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dearfuturehusbandblog · 8 months

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My Cousin Finny

Dear Future Husband,

Let's talk weddings.

Going to weddings always makes me think about what I'd like if/when that day comes for me, and I do have some untraditional things I would like to implement if/when the day comes, mostly because some of the ways frummies do weddings today confuses me. But I don't know all sects and traditions, so maybe my ideas have some roots in yiddishkeit too and they're just not done anymore in the circles I frequent, so they just seem untraditional in light of modernity. Who knows.

Some of my ideas come from things that just seem to make sense and some come from wanting to avoid uncomfortable family stuff.

The event would kind of run as follows:

Kabbalas Panim would take place under the Chuppah. There's pretty much a consensus that the Chuppah represents the couple's bayis neeman b'Yisrael - essentially the Torah home they're going to create together. And I like the idea of the wife representing the home and kind of welcoming my guests into my home by sitting under the Chuppah for Kabbalas Panim.

I hate the idea of a schmorg, because of the gluttony and pushing and messiness of the food eaten while standing around... just so much ick. So I'd like to keep mine to light refreshments of cut fruit and veggies, with maybe some cake and cookies. And I don't think I'd want it in the same room as the Kabbalas Panim because I hate how loud it gets volume-wise when people are standing around talking and eating while you're trying to get a bracha from the Kallah. That special moment shouldn't have to be screamed. It's also super weird for people to stand there with plates, shoving food in their mouths while staring at the Kallah. No thank you.

For the Badeken, the Chasson would come dancing out from his Tish to the Chuppah where he would do the veil and the traditional brachos would be given.

And then we'd immediately start the Chuppah proceedings. None of this precessional stuff and having to deal with parents I don't want to deal with or walking down an aisle or separating after the badeken. It makes no sense to me that the Chasson does the veil, which is essentially "checking to make sure it's the right girl" and then disappearing. What is the point of that when you then give ample time to switch out the bride for someone else? (Not that that's done, obviously, and it's all kind of symbolic and allegory, but it's just nonsensical to me.)

While the Kabbalas Panim chairs are removed and the Chasson takes his place at the center of the Chuppah, the Kallah would start the seven circles and the guys selected for the Sheva Brachos would be called out and lined up next to the Chuppah so there's no searching the crowd and waiting for people to hobble down for their bracha in the middle of the ceremony.

I would also like the glass to be smashed during the singing of Im Eshkachech Yerushalayim, because it always rubs me the wrong way when the glass is smashed as a reminder of something so awful and the immediate response is a joyous Mazel Tov! I know people have reasons for it, but it bothers me. So the smashing would happen during the singing and then the Mazel Tovs! would follow the conclusion of Im Eshkachech Yerushalayim, which is something I've seen before, albeit rarely.

I haven't asked a shaila about this one yet, but I would really like to go straight from the Chuppah into the first dance and do the yichud room after. It's all symbolic anyway, so I don't see why it would be an issue to switch those two parts of the evening. Once the first dance has ended, anyone who isn't invited to the sit-down can just leave, and they don't have to stand around waiting for the first dance while everyone else eats their first course or have to come back later for a simchas Chasson V'Kallah. They can just go on with their day/night.

Chasson and Kallah pictures would follow the yichud room, which would follow the first dance. I know family would complain because everyone sweats while they're dancing and nobody wants to take pictures like that after, but there'd be some respite while we're in the yichud room and there are plenty of photos taken during dancing and after weddings anyway that I think people can blot some powder, reapply some lipstick and get over it. It would be my simcha anyway and if the pictures come out bad it would be my fault, so who really cares.

Then we would rejoin everyone for the meal, have a second dance, dessert, and then do Sheva Brachos before thanking everyone for coming and wishing them a good night.

I also love the idea of doing all of this on a Thursday night, and having all the out of town family and friends stay for the weekend so we could all do Shabbos Sheva Brachos together at a hotel or something. It would definitely give us time to actually spend together which doesn't often happen with a Chasson and Kallah at a wedding. Although that would require money I just don't have at the moment, so right now it's a dream more than a reality....

But anyways, that's my dream wedding. A bit untraditional, but I think it's still doable and would be a really time-efficient simcha for everyone involved, so people don't have to drive themselves as crazy as most people do for frum weddings. (And I'm not even a yekke!)

So, these are things I think about often when I attend weddings. And these were even things I thought about this past Sunday at my cousin's wedding, despite that being the first non-Orthodox wedding I've attended since I was like 4 years old.

Since I'm not using real names here, let's call my Cousin Finny, just because I like it as a pun to My Cousin Vinny (in case you didn't get it...). And his "wife" is... let's go with WifeLizzy.

