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#only 30 tags lol i ran out... so furthermore
silenthillbunni
·
3 months
Text
📓🕯️🐇🖤pt.2
#only 30 tags lol i ran out... so furthermore
#we only get one life. im gonna try as much as i can to enjoy the little moments. nd to not give up on myself nd my life
#i will die one day anyway. why rush it. i'll enjoy as many books and as many walks and songs and tv shows as possible
#if i get a loan nd have more money i wanna bleach my hair nd dye my hair green
#and later this year i think i might change my name
#it was the name i wanted to change to from the beginning. but i was in such a bad headspace i just picked eden at random
#i do kinda like it now nd im attached to it but i more feel like this other name actually is me. my birth name nd my current name dont feel
#really right. so maybe. i havent decided yet. like i rlly dont know. im also attached to this name for some other reason. like it's who i am
#to a person i rlly like and if i change... will i be anything to them? i cant put it into words but that makes me hesitate
#but it's unhealthy to stay attached to someone i cant truly have even if i want to. so i mean. idk im just weird abt it
#but i do kinda wanna change my name (to embla. my mom wanted to give me that name but my dad was like nooo >.<) i am not 100% sure tho so
#when i've been getting used to going to school nd working out at the gym. nd after my surgery nd i have more energy
#i will try to face my avpd and try apps for making friends. there r two apps where u can find new girl friends!! maybe i can try that
#also like i've never tried apps but i think maaaaaybe i can use bumble to try to find friends and women to date. potentially. idk.....
#rn it's hard for me to think in those terms bc. i mean i am hung up on someone!!!! i cant evwn imagine dating or being intimate w anyone els
#sometimes i feel like.. they're the only person i've ever felt like it'd even be possible. who i'd event want to do that w
#not only physically but emotionally. so ig it's even harder to let go bc im so scared i will never feel like that w anyone else
#but i rlly need to try to make the most of whatever life i have. the world will collapse soon anyway
#that makes me even more sad that i cant be w who i wanna be w nd do what i wanna do but
#all pain will all be completely descimated eventually. it's not forever bc life isnt forever
#i've just never felt this before. like i want smth to be real so bad but if it happened once surely it can happen again? right?
#i wont spend my life alone without intimacy and love and comfort nd support nd understanding right???? :o hope not
#im still so sad nd exhausted rn. nothing in my life is working nd theres no repreive nd no help
#it gets sooo hard to endure everything sometimes when everything just keeps piling up and gets so heavy it feels like im drowning
#nd atm i dont feel like i have any anchor. nothing that keeps me grounded nd im just floating away nd im constantly being overwhelmed by my
#feelings nd emotions. im like a stupid little kid who dont understand how to handle what im feeling. or make rational decisions
#i feel so ... stupid and useless. i dont know what im doing. i have no idea. i have no compass. its so scary
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