#recently at my older sister's wedding someone who knew my mom was speaking to us.

[flowermist7432]

Today is Mother's day and i'm not sure how to feel about it. Ever since i learned the news of my mom dying last year ive been struggling to understand how to cope with that- I really wish I knew the exact day she passed away. Which is weird right? But i dunno, i feel like having some day to mourn would help. I just remember being on the laptop playing a game and my grandma coming in to tell us the news. I remember the exact place my character was standing in the game when we were told. and I have so many unanswered questions that I can never get closure for. On top of that, learning from my older sister what happened in her life and how it led up to her death; fills me with so many mixed feelings. Angry? offended? sad? confused? I really dont know. I miss you mom

#recently at my older sister's wedding someone who knew my mom was speaking to us. #and she was SUPER drunk and was like 'oh i didnt know lisa had two sons!' since i was introduced as y'know. a boy. #and that made me so sad and awkward. for obvious reasons but also because it hit me that she'll never really know that either. #i have a lot of regrets. i wish i knew her better. i wish she wasnt treated so horribly. #growing up being screamed at that id 'end up like her' if i didnt get my act together. it was unfair for both of us. #im sorry they did that to you. im sorry that stupid fucking man pulled you back down just as you were getting better #you werent perfect and you did fucked up things. im mad at you. but you didnt deserve to die for it. #vent #vent post #death mention tw

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #445

“you’ve got a lot of nerve, but not a lot of spine”

Have you ever created a fake internet persona for yourself? No. Do you enjoy going to weddings or showers? What is it that you like or dislike about them? Not... really. They're triggering for me. And I don't use "trigger" lightly. They legitimately, deeply affect me. It's part of the reason I've lost a lot of interest in being a wedding photographer. Is there a person in your life whom you support by showing up for the sports games, concerts, or other performances? This question, uh... sucks. Because I'm that awful aunt that doesn't go to her nephew's t-ball games while everyone else does. It's the heat that does it, but still... it shouldn't. How many video games do you have? A lot. We have a big case of them. Why did you take the last pill you took? My heartburn is especially awful today. Has a girl ever stayed up with you all night? A guy? A girl, uhhh... maybe? Idk. A guy, yeah. Do you think guys look good with makeup? Hell yeah. How long would you wait to become sexually active with someone you’re dating? That would just depend on how quickly we deeply bond in a relationship. I wouldn't go that far before I knew I was in love with them, though, so it definitely wouldn't be quick. Do you enjoy a good debate or prefer keeping the peace? klasd;jkla;jfklwdj I HATE confrontation, so I strongly prefer to keep that peace. Debates rarely ever stay civil, anyway. Can you ever see yourself and your ex back together? One, easily. The other... I wish. But it won't ever happen because I fucked that relationship up way too much. Are you thinking about anything that’s upsetting right now? Yeah. My PTSD is being really bothersome. Would you ever want to ride in a canoe? Yeah, sounds fun and peaceful. So long as I'm not rowing, ha ha. When did you last see an attractive member of your preferred sex? Did you speak to them? Do you think you’ll see them again? Two days ago. Yeah, 'cuz he was my personal trainer. I don't plan on quitting the gym, so I'll probably see him around there now and again. Have you ever tasted baby food? How about pet food? Save for when I was a baby, obviously, no. I once tried a guinea pig yogurt treat, ha ha. How many times have you had your heart broken? Once romantically, twice overall. Actually, no, four. Quite a jump, I know, but Teddy and Jason's mom both dying was nothing short of heartbreaking. Think of the person you fell hardest for. How many people has he/she been in love with, besides you? One, before me. I don't know about since. Find 5 people on your Facebook friends list, whose names begin with K. Who are these people, and how did you meet them? Katherine: an online friend. We met on YouTube. Kim: she's my stepmom. I met her through my dad, obviously. Kelly: a high school friend. We met in art class. Katelynn: was Jason's old friend's former girlfriend. We met through said friend when we all hung out together. Kieley: she's the wife of who I call my "big bro," a close gaming friend. We met through Sam, the aforementioned friend. Sometimes do you wish you lived in a fantasy world? Yeah, who doesn't? What would you say if the ex who hurt you the most told you they hated you? "I don't blame you" or something to that effect. Have any of your friends dated an ex/previous crush of yours? I don't think it's accurate to call her my "friend," but Jason's first girlfriend and I are friends on Facebook. I'd love to get to know her better and actually be *real* friends. One word to describe the last person you kissed? Strong. Has anyone ever cheated on their boyfriend/girlfriend with you? You could say that. Does your hair have layers? No, not anymore. Who was the last person you cried in front of? My mom. Have you done something recently that helped someone else, in any way? I don't know. Which Disney princess do you think is the most beautiful? Why? Probably Jasmine. I just think she's really pretty. If you’ve had a bad experience in a past relationship, did you find that you were scared to get into another relationship, in case the same thing happened again? I'm terrified to this day to start new romantic relationships. I had so many panic attacks about losing Sara when we first started dating. If you were going to buy a present for the person you love/like, what would you generally choose? Absolutely something Frieza-related. If you met the celebrity that you most admire, what would be the first thing you’d say to him/her? Probably just "oh my god, thank you" and start crying lmao. Is there something you generally always ask for help with? I'm sure there's something, yeah. When was the last time you cried? Today. Do you like sausage? Yep. Ever held a newborn animal? Kittens, yes. Do you know anyone with a dual citizenship? Uhhhh maybe? Have you been called a bad influence? Yeah. Like she had ANY room to talk. Do you get stage fright? Yes. Would you be excited or annoyed if your favorite book was being made into a movie? Both of my favorite books are also movies, and they're wonderful. Do you need structure in your life or do you prefer to just go with the flow? I require structure, for sure. Without it, my anxiety goes rampant. Change is something I do not cope with well. Post a picture of you from one year ago. No. Have you ever written a fan letter? If so, who was it to and did you receive a response? No. What trait(s) would you not want your children to inherit from you? My mental illnesses, primarily depression. I have A LOT of reasons for not wanting kids, and my poor genetic makeup is even one of them. I don't want to pass on all the shit I deal with. What is the worst place you’ve woken up? Waking up in a shitty bed at the ER while waiting to be transferred was never one of my favorite things... Are you the type of person who has to study to make good grades or does it just come naturally to you? Aha... I was lucky in that once I heard something in school, it had a tendency to stick. I didn't need to study very much at all - usually. When on YouTube, what types of videos do you mainly watch? Mostly let's plays. What was the last conversation you had with someone about? Sara and I were kinda fangirling over how cute Maieykio and Rumours are, ha ha. Do you have any currency that’s not your native country’s? No. Can you describe your father in one word? Complex. Do you still watch movies intended for children? Yeah. Hell, I probably tend to prefer them. Who is your favorite stand-up comedian? That's living, probably Gabriel Iglesias. What is your strangest phobia? Probably whale sharks. Which part of your state/province do you live in [upper,lower,middle]? I live on the eastern side. Who in your life can you count on the most? My mama. Would you rather eat your pizza cold or hot? It depends on what I'm up for. Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? No, I'm not a fan. Last thing you drank? Pink lemonade. Have you ever thought you were going to marry someone? Sure did. The belief was clearly mutual. But I ruined that. Who are your favorite people to talk to when you’re down? Sara or my mom. Have you ever thought you liked someone, and then found out that you really didn’t? See: Girt. Describe the last dream you had that you can remember. It was actually... really fucked up, so the squeamish beware. I don't remember the details, just the shocking part: a little bird flew into me, and I thought it was a bug, so I crushed it in my hand. Heard and felt the bones break and it was just... ugh. It's nauseating to recall. I'm sick and tired of dreaming of only awful things. Any current family issues? Not any big ones that include everyone. The only "issue" that really exists in my family is how my mom feels like Ashley (my older sister) avoids her, and therefore Mom doesn't see the kids nearly as much as she wants. She feels very overlooked. Whose room of the opposite sex were you in last? When? Uhhh, probably my nephew's? Sometime when I visited my sister's house, idk. The last movie you watched with a friend? Elf, I think. Have you ever played with fire? Uh no, because I'm not keen on being burned. What industry do you want to be a part of when you’re older? Art, in some form. Who do you usually text the most? Since Sara and I started chatting mainly on Discord, definitely my mom. Have you ever been surprised with breakfast in bed? No. Llamas or sheep? Sheep. Have you ever seen anyone famous in the street? No. When do you plan on moving out? Whenever I'm in a long-term, stable, happy, and healthy relationship. I really don't at all think it would be healthy for me to live on my own. What’re you going to be for Halloween? I'd actually love to dress up this year seeing as I've really been feeling the holidays, but the money to like... make a recognizable costume isn't really with us. So I'll ust answer as if I had it, in which case it would be a handmaid from The Handmaid's Tale, but with fake blood splattered over my stomach region. Will you buy a cake for your next birthday? We always do for b-days. Do you like brownies? BITCH I love brownies. Have you ever dressed up as a witch on Halloween? Yeah, as a kiddo. Have you ever been to a masquerade? No. Do any girls like the last guy you kissed? Maybe, I don't know. Do you have a second mom? I have a stepmom, if that's what you mean. When a bee is coming close to you, do you stand still or run away? Ngl, I gtfo. Do you ever hang out with someone of the opposite sex? I haven't hung out with Girt in around a year. Really need to change that. When you go out to eat, what sides do your order with your food? Fries. What is your winter coat like? ... I actually don't know if I have one? Did you do well at fitness testing in grade school? I did fine. Are art museums interesting or boring to you? Interesting. Inspiring, even. Do you know how to use an ATM? ... No. :x How about write a check? uhhhhhhhhhhh... Are you Italian? Not to my knowledge, no. We don't know my dad's heritage. When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings? I commented on one of my sister's Facebook posts earlier. Are you interested in photography at all? Very much so. Do you own an acoustic guitar? I don't believe so? Ashley had one when she was waaaay younger, but I haven't seen it in forever. I think Dad might have it. Can you talk to your parents about anything without them judging or bickering at you? Because you said "bickering," no. Mom knows how to pick fights on a lot of things... Who was the last person you took pictures with? My sister when she came to visit a few months ago. What is the wallpaper on your best friend's cell phone? I'd be willing to bet it's either her and Jem or Frieza. Do you melt butter to put on your popcorn? No. We get the movie theater butter kind. Do you consider flirting cheating? Sure do. Have you ever been on probation? No. What is normally on your Christmas list (if you celebrate it)? A tattoo and meerkat stuff. Do you like KoRn? They're one of my favorites! When you were little, did you pick up worms? Do you pick worms up now? Ha, I did. I would sometimes dig just to look for them, especially if I knew Dad was going to take me fishing later that day. I don't like touching worms nowadays. Would you ever go see a stand-up comedian? Yeah, I think it would be fun. Do you have any best friends that you only know online? BEST friends, not current ones, anyway. I've met my current best friend. Have you ever gotten into a physical fight? Nope. Do you have a problem with swearing? No. What do you do when you see a spider? My reactions vary. If it's a tiny little thing, I tend to ignore it. In most cases, admittedly, I get my mom to come kill it. :x I really, really want to get on a level where I can just cup the spider and take it outside. I want a few types of spiders one day (tarantulas, jumping, and velvet), after all, so I really should get used to interacting with them. I know in my gut they're nowhere near as dangerous and scary as your head makes them seem, but it's so instilled in you (most "you"s, anyway) from a young age to stay away from spiders, so it's fighting almost like instinct. Do you have big dreams? Meh... When is your father’s birthday? Sometime in April. The 16th, I think? Maybe. Are you interested in anime? Yeah. They can have some great stories. Do you eat three meals a day? Most days. Are you part German? German and Irish make up most of my heritage, yes. Do you dream of being a porn star? Uh, I can confidently say no. Have you ever been on a farm? I have. What is your favorite type of muffin? Blueberry, I think. I like the moisture it adds to the muffin. What is the last type of salad that you ate? Just your normal one with iceberg lettuce and ranch. What do you usually put on your waffles? A layer of peanut butter and then some syrup. You NEED to try it. Would you rather have a cottage on the beach or in a forest? A forest! Name all the people that you talked to today. Online, through texts and in person. Mom and Misty are all, I think. Do you know a schizophrenic person? My half-sister. Did you ever watch Sailor Moon? If so, who is your favorite? I did. I don't think I had a favorite character. Name the last 3 people you kissed and list one nice thing about each one. Sara: she's very loyal. Girt: he's funny as hell. Tyler: he, uh, cares a lot, I guess? When was the last time you felt EXTREMELY depressed? Why is that? Yesterday, actually. I was passively suicidal just over... a lot of things. Would you ever dye your hair pink? I want pastel pink hair anyway.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''true friends'' by bring me the horizon

[purplesurveys]

1034

survey by tater-tots What is a fruit that you might eat in the morning? Hahahaha. That’s a pass for me; I can’t imagine regularly eating fruit at any set time of the day.