My mom's parents aligned Conservative, which, back in the day, was often run according to more Orthodox/traditional values. At least, the congregations my grandparents chose to align with. So they raised all of their children according to those Conservative/traditional values.

And yet... the only one still Conservative is my AuntSD. One of MotherLivelyHeart's brothers is gay and started off Conservative but kind of slipped to Reform and now seems kind of nondenominational. He's legally married to a lapsed Catholic and they don't really do much religious stuff unless it's for the memes.

And then there's UncleJJ. My mom has always described him as having married into the family he wished he'd been born into. UncleJJ's wife's family doesn't really align with anything. They are Jewish by birth (until this new generation of grandkids, at least...) and kind of leave it at that. I mean, they did the big bar/bat mitzvahs for the party, but that's really where it ends for them. None of the kids in my generation of their family have even remotely Jewish names and the odds of any of them marrying Jewish are slim-to-none based on how they live and who they date.

But AuntSD told me recently that UncleJJ and AuntJJ were on the board of their temple until recently. They've been very involved in their Reform world, despite it literally never coming up. I had no idea they did anything other than send their kids to Sunday school and do the big bar mitzvah parties.

So it was kind of a shock when I found out that their son, CousinFinny, met his now-wife on a Jewish dating app. None of us realized that held any iota of import in his life, because despite us being the religious ones, we never talk religion with them.

At the time they met, WifeLizzy was not yet Jewish. (Technically she still isn't because she converted Reform and has not taken on the 613 mitzvos required to be a kosher convert...) So why she was on a Jewish dating app is kind of sketch to me, but she's a total sweetheart, so I would like to believe her intentions were pure. She was on her own path to Judaism at the time and I've heard she was very upfront about not yet being Jewish when they talked, so it wasn't like she was pulling the wool over anyone's eyes, and instead just kind of seeing what her options were.

I haven't gotten the full story on how long they dated, but I believe it was close to if not a full year before he popped the question.

And after like six months of planning a major shindig for this past Sunday.... they went and got legally married and moved in together. So this wedding was more of a community wedding than the thing to solidify their relationship and allow them to move forward, since they were already cohabitating at that point...

Anywho... Let's talk about this wedding.

First of all, she looked gorgeous. Duh. lol

Second...

The Ceremony.

I wish wish wish wish wish I had recorded the whole thing, but I thought that would be rude, so I only started recording when things got strange. Which was pretty quick. lol

The ceremony was set up on a balcony with a few small trees and potted plants. The chuppah was made of lace and was pretty small, like could fit maybe 4 people total, but I figured it didn't really matter since it would just be the officiant, bride and groom under there. Off to the side and not under the chuppah was a table with a goblet of wine. All by its lonesome.

The balcony overlooked an expansive lawn. This meant that aside from the few seats that were in the shade of the small potted trees, everyone was in direct sunlight. And it was 99° F. And MotherLivelyHeart's family are all a bunch of sweaters, especially the guys. This includes the groom. Yikes.

So anyways, they had a small processional with the bride and groom, their parents and siblings, and a couple of flower girls. All in all it was really short.

When CousinFinny and WifeLizzy were dating, they apparently attended services together at some temple in the city where they were living at the time (neither are originally from there). So the wedding officiant was someone they both knew from that temple, but he's not a rabbi. He was the leader of something musical or the youth groups or something. I wasn't really clear on the description he gave of himself. Suffice to say, this was his first wedding and he was honored to officiate.

He played guitar and sang one song as everyone walked down the aisle and I have absolutely no clue what song it was, but it didn't seem right for a wedding, so I have no idea who chose it. Something about mountains and birds or something. *shrugs*

The procession ended with the bride and at the end of the very short aisle she stopped, handed her flowers to her matron of honor and faced the groom, where they stood and held hands... in front of the chuppah. I was like "ok, that's a choice."

The officiant gave a whole introduction about how this was going to be a unique interpretation of a Jewish wedding because CousinFinny and WifeLizzy had a unique relationship and they would be creating a unique life for themselves in Judaism and community. And how fitting it was that although they were already legally married, they had this community wedding because we are their community and community is important to them. Yadda yadda yadda, family is important, we are all family, they are deeply rooted in their families, la-di-da, lovey stuff about how we're all amazing and so on and so forth....

He then went on to explain that he would go through each of the parts of the wedding to come, for those who were unfamiliar, and he started with a description of the chuppah and how this one, made of lace, represents not only the home they will build together, but that the holes also represent the pitfalls and uncertainties that will come up in their lives aaaaand.... yeah, I don't recall at all how he spun that one into a positive. But he also took that moment to point out that "oh, hey, the bride and groom should actually be under here." And so they laughingly took a few steps over and stood under the chuppah.

