#much to the detrement of my sanity | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bipolar-repression · 7 months

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Still Alive

Sometimes I remember how I almost could not make it past 18. Internally distrought, spiritually dismantled, and mentally blind. There was so much I was told I had to understand, yet so little I truly realized about myself. You spend years in young adulthood being told, "you must love yourself before you can love others." Arrogantly, I thought I had done that work. Yet I lived so contradictory, jumping from codependent relationship to toxic situationship. I was a fiend for affection, scouring what I thought was fruitiful paradise. When in reality, was all a mirage. I had no idea what I wanted, or even how to be an adult yet. Spending so much time spoon feeding each charity case I could find so I could exist blissfully unaware to the possiblity that I was the problem. Once I seperated myself from the environment I felt so in control of, I finally began to come out the other side. Being able to identify detremental behavior, allowing myself to finally begin to reassemble my individualism. I genuinely don't feel like I have ever felt so whole in my life. And what is interesting about reaching this point, is that I still have problems. I know, the two may not seem to correlate within someone who supposedly feels "whole". Yet I have realized, it is those that have issues and can still hold it together, who are truly whole. I was someone who would let one problem ruin my universe, completely imploding my sanity and self destructing into an abyss of suffering. But now, I walk through the battlefield of life with the Kevlar I have been able to forge through the fires of the destruction I have caused. Forgiving friends, family, and myself for the negatives. While using the positives as reinforcement for the hope that exists within my past, and pushes me forward into the future.

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