Do you enjoy any food combinations that others might consider to be weird? I like to eat fish with mayonnaise, which was always normal in our household but I realized was weird when I first saw the horrified expressions on my friends’ faces when they saw me use the combination. I like mayonnaise with a lot of other foods as well, which a lot of people generally find weird.

What is a green vegetable that you enjoy eating? Broccoli and asparagus.

Name something you might find in a salad. In my salad, you’ll always find tuna sashimi in it heh.

What is your favorite type of sandwich? Anything that’s like an Eggs Benedict or Monte Cristo. 

Which condiment do you use the most often? Mayo, for sure. Banana ketchup too. I also like sriracha sauce but my dad hasn’t been buying a new bottle of it for a while. 

Name a chocolate bar that you enjoy eating. It’s called Whittaker’s - just not sure what country it hails from; maybe Australia? - and I like their peanut butter variant. Google also told me it’s a New Zealander brand.

What is a meat that you do not eat - ever. Dog or cat.

Are you lactose intolerant, or have any other sort of food allergies? I’m mildly lactose intolerant but I ignore it because a lot of my favorite foods use dairy. Other than that, no food allergies.

What was the last food that you burnt your mouth on? Just plain rice, haha. I had been extremely hungry and I just wanted to dig in; but I ended up spitting it back out.

Which brand of soup do you eat? I don’t regularly have soup, much less buy canned brands of it. 

What are some flavors of ice cream that your enjoy? Cookies and cream, mint chocolate, coffee, chocolate chip cookie dough, queso real.

What is the best type of cookie, in your opinion? I like keeping things classic when it comes to cookies, and I’ve always been perfectly happy with chocolate chip cookies :)

Would you rather have popcorn, pretzels, or chips as your salty snack? Chips. I dislike the other two as I only like the softer, doughy version of pretzels.

Have you thought about going on a diet & actually went through with it? No.

--

survey by pinkchocolate

When you woke up today, was there anything on your mind? Kinda. I felt sad and I was aware of it instantly, compared to most days where the sadness will take a while to build.

Who was the last person you interacted with for the first time? Literally speaking, maybe the barista at Starbucks who took my temperature at the entrance before I was let in the store. I interacted with her yesterday.

What colour was the wrapper of the last snack you ate? White. It’s more of a tiny bag than a wrapper, though.

Do you have a favourite mug to drink from? What does it look like? Yeah, I’ve since claimed my mom’s mug for myself. It’s a copper mug with the Starbucks label on it. It looks super minimalist which I appreciate.

What was the last thing you used, that came in a spray can? It was a Lysol spray.

What colour is your favourite bra? Don’t really have one.

Who was the last person you went to for advice about something? I think it was Andi. I’ve been going to them a lot for help, advice, extra sanity, etc. lately. If it hasn’t been for them I probably would’ve left a few months back.

Have you had a deep conversation with anyone lately? Yes. I finally met up with Gab yesterday to discuss a lot things, iron some stuff out, figure out where to go from here.

What was the last compliment you recall receiving from someone? I’m not sure, I haven’t been receiving any.

And the last compliment you gave to someone else? It was most likely a compliment for Andi on how helpful they’ve been to me.

What kind of bread did you eat most recently? Flatbread.

What was the last sound you heard, that you found pleasant? We were watching a mass livestream earlier and I was delighted when they played the closing song.

How many books do you think there are in your house? Take a rough guess. I would guess around 60, the overwhelming bulk of them mine.

Of all the books you own, which do you think has the most pages in it? It would definitely either be Gone with the Wind or Les Miserables, but I’m not sure which one is thicker.

^ And how many pages is that? I checked both of my copies and they’re soooo close – GWTW has 1,440 pages while Les Mis has 1,463.

What was the last film you saw at the cinema? What did you think of it? Knives Out. I went to the mall yesterday and the cinemas were still closed, so it’s not like I’d be able to watch new movies at theatres anyway. Anyway, I’ve been vocal about the movie enough times on my surveys but I didn’t enjoy it. Whodunnits were never my cup of tea, but Gab had wanted to see it and I didn’t want to make her watch the film alone.

In the last book you read, what was the main character's name? Haven’t been reading.

What was the last song you heard, that meant something to you? Lose by Niki.

How many people do you know whose name begins with Z? I can only recall one such person at the moment; it’s one of my mom’s aunts who also doubled as a principal sponsor for my mom and dad’s wedding.

What do you expect to be doing at this time tomorrow? Maybe doing my embroidery (my package finally arrived!!) or surveys or watching Start-Up, because tomorrow will be a holiday :)

--

survey by luckforlemmy

Did you start listening to more Michael Jackson after his death? I can remember that there was definitely a brief period after his death that I caught up with his discography and listened to MJ nearly everyday; I read up on him and his life as well. 11 year old me figured he must’ve been an interesting figure because of the big reception around his death, so I wanted to know the reasons behind it.

When was the last time that you played hide and seek? I can vividly remember the day when Nina and I played hide and seek when the house was newly-built and still devoid of furniture, back in maybe ‘07 or ‘08. I’m fairly certain that was the last time I played hide and seek.

Who was your first celebrity crush, if you can remember? It was a tie between Ashley Tisdale and Zac Efron, though the older I get the more I’ve been convinced that I ‘crushed’ on Zac only because I was surrounded by girls who went crazy over him in school. I’m pretty sure my first real celebrity crush was Ashley, hahaha.

Do you worry about money? Yeah, especially now. I can’t even enjoy my first paycheck because most of it’s gonna go to Christmas presents, but oh well; at least I can finally buy gifts for my loved ones who’ve always gotten me presents.

Have you ever had to beg for a second chance? Kind of, when I was trying to convince Gab to let our relationship have another shot four years ago. Beg is a strong word for what I actually did, though. It was more of me pitching the idea, not begging.

When was the last time that you sent an actual letter through the mail? I don’t think I even ever did that, not even when I was younger and snail mail was still kind of a thing.

Are you excited to return to school? There’s nothing to return to anymore. Unless I decided to take up a post-grad course in the future, I’m done with school.

Do you hate Internet abbreviations? It can just feel a bit jarring when they’re used excessively in a single sentence, but I honestly don’t mind it for the most part. It’s understandable especially now that most, if not all, of my interactions whether personal or for work happen online.

What was the last insult you gave out? I was never really the roasting type of person, not even towards my friends.

What'd you last look up on YouTube? Hahaha I looked up ‘skynwallz.’ I was looking for the episode of Rhett and Link’s vlogs where they painted the rooms of their offices in the color of their entire person – hair, eyes, and skin. They were joking about starting a new business for it called Skynwallz, so that’s what I looked up.

Are you texting someone really awesome right now? No, I prefer to be alone today.

Do you know when to be serious and when you shouldn't be? Er sure, it’s not that hard.

Do you think that you're funny? I like my sense of humor, yeah, but I know it’s not always going to translate to everybody’s tastes. For example, I’m still figuring out the dynamic in the team I was put in at work, so I can’t make the same jokes that I would normally say with my co-interns with whom I have a more comfortable relationship.

Have you ever sent a secret to Post Secret? I don’t know what this is, so no.

What movie do you really want to see in theatres right now? They aren’t showing anything at the moment. A movie I want to see badly, though, is Ammonite.

Have either of your parents shown affection for you today? My mom made breakfast for us, if it counts. She also gives each of her kids a kiss during the peace-giving portion at mass, so there’s that as well.

What's the last thing that you sang out loud? I watched Start Up before this survey and was humming to the song that was being played at the end of the episode. I couldn’t sing along to it because it was in Korean, but I knew the melody so I hummed.

Is there a word that you always misspell? Rhythm is one of my worst enemies for sure. I also have a love-hate relationship with accommodate.

What was the last thing that you bought that someone else benefited from? I met up with Gabie yesterday and bought her her favorite meal from Yabu to break the ice – menchi katsu with brown rice. I originally got mozzarella sticks for myself but when we got to talking, she mentioned her sisters at one point; I remembered how much I miss them, so I gave up my food and told her to just give my food to her sisters since I hadn’t touched it yet anyway.

Has someone ever made you a really great mix CD? Andi gave me one before she made the flight to New Zealand 10 years ago to permanently live there. I believe I still have it, but I’m just not sure where it currently is.

Have you ever been on Omegle.com? Yes, when I was a teenager and it was new.

Did you talk to someone cool there? Not really; most seem to exit our chat after we did the whole asl thing. I also avoided the webcam option because my anxiety for video calls has always been present.

What song reminds you of your best friend? Any song by The Maine.

Who was the last person to hit on you? Some creep on Facebook.

What's on the paper nearest you? It’s the guide for my embroidery kit. It tells me what stitches to do and the colors of thread to use for the different parts of the template I was provided with.

Do you have a set of lyrics that you really love? From Paramore’s Pool: “As if the first cut wasn’t deep enough, I dove in again ‘cause I’m not into giving up Could’ve gotten the same rush from any lover’s touch, But why get used to something new When no one breaks my heart like you” I scream those lyrics every time they come on. I know I often showed the good, shiny side of my relationship on these surveys; but it was very much toxic at a lot of points and those lyrics - and that song - served as a nest for me, something that told me someone understands how I sometimes felt about my own relationship.

Did you get an A in your last English class? I got a 1.25 instead of a perfect 1.00, but I think that’s still equivalent to an A so yes.

What did you last use scissors for? Cutting thread.

Did you ever secretly hate a friend of yours that thought you liked them? That makes me sound shitty lol, but yeah I’ve acted nicely to people I don’t particularly like.

What do you think of when I say "boat"? That episode of Friends where Joey bought himself a boat at an auction; and Canadian accents.

Would you ever get a tattoo sleeve? Nope. I planned on getting one as a teenager, but I grew out of that phase.

Do you know any really fake people? Yep. I think everyone’s got to be at some point.

What does the last blanket you used look like? It’s pink and has multi-colored polka dots on it.

Do you have appreciation for graffiti? Sure, especially if it’s for political purposes (that I agree with).

Why don't you drive? I do. I just have done it a lot less because I have had little need for driving and traveling to places throughout the pandemic.

Does it annoy you when your printer runs out of ink? I think we have the kind of printer that never runs out of ink, but I’m not exactly sure about the terminologies or how the technology works. I let my sister do the printing hahaha.

Have you ever drank anything from a thermos? Yes, mostly water and coffee.

When was the last time you played in the snow? Never.

Do you know any ignorant people? Sure, mostly Gen X-ers and Boomers.

What is the coolest name you've ever heard? Thylane.

What did you last argue with someone about? Relationship stuff. It wasn’t a full-blown argument, but when Gab and I talked yesterday it was natural for us to disagree on a few points.

Is there anyone that you dislike for no real reason? Hmm, I don’t think so. If I feel that strongly about someone, I usually have a reason otherwise it wouldn’t be fair to them.

Have you had a good day? It was okay; it was nice. I got to do my embroidery hoop art thing, got to watch a couple episodes of Start Up, played with Cooper, and now I’m doing these surveys and am planning to continue my embroidery later. It’s nice to feel productive about non-work things :)

Are you going to have a good night? I hope.

#survey #surveys #multiple surveys – chop em up if you wish

[solange-lol]

not so typical love song - ch. 1/13

Chapter Title: Rollarcoaster

Words: 3,050

Note: my piece for the @pjo-hoo-bigbang !!! special thanks to @shelbychild and @wisdom-walks-alone for editing and helping me develop this story! it wouldnt exist w/o y’all!

Art by @lizzybizzyo! <3

[ one | two | three | four | five | six | seven | eight (coming soon)]

read on ao3

—

Nico is staring at his computer, wordless. This isn't writer's block or surprise; it’s just the unknown reality of what this situation could lead to.

Another gay kid in his school. Another gay kid that isn’t Mitchell—who’s been out since 8th grade, and the only one to be out since then. Another kid at their school who’s hiding a secret. 

Nico doesn’t even know if this kid is a boy or a girl or what, and frankly, he doesn’t care. There’s another kid like him. And he has no idea how to respond to the post.