But... uhm... even non-Jews often have canopies or arches at weddings and the bride and groom know to stand under them, so it was super weird to me that they didn't go right there and that nobody pointed it out to them until we were almost 5 minutes into the ceremony. Although, that was the same point at which I realized, if they can't even get that part right, what hope do we have for the rest of the event?

I have to take a quick aside and just let you know that I was sitting next to GayUncle for the ceremony. GayUncle who, I should remind you, doesn't do much Jewish stuff unless it's for the lulz but who was raised Conservative and understands traditional Judaism and where I hold as an Orthodox Jew. GayUncle, who has gotten way more flamboyant and become super catty as he's gotten older. GayUncle, who turned to me several times during the ceremony to scoff at what was happening. This was one of those moments. As an aside to the aside, GayUncle's CatholicHusband was nowhere to be found because 'they're already married' so he kind of believed the whole thing was a sham. Yikes. And now we return to our regularly scheduled program.

Next up, the officiant mentioned 7 circles under the chuppah. I was like, 'wow! I didn't realize that was something they were even aware of as significant!' And then he went on to butcher an explanation of what it means and stated that the bride and groom would be circling each other. (The program actually states that "It is customary, before entering the chuppah, for one partner to circle the other seven times." So, before? And not under? Mkay.) I was like 'huh? how is that even physically possible?' He instructed the bride to circle around the groom three times and then the groom to circle around the bride four times. And I was like 'ohhhhh, so not a square dance, then....'

This was the point at which I turned on my audio recorder because I needed to remember this for posterity. And I quote, "...seven circles represents creation, but also the fact that they're going around each other is symbolic because they are putting each other at the center of their lives. And from here on out, they are joined, they are a unit, and each one is the center for the other. And I think it's a symbol of the egalitarian sharing relationship that they want to have, that they each did a circle."

But he didn't just stop there. Oh, no. He then added out loud, "In traditional Judaism, I think it's just the man who goes around the woman." Ummmm.... no? And GayUncle turned and raised his eyebrows at me.

Then, under his breath while still on mic, the officiant added, "Or maybe it's the woman who goes around the man..." Yeah. 50/50 there, my guy. Nailed it.

"But here... gender is not... uh, a barrier like that."

GayUncle: rolled his eyes at me and said "Jewish-lite"

(This was also a point where my brain went "shouldn't you know what you're reforming from if you're going to consider yourself reform?")

Then the officiant called up all the parents to open a talis and hold it over the bride and groom for the "Priestly Benediction." Not as a chuppah, not around their shoulders, just kind of holding it up like a screen and blocking the audience's view of the bride and groom's faces. lol

"And the symbolism here is that there's always a passing from one generation to the next. And so CousinFinny and WifeLizzy's parents are wrapping them in a prayer shawl that a traditional Jew would wear in synagogue while in prayer. In some ways the talit.... the talit has knots in it that represent the commandments in the bible. In some ways it also represents the shelter that their marriage is going to create."

Can someone make that make sense? It's just so disjointed. Like word salad of Jewish stuff and calling it symbolism. It was confusing to me as a Jew who knows stuff. I can't even imagine how bizarre this whole thing was to non-Jews who know nothing.

And then he chanted "Yivarechecha H' viyishmerecha - may you be blessed and kept safe - Yaer H' panav elecha v'kuneka - may the light of creation shine upon you and be gracious to you - Yisa H' penav elecha veyasem lecha shalom - may you always feel the presence of whatever it is that is sacred to you and may you find peace." To which he had everyone respond Amen and then they put the talis away.

So.... in the English there's no mention of God, despite him saying Ado-nai out loud in Hebrew. Mkay.

Then he mentioned how hot it was outside and said, "we're going to try to sing a quick song to make everyone feel part of this action." And he slung his guitar back around and started strumming.

GayUncle: "Kumbaya?"

Me: "lol No, This Little Light Of Mine...."

And it was This Little Light Of Mine.

Yes.

A song not specifically written for church but which has become pretty intertwined with Christian gospel and reference to Jesus.

Was sung at a Jewish wedding.

To make the audience feel involved.

Mkay.

And the officiant "led" this song by calling out the refrains that everyone should sing next which included "All the way to our homes" (which I thought he said 'Har Homs' and I was like 'where is that?' before realizing what he actually said. facepalm moment) and "We are one big family." So... that was a thing.

And then he started the sheva brachos. Yeah.

