just keep doing this. forever #ooWwEeHOoo #oooWeeeHooo #forever #this ball is her favorite toy #it bounces #it rolls #it glows in the dark #it is indestructible #it makes the incomprehensibly loud wail of a dying star

[ghostlyarchaeologist]

First time in the Library

The Librarian: Quest for the Spear (2004)

#the librarian #flynn carsen #judson #noah wyle #bob newhart #judson is not at all surprised #seems that flynn has always been a walking disaster #how DID he survive 10 years without a guardian? #what you can't hear is the loud crash at the end of this #followed by flynn groaning #it's great #i am very glad they got rid of the glowing bottomed bookcases in the series #it just hurts the eyes #the library in the series is much better designed and better lit for sure #this one just seems too cramped and dark for something that by its nature of being a library should be light and airy #ghostly'sgifs

[togamest]

barou seeing you upset and even though he feels weak doing so he pulls you into a hug, a warm, all encompassing embrace. his kiss is soft, and his eyes match his touch as he looks at you with stars in his eyes. “i love you,” he whispers, “and i don’t seem to wanna care who knows it.”

#barou shouei #bllk #man…god i need soft!barou #he is IN THERE i KNOW he is #he wouldn’t allow his partner to be sad on their own. i know it in my fucking genetic fibers #secretly he *is* a big softie but only for you. #but he HATES acknowledging it and it drives a wedge between you. he loves you. but he feels stuck to say it out loud. in front of ppl. #and then. you threaten to leave. you love him but you can’t ignore he just won’t say it out loud. #and suddenly there’s a switch flipped where he realized he doesn’t care if anybody knows. because the look on your face when he *does* admit #it makes you glow. like a star. #the brain worms are CRAZY RN #ari announces

[martianbugsbunny]

btw babygirls nothing makes me happier than knowing there's a zillo beast out there living his best dinosaur-ass life

#my heart bleeds for the poor fellow in clone wars #ofc as a pokemon player HOW could I not adore a stompy guy w a loud roar and glowing eyes #anyway I love him and I'm basically as glad he had a happy ending as I am the batch did lol #<3 #zillo beast #(my beloved) #(my undying and eternal fave) #(my man eating creechur) #bad batch #the bad batch #bad batch finale

[creativenicocorner]

Guess who kept doodling!!! 

More brainstorming from an untitled Serirei case fic I want to write some day, based off of the lyrics and atmosphere of Vashti Bunyan’s “Glow Worms”

Looks like interacting with childhood selves might be a bigger theme than I thought hmmm, we’ll see how further brainstorming goes!

Whisper fairy stories 'til they're real, Wonder how the night can make us feel Loving living more with love to stay Long past sadness that was in our way Long past sadness that was in our way

Part 1 here   

EDIT: You can now read the fic HERE 

#Nico Draws #brainstorming out loud #Nico blabs into the void #Serirei #Reigen Arataka #Serizawa Katsuya #mp100 #Mob Psycho 100 #man I shared and doodled so much today - go me! #Glow Worms [working title] #Glow Worms #Glow Worms or rather: In the Depths of the Safflower Hills

[glowingkorbat]

Neopets dot com…. Neopets dot com. Staff member of 21 years Alice just revealed on official Neopets livestream that she works ten hours a day six days a week answering customer support tickets and then also casually dropped that she was also in charge the beauty contest and art gallery under a different pseudonym. Can someone please get her some assistance. Apparently Jellyneo the Neopets fansite has more people on staff than Neopets dot com does. Oh what a website oh what a world

#Neopets #loud glowing #I’m truly flabbergasted #this team is as needlessly dedicated to this dying site as it’s user base at least

[warningsine]

Throw me. What? Use this hand and throw me. You'll look great. Ok. On three?

#glowedit #glow #netflix glow #ruth x debbie #femslash #debbie x ruth #ruthdebbie #debbie eagan #ruth wilder #sine's gifs #q #I still remember reading that post about Ruth wanting to be pressed like a flatbread by Debbie and laughing out loud

[askfacultystaff]

Me with my 5 comfort favorites

Cozy Glow, Principal, Adelaide Chang, Yuri and Steve Burns are got my back no matter what and are beginning to spend some free time with me.

