#only blindly numbing myself with distractions helps and avoiding the town he lives in completely

[oscill4te]

tag vent bc grosss (vent about ex tw)

#filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler tag #sooooooooooooooo #snapchat will give you notifications if a contact has a snap account.. and i think my ex just made one #he is 43 and very tech illiterate (for lack of better word) like. hes just not that good with technology #so seeing him on there grosses me out either he is still a p*rn addict & paying for exclusive snaps or he is gr**ming somebody #i feel dysregulated and very grossed out atm. idk what hes doing on there its not my business but beinf reminded of him makes me wanna kms #being with him was the most shameful thing ive ever done in my life and therapy doesnt help nothing helps #only blindly numbing myself with distractions helps and avoiding the town he lives in completely #i feel so ashamed about everything. being with someone like that really changes you as a person and i hate reminders that it was real #my osdd compartmentalizes me so well that i feel so disconnected from something that didnt even end a year ago.. like a dream #like none of it was real yknow i hate reminders that hes real my roommate sees him at their job often #and always avoids mentioning it to me bc they know how it will make me feel #i will never go back btw. sometimes you learn something about someone that makes you feel so sick that going back will never be an option #and that is traumatizing to have had a relationship and feelings for someone who at their core is a disgusting subhuman person #he was also a “john” i think and that makes me feel even more sick... it is so sick he is so sick #i dont know why i tolerated everything i don't know why i was so stupid i was just so desp for a father figure and he knew that #and he had the guise of just wantinf to be my mentor and a friend to me when i had just lost my connection with my family and had nobody #after that relationship i don't fall for anyones tricks anymore. i have very strong bounce now. it just sucks that #i had to endure a year of someone like that to build those skills. i also traded off my ability to trust people or be vulnerable #and my parents funnily know nothing about it. thats what is so funny to me. it makes me wanna cry sometimes #he was very obsessive scary person getting voicemails still terrifies me to this day lol he would spam me with them #looking back its kinda pathetic to he in your 40s wanting to control someone on their 20s every move #i get kindnof homicidal about it sometimes (jjst sayingbif he died the world would be a better place ♡ one less predator)