The post is a submission from their school’s gossip blog on Tumblr, the notorious ‘hb-secrets.’ Piper had called him an hour ago, asking if he’d seen it yet.

“Seen what?” he had responded.

“The post on hb-secrets? About the closeted gay kid?” It hit Nico like a wall of bricks as he quickly went to pull up the website. Did somebody know? It was a relief when he saw the clipart Ferris wheel and a few short lines submitted by a blog called blue0919.

“I bet it’s that Brazilian sophomore. Paolo or whatever? Or maybe it’s Connor Stoll! I swear he’s been flirting with Mitchell, but Annabeth keeps telling me that he’s into Lacy or someone,” Piper continued as he read, but it was going in one ear and out the other as he processed the words on the screen

Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck on a Ferris wheel. One minute I’m on top of the world, and the next minute I’m at rock bottom. Over and over all day long, because a lot of my life is great. But nobody knows I’m gay.

“Gotta go. I’ll talk later,” Nico said quickly, switching off his phone. He knew it would raise suspicion, but it felt like time was turning in on itself. Nobody knew about Nico. In fact, nobody ever even suspected. He’s never been called names besides “Death Boy.” And yet, there were the exact words that described his life, written out in front of him like they were a second thought.

And now, he was staring at his computer with an empty Gmail draft open. The original poster had left their email at the end of the post, so Nico after glancing quickly at his Panic! at the Disco poster still proudly hanging on his wall, typed out a new address. He was stuck, though, unsure of what to say from here. 

So, he started from the beginning.

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: Oct 2 at 6:48 PM

Subject: Hey

Somehow you’ve managed to type exactly what I feel. Sorta scary, as if you’re inside my head or something. Maybe it’s just a gay thing to be speaking in metaphors about the pressure of everyday society.

That’s what I am. Gay. I don’t know if I’ve ever really said it out loud to myself.

It’s weird because I never really had a perfectly normal life. My mom died when I was young, so I never really got to meet her. My sister and I have always been super close until she went away to college. Now, not as much. I guess that’s just what happens when you live a million miles away. 

And I’ve known my stepmom longer than I knew my real mom, but it was only a few years ago when I met my half-sister when she came to live with us because her mom died as well. Meaning, she isn’t the daughter of my stepmom. It’s a long story, and not really one I want to get into.

She’s super nice though. It’s funny, but despite being polar opposites with my older sister, they’re both mushy inside. Same with my stepmom. And my dad… he tries his best. We’re like exactly what you expect from a slightly broken family. Plus my dog who my cousin gave to me during a rough time. Honestly, she’s probably my favorite sibling out of them all. (Both my sisters would kill me if they knew I wrote that.)

And then there are my friends. I have some that are closer than others; Two of them I’ve known for a while now, and one who I only met recently but treats me better than some of the people I’ve known my whole life. While I admit, I’m not the most social person in the world, they’re pretty amazing as far as friends go. 

So there it is. My perfectly normal life. Except for that huge ass secret.

He typed and retyped each line what felt like a thousand times, deleting word after word. He didn't know what was too much. It all felt like too much, really. He didn’t even know if he could trust this person.

Signing it was the worst part; he didn’t have any good pseudonyms. Eventually, he decided to leave it blank.

Without a second thought, Nico hit ‘send’ before leaning back in his chair and putting his hands over his head. Only a second later, a light knock came from the door, causing him to quickly sit up as Hazel popped her head in.

“Dinner’s ready if you wanna eat,” she smiled. She left just as quickly as she came, curls bouncing as she walked away. They had gotten over the awkwardness of having a new sibling only months after Hazel moved in, but there was still some strangeness. To this day, Nico was still a lot closer to her than Bianca was. Either way, Nico knew he would do anything for her. (Not that he would admit that. He didn't even need to, Hazel already knew.)

Nico glanced back at his computer, but there was nothing in his inbox besides the Gmail “Welcome” email. It was stupid to think this person would respond that quickly, seeing as Nico didn't even know if they would respond at all. Heaving a sigh, he got up to join his family for dinner. Maybe he could even convince them to watch Steven Universe instead of The Bachelor.

---

Dinner went as expected. It’d been a while, actually, since they were all together for a meal. Hazel talked about her psycho geometry teacher and a boy she talked in the class named Frank, who seemed sweet but apparently had a shared hatred for math just like her. Nico didn’t say much, although chimed in at the latter, saying he better be the flower boy at their wedding. That even got a short scoff out of his father, which tended to be the closest Nico ever got him laughing. So, that was a win. 

However, he was a little more distant than usual. The pending email response was in the back of his mind during the entire meal.

Even afterward, as they watched reruns of Glee (a compromise made between Hazel and Nico, much to their father’s dismay), Nico couldn’t focus. It felt like a weight was burning through his back pocket. After the second episode (and laughing his ass off at his father’s reaction to Kurt’s ‘Single Ladies’ dance) he finally excused himself. 

He tapped the Gmail app on his phone as soon as he had reached his room. It felt like his heart skipped a beat when he noticed the new notification, a response from the original poster. With slightly shaky hands, he tapped the response, and a message opened up.

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: Oct 2 at 8:12 PM

Subject: I’ve never done this before

Dear anonymous person on the internet,

I really don’t know where to begin. I’m also not sure if you're a real person. For all I know you could be some random pedophile like one of those cases they warned us about in health class for the past 5 years, even though it’s never happened within the last decade.

But in case you are real, hello! I’m the original poster from that hb-secrets thread about life being a Ferris wheel. I’m rereading what I wrote there and I can’t stop cringing, so I’ll start by apologizing for that. I’m not usually one for metaphors, even the bad ones.

Anyway, it sounds like you identify with what I wrote. I’m glad you emailed me; I didn’t think anyone would actually do anything with the email that I left. Except maybe be extremely homophobic. But it made me feel less like I was shouting into the void, so thanks for that. And I assume you’re okay with me writing back since you sent me the first email. Though, I can’t believe I’m actually writing to you. I really didn’t think I would.

I guess I’m thinking it could be nice to talk with someone who can relate to how I’m feeling. No pressure, of course, but feel free to write back if you want to. I don’t want to use my real name, but you can call me Blue. 

It was surreal. Someone who was like Nico. Someone who wanted to talk to Nico because they were like him. 

He started to type again, with more excitement than he’s ever felt. He’s never been able to express this part of him before. It was almost like first date jitters-type feeling. 

(Not that he really knew what that was like.)

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: Oct 2 at 8:23 PM

Subject: Re: I’ve never done this before

Hi, Blue

Wow, I’m actually kind of flipping out right now, because I seriously didn’t think I’d hear from you, especially so quickly. Wow. Okay. First of all, thanks for your email and also for your Tumblr post. I really liked it, Blue, and it wasn’t cringy at all, I promise.

So do you go here (here meaning HBHS)? I do, I’m a junior. And I’m a guy (are you a guy?) Anyway, I could relate a lot to your post, Like, pretty much all of it, but especially the part about being gay. You probably figured that out already though. And I’m not out yet either, which you probably figured that part out too. 

I guess a part of me wants to be out, but a part of me’s like… no. It’s hard to explain. I don’t know. Maybe you get it.

So yeah, it’s really nice to meet you! This is kind of cool, right? Even writing this email makes me feel eleven times less alone.

-Angel (not my real name either, two can play at this game. It’s not like a pet-name type thing. If you ever find out who I am, you’ll understand why.) 

He was worried about the whole name-signing thing. ‘Angel’ was just the easiest thing; it was a direct translation of his last name. He was really hoping Blue still didn’t take it in a weird way, even with that last note.

Relief flooded through him when he read the first sentence of Blue’s next email. 

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: Oct 2 at 8:41 PM

Subject: Re: I’ve never done this before

Angel, huh? Maybe like guardian angel perhaps. 

Also, eleven times less alone? That’s oddly specific. :) But I know exactly what you mean.

Anyway, wow. Hi. You wrote back, and quickly too. I’m really glad you liked my post. Now I’m actually happy I put it out there. I have to admit, it’s strange to be writing a somewhat personal email to you when we don’t know each other’s identities. Though, in a way, I guess that makes it easier. Sorta like a therapist, except we’re both blindfolded and have the same problem. So not really a therapist, I guess.

Do you think therapists have therapists? Like, if the problems get to be too much for them? Is there an Almighty Therapist who just absorbs everyone's issues and feels nothing?

Anyway, I am a guy, and I’m also a junior at HB. I think you’re actually the first other gay guy I’ve met here. It’s pretty surreal to be talking to you. (In a good way though.) I wonder if we know each other in real life. 

And I think I understand what you mean. I feel like I’m constantly going back and forth about wanting to come out. I have these moments where I’m almost bursting to tell people. Of course, that’s where I was when I posted the thing on Tumblr. But I always feel so weird about it a few hours later, and sometimes I’m intensely relieved no one knows yet. What about you?

-Blue

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: Oct 2 at 9:12 PM

Subject: Re: I’ve never done this before

I mean, let’s be real, eleven is the best number, which is perfect because we’re both in eleventh grade. And I can't believe we’re both juniors. The class is pretty small compared to the others, so I bet we do know each other, which is weird to think about. What if we’re actually enemies in real life? Do you have enemies? I don’t think I do, not really. Various people tend to annoy me a lot. It’s not even their fault; some people just have really punchable faces.

 (I’m usually a really nonviolent person. I’m more like a violent person who at the same doesn’t really want to hurt anyone, so I have to resort to fantasizing about punching people, which just ends in eating my feelings in large quantities of McDonald’s.)

It’s funny for me, it’s actually not so much that go back and forth about wanting to come out. It’s like I simultaneously do and don’t want to be out. Which is pretty freaking exhausting, honestly. Like I’m in this constant state of JUST SAY IT and NO NEVER. Do you think that ever ends? I don’t know, maybe I’m just a really indecisive person. I think part of me is also just holding out until college when I’m away from anyone I know and can just reinvent myself.

So what kind of stuff do you like to do after school and everything?

-Angel

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: Oct 2 at 9:34 PM

Subject: Re: I’ve never done this before

I don’t think I have any enemies, but now I’m definitely wondering if I’m the guy with the punchable face. How do you know if you have a punchable face? I’ve never been punched, so hopefully, that’s a good sign. 

I will say, I’m definitely with you on the issue of eating your feelings. I’m the person who has never smoked a cigarette or gotten drunk or anything like that, and I'm usually relatively healthy. However, I once ate five jars of Nutella in one sitting. I do not recommend, 

I’m indecisive, too, in some ways. Okay, full disclosure: I was really conflicted when you sent me that email. I kept going back and forth about whether I should email you. I was (and am) definitely intrigued, but I guess I was also a little bit paranoid. It’s just that you could have been anyone, and it’s hard to know sometimes if someone’s being a jerk or if they’re being sincere. Plus my cousin sort of actually outed me. Not to anyone else, he’s the only one who knows, but now I’m super paranoid about coming out. (Exactly what you said about holding out until college. I’m thinking I can move to LA or somewhere where nobody really cares. Although I wouldn’t want to reinvent myself. And I don’t want you to reinvent yourself either, you’re pretty cool as you are I think.) Anyway, I’m really glad I decided to email you, though.

So, you’re probably going to think I’m ridiculous, but I’d rather not answer your last question. It’s just… I think I like being anonymous for now. Is that okay?

-Blue

Okay, that last part was fair. Nico understood the wanting-to-be-anonymous thing. Sure, they go to the same school. But Blue had no reason to entirely trust him; Nico didn’t really trust Blue at all. This could entirely be some random asshole anywhere in the world trying to find him and beat him up, or worse. It sucked that homophobia was still a thing in their day and age. 

But Blue said he liked talking to Nico, and it was thrilling to talk to him. It was another secret of his, but not one he entirely minded keeping. So, he chose to believe that Blue was actually who he said he was. 

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: Oct 2 at 9:57 PM

Subject: Punchability

Blue, you have so much to learn about the rules of punchability, starting with the fact that it is completely impossible for you to have a punchable face. Rule number one: guys who make metaphors about Ferris wheels are automatically unpunchable. Rule number two: There isn’t one. Just rule number one, so memorize it. Everyone else can catch these fists. (Catch these fists? These hands? This would probably be more intimidating if I knew the correct phrasing)

Also, five jars of Nutella in one sitting is the worst idea I’ve ever heard in my life. Challenge accepted.

