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jackburgos · 7 years

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Don't You Love Your Mother?

Mother's Day has come and gone, but motherhood is forever. And forever is a long time. Long enough, surely, to drive some people crazy. Chances are your mother was pretty cool, generally speaking. Not everyone's so lucky. For us, celebrating Mother's Day with a list like this one is just what the counselor ordered. Here are...

The 5 Worst Mothers in Horror Film

#5 – The Babadook

I loved this movie. It creeped me out and made me laugh and annoyed the shit out of me—all of which I can appreciate in a film. The characters made me feel things. Sometimes angry things. There were so many times when I wanted to strangle Samuel—played by the very talented Noah Wiseman.

That having been said, I empathize with Amelia (Essie Davis) a bit. Enough to put her at Number 5 on my list. She loves her kid, and she's trying, but shit is hitting the fan, there's a crazy demon in the house, and people keep stressing her out.

Are we done empathizing? Good. Amelia is emotionally abusive, she's volatile, psychotically depressed, and all of this is deeply concerning to me. I was worried for Samuel long before the Babadook got involved, and that's saying something. Amelia needs to see a professional who's comfortable with her cohabitating with a demon. She obviously needs help, but the demon kinda happened. That wasn't her fault, and I'm not blaming her for it.

I give Amelia four rocking chairs out of ten.

#4 – Friday the 13th

I'm actually going to defend a mom for a second, because this poor woman gets both forgotten and shat upon far too often.

We can say a lot of things about Pamela Voorhees (Betsy Palmer; Nana Visitor), including that she's a crazy knife-wielding killer, but we cannot say that she was a bad mom. Jason was born to Pamela when she was only 16. Mind you, this was in 1946. One imagines she was married in a shotgun wedding to her high school boyfriend, given the class ring that she wears on her left ring finger. The point is that Jason was born with a disability, and Pamela did not stay married.

Pamela was overprotective of Jason, but she wasn't domineering. This is evidenced by the fact that she trusted the other camp counselors at Camp Crystal Lake to do their jobs on the day that Jason drowned. The fact that Jason had the temerity to attempt to swim means that Pamela had done a good job making Jason feel empowered, despite his disability. Ironically, if Pamela had been as overbearing as Vera, Jason might have felt too nervous to approach the lake, and this long series of slasher films never would have happened.

I give Pamela two rocking chairs out of ten. She was a fine mom, but she did kill people.

#3 – Braindead (Dead Alive)

This movie had some amazing lines, amazing gore, and was hilarious through and through. If you like slapstick horror, and you haven't seen this movie...I think you might not exist. I'm so sorry.

There is nothing redeemable about the awful Vera Cosgrove (Elizabeth Moody). Everything goes wrong because of her, but she's the kind of person who would probably blame poor Paquita Maria Sanchez (Diana Peñalver) for the fact that she got herself bitten for being where she did not belong—snooping on her suffering son Lionel (Timothy Balme) during a date. Needless to say, the fact that Vera is Patient Zero is no coincidence. This entire film is about individuating from a domineering parent by cutting your way out of her gargantuan womb with a cross. It's a parable is what I'm saying.

I give Vera six rocking chairs out of ten.

#2 – Scream 2

Debbie Salt (Laurie Metcalf) is an awful woman. An awful, awful woman. She's hardly sympathetic when she's introduced to us as a reporter, and she does not become more so.

Debbie's failure as a mother falls largely in the category of neglect. When she learns that her husband has been cheating on her with Sydney Prescott's (Neve Campbell) mother, she leaves him, abandoning her son. Her neglect is a major contributing factor in Billy Loomis's psychosocial development, which leads him to don a ghost mask and start killing people.

Of course it's only after Billy has gotten himself justifiably killed during his murder spree that Debbie returns to town to avenge him. It's too little too late. It doesn't matter how many copycat murders you commit, you're never going to make up for those lost years. Debbie's failure as a mother was minor compared to what she did to make up for it, but neglect is still child abuse.

Debbie gets eight out of ten rocking chairs.

#1 – Carrie

This woman takes the cake. Of all of these mothers, she is the one I would want the least. The manipulative, insidious way in which Margaret White (Piper Laurie; Julianne Moore) commits to covert incest is jaw-dropping.

The religious nature of the abuse makes it especially bad. Margaret uses the Bible to make Carrie feel disgusting, even monstrous, for becoming a woman. Anyone who makes a girl feel bad about her period deserves to experience some excruciatingly gory punishment in a specially brutal ring of hell. A mother who does that deserves a punishment that's slightly worse. Mostly because, as a mother, you know what that's for. You shouldn't shame people about it.

Margaret eventually becomes so zealous in her religious fervor that she decides to save her daughter's soul by killing her. Being forced to become estranged from an abusive parent is bad enough. Being forced to kill your own parent in self-defense? I can't imagine how awful it must have been for Carrie to have been raised in a situation like that. I'm not sure I want to imagine it, to be entirely honest.

