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I’ve relapsed twice 12/15/2019

But I let Vanessa know the minute I did the first time and the second time I took it upon myself to dump the baggie out and then throw it while I was driving. I had told myself months ago if I got the job I’d been waiting for, id be done, and it’s amazing to me how I now have two jobs that I’m basically applying it to. One marketing and one a restaurant job. I’m not going to pretend that everything just clicked into place and I quit. No, I still have the desire to get high sometimes but now that desire is part of me in the smallest way it’s ever been in almost my entire life. Nothing changed over night but it feels like it did. My motivation and drive is back, I’ve been home more the last week than I have been all year, and though I spend most of time at home face timing basically the only person I talk to, everything is just getting better. Though there are still some things I need to face that have nothing to do with my drug use, I can feel my strength to face those demons getting stronger. And whether or not I’ll be happy with the outcome of facing those demons, I know that it’s all for some better purpose, no matter if I agree or disagree with that purpose. I just know that purpose is mine and I’m about to leave a lot of people behind for good to truly become who I should.

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I have some thoughts

I’m distracting myself while my foot cools down. So anyways…I often feel like parents get shamed a lot for finances. If they can’t afford to give their children everything they’ve ever wanted, it’s a “well, you shouldn’t have kids” on the other hand, parents that provide an abundance of wants and needs creates a situation where people complain about how “spoiled” the child is. I want to flatly say that if you have the money to do everything for your children…you should do it. The goal of parenthood should ultimately be about nourishing, nurturing and caring for that child. Just because you buy them things and help them pay their rent, does not mean you can’t still teach them humility and the value of money. There’s a really like…cruel brand of parenthood where wealthy people pull “sink or swim” on their children. A “I struggled somewhat and I was okay so I should make sure they struggle, too”. That is stupid. Even when people aren’t wealthy and they decide they’re not going to provide any help their capable of providing (given said adult is not trying to freeload) is really…stupid. First of all if you just consider like the mental effects that change in standard of living could take someone through…that’s too much. You can learn lessons without struggling and you should not wish or manufacture a struggle for your children. Just talk to them. Teach them things. Guide them through experiences. Give them your best.

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I miss Montana all of the time. I just feel so good to be in Montana every time. I love this dumb state and it’s dumb mountains and it’s dumb energy. I’m so glad to be back in Montana.

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December 15’19

Leaving you has never been easy, but I do it just the same.

Maybe because a sick part of me wants to get even. Throw all the nights I spent sobbing on the floor of my bedroom.

Hurt you like you always ended up hurting me for your own selfish reasons.

But apart of me is soft for you.

You’ve sent emails and texts.

I don’t need to hear it to feel it.

I don’t know where this is headed. Because we are on separate roads.

You realized you loved me too late, and now I’m living my own life without you.

You can say you’re sorry and tell me you love me, but I am three steps ahead of you, wondering why you dragged your feet and let me move on.

But I think I have moved on, in certain ways.

We will forever be in a grey area.

For the longest time when I’m in bed and close my eyes, you felt the same way once.

Maybe it means something or maybe it doesn’t.

You will forever have a place in my heart no one else will ever have.

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i hurt so much. just come over and numb the pain. please?

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fun things to do this Christmas season:

  • take any speaker/radio/etc. playing that DAMN yoko ono song and launch it into fHucking orbit with a baseball bat
  • that’s it nothing else
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I feel like people are avoiding me, but the truth is, im the one who’s avoiding everyone. I’m sorry.

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god this year has taken so much out of me

I have absolutely no interest in finishing up my exams and seeing all the mediocrity coming out of me isn’t helping

oh well

onwards we go etc

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Sunday, December 15th, 2019

I’m grateful for a long evening walk after work. The air perfectly cool and refreshing in my lungs and on my face. The dogs happy and well behaved, the night silent and still.

Getting home just as dinner was being finished getting prepared. Salmon, potatoes, and zucchini.

My wife teaching Ronin how to balance his precious ball on his snoot.


Binging Steven Universe with my love. Having a wonderful night laughing and snuggling. Just one more episode.

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