I don’t think you’re ridiculous, Blue. I totally understand why you don't want to tell me about your extracurricular activities (I’m guessing interpretive dance, though, you seem like the type.) But seriously, I get it. It’s this weird contradiction, right? It’s so much easier to be open with someone who doesn't know you at all. We’ll be each other's Ultimate Therapists. 

(Except I don’t think I could ever be a therapist.)

Anyway, I’m really glad you decided to email me back, too :)

-Angel

That smiley face was really unlike him. 

Nico sent the email, but after nearly an hour, he didn’t get on back, which meant Blue was probably asleep. Which was different from what Nico was used to; he tended to stay awake until the early hours of the morning most nights. But it wasn’t anything he minded. He had a conversation with Blue, and even if that was the last one they would ever have (which, he was hoping it wouldn’t be), it was good to know that there was somewhere out there like him.

#solangelo #heros of olympus #pjo #will solace #nico di angelo #pjo hoo big bang 2019 #im willing to make a tag list for this but i didnt want to use my general solangelo taglist #so if you would like a taglist for this fic lmk! #nstls

[justlovehamm]

Andrew Hammond’s Rolling Stone Top 25

Thought it would be fun to rerank the Rolling Stone top 25. 

The first number is my ranking, then band, album, the Rolling Stone ranking, then my personal favorite song. 

Without further ado...

25.Nirvana- Nevermind (6) Smells Like Teen Spirit?

24.The Velvet Underground- The Velvet Underground and Nico (23) Sunday Morning Ok this is another album that I’ve always thought got way too much hype. With a little more of an open mind, I think I do like The Velvet Underground and Nico more, having sat down and given it a couple more listens. Would it be in my personal top 25? Absolutely not. But here we are. I do hear how it influences a lot of the music I do like, but I just can’t get there with this one.

23.Carole King- Tapestry (25) Where You Lead

Through high school and college I worked at HEB. Off and on for eight years at HEB meant I developed a new genre of music: HEB Song. An HEB song has a little elevator music, a little yacht rock, a little boy band, and a lot of Carole King. This probably comes across as a backhanded compliment, but I really do appreciate someone mastering a specific sound even if it’s the sound most likely to get you to pull two bags of chips from the shelf and not just one. Where You Lead receives the favorite song nod because of its connection to Mellisa McCarthy’s breakout show, Gilmore GIrls. A favorite show of my mom and mine growing up.

22.The Notorious B.I.G.- Ready to Die (22) Juicy

A real up and down album that ends up being a little bloated once you listen to it straight through. Never a good sign when you start thinking to yourself “we are still listening to this B.I.G. album?” Juicy on its own would be pretty high up on a top songs list. “Birthdays was the worst days; now we sip Champagne when we thirsty,” my favorite line from that song.

21.Kendrick Lamar- To Pimp a Butterfly (19) Momma

Kind of a tricky one for me, since I think good kid, m A.A.d city runs laps around any other Lamar album. This choice feels a little like a reach by Rolling Stone to include something from the most recent decade in the top twenty five. My favorite parts of To Pimp a Butterfly are the Flying Lotus and Kamasi Washington influenced sounds. The avant garde lo-fi jazz sound that lurks beneath what Lamar spits out makes for a great combination. Great late night jam that took me back to my days in college when I’d play Flying Lotus late at night while studying. 

20.Bob Dylan- Highway 61 Revisited (18) Like a Rolling Stone 

 Highway 61 Revisted was the first Dylan album I listened to thanks to my dad. So I guess I knew electric Bob before I even knew there was an acoustic Bob. Like a Rolling Stone can be debated about whether or not it is a GOAT song, but it’s easily the greatest f-you song. Verse three sticks out especially. Diplomats stealing hits home pretty quickly these days. 

19.Public Enemy- It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back (15) Don’t Believe the Hype 

 The funniest album on the list, no question. Flavor Flav really brings the comic relief to Chuck D’s social commentary. Speaking of laughable, the initial Rolling Stone top 500  had It Takes a Nation as the only rap album in the top one hundred. For sure. Released in 1988, It Takes a Nation unfortunately fights the same battles that To Pimp a Butterfly is fighting twenty seven years later. The production bites your ears so viciously, and then just keeps chewing. An unrelenting record that demands the listeners attention, and the attention of the powers at be. 

18.Aretha Franklin- I Never Loved a Man the Way I Love You (13) Respect 

 I feel like this album should be higher, but here we are once again. Aretha not getting any respect. I recently watched the Sister Act movies, and couldn’t help but wonder how the movies would turn out if she replaced Whoopi Goldberg. Spoiler alert: they’d be even better. Aretha’s voice really is that good, by the way. Take some time to listen to this album on a cold day, and let that gospel voice warm you up from the heart. The album cover perfectly captures that sixties black female aesthetic as well. 

17.Michael Jackson- Thriller (12) Beat It

Ok. I know this is a #hammondhottake, but I really do believe what I’m about to say, and not just trying to get clicks. Thriller has a lot of great songs, but as a whole ends up being less than the sum of its parts. Is it possible to have too much pop? If this were a top twenty five songs list I’m sure I’d have Thriller songs higher, but as a complete albumThriller lacks depth. With the recent death of Eddie Van Halen, Beat It gets the nod for my favorite track. Such an iconic guitar riff that Eddie uses to tell white America it’s ok to like this black man’s music. 

16.The Beatles- Revolver (11) Tomorrow Never Knows Over time this album has become more critically acclaimed; maybe even surpassing Abbey Road or Sgt Pepper’s. I still have it behind those two, but Revolver is no slouch. Coming out firing with Taxman, this album lays a great framework for Sgt. Pepper’s to later fill in only nine (!!!) months later. Iit makes sense that I would have Sgt. Pepper’s ranked higher since my favorite song on Revolver is Tomorrow Never Knows.  You can imagine how I felt when my favorite show went to credits playing this LSD inspired track. 

15.Bob Dylan- Blood on the Tracks (9) Lily, Rosemary, and the Jack of Hearts

Thanks to listening to this album and Highway 61 Revisited, Dorothy now knows how to imitate Bob Dylan. “It’s meeeeee Bobbbbb!” This album hits hard, especially during the Fall. While sitting on the porch watching the leaves fall I keep imagining each one of them as a different character in Dylan’s tales. Lily, Rosemary, and The Jack of Hearts fall through the air mingling and dancing, taking twists and turns as Dylan’s characters often do in his extended songs.

14.Prince & the Revolution- Purple Rain (8) Let’s Go Crazy

Full disclosure: I have not seen Purple Rain, I’ve only listened to the soundtrack. The one regret I have on our wedding day was not playing Let’s Go Crazy to start the reception danceathon. Dearly beloved… Maybe a post-COVID danceathon will have to start off with this iconic track. I hate when you hear this on the radio and the opening is cut out. You need  to have the set up before you can go crazy. This is the album you give to an alien who asks you what the eighties sounded like. Price creates such a definitive sound with this album. True talent captures a specific time and place, and then makes it timeless.

13.The Beach Boys- Pet Sounds (2) God Only Knows

Go read the Wikipedia on all the technical stuff that this album did for the first time. It’s all over my head, but does factor into the ranking here. I have to trust the studio nerds on this one, because at the end of the day it’s about the destination, not the journey. The Beach Boys create such a warm, beautiful sound, and you don’t need to know how they got it to hear the richness within it. I think a good life goal is to find someone or some-ones to whom you can genuinely sing God Only Knows and mean every single word. One of the best love songs ever. This album inspired The Beatles to make Sgt. Pepper’s, so we also can give thanks for that as well.

12.The Clash- London Calling (16) Lost in the Supermarket

What an opening bass line!! London! Calling! Pure energy in an album that keeps you pumped the whole time. A lot of high tempos, and the slower songs get their energy from the howling bass lines or Joe Strummer’s gruff voice. Like Songs in the Key of LifeI, I appreciate this album more and more as I get older. The lyrics again hit me different than they did when I was younger. Coming out two years before Margaret Thatcher became Prime Minister, London Calling accurately describes the inequalities in London that she only exacerbated during her ministry. London Calling: come for the energy, stay for the class critique.

11.Fleetwood Mac- Rumours (7) Dreams

Funny this list came out right before the Tik Tok of quarantine dropped. Ha! So funny if they bumped Rumours up just because of it. Rumours has a crazy background to it, so check out the Wikipedia page to get all the gossip. I really want to talk about the ultimate backhanded compliment, Rumours being a perfect example. Is it mean to say an album is the perfect background music? I love Rumours because I can listen to it while staring at the ceiling, and it has enough going on to keep me engaged. But it might actually be a better listen if you are doing something else. Cooking, dinner conversation, playing with the kids, etc. I mean this is the best way. I really do love this album.

10.The Beatles- Abbey Road (5) Golden Slumbers 9.The Beatles- Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band (24) Within You and Without You

My high school self would've ranked these albums much higher than I did here. I onced listened to the entire Beatles discography straight through. Nbd. Within You and Without You is my favorite Beatles song (breaking the tie with Abbey Road). This song comes in right behind Born to Run for GOAT opening side two song. But, speaking of side twos, Abbey Road…what a doozie. From You Never Give Me Your Money till The End, each track raises the stakes. Golden Slumbers is my favorite. Both of these albums are hard to talk about really. What hasn’t been said? They also fall victim to being so in the zeitgeist that you end up taking them for granted. The Lebron James of classic rock albums maybe? Just incredibly high expectations going into the release. They deliver a masterpiece, yet people sleep on them despite actually delivering on the astronomical expectations.

8.Stevie Wonder- Songs in the Key of Life (4) As

Rolling Stone’s highest rated double album. I’ve always known of this album, but having sat down and really listened to it straight though I appreciate it even more. Now that I’m older, this album rewards mature ears more than others on this list. Wondering aloud, could Stevie make the same album without making the previous 17(!) prior to it? Taking time to figure out who you are as a musician, and then delivering a mature album like this has to feel so satisfying for an artist. Final thought: love the cymbal on As.

7.Joni Mitchell- Blue (3) River

Maybe it’s the changing weather? Maybe it’s the clarity of sound in a house with two little girls? Still trying to figure out how Joni Mitchell’s Blue went from “the one with Mitchell’s Christmas song” to “the one where I can’t sit on the porch without playing it.” The quieter songs work better for me. Mitchell’s voice pairs so well with her acoustic guitar or piano. Mitchell wrote River in Chapel Hill while caroling with James Taylor, and I’ll be singing this to the girls this Christmas.

6.Kanye West- My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy (17) Runaway

Power: track three on this album, and also the best word to describe the sound Kanye creates with this tour de force. There are all time bangers going down the track listing: Power. All of the Lights. Monster. Runaway. Lost in the World. What do the last ten years of rap and R&B look like if My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy never comes out? Is this the most influential rap album this century? Kanye has a lot of baggage these days, but don’t throw this album out with the bathwater.

5.The Rolling Stones- Exile on Main St. (14) Torn and Frayed

Much mythologized, Exile on Main St. has none of the hits but all of the groove. I do think without the background and circumstances Exile might not be remembered as fondly. I still love it though. The rough bluesy tracks like Torn and Frayed especially stand out to me. To picture them trapped in a house in France banging out these tracks give them an even greater life. Given those circumstances, it makes sense that this is a great quarantine album to have playing in the background.  

4.Marvin Gaye- What’s Going On (1) What’s Going On

The most political album on the list, and partly why Rolling Stone moved it up to number one after ranking it six in 2003. I am more than ok with it being one. I would say Gaye and Franklin would be one or two if you listed these albums on vocals alone. Gaye’s smooth voice almost works against him while singing such gritty lyrics. Clocking in at 35 minutes I do wonder if there is something about knowing when to stop and saying, “This is the album. We’ve said all we need to say.” Although number five on my list might say otherwise...

3.Radiohead- Kid A (20) Everything in Its Right Place

When will this album start to sound old? If this came out next week it would still seem ahead of its time. I have yet to see Radiohead live. Not holding my breath, but I do hear my favorite song as my alarm goes off every morning. . Waking up to Everything in Its Right Place gives me a sense that today everything will be as it should be. What will happen will happen, and I will resolutely go about the day. Or as Optimistic reminds us, “the best you can is good enough.” This is Radiohead’s best.