Margaret gets ten rocking chairs out of ten rocking chairs. Mama Bates would be proud.

#mother #mother's day #scream #psycho #carrie #friday the 13th #jason #dead alive #braindead #babadook

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red-river-rocknroll-request-line · 5 years

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Braindead: A Fan’s Dissection

When I first saw this film a good number of years ago I was left dumbfounded. How could anything possibly be this good?? How could humanity top this film?? I wore it like a badge of honor: “I saw Braindead. You know it’s been rated as the goriest film of all time.” And all my friends in school were like “yeah, whatever.” I would come home from school, grab myself a Dr. Pepper, and sit down and watch it again. This obsession lasted for weeks—maybe months. It’s been so long I can’t really remember.

Point is: I adored this film the first time I saw it and I adore it even more now. This film is everything. It is—dare I say—Perfect.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Braindead (or Dead Alive), I urge you to find it and watch it immediately before continuing to read my break down of it. I’m going to spoil a lot of it in this review.

Is this a review? It’s really just me gushing about it. It’s off-the-rails, hilarious, super gory, and a total blast. However, I hope you have a strong stomach, cos it’s really disgusting too.

Anyway, let’s take off, shall we?

Let’s start with our main character: Lionel Cosgrove. He’s played by actor Timothy Balme in his first ever role. Lionel is a rather well-off young man who lives with his mother, Vera (Elizabeth Moody). He’s an awkward and shy boy; the first glimpse we get of him is him fumbling with a fruit display in a shop. Very soon after this, he spills a box of black licorice and pens all over the counter. Then very soon after that, he backs into a streetcar, nearly getting run over.

He’s super emotive/expressive and the perfect protagonist for this movie.

Now that I’m thinking about it, Braindead is really a coming-of-age film for Lionel.

Let’s dive a little bit into his backstory. He has a memory of nearly drowning at the beach and his father diving in to save him. Then, before his father could get out of the water, a “freak wave” comes along and pulls him out to sea, causing him to drown. Lionel is haunted by this memory, and very clearly feels partially responsible for his father’s death. His mother uses this guilt to get him to bend to her every whim.

Lionel’s mother, Vera, is extremely manipulative. The first scene with her she’s waving a carving knife around. In many ways she is like Margaret White from “Carrie.” Overbearing, mildly threatening, etc. She keeps Lionel at her beck and call.

At the end of the film, when Lionel finds out the truth about what really happened to his father, he stands up and confronts his mother. For probably the first time in his entire life, he stands up to her! Good for you, Lionel! See? That’s why it’s a coming-of-age film!

I want to switch over now to Paquita, who is played by Diana Peñalver. Paquita is actually the first of the main cast we’re introduced to in the film. She works in a small corner store with her family—we only ever see her father and grandmother, but Lionel mentions at one point in the film that she has a brother. Paquita is a young woman determined to find the love of her life. She is very outgoing and independent. She kicks ass in this movie.

One of the great things about Paquita is that she has a strong will. I feel like the stereotypical way her character could’ve been written (love interest) would be for her to be the damsel in distress. However, since our main character Lionel is such an awkward guy who doesn’t really act without reason, we need someone to prompt him to action. This is fulfilled mostly by Paquita throughout the film.

There’s a scene I like where Paquita comes over to Lionel’s house to return his jacket. Lionel, nervous as heck because “Mum” is just down the hall, tries to tell her that he can’t see her anymore. Brokenhearted, Paquita offers him a red rose before turning away. I like how the stereotypical roles are reversed here: she sneaks up to his window and she gives him a flower. It’s refreshing. It also shows how much of a go-getter Paquita is.

I guess I should back up a bit and clarify why Paquita is so interested in a punching bag like Lionel. Paquita’s grandmother does a tarot spread to see who the man of Paquita’s future is. Initially Paquita is disappointed that it’s not the delivery man that she’s been flirting with. However, after her grandmother reads that Paquita will have one romance that will last forever, Paquita becomes interested again. Her grandmother says she will recognize the man of her future by the “Symbol of the Star.” Soon after, Lionel comes through the door, spills the licorice and pens which fall into the shape of the star. After seeing this, Paquita starts pursuing Lionel, believing he is the man of her future.

Let’s get back on track with why Paquita is so cool.

When the movies kicks itself into 12th gear and the bloodbath starts, Lionel and Paquita get separated and Paquita has to defend herself. She hides in a pantry with a large knife and when tapped on the shoulder, she wildly stabs at whoever did it. Finding out it’s one of the partygoers, Paquita immediately tries to comfort and protect her.

I just think it’s great that there’s a good chunk of the movie where Paquita and a character named Rita are by themselves, barricading themselves in the kitchen and taking care of each other. Well, it’s mostly Paquita taking care of Rita, but still. It’s just two girls kicking ass together. Then later they tear Void’s legs in half and start batting away zombies with the legs. THEN later still when Lionel is in the lobby during the famous lawnmower scene, Paquita takes the body parts that come flying her way and grinds them up in a food processor. She kicks ass! She doesn’t need prompting, she doesn’t need saving… she’s a girl who knows what she wants and knows how to handle herself.