"The next part of the servi- ceremony is called the seven blessings. And these are traditional blessings that are going to be rendered in both Hebrew - by me - and English - by y'all."

GayUncle: turned and raised his eyebrow at me, "y'all?"

The officiant directed everyone to a page in the program which had the sheva brachos in English.

"So I'm going to read one in Hebrew and you're going to respond in English. Because we're all blessing them all together." I mean, no, but mkay.

He sang the first bracha (hagafen) right, although the glass of wine was still sitting on that table off to the side, untouched....

So, one bracha levatalah down.

And everyone chanted back "Blessed are You, Ado-nai, our God, Ruler of the universe, Who created the fruit of the vine."

Because, yes, the English translation in the program that the entire audience (which was like 40-50% non-Jews) had included the name Ado-nai (no dash) out for all to read and recite, despite none of us having a glass of wine. And why was it important to name God here and not with the "Priestly Benediction" he recited earlier? Absolutely no clue. #inconsistency

And then he sang the second bracha (shekol bara lichvodo) right too.

So that's two brachos levatalah down.

And everyone chanted back, "Blessed are You, Ado-nai, our God, Ruler of the universe, Who has created everything for your glory."

Your glory? I thought it was His glory. But mkay.

And he sang the third bracha (yotzer ha'adam) right too.

So that's three brachos levatalah down.

And everyone chanted back, "Blessed are You, Ado-nai, our God, Ruler of the universe, Shaper of humanity."

Shaper of humanity. I though that was an interesting translation. Not wrong per se, just... interesting.

And he sang the fourth bracha (yotzer ha'adam 2) with a smidge of struggle, but otherwise correctly.

So that's four brachos levatalah down.

And everyone mumbled back, "Blessed are You, Ado-nai, our God, Ruler of the universe, Who has fashioned human beings in Your image, patterning them in Your likeness, preparing them to share in the chain of life. Blessed are You, Ado-nai, Shaper of humanity."

I have found no translation that says anything similar to "preparing them to share in the chain of life," so.... yeah, that was interesting too.

And the fifth bracha (sos tasis) he started off ok and then ended it like he was second guessing himself, "Be-va-neh-... Be-venha."

So that's five brachos levatalah down.

But then everyone chanted back, "May Zion, the heart of our people, rejoice in the in-gather of all its children, and all who join together in loving relationships. Blessed are you, welcoming one, who makes Zion rejoice with her children."

UHHHHMMMMMMM.... NO?

This one sounds like it was written specifically for gay couples. Or maybe for non-Jews who want a Jewish wedding? Instead of H's name in the English part, it's "welcoming one" after adding in "all who join together in loving relationships" both of which are in no way part of the Hebrew that was just recited. Talk about gaslighting anyone who can't read Hebrew. Also just plain BIG YIKES.

And so we approach the sixth bracha (sameach tisamach). The pronunciation was a bit off, but he got through it.

So that's six brachos levatalah down.

And everyone mumbled back, "Grant great joy to these loving companions as You once gladdened Your creations in the Garden of Eden. Blessed are You, Ado-nai, Who gladden the bride and groom."

So, back on track with tradition, I guess. No way to modernize that one, eh?

And the final bracha. The longest bracha. And the bracha he had THE MOST trouble with in terms of pronunciation. I don't know if it was nerves, lack of practice, dyslexia, or all of the above, but he BOTCHED this one. And pre-empted it with, "Whoo, this is a hard one...."

So, that's seven brachos levatalah down. In more ways than one.

And everyone responded, "Blessed are you, Ado-nai, our God, Ruler of the universe, Who created joy and gladness, bride and groom, merriment, song, dance, and delight, love and harmony, peace and companionship. Ado-nai, our God, let there soon be heard in the cities of Judah and Jerusalem the sound of joy and the sound of gladness, the voice of loving partners from the chuppah and from the festive songs of young friends. Blessed are You, joyful One, Who brings loving companions together to rejoice in each other."

I guess they used that ending instead of "the groom rejoicing in his bride" because as we heard previously "here... gender is not... uh, a barrier like that."

So... not an exact translation. But mkay.

It was at this point that the officiant remembered the glass of wine.

Side note: I don't even know if the wine was kosher. If it was and also non-mevushal, huge issues with CousinFinny drinking after WifeLizzy. Not that they'd know or care. It probably wasn't kosher. I mean, the reception wasn't kosher and neither was the wedding breakfast we heard all about, which included crab cakes with real crab and prepared by the bride's non-Jewish family. I know this because they were joking that when they make a bris they could serve the cakes but they'd have to keep out the crab haha. And then the bride's family asked 'what's a bris?' and everyone got real quiet. So... yeah. That's a thing.