2.Lauryn Hill- The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill (10) Can’t Take My Eyes Off You

What an interesting career. Her only solo studio album, but what a tour de force. It always catches me by surprise how long the album is (clocking in at 69:20), but it never really drags. Justine and I danced to Can’t Take My Eyes Off You for our first dance. I often wonder how Hill would respond to hearing that a rural white male resonates with her music. She’d probably hate it since it seems like that’s what sort of turned her off from the music industry in general. Still Processing does an excellent job of reflecting on her career on this podcast.

1.Bruce Springsteen- Born to Run (21) Born to Run

This was an easy choice for me once I saw it in the top twenty five. I am actually surprised Darkness on the Edge of Town didn’t beat out B2R (as Bruce puts it when writing set lists). Darkness seems more fitting for these times than Born to Run, not that songs like Backstreets or Meeting Across the River can’t capture the current malaise. Home, to me, sounds like the harmonica and piano duet at the beginning of Thunder Road. GOAT opening side-two track: Born to Run. One of my first COVID memories is watching this on the second Sunday of lockdown. So electric. It gives me comfort to know that I’ll be listening to these eight songs for the rest of my life.

[projectclockwurk]

A Monster Approaches

My family has never been what you might call a conventional one. For generations we’ve lived out in the middle of nowhere, mainly living off the land and cut off from modern technology for the most part. The only times we interact with other people is if we make runs to the town five miles away whether to get things we can’t make ourselves or to go to school. These little trips are expected to be enough for us to meet somebody and settle down and have kids. It somehow always works out. Most recently for my older sister, Sara, though it didn’t last long.

She thought marriage was a way out, that she could leave the home and not be followed. She thought they’d be safe. Sara was gone a week after her wedding before she came back, tear tracks staining her cheeks. Mom held her while Dad grumbled to me.

“Sara did a stupid thing,” he had said. “Don’t ever make the same mistake, Annabeth.”

“I won’t.” I didn’t plan on it because while Sara entertained the foolish dream of being able to escape what our family was, what our purpose was, I never did. I knew it was impossible and I had accepted that at a very early age.

The morning after Sara came back home husbandless and bemoaning what she considered a bleak future, Dad had me go out and fire the guns for a few hours. My hands hurt and my shoulder ached but I barely paid any attention. It was all necessary for our survival. So I put up with the pain and the calluses that marred my hands and I did what I had to do to learn to defend not only myself but my family and whatever future I might have should I myself settle down with a man in this old house that’s been in our family as long as anyone can remember.

I liked to see Dad’s proud expression as I hit each target, even if it was often accompanied by my mother’s solemn looking face. As many years as had gone by, I don’t think she ever did come to accept our family’s situation. Maybe that’s where Sara got it from. They were wide-eyed optimists and my father and I were the stone-faced realists. Debbie Downers, that was our joined nickname.

Dad and I never took offense. It was better to be a Debbie Downer than fill our heads up with a world of impossibilities. That’s what I’ve always thought and I don’t think it’ll ever change in my mind.

“You should want more than this,” Sara had said so many times before and decided to say again, two weeks after she came home. “We don’t deserve to carry this curse.”

“But we carry it anyway and maybe that’s for the best.”

“What do you mean?”

“If it’s not us, it would be someone else and that wouldn’t exactly be fair, now would it?”

Sara didn’t know what to say to that. All she did was shake her head and walk inside. It was true though. Wishing such a thing was just wishing it upon somebody else. What difference would it make?

We didn’t speak the rest of the night. It didn’t bother me. We’d never been very close so not many words were ever exchanged between us. She just sat in the corner with my mother, doing their needlework while I helped my father clean the guns.

“We’ve been very fortunate lately,” my mother said. We all knew what she was talking about and as usual, her spark of optimism was met with a grunt from my father.

“Won’t last much longer, I’m sure. I’ve been feeling a shift in the air.” Perhaps it was cruel to always crush my mother and sister’s hopes like that but they had to realize that their hopefulness wouldn’t keep any of us alive; most of all them. “Annabeth, finish the cleaning? I’m tired.”

“Of course,” I replied.

He went to the back, to his and Mom’s small bedroom and as usual, Mom followed shortly after, closing the door behind her. This is how things were day in and day out. It was a monotony I was perfectly fine with but it drove Sara crazy. If she had just accepted this life, this curse, then perhaps I wouldn’t be the only one left.

“Sara, don’t!” my father shouted as she quickly made her way to the door on the third night after my father spoke of what he felt in the air.

“I can’t stay here!”

“Sara, it is dangerous out there! One of them is nearly on us! You have to get in the shelter with your mother and sister!” Mom and I were already on the stairs—a gun in my hand—ready to go down and stay there until Dad had taken care of things.

“No, I refuse! I’m sick of this! I don’t even care if they kill me anymore!”

It’s as if Sara summoned one with those very words. A pitch black, hulking figure with features like some dog from hell smashed through the window and grabbed her, snapping its massive jaws around her slim form and pulling her through.

Mom shrieked beside me at the sight and Dad froze. So did I, I hate to admit. We heard Sara scream as the beast tore her apart, blood and pieces of flesh and muscle flying. It was only when her screams died down that Mom and Dad moved. Mom went straight for the door. It was obvious the reality of Sara being dead hadn’t quite clicked in her mind. Dad made to go stop her but it was too late. The door was flung open and the beast turned its large form to face her, all its teeth—with my sister’s blood staining them—showing in some mockery of a smile, it’s large, white, lidless eyes gazing at her.

Everything happened so fast then. Dad shoved me down into the shelter and slammed it closed. I heard claws against the side of the house, tearing at the wood and then came screaming and gunshots and more glass breaking and bodies dropping.

I stayed in the shelter until morning, my hand firmly gripped around the gun the entire time. I needed to make sure there weren’t any more beasts before I faced the scene that I knew awaited me above and when I did emerge, I didn’t react. I took in the surroundings, all the glass and blood spread across the floor. I took in the mutilated bodies of my parents and then my sister’s outside. There was no trace of the creature that had terrorized us in the night. I didn’t expect any.

I buried them in the fields, making headstones out of tree branches, and cleaned the house before driving into town to go meet with a man who could fix the windows. I made up a story that some people had tried to break into the house but my father had scared them off and when the man came by the next day and asked about my family, I said they went to go stay with family further South and they wouldn’t be coming back.

I’ve been alone in the house for four months now. There’s a man I’ve taken a liking to in town. He seems like a smart choice in a partner but marriage is still a ways off and I must focus on guarding my home.

I can feel a change in the air. I step outside with rifle in hand. I’m ready.

And in the distance, a monster approaches.

#horror stories #scary stories #horror #stories #my stories #shit i really love this one y'all

[progressivleythin]

whos to blame

whos to blame for the reasons you drink

me

whos to blame for the reasons youve screamed about how you hate her

it was me i was once again the reason.

i dont want to keep going, i want to end it so bad but ive people i wanna see

you tell me im being dilusioinal but i remember seeing you threaten to leave this house if i keep doing that

i was simply laying down by my dad at the time. simply laying down smiling,,happy

shes a child mom my sister yelled i watched from the top of the stairs wondering what was happening. i was four or five

at 13 i witnessed or heard persay my dad finally beat you in front of me. you threw his phone you were both drunk so i was scared to call 911 as id have to live with his mom.

at 14 i realized my dad was a piece of shit but you mom, you stayed golden to me because you were on my side most

still. at 14 my dad punched me for the first time while screaming about how disrespectful id been to him i was simply walking away from him to keep from bursting into tears. he came two days later apologizing saying he cried at work about hitting me.

nearing the end of age 14 you had a fight with him. he was gonna leave and i didnt mind ive been wanting him to since i was around nine maybe?

he kept slamming doors and id chosen to mock him out of anger. bad choice as itd lead to your constant wish for death sofia. “you know what!? shut the fuck up sofia, its your fault its all because of you that me and your mom are always fucked up. if you werent here wed be fine but you and your fucking ungrateful ass keep getting in the way. im fighting it right now but you dont know how much i wish i could beat your ass right now for what YOU did to us”

thats when it clicked..youve never cared about me all along. and my fear of my dad peaked that day and my suicidal thoughts took control i relapsed that day after nearly two years clean! are you proud? you were both drunk and he admitted to his thoughts of abuse to me while you hid away in your bathroom “cleaning” to which i found out meant doing cocaine and smoking weed. i sat completely straight faced listening to him say that and worse trying to shw i wasnt weak but that one tear left my eye and i knew it was over im never gonna be stronger than the fucking hate from my “parents”. that night i tried suffocating myself before bed because i thought itd be better if i was gone.

at fourteen years old you led me to my first suicide attempt,or second if you consider the time i took four ibuprofen pills “because of my headache”.

im fifteen now and nearly cried tonight on the way home because you screamed fuck you to dad and i was scared hed hit you or me in front of the baby. or maybe hed decide to turn into oncoming traffic and end us all. that fears only been growing since and its only been four hours maybe? i nearly cried in front of you both because the baby knew what happened and wanted to cry too.

thank you parents! for showing your child how happy you are to have them in your life.

to anyone currently reading this ive only listed some of the worst. im not abused im not treated as a slave im simply treated as a human im happy when im not around them but im ok i have my older siblings to save me if times get rough.

to my mom if you ever find this i wanna say fuck you but i fucking care about you too much to mean it. i constantly think youre there for me but its because ive tried to forget the moments youve said bad about me.

and my dad i have nothing i want to say to you. no thank yous none at all not even a fuck you because itd mean i care enough to waste my breath. you try but i wont let you back in no matter what.

to my brother.. the only one whos helped me most i truly love you more than my own life! id take anybullet for you okay? youve been more of a parent to me than mom and dad and i thank you more than anything for that i love you so much so so so much franco too. i havent ended my life because of you and im truly grateful for you youre my angel and i cant live without you were both pretty broken after all. i hope you find yourself soon and i find my happy soon. i really really do love you okay? you shaped me into most of the person i am now and i cant imagine not having you. id probably be dead because you know how to make me feel happy. im crying most while writing to you because its true i cant be unhappy with you. thank you so much brother so much youre an angel with your own problems and you still take time to listen to me angrily rant about mom and dad.

to franco. youre three ive known you for a while and im glad i can. im also staying alive for you i want you to remember me as a great older sister rather than an aunt. youre like my little angel too..one that bothers me enough to get out of my room or enough to laugh genuinely inlove you and your dad so so so so so much youre both the light of my life im so truly grateful for youre presence in my life

to my sister. were not as close as sisters should be. im closer with my brother but i have amazing memories with you i hope we have more dude. ive had some deep convos with you maybe not like my brother and me but enough to know how your relationship is and im glad you trust me with that info. i love you so so so so so much too i hope you have an amazing future. i hope we get closer soon otherwise idk who ill come out to first

to my closest cousins. im sorry most of you didnt find this out sooner im sorry for being so awkward with every interaction we have for constantly fucking things up. i feel like an annoyance constantly so thank you for putting up with my shit.

my internet friends ive never met any of you but thanks to you guys too even the most recent ones :) some of you really listen and helped me through some dark shit.

to anna, the first person id ever r e a l l y dated. weve never met and we dated and yeah it didnt seem like it but it feels nice saying i have dated someone even if it was barely anything physical. you truly have heard my nearly darkest thoughts ive kept most because i dont wanna be a burden. you fit with the lil gaurdisn angel group too, youve helped me alot and were both pretty fucking fucked up people. idk what my life would be with out you. you mean alot to me maybe not as much as my brother as he has the highest “score” so far but its near that.

to keana and amaya. im fucking sorry for constantly speaking about my fucking weight to you guys especially you amaya youre so fucking young and ive already shown you eating disorders i hope you never have these thoughts. keana i feel the same i gotta get annoying to you at some point im sorry

to past me this is your “rough draft” maybe? for a suicide note. im not killing myself i just wanna get it out.

once again to my brother your tribute made me cry most dont tell me i dont care for you. you mean so much to me youre really keeping me alive by alot okay? keep it up big bro please i cant do this without you i know youre as broken as me somewhere youre doing great and youre gonna make it i hope i do too.

10.06.17

[renaroo]

Hm. I need to deal with feelings... And it’s. it’s a rough time. to have these feelings. 

But I figure writing out this anecdote may be something nice for others to take away from if they are having a tough time with feelings today, too!

I am out to my family. 

It’s hard not to be. Despite living in the depths of the Bible Belt, I have a large amount of LGBT family I grew up with. One of my uncles has been married to the same man for eighteen years, even if the state only recognized it two years ago, another of my uncles has been openly bisexual since the 90s and even lived in our house with us during his time coming out and finding his footing dating men. One of my cousins I grew up with and am very close to to this day has been a proud, butch lesbian since we were in middle school. Another of my cousins has been with the same woman since high school. 