I'm describing them to be my favorites, since i'm inspired to be a multifandom person in this whole wide world.

For @neko-sufis-world. If you're watching this, if you want your comfort favorites spend time with you too, then it's appreciated, especially both nostalgic and current times -v-

#education and learning #basically basics #myself in real life #cozy glow #my little pony #principal of the thing #the casagrandes #the loud house #adelaide chang #doki doki literature club #doki doki yuri #blue's clues #steve burns

[swallowtailed]

palisade 25 !!!!!!!

you know, i don’t think it was until the very end, when the title theme came back in (and, god, i love that song), that i actually thought: they did it. phrygian won. the sun’s gonna rise on palisade tomorrow—and on every other planet in the galaxy. mechanically, narratively, the crew had all the cards and they played them damn well. a change is gonna come. it’s already here. they won.

i was initially thinking about reading this arc as a story about death and rebirth. that’s a big part of it, but the question the pcs actually face is: are they willing to confront the possibility of their own deaths to fight for the future they dream of? (figure before the cadent, phrygian and authority—hell, trying to take down the combustor in the first place.) and that wouldn’t necessarily be the crucial question, except for the fact that the empire has pushed them and itself to that point. the divine principality uses death and destruction to prevent radical change and possibility. but the blue channel (palisade, the cause, millennium break) envision the future and set out toward it, going hand in hand with their own deaths, their own lives. and they fucking win. it’s just a really good opposition.

and on the note of rebirth, figure’s new class and new look (and new ghost pal) are fantastic. really cool to see that choice framed as a stance on their relationship to power and care, and also obviously the perennial aesthetic whips. (i did think at first that their mech’s transformation was a “congrats on the new playbook” present. u know, black hole themed mech.)

also, literally ever since meeting perennial i’ve been thinking, uh, she doesn’t seem evil or chaotic or imperial, she seems really cool actually? and i am SO PLEASED to be right. she doesn’t turn the wheel, she knows the wheel turns and she wants to break it!!! (which is perfect for figure—third chances, breaking cycles.) also there’s something from an earlier faction ep that has stuck with me—perennial wants to go home, whatever/wherever that is, but she can never go home… the wheel turns in one direction, huh? anyway, i’m really, really excited to see more of perennial in the back half of palisade :):):)

and phrygian. i loved their ending, genuinely—even though the fact of their loss was so expected as to be barely discussed (which felt a little hollow), they still got that stunning victory at the very end. their ten-thousand-year plan: all forty-one hundred stellar combustors going out like so many candles. (permanently, on a narrative level, because phrygian won that. their legacy is safe.) and to see the final roll come together—this arc was also about the power of friendship, okay, and that particularly includes help rolls and crew rolls, and realizing in the essential moment that you literally cannot lose even though you’re gambling with stars and planets. it’s just… it’s such a good win.

also pleased to have an answer to my question of how they were gonna manage tension between the two plotlines: just be extremely silly on the sun plot! and stand at the precipice of the narrative as a team. truly i do admire this table’s approach to storytelling. 

and i am so, so excited—not just for the next faction turn and the next downtime—but for everything that comes next in palisade and the divine cycle as a whole. it’s gonna be good.

#fatt #palisade #palisade spoilers #friends at the table spoilers #fatt lb #hello world #i am actually not back from the woods yet but i have cell service and many thoughts #so hello :) #i listened to this episode over the past few nights in a bunkhouse on top of a mountain #under the glow of a bright green exit sign #just trying not to gasp or laugh out loud because everyone else was asleep #wild atmospheric experience. very appropriate tho

[sapphothetic]

no one has been able to accurately voice what true love feels like since this i think

#it really is like an overwhelming chorus of i love you #so loud that you you almost feel it escape you #the glowing pink in the night metaphor… god #it literally is glowing pink in the night #yaz.txt #from pink in the night by mitski #mitski