#probs the last time I’ll ever step into a college dorm again tbh

[milo-is-rambling]

Day whatever it is recap!

#📸 #I think it’s day five maybe #also I’m at my brothers school for the last time ever :/ #probs the last time I’ll ever step into a college dorm again tbh #and I got one last shower in the dorm bathroom which is always good bc if I’m seeing my brother chances are I’ve at very least spent three #hours in a car to get to him #so a shower is nice especially bc I was like panic attack sweaty. tmi? maybe. #I didn’t really do a lot today #at least not postable stuff #a lot of hanging out with family and Millie and being tired and kind of miserable but also daydreaming about any other shit in my life #idk. it all feels weird rn. all of it. and my brain is nagging me saying you’re being/doing x y z for attention even when I’m not telling #anyone shit im doing or thinking or anything and my brain is still like nah. you’re jealous of your brother graduating and not being home #at the end of dads life and at the same time you feel stressed and guilty and feel bad about him not getting closure #but at the same time you just wish you didn’t see his fucking body on the ventilator and all the IVs and the bloat and the popped blood #vessels and the nurses and doctors and knowing they did cpr so much if he even survived he would be miserable and have broken ribs #fuck. I want to be home and alone and crying about this all by myself alone. I hate this I hate this I hate this I want to go smoke a cig #but this is a no smoking campus ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh I am miserable and this is supposed to be this big fun #thing for my brother and I feel selfish and stupid for having feelings and letting myself get upset about my dad but my fucking mother #made some sign to put in an empty chair for my dad and she brought his jacket he wore all the time and I started crying when I saw and then #immediately after we had to go see his parents and my grandfather is falling apart and reminds me of my dad in the hospital and I’m just so #miserable and between horrible thoughts and self harm and everything I’m keeping to myself I am just thinking about how this is so bitter #sweet for my brother like he’s graduating with his friends and then moving away from them all to a place where it’s just all about dad being #dead and he doesn’t like Florida really and he’s gotta start his grown up life (technically he has two more classes online and he’s getting #a blank diploma tomorrow but yeah. things are rough and my body hurts and stress is so bad for me and my chronic pain and I feel like I went #from the most relaxed and comfortable and happy I’ve been in a year to feeling like hell on earth and I feel like I’m bringing down every #one else’s mood but like hello why are we pretending any of this normal thid can’t be real this can’t be real this can’t be real I don’t #want this to be reak I want it to be fake it has to be fake please please please wake up tomorrow and have it be a year ago please #I miss my father and I hate myself and violent thoughts are taking over my mind and I hate it all but things were so good literally up until #I saw my mom and grandparents #my brother was so nice when it was just us too (and later I just mean before mom got here specifically he was still nice to me)