So the officiant tells them to please each take a sip, WifeLizzy going first, and while they're drinking he tells the audience that the wine represents the sweetness of life and we always drink wine at a festive event. And after they've each taken a sip, he says "some for me!" and takes a sip himself. He then recites the blessing over it - another hagafen. After which nobody drinks and they put the glass to the side. Mkay.

So we're at eight brachos levatalah now? Or nine, technically if you include the "Priestly Benediction" from earlier... Fun.

"And NOW" he asked the bride and groom to make 'personal statements' to each other. Not vows, just personal statements. Which were also basically vows...

I should point out that throughout this whole thing, WifeLizzy kept wiping sweat from CousinFinny's face because he was drenched as were all the other men in his family, because as I said - they're sweaters. She also spent some time swatting gnats and removing the ones that stuck to his sweaty face. lol

The vows were cute and sweet. The sweat and gnats, not so much. I hope their pictures look ok.

They then did an exchange of rings. (Although the program does state "In Jewish law, a marriage becomes official when the groom gives an object of value to the bride and this is traditionally done with a ring." and states nothing about an exchange or the bride giving anything to the groom...)

CousinFinny repeated after the officiant and said, "Harei at mikudeshet le ey betaba'at zu kedat Moshe v'Yisrael - behold you are consecrated unto me on this day according to the laws of Moses and Israel."

So, kind of botched the "li" part there, but ok.

And then WifeLizzy repeated after the officiant and said, "Harei atah mekudash li betaba'at zu kedat Moshe b'Yisrael - behold you are consecrated unto me on this day according to the laws of Moses and Israel."

I'm not sure why it was "v'Yisrael" for him and "b'Yisrael" for her, but ok.

Also, the whole idea of exchanging rings cancels out the kesuba. Although, I didn't get a photo of the kesuba (which was on display next to the guest book), so I have no idea what it says and whether or not that is kosher either. Assuming of course that a kesuba can be kosher if the bride isn't Jewish....

They then did the breaking of the glass.

"Now we're gonna' break... a glass... which is traditional, symbolizing the fragility of life." Mkay, no.

"And the fall of the temple in Jerusalem." There you go, buddy.

"And as soon as that glass is crunched, they are husband and wife." Well, technically they would have been already, had she actually been Jewish and all the brachos been correct...

And then the officiant led everyone in an acapella 'Siman Tov U'Mazel Tov', completely forgetting (I'm assuming) that he was literally wearing a guitar.

I turned to GayUncle and said, "So, I'd say this wedding was a bit unorthodox, but..." and he cracked up, "Sure! You would, wouldn't you!" (For the record, I tried to tell that same joke to AuntSD like 10 minutes later and she cracked up and was like "Oh! GayUncle told me you said that!" No secrets in this family. lol)

Then everyone filed back inside and lined up at the bar for margaritas while we said hello and goodbye to the bride and groom and misc other family before ducking out as everyone sat down to eat. No clue what it was, but it smelled good.

And that was that!

A three hour drive for.... that.

Suuuuuuper fun experience. I can only hope that we frummies made a kiddush Hashem by being friendly and respectful and keeping shalom in the family by being a part of their "unique" event (despite the event technically being a chillul Hashem... My mom told me that during the ceremony she basically said tehillem and vidui. She joked that she was in a state of "forgive them, Father, they know not what they do." ). Because who knows where their path will lead them in the future. She seems to want to be connected to Judaism and maybe their path will lead them to growth at some point where she realizes that she needs a proper conversion and they learn enough to know to ask sheilos to figure out whether or not they can actually be married in a proper kosher ceremony (him technically being a kohen and her being a convert and all).

I'm always on the lookout at weddings for things I'd like to incorporate into my own. Suffice to say... I don't think I'll be taking anything from this one... Except maybe don't do a ceremony in direct sunlight in the middle of 99° F summer weather. 😅

-LivelyHeart

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Ps. I completely forgot to mention the outfits!!! Omigosh. Do people even know what "wedding attire" means!? My family and I were the only women with sleeves, but the bridal party guys were all in formal tuxedos and all the wedding guest guys were in like casual suits or just button downs with semi-casual pants. But the women!? My god. Someone needs to teach these women how to dress. Some negligees cover more.... It seems like the bride's closest friends got the memo, but all the other guests were so much cringe. And the outfits weren't even like hot or cute, they were just... sad. Frumpy jumpsuits and casual sun dresses that look like they're sized for toddlers. So much yikes in "fashion" these days.

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