#on their hobbies and stuff too. i cannot fathom spending money on things which don't enhance my “productivity”

[monkey-d-ezekiel]

personal

#i just don't know how to manage. my low self esteem anymore #i realized today how miserly i've become #i don't spend on anything more than the essentials and even there i cut costs #i see other people spending money on themselves and i just feel perplexed #on their hobbies and stuff too. i cannot fathom spending money on things which don't enhance my “productivity” #i feel like i don't deserve it and i just can't consider my happiness important or put effort into it without feeling guilty as hell #i feel it all kinda stems from how i was raised and how my parents rarely spent money on me outside of what's needed to “advance in life” #and i was called a spoiled kid and made to feel ashamed by my dad for wanting more than my books n stuff #i still feel like im extorting someone or taking advantage of them whenever i have the urge to buy something for myself #even though it's my money now #i just wish i could enjoy pointless things without guilt #personal #vent post