While there are many members of my extended family who have not been great, and continue to really show the nasty side of themselves to our LGBT family, my core family has been a beacon of acceptance and showing that religious and spiritual love can be inclusive and accepting of everyone and anyone. 

But I still lived in rural southern America. I was till exposed to intolerance and even absorbed some incidentally myself. 

I remember watching the horrors of a close friend in high school coming out to her religious family -- friends of my family, who went to the same church and raised their children with my sister and me -- and not being accepted. That she and her father, who had been so close, were not on speaking terms for years. 

I have heard my own grandparents say horrible things about their own LGBT children, even if it was in the guise of acceptance. I have heard stories about my older LGBT relatives receiving physical brutality in the 80s, losing custody of children due to their orientation in the 90s, and so on and so forth.

Being loved did not save me from being scared. And I was closeted to my parents longer than I should have been. Longer to my sister than I should have been. 

In recent years, as they have faced retirement, my parents have been “hinting” more and more about their desire of grandkids. Before I was out to them I continuously baited the with the fact that while I wanted kids, I would be adopting. They were always accepting and never question.

My mom has made several pintrest accounts files -- clothes she likes for me, my sister. Homestyles she thinks she’ll like when she retires. And winter wedding decor -- has said to me for years how, since I love winter so much, I needed to be a winter bride. I’ve always agreed, and never brought up that a traditional wedding in a church might not be a possibility for specific reasons. She’s always just said “I never imagined you getting married in a church anyway” and left it at that.

My dad is overly sentimental, and every time a story of domestic violence or abuse comes up, he loves to pull me aside and remind me that I deserve to be loved by someone good, and as long as someone is good and loves me that he will accept anyone I bring home. I never pointed out his lack of pronouns, or which ones he should be using.

These are things I’ve bottled up for years thinking that my family was assuming certain things about my sexuality. That it was all a part of that often talked about “heteronormativity” that we love to bring up. That no matter how accepting they are of brothers and nieces and nephews and so on, that when it was going to be me coming to them, it was going to be different. It was going to be scarier. 

What I should have known, but could have never guessed, was that there was no reaction at all. 

All these years, my family knew. They knew before I knew. And waited all this time for me to come to them because, in my mother’s words to me the night we talked about it “I believe your life is your story to tell, and you have always known when the right time would be for you.”

Grandkids and wedding plans and You Deserve Someone Who Loves You and Treats You Right talks for a lifetime. And my parents have done it all these years, knowing that I was a lesbian. 

They’re not perfect. We still have to take babysteps with the idea of asexuality and how it works with my Big Gay Secret. There are still some things that even after coming out, we have to work on. Certain sensitivities or misunderstandings that prove everyone has a long way to go. 

But my parents are shining examples of what parents should be

And in a world like today, where it seems like there is just so much more to go, I want people to know that there are good, wonderful people out there. In the hills of Appalachia, in the deep south of Alabama. It’s still dangerous and full of heartache, but there are people who will love you in your life. 

I’m fortunate mine were my family. And that they’ve always made it clear that our house is open to everyone and anyone, friends family and more.

That’s the sort of person I wish to grow up and be. A person like my own wonderful family. 

Because they’re the people who prove that we can change this world. 

#LGBTQA+ #long post #personal #Coming Out Stories

[papermoth-bird-blog]

Ontario: Toronto the not-so-terrible-afterall.

When asked where I am from, I have varied answers. Not, because I am confused, but because mind my races with what is true for the version of myself I am speaking from. These days, I usually respond with Halifax, though that is not strictly true. I mean, it is true, when speaking to people from outside the province. My adulthood, my current nature, is a direct result of having spend the last 7 years on the eastern coastline. For someone who has come-from-away, I have sunken pretty thoroughly into that identity. Alas, I wasn’t born on the coast. 

I was born in the big city of Toronto, Ontario- an east-end girl. The Danforth, Riverdale park, the farm, the beaches. That was my childhood. I experienced a lot of trauma growing up (which I won’t go into here) which has always stained even the happiest memories associated with this city. Making it extremely difficult for me to come back here. I haven’t been home for Christmas in a couple years, I really haven’t been back for more than a week in 6 years. And yet, there it is, I still call it home- though in a very small voice that rarely escapes these days. That concept is so utterly wrapped in fear for me- the centre of capitalism, the place where I am triggered the most, the place where I had always felt most small in the world. 

It was in Mexico, that those thoughts started to unravel. Katie stopped me in the midst of a thought spiral about “going back to Toronto”. She said, something helpful for me, might be re:phrasing my travels to Ontario- “Stop saying ‘going back to’, just saying ‘going to’”. It’s true, the words you unleash on the world act as spells. They create our reality in the fundamental way they fill in the narrative that we (whether we realize it or not) are writing about our lives. And, I found my own narrative become undone, by a simple shift in prospective. 

Suddenly, I was going “to Toronto”. A place that was big, new & held the possibilities any other one of the cities I recently visited carried. Instead of dragging my feet around the places I knew, I was determined to remind myself of the places I’d forgotten, and the ones I had yet to see. For as much of the city, I have met, it has changed & is filled with so much more that is still strange to me. 

The same, could also be said for the way I am able to interact with my family. I could see them as the same as always, or I could keep my eyes open to the ways they are trying to evolve. Though, not naively. With confidence in my own ability to discern what I can handle in any given moment & being able to assert what is good for me. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

My first day in the city, I found myself practically skipping down the street. My mother & I walked around the Danforth- a street that I’ve long felt I knew every inch of. It was strange (but not altogether shocking) to see how much it had changed. The Tim Hortons that had me the local hangout for those too young for bars was boarded up. From what I heard from my sister, it was still the same high school haunt as of last summer, and suddenly it is no more. It’s strange how much it stirred me. A few weeks ago there was a fire, that burned the local dinner to the ground too. And yet, there are things that are still the same. Unchanged, in the way that small-town institutions can be sometimes. Alchemy, sells the same Nag Champa-infused hippy clothing. Mikes music, still smells like the old stuffy record shop it has always been. The display in the front, faded with age, but unchanged otherwise. We stopped for lunch at the cafe my mom loves best- Mocha Mocha. The art on the wall had changed, the menu prices a few dollars more than I remembered. I ordered an Orangina to drink while my mom ate her veggie club- the same way we had since I was three. But we spoke about more adult things, how our lives had changed in the time I’ve lived away. All the good, and some of the worse. I hummed along to the memories of 70s roadtrip music my mom had been playing that morning as I hunted for treasures in our old tickle-trunk. 

I braved the deeper city & called Mia to join me. The stink of the subway evoked an alien fondness, that I’m sure will subside again soon. I was filled with a rush of what it meant to be in this city again. All the times I had come home late from parties in the east end. The times we roamed around aimlessly in the west end. The half-complete project Ali & I had set out on to collect a transfer from every station on the subway lines. 

I found myself re:routing a few times along “secret paths” between houses that no longer existed outside of my memories. But, I also found myself doing things out of long standing habits I had entirely forgot about until I was in the moment again. I brushed my boots on the edge of the escalator, I whistled softly along to the subway chimes and  held my breath over the bloor-danforth viaduct. It was if I started playing a game with the ghosts of my former selves. Repeating the same behaviours, because I saw myself doing them before (with more specific, superstitious purpose then). 14-year-old me stuffed into the seats with my friends from high school. 11-year-old me “surfing” in the aisle when I couldn’t get a seat. 5 year-old me jumping dramatically over the yellow line, into the car, because I thought the yellow was bad luck.  I laughed to myself, as if I was playing along with the games my former selves motioned through. 

I met Mia in Kensington market, one of my all-time favourite spots in the city. We sat in Jimmy’s coffee and talked about transitions again- shifting of perspectives & the things that brought up there. We picked through racks of our favourite vintage stores. Dreaming up occasions to wear the excessively-fringed outfits, or the lace ball gowns. We laughed about the fact that we had both already bought wedding dresses for occasions we never intended to follow up on. 

Courage My Love has long been my favourite shop in Kensington. The walls are drapped in strings of bead, silk scarves & victorian undergarments. I found a postcard that reminded me of the moment we were in. As I wrote on the back of it, I fell into reverence for the wonderful nature of this city. All the colour, and all the different kinds of people that made this city their home. All the joy I had had walking around San Francisco, was met here too. I hadn’t allowed myself to stay curious with Toronto, and so I had fallen out of love with it entirely. Mia & I walked along Dundas for a long, long while. My eyes, your rather mind, opened to witness everything as brand new again. It was like falling in love with an older lover all over again. My difficultly with Toronto was about many things, outside of the city itself. It was a comfort I could find myself lost & in love with it again. 

The next morning, I woke early to make pancakes for everyone. It was even more strange to find myself lost in my parents kitchen. All the reflexes that had long been programmed, needed re-orienting. It allowed me to be more present & objective with my visit, something I hadn’t realized I needed so badly until just then. 

Over breakfast, my mother & I fell into heavy conversation over our mutual love for the radio. I supposed, that to highlights our mutual eagerness for nostalgia. A funny thing in itself - and a marker, in part of our shared difficulties in being fully present. The conversation had a different flavour, by the end of it though, as we both became so filled with optimism for the future. As I watched my mother move through her house, I saw the reflection of my mother in me- one that long scared me, but one I was becoming more comfortable with. My mother’s fondness for pottery from the 70s. Her love for old, rusty farm tools. The pile of gorgeous wool sweaters she has along her shelves. But also, her habit of telling stories in a thread of tangents, and the way she reaches to put on a record, as soon as we are back home. 

That night, my younger brother Isaac had a show with his band ‘Roovs’. He asked me to help him pick out an outfit. As we played dress up, we talked about our lives up until now. Though all my siblings are close, my brother is by far the most difficult to keep up with. Not because he’s really quick moving, but more so because he is a super quiet character.  Isaac was 10 when Ali & I moved away. Even outside of the fact that he’s grown almost two feet in height since then, he’s changed a lot. He threw himself into music in a fairly quiet way, but it is much of his life now. His primary instrument is the bass guitar- but he can pretty much figure any instrument out by now. In his high school band he plays trombone, tube, sousaphone & some piano. The ironic thing is, that Isaac is the one member of my sibling group that never took music lessons. He is entirely self taught & has a profound musicality that can’t be bought.  He’s really quite about it though and is pretty critical of himself. It’s good while he is still striving, but I worry that he can’t appreciate the things he’s achieved so far. 

We settled on him wearing the light brown velvet shirt I bought in Nashville. Subtle, but special. He went to go meet up with his band, and I went to meet up with Mia. We had been dreaming of a craft day since I saw her in California. We scrambled around her house, digging out all the re:purposeable bits we could find. I fell feverishly back into an embroidery project (with the limited amount of thread I managed to salvage). I am happy to be able to keep my hands busy again, in a midly-escapist way. 

Both of our mothers met us for dinner & we indulged in a large spread of Indian food. It was actually refreshing to hear our mother’s talk about mental health stuff & see they are both slowly chipping away at some of their traumas. I suppose progress doesn’t always keep a steady pace, but it seems both of them are taking mental health a little more seriously these days. I suppose they would though, after Ellie’s passing. 

We worked our way over to the beaches, where Isaac was performing. By the time we got there, the pub was already past capacity- which did not stop us from pushing in. I was actually amazed at how many people were there (I think Isaac was too). Before the show, he kept saying “oh I don’t think anyone is gonna show up to this one”, but it was so nice to see that wasn’t the case. It seemed like a lot of his classmates were there- even the ones he isn’t friends with. The boys all met at music camp the previous summer- though Isaac and Matt have been playing together for 4 years now. They are loud, and all of them so terrifically talented- I’m not just saying that as his sister. All of them (but Isaac) switched around instruments like musical chairs. There originals are fun & heavy & so full of energy. I only wish there had been more room to dance- especially during the improvised blues songs. I was getting itchy to swing dance. They clearly have a wide reference range (jazz standards, daft punk, zeppelin, the velvet underground). It was really impressive on a musical level, but further still, was the fact that the band feeds so well off one another. It was so nice to see them all so full of life & expression. Especially Isaac, who can be so stoic. He was hiding his smiles, but I could tell how proud he was & how hard he worked for all of it. I was beaming.