Also I love it when she spits in Uncle Les’ face when she rips his spine off and then smashes his head on the counter. Nice!

Speaking of smashing heads, I want to talk about how people are seemingly made of jell-o in this movie. Especially when people become zombies. Limbs can get ripped off easily, two heads colliding can make one explode, a whole body falling off a banister can cause it to explode in blood and guts when it hits the floor. It’s outstanding. And so cartoonish!

This whole movie is basically a really gory, really violent cartoon. The huge glass bottles labeled “Tranquilizer” and “Poison” with a skull and cross bones but uh-oh! It was actually Animal Stimulant! Ooooops! Lionel’s facial expressions throughout the whole movie, all the physical comedy… even the meat grinder in the kitchen is labeled ACME. Everything in this movie is about 30 miles over the top. It’s a love story, a coming of age story, a splatterfest, and a comedy all rolled into one.

I could keep going on and on about how this move is the holy grail of horror/splatter comedies, but I think I’ve gushed enough for now. And really, if you still haven’t seen it (I know it’s kind of difficult to get a hold of) after reading this review or whatever this is, you’re missing out. It’s so disgusting and fun! On top of that, it’s got a sweet little love story in it. ♥

Thanks for reading! Stay gory, stay fun!

EXCELLENT MOMENTS

- Gluing Vera’s cheek back on. I just love how she says: “Oh.” So benign. The scene of Lionel gluing her cheek back on her face looks so painful and it’s just like what?? That’s the best solution you had? Absolute gold.

- “Damn fine custard!” Euugh oh my god. The scene of Mr. Matheson taking a heaping spoonful of custard contaminated with Vera’s bloody puss into his mouth is scarring. In that scene, we, the audience, ARE Nora Matheson. Her eyes bulge and she covers her mouth to stifle a gag. Then she looks over in horror as Vera eats her own ear with a spoonful of custard. Poor Nora has to leave the room before she vomits. Some of the audience might want to vomit as well.

- Lionel coming down to the basement wearing like hockey goalie armor or whatever that is as well as a helmet, goggles, rubber boots, and gloves in hopes of protecting himself from “Mum” and Nurse McTavish. Of course Lionel falls all over the place and most of his armor comes off while fighting against the two zombies, but he lives somehow.

- Continuing with Lionel, I love love love all the scenes where he’s all unshaven and greasy as he tries to figure out what to do with the zombies in his basement. I love in the graveyard when he tranquilizes Void and just sits down with his head in his hands like “Ah Jesus, could this get any worse?” Like, he’s too stupid (or soft I guess) to just hack the zombies to pieces and be done with it. If he were to do that, this whole mess could’ve been avoided.

- “I kick ass for the LORD!” This was the scene that I saw on youtube and then immediately decided that I needed this movie in my life. It’s so out of the blue, it’s so silly. The benign and somewhat irritable priest at Vera’s funeral is SO READY for the rapture or whatever that when he sees zombies in the graveyard he jumps down on them and kicks the shit out of them (before tragically getting bit in the neck by the zombie’s head that he had kicked up in the air and then running and drop-kicking so hard that he goes flying and gets speared by a grave marker statue). Bless you, Father McGruder.

- Uncle Les’ murder spree. Honestly, as shitty of a guy Uncle Les is, he really knows how to handle himself in a zombie outbreak. He’s a sadistic wack-job for sure, but if it wasn’t for him, Paquita and Lionel would probably have twice the amount of zombies to contend with. Uncle Les hacks up dozens of them in the kitchen and then lights himself a cigarette.

- Lionel dangling upside-down in the lobby. There’s so much chaos going on in the house, and I love that it gets tied together in a sense when Lionel falls from the attic but is caught by some electrical wiring which, over in the kitchen, yanks Mandy and her lit-up head back into the wall. I love Lionel dangling uselessly in the lobby for a small portion of the movie. Paquita runs up to him and kisses his cheek, Void’s intestines in the attic try to pull him back into the ceiling, Uncle Les shoves him out of the way causing him to start swinging around… I love the chaos of it. I love it. I can’t get enough.

- “Party’s over.” Of course. The bloodbath. The holy grail of bloodbaths. Lionel throws the doors open holding a lawnmower in front of him. He revs it up and starts plowing through the zombies in the lobby. The scene is set to a waltz number as Lionel grinds bodies seemingly made of jell-o to a bloody mess. Limbs and blood and guts are flying everywhere. It’s amazing. I also love the scene where Lionel flips the portrait of the Queen around before he let’s out a battle cry and continues to puree the zombies.

Feel free to add your favorite moments too!

#braindead #dead alive #movie reviews #timothy balme #diana penalver #elizabeth moody #lionel cosgrove #paquita maria sanchez #gore #blood #horror #cult film #peter jackson

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