#not to sound too pseudo-psychological current babble about it

[itspileofgoodthings]

It’s really hit me that before I make any big life decisions of any kind I have to heal and grow more. Like what do I want to DO or BE. I want to get better. I want to be better. (In a healing way. Perfectionism dni)

#it’s not like this is news. or anything anybody who knows me hasn’t already been saying #I’VE said it before #but it’s only very recently (this weekend lol) that there are just parts of me that need attention and healing #not to sound too pseudo-psychological current babble about it #but it’s just true!!! #I talk so much I expose so much to light and air #and there are parts of myself. things memories events that are just …. frozen #I was such an anxious kid. and I forget nothing and things play on a loop in my brain over and over and over #and there are just some areas of life … that have been just completely taken over #by anxiety and panic and fear #and they’ve stayed frozen because I won’t bring them into the light and let the sun fall on them and let them shrink to a normal size #and they hurt me!!!!! #and most of the time I just walk around (or have) like. guess I have to carry this burden with me forever #this sack of rocks around my neck #and everything that’s happened lately. the whole past year it’s just been like. but you don’t. #there are ways of getting help that work for you #because I AM a quick healer and I am resilient and I’ve grown so much in so many ways over the past 10 years. even just the last few years #and things are not insurmountable #they FEEL like it. they’ve felt like it for years #and yeah there is no perfectly healed state of being #but I can be better than this #my whole Steve harrington journey last year is actually like … so profoundly connected to and demonstrative of the way I have certain issues #especially when I was young. #like things happen. I misunderstand. I cry out in fear. I FREEZE. and then I quietly lock it away and never speak about it again #at least I did. and you know what I can’t actually work like that #I have a deep need to bring things into the light. #and I don’t even really care if I never fully heal #everyone has things they carry and scars and wounds and marks from their history #but just distinguishing between them to see which ones are permanent #and which one is just Steve harrington locked in the emotional freezer