I flashed-backed briefly to my own very mediocre high school experience. I think mine was what it needed to be- nothing more, nothing less. I was glad to see Isaac was having a good one though. He’s always been pretty firm in his boundaries and not down for any of the bullshit that teenagers part take in. It seems he’s around good people & feels a part of something though, and that’s all I could ask for. When the gig was over, I could tell there were stirrings of an after party. Though I obviously wanted to fan over the show, we all decided to give him his space to be with his friends & went home. 

Just before we got out the door, Isaac turned to me & made sure we made plans to hang out the next day. He had said that he’d cancel any plans to spend the day with me- which almost made me cry. I’ve never wanted to make anyone proud the way I want to impress my little brother. It’s actually ridiculous. I can feel how much he loves my sisters & I. Though we can get caught up in our Halifax lives, I want to make a point of really making sure he knows how much we love him & are rooting for him in everything he does. And I really do. I believe in him being able to make the music thing work more than any other musician I’ve come to know. 

[myheart-thespecialone-blog]

A Sad Truth..

With around 5-6 years of dating experience I’ve realized that somethings are good and some aren’t so good. I may not be an expert because I’ve only been in 2 serious relationships. But I think the question needs to be asked.. Why do parents (particularly mid 40s-early 50s) feel the need to pressure their children? 

One weird thing I’ve been noticing a lot in todays society is that less people are going to college. Which is ok sometimes college isn't right for you. But then I see people my age or younger get married. Which is ok I mean I would love that but since I’m in college I can't afford that and my school debt. Then you have people younger than me or my age maybe a little older have babies. Which to that I say damn you must have a good job, a good partner, and good supporting parents. 

A lot of the time I noticed that parents want their kids to go to school to not make the same mistakes as they did. Which is great you want whats best for your kids. But already I’ve witnessed so many get booted for not doing it why is it their fault? Like I get it you want them to better themselves but sometimes school isn't always the best choice. 

I’m in school because I’m learning about something I have a passion in. Not because my parents even though, I feel the need to always impress them. But why is that?

Why do parents want perfect children knowing they weren’t perfect?

My parents weren’t perfect both of my parents struggled. My dad moved out of the state at a young age while my mom moved out at a young age. 

However, my dad’s parents weren’t quiet as strict as my mom’s. But I can see how my dad struggled he had 3 siblings to deal with probably thought he wasn't getting attention he deserved so he moved away. My mom was a trouble maker but in the end managed to out do all her siblings and still open her house to her mom even though my grandmother would treat her like crap. 

Are we just pawns in our families just to show off to others? Do we go to school just to have our parents show it off? 

I know lately sinceI’ve been learning a new language I always get put on the spot to say something. To be honest I hate it cause I still have no confidence in myself when it comes to speaking. 

I’ve lately been feeling bad for my brother who plays sports and always has my dad on him. Picking a school was hard enough along with telling other parents my brother was better than their kid. 

But why? I understand my brother is great but everyone is great in their own way everyone helps on a team. 

But then again they’re are the kids who don't play sports. Or don't go to college cause it wasn't for them. I’ve dated these guys. I never saw anything wrong with it. 

My first relationship was rocky to begin with. Single parent no contact with the other one since the age of 6. In constant fights at home. Then one day a week in he wanted to break up. I was ok with it because it had only been a week. But then his mom text me. Asking why. Obviously I’m not gonna well you of course silly. 

But that week turned into 3 years 2 months and 1 day. I was apart of these fights at times. The parent was pleading for him not to be like them. 

But help couldn't be provided as well. With only one car it was hard to find a job or maintain one for that matter. Eventually, my own dad came up and got him an application to everyones favorite burger joint. 

But there was still the upset of not going to school or improving. So what did this guy do? After he left me for someone else he quit his job and got another cooking job. Him and his lady live in an apartment not to far from his home. And he got to make contact with the parent that left him. But I’m sure to the parent at home it doesn't matter. Cause there is a sibling who is going to a good school gets to stay in a dorm the works. I’m sure its because the sibling worked hard and saw what not to become. But this sibling had a rocky road as well.

Like getting arrested for graffiti, always picking a fight with the parent any chance she could, and basically disrespect all around.

Change can happen. But I’m sure if the parent were asked about their children and would only boast about the sibling. Because the guy I dated is amounting to their expectations.

With this next guy.. I feel as though he is living in a shadow. The parents had a son before him but lost him at birth. Name and everything was picked out. This is very sad but the god or gods blessed them again with another son who would live. Along with another sibling.

Everyday I witness a guy trying his hardest to improve himself as well as, getting approval, and seeking help. Help is usually very limited. However, with his sibling they get everything. The support, money, and help. 

The sibling finished school with only a certificate a has a job but plans to go back to everyones favorite burger joint. They just got a house and is now planning a wedding for summer of next year. She is younger than I am.

I have a part time student and worker living in my parents basement with enough money to make car and phone payments. I’m going to have debt and I would rather have it paid off before buying a house or getting married. 

I’ve tried researching things that could affect children who were supposed to have another sibling but nothing useful would come up. 

Almost a year into our relationship he moved out with some friends. They were horrible slobs and still are.. They care for only people who have their views the are the literal snowflakes. One even had to call mommy in because the man couldn't defend himself. The girl should leave the guy cause he doesn't give a shit about her and their friends all need a reality check cause life is never gonna be great the way they’re heading. 

But anyways recently my guy was planning on joining the army.. His reason.. Because he had no where left to turn. He had to be out by may and with the army he could make enough for him and I to live comfortably. Unfortunately parents had to flip shit. His mom eventually said he had other options. Which confused him because in the beginning he did not get to have those other options. 

He made a complete 180 with this new information. He got himself organized and started planning for school. He had plans to be a full time student for 1 semester which included not having a job. He felt as those this could help him focus more. (yes I did worry but I’m doing the same thing this fall) Soon his dad got word of this and freaked out on him. Saying crazy things like he was gonna live with them for 5 more years (he's only planned a 2 year degree) and how they would not get privacy. 

Now I tried looking up privacy things and why parents choose it over their children but nothing came up. Also making crazy allegations like that is nonsense. 

But if it was his sibling they would open their doors because they knew all along that they were too young for a house and marriage.

His mom gets on me sometimes asking if my trip abroad is the last thing I need for school and when am I going to move out. The unpleasant look she gives me when I tell her of my mom and I’s deal says it all. I come to visit yes but I have my own worries I’m not taking out loans to pay my loans like your kid is. 

I will become my own in my time with all my debt paid and a happy life. 

Now he is just done looking for help and asking. He was told to learn how to ask only to get rejected. Now he plans on looking for a trailer and getting stuck at work.. Which breaks my heart. His guy has hopes and aspirations. But the constant tear down is what is hurting him.

He feels like only his parents will only accept his sister as their child because he is a “disappointment”. Unfortunately, I see children everyday struggle through being on the verge of this word and they’re children. Its horrible about the expectations that are being set for children.

I may be just talking to much now but this is horrible.. And it needs to stop. Otherwise all the retirement homes are gonna be filled... 

[astriduribe53-blog]

