#not a lot of chances. dependent on others to provide chances. autistic hyperfixation on little scraps of the score

[prudencepaccard]

didn't get cast in ensemble. they did cast a girl at callbacks I literally taught the harmony to though. fucked up

#spent a year thinking about the audition #have actively waited for an opportunity to audition for at least seven years #show on my radar for at least 14 #love to be good enough at the audition that they call you back and then have them be like #actually never mind we don't want your voice even with the other voices. #we have no place for your body on stage with the other bodies #this is what I was afraid of. this is why as soon as it was announced like two years ago this might be produced I was as #stressed as I was excited. #it's not about ego or rejection it's just about getting to do a dream there aren't many chances to fulfill. I just get fixations you know? #rehearsals start tonight without me! #only thing helping me hold onto my sanity is an inside source telling me that the director is horrible #it's hard for grapes to be sour enough for me to not to hurt bad bad bad #but it takes away a little bit of the grief #as does the fact that a friend has the kindness to try and comfort me like that #mensch behavior #I have othr things to look forward to this was just high stakes you know #not a lot of chances. dependent on others to provide chances. autistic hyperfixation on little scraps of the score #most passionate out of anyone who auditioned for sure #and I'm not even bad #I fucked up at callbacks a little but I was hoping they wouldn't be insane about it #but holding my breath until I could get the relief of knowing I was in #which would also have been incredible news in other ways too––being in any show has been a long-term goal and I would be like okay I've hit #that milestoone and should actually invest in a headshot #but I guess not!!!!!! #going to try and not be angry at myself though #I'm good and will throw myself into my work #which I have much to do of and talent to apply to