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Clara and I had been friends for years. She was one of my first friends when I entered high school and we remained close pretty much throughout. Wed talked about dating a few times, but one or the other of us was always in a relationship. Senior year came around and her life really split apart, her dad kicked her out suddenly, her boyfriend had cheated on her and shed had a major falling out with the majority of our friends since her boyfriend was pretty well networked amongst them. She really needed a break and my family decided to provide her one. She had always been a good friend to the entire family, so it wasnt even a conversation when she needed a place to stay, my parents accepted her with open arms. She came with a duffle bag of things and moved into my little sisters room. She kept insisting shed only stay a week at most, but my parents let her know that she could stay as long as she needed to! At that time, I worked most evenings, getting home a little after 10pm, just in time to catch a late night talk show, chat a moment with my parents and then play something on PlayStation before I went to bed myself. The first night she was staying, I didnt even know it was happening! She had asked my mother, who had established all of the plans. So I came home after a long day to find Clara sitting on the couch with my parents watching the tail end of the news. I greeted her with a smile and got a snack while Jay Leno started up. We sat up and all chatted during Jay Leno. Once his opening monologue was over, my parents packed up and headed to bed. "Youre staying the night?" I finally inquired once my parents were upstairs. Wed all talked about it a little bit, but I wanted to hear from her myself. "Yeah. Your mom was too nice about it," she smiled, curled up under a blanked, wearing some flannel pajama pants and a tanktop with a black bra. I sat down next to her with a tortilla I had just nuked. "Mm, that smells good," she smiled. "Want it?" I asked, offering her the untouched snack. She politely accepted and I got up to make another. "So how long will you be here?" I inquired, waiting for the microwave. "Ill find a place before next week," she insisted, mouth half full of tortilla. What felt absurd about that was the fact that it was already Thursday, not leaving her nearly long enough to find a place. "Im sure its fine if you need to stay longer," I assured her, taking the tortilla out and rolling it up before heading back to the couch to sit down. "Your family is very sweet," she smiled. "Bah, stop it!" I played back. We continued to shoot the shit, chatting about my day at work and making stupid jokes that high schoolers do. By a little after midnight, we werent really talking about anything. We were really just... well, at the time, I wasnt sure! In hindsight, I think we both knew what we wanted to do, but were too afraid to take the next step. Our conversation circled about in empty ways, rehashing stupid jokes and mocking one another lightly. I think we were definitely flirting. But, 2am rolled by and we decided to head off to bed without so much as a kiss. I think we were both thinking it though. I certainly went to bed with the curiosity on my mind. The next morning broke and I headed downstairs for breakfast. I had apparently slept in quite considerably! I awoke to an empty house, everyone having gone out for things, my mother and sister out for groceries, my older brother out to work and my younger brother out to the gym with his friends to play basketball. I searched the whole house and nobody was home. Unless. I headed back upstairs and headed to my sisters room to find Clara curled up, still fast asleep. She had her tanktop on, but had taken off her pants and was just in panties, also, it appeared she had taken off her bra, her nipples lightly shone as the sunlight hit her chest. I walked to the bed slowly, looking at her lengthy legs, toned from running, but smooth and perfect. She was nearly 6 foot for sure, which was good since I am quite a tall fellow. I sat down on the bed and touched her arm. "Hey Clara, want some breakfast?" She rolled over slowly and opened her eyes. She stretched her arms over her head, her breasts puffing outward. She relaxed and looked up at me with a quiet smile. "Yeah. What time is it?" She yawned, sitting up. "Almost noon. I guess we could have lunch," she chuckled as she grabbed some jeans from her bag and slipped them up, shimmying into them, the waistband hugging her as on the way up. "Well, either way, lets eat!" She demanded, "Im starving!" Over brunch we discussed her recent break up and the subsequent fallout with a lot of "friends". She expressed feeling really hurt for many reasons, but also realizing that she was growing from this and that she didnt want such shallow relationships anyhow. "I like knowing someone is truly my friend, yknow? Like you!" I laughed. "I do what I can!" She insisted that I was doing exploited mature women way more than that, but I reminded her that it was mostly my mom who was being hospitable. "Speaking of which, where is your mom?" She looked around, seemingly realizing what I had: that we were alone. Completely. "I think shes at the store with Liz," I started putting away the food, my body stuffed from the little meal wed shared. She nodded quietly. "Oh hey! Let me show you something!" She darted up from the table and grabbed my hand, leading me upstairs to her temporary room. She rummaged through her baggage, finally settling on a small sketchbook. She tossed it in my lap and sat beside me. I held my hand close to hers, quite delighted by the contact! She was an artist and she loved sharing her work with me. I let my hand slide closer still to hers as we browsed her work. She walked me through each piece, skipping past pages of work she didnt like or prefer. I also noticed that she was using her other hand to point things out and flip the page. I looked down to see the sides of our hands touching, not anything new for us. Wed often gone to movies together in the theater, letting our arms rest close, even getting to the point that she rested her head on my shoulder. That said, it was all the more exhilarating in this context, wondering what a touch could lead to. That wonder quickly disappeared though as the garage door opened. "We probably should go downstairs," I insisted and she nodded, seeming a little disheartened. Perhaps she was wanting the same thing as I did. We headed downstairs and helped pull in groceries just in time for me to get ready for work. I couldnt help but wonder what would have happened if wed had more time. That and hope that wed have another chance this evening. So naturally, work dragged on hard. It was only 6 hours, but by 2 hours in I was almost completely over it! I went to lunch and texted Clara to complain about work. We exchanged pleasantries for 30 minutes and then I headed back to the. Longest. Day. Ever. By the time 10 rolled around I was exhausted from sexual tension, entirely self inflicted by endless fantasies. Id imagined her in her panties and her tank top, imagining running my hands through her dark, wavy hair. I imagined the touch of her skin and the look of her body. I got home to the usual scene: parents on the couch, wrapping up watching the news and Clara there, nestled in a book with a pair of red shorts on and a black tank top. I put a tortilla in the microwave and sat at the dining room table, leafing through a fashion catalog absentmindedly. As I stood up to retrieve my tortilla, Clara stood in the kitchen, looking at me. "How was work?" She asked, maneuvering past me to take a seat at the table. I sat down, mouth full of food. "Long... Boring and long. How were things here?" We yammered back and forth, my parents coming into the dining room about 30 minutes later to say good night. We cordially replied and then went back to our discussion. Or, tried to. I felt like the entire energy had changed in that moment. We were really really alone quite suddenly. She finally broke the silence, reminding me where I was in the midst of a story. Again, we just shot the shit, chatting about nothing, but sitting really close. I didnt want to let tonight go to waste without seeing what could possibly happen. I devised a plan. "Man, wanna go sit on the floor? Im exhausted and the floor looks comfortable," hella smooth! "Oh yeah?" She smirked, shaking her head. "What?" I followed as she headed to the carpeted floor, sitting down on a pillow. "Oh no, you were right this is SO much cozier," she teased. I didnt know how to reply, she seemed to be calling me out for something (and rightfully so) but also didnt seem upset about it. Id love to say that I had some quick get back, but I froze up and just changed the subject. Not as smooth as I wish I was. We just continued on lazing about the floor, our bodies and faces drifting closer and closer together. We sat less than a foot apart as she watched me, my words empty and her ears deaf. She kept glancing down at my lips and Im positive I returned the gesture. I would say nothing and she would reply with a snarky affirmation, her eyes becoming impatient, knowing full-well my intent, but my courage still too small to overcome the unscalable distance between us! She would even tilt her head to accommodate a very simple trajectory to a kiss. I dont remember many details from the conversation, just that she leaned even closer to me and said something along the lines of "oh yeah professor. And what else do you have planned?" And something in those words was enough to bridge the gap between us. Enough for ME to bridge the gap between us. I leaned in, grabbing the side of her neck and kissed her gently, her lips inviting and soft. Her whole body eased to me as we finally made contact. And this wasnt the feeling of making contact after two hours of conversation, this was the feeling of making contact after nearly 4 years of knowing what we wanted. And I felt that need reciprocated in her kiss. She put a hand up and held my neck, holding me against the kiss. She laid back, forcing me to lean over her, our clad chests meeting. This already felt more intimate than any other kiss I had engaged in before, our bodies touching as we held into the kiss. She wrapped her arms around behind my head as I stroked her cheek, barely coming up for air when we needed it. So, we lay there and made out breathlessly in the front room of my house, completely lost to the world for a brief moment. I slowly came to though and realized that we were quite compromised here. Both the front door and the stairwell were within eyeshot of where we lay. My brother was still out and about and could come home at any time and if we made too much noise, we might wake up my parents and could easily see us from the top of the stairs. "Want to move to the couch in the living room?" I looked back at a startled Clara, who seemed to think I was leaving. If you cherished this article and you would like to get much more data with regards to milf squirt compilation kindly visit our web-site. She looked to the stairwell and nodded. "Gotcha. Yeah!" She said. I went to get up, but she pulled me by the collar and kissed me again, almost causing us to be unable to stop once more. I insisted, pulling away and leading her to the couch. She tugged me back, pulling at the buttons on my button down. "Take this off," she demanded. Before she could finish unbuttoning it, I slipped the top off over my head and moved to the couch. She sat atop my lap as I reached for the remote. "Probably best to leave the TV on just in case." As I leafed through the channels, she kissed my neck, distracting me from my task. "C-careful," I pleaded, not wanting her to leave a mark on my neck, but she didnt much care, nor would she at any point. This became one of her favorite games: distract me while Im trying to do something by touching me. I was trying to find something reasonable for us to be "watching" should my brother get home, but every time I started to process what was on the screen, I could feel her hips gently sway against my crotch, the fabric between us barely masking the shape of her vulva, so soft and rounded. She would also kiss my neck and nibble my ear, but, despite the challenge, I found a station and proceeded to push her away from my neck, leaning in again to kiss her. She sighed and it felt as though her whole body just melted. She dropped her chest to mine and ran her hands through my hair. I let a hand rest on her hip, her tank top having slid up slightly. Shock filled my system as I felt her skin against my ring finger. Perhaps it seems silly, but this was the first foray into such sensuous territory! The idea of what this contact could open to, the fact that all of her skin was connected to this simple point, it dawned on me, in that moment, as tremendously salient. But I didnt dare move my hand. Although Clara was warming up to everything, anything more than kissing was untempered waters for me. I really didnt want to blow it! Clara pulled away from the kiss, a smile opened on her face as she rested her arms on my shoulder. "Do you know how long Ive waited for that?! Why did it take you sooo long?!" She teased. "To be fair we have both been occupied with others on and off. Not a lack of wanting to," I reassured her. "How long have you wanted to?" She inquired, climbing off my lap and leaning into the corner of the sectional. "Pretty much ever since we met!" I leaned over to kiss her again and she obliged, holding my face near. "4 years is too damn long," she smiled. "Well, then Im glad we didnt wait any longer." She rested a hand against my thigh as we continued to make out, my hand resting on her side. She had grown quite warm from our little tryst, her lips almost hot against mine. She let her tongue play along the edge of my lips, but she would recoil whenever I would try to reciprocate, a smile eventually growing on her lips. She would let her lips linger near mine, glancing my lips gently with her tongue. If I was patient, she would come closer, letting her tongue venture further into my mouth. But the first sign of movement she got and she would pull away, eventually getting to the point that she would actually laugh. All the while, her hand stayed on my thigh and it hardly "stayed". As she teased me with her little kisses and such, her hand kept moving inward, but then retracting. Every time she would teasingly kiss me, her hand would inch between my legs, but she would always stop and pull her hand back. Eventually she just started in a rubbing motion, her lips intoxicatingly close, her breathing almost intentionally hot. I had had enough. I quickly grabbed her neck and let all the tension rapidly catalyze into passion as I pressed a kiss to her. She let out a slight moan and her hand gripped at my thigh. She kissed me back, tongues dancing with heat. She actually pushed back against me now, like a magnet attracted too forcibly! Im not sure she even realized how quickly her hand slid forward as we made out again. She continued in the rubbing motion, very quickly finding her palm against the bulge in my pants. I let out a sigh as she quietly moaned. Already, this felt incredible and dangerous. I had never even received a handjob at this point in my life. Being a young Christian boy, I was against anything other than kissing... but, this. This was too good to pass up! She rubbed along the length of it, open palmed, investigating the real shape of it with her fingers. She pushed my face away and took a passionate taste of my neck, sending one single jolt down my spine. I shook slightly as the bolt dispersed through my system. As my pleasure suddenly spiked, I could feel myself reaching close to orgasm. "C-careful," I pleaded again, holding her wrist. She slowed, but then pouted. "Am I too much for you?" She smirked. "Just at the moment, gimme a sec- She cut off my sentence, starting to rub me again. She would stop whenever I would place a touch to her wrist, sometimes only slowing. I felt like I had a fucking fever, my temperature spiking with each tease. I even started swaying my hips, now wanting desperately to cum! But she wouldnt let me. She breathed heavily in my ear and she nibbled the lobe, her palm moving slower and more carefully against me, my hips swaying almost embarrassingly desperately! She suddenly pulled her hand away and smiled at me. "I think you might need a breather," she headed to the bathroom and I laid back on the couch, quite tempted to just finish myself off. But there was more to be done tonight and I didnt want to ruin that. I let my blood pressure settle with my body temperature, trying desperately to calm down! Staring at the ceiling, I could feel my erection decreasing, my body cooling off. My breathing was normal and I could think straight again. I looked over at my phone, curious to the time. Sitting up, I picked it up and flipped it open. 2 messages. Both from my brother. STAYING AT DYLANS TONIGHT. LET MOM KNOW. BE HOME TOMORROW AFTERNOON Clara, freshened up, laid down on the long section of the couch, smirking deviously. It only dawned on me the reason for her smirks, when I saw a bra in her hands. Blood flooded from my brain, but not enough that I completely lost sense. I was working out the math and realizing where the night was going to go if I didnt put a stop to it now. The Protestant guilt warred with the primal part of me. I knew without a doubt what I wanted... but I was concerned now with what I should want. Clara laid back, her tank top climbing up and revealing her stomach, just above her belly button. Without thinking, I climbed over to her, my crotch pressing warmly to hers as my body dropped. She smiled and welcomed me with a small peck and I returned the favor. I reasoned that if I didnt tell her about my brother, then things wouldnt get out of hand. We could make out for a bit and then go to bed, no sin involved (beyond perhaps that which I had already engaged in). My hips started to sway against hers as we resumed. Her legs wrapped around me, but gave me room to maneuver. Her hands extended down my back, slipping inside my pants and beneath my boxers to cup my ass. She let out a contented sigh, provoking my hips to move. Her hips raised as she spread her legs further. She leaned up to my ear. "My bra isnt the only thing I took off," she whispered. I thrust again, this time imagining how it must have felt to have one fewer layer between us, seeing if I could feel how much closer we were not. Admittedly, it didn’t really feel any different, but it still drove me wild with excitement and I think she could tell. She tried to refrain from moaning as I ground up against her, her hands still pulling me in for more.. She tilted her head to the side allowing me access to her neck, which I took advantage of. I kissed her right at her jawline, unleashing my teeth against her skin softly. Arms growing tired, I rolled over to the side, her hands sliding out of my pants. I let my hand move between her legs fearlessly and started to rub her. I knew nothing about what I was doing, but for what I had seen in porn. It seemed like rubbing her up and down or in circles would be the best way to go about it. Whatever I was doing though, it was right, because she covered her mouth, her hips raising to meet my touch. Her face was totally flushed from our dirty activities, the fabric of her shorts soaked. At that moment in time, I didn’t realize that this was a sign of arousal, at least slightly. I just thought vaginas were always this soaked… As we lay there, I continued to kiss her, her hand traveling back to the front of my pants, gripping me more furiously this time! I sighed out loudly against the kiss, my pleasure no longer close to peak, but my desire to cum almost completely overwhelming! Her rubbing became more and more furious, our passionate kissing raising our body temperatures. I just remember laying there, sweating quite intensely as the hours passed on, this erotic adventure quite exhilirating already, my mind and body open to see what other mysteries it had in store for me. Just then I heard the sound of the zipper on my pants. I looked down to see that Clara had already unbuttoned my pants without me knowing and was just now reaching the bottom of my zipper. She looked up at me, eyes wide and lustful. She maneuvered into my boxers. I moaned as her hand touched my throbbing, rigid cock. She pulled my cock through the hole in the front of my boxers and looked down. She sighed "That’s a relief," she smiled at me, biting her lip. "What?" "I was REALLY hoping you had a big dick!" she sighed out, as if she had heard it in a porno recently or something... I just smiled back, too intrigued with what was happening to care about her awkward compliment. Perhaps she knew what she was doing, giving me more credit that I was due in order to further seduce me. It wasn’t too long before she had crawled down to my member, licking the precum off the top. I couldn’t stop her as she took the head into her mouth, sucking lightly. My head spun and I was consumed with pleasure. I was pretty sure that I was going to cum immediately, but she constantly kept stopping, seemingly knowing the pleasure that she was bringing to me! Her head gently bobbed back down, deeper each time, her tongue circling my cock with each recoil. I swear at this point I must have been running a dangerous fever, my whole body just wanting the release of orgasm, my every inch so sensitive to her masterful touch. I held my hand over my mouth, laying back, sweat pouring from my brow. She could fit about half the length before it was too much for her, but that was certainly enough for me. It was incredible to me to be sharing all of this with her, especially after all this time. I just remember a sort of sexual resonance at that point, a warmth inside my body. I was enjoying feeling sexual and I kind of didnt ever want to cum. Too late. I warned her with another quiet "c-careful," but she made a decision and that was to let me cum in her mouth. My body gave into orgasm, hot cum splashing into her soft mouth. I felt her suck up and swallow every last drop. She moved back up to me and kissed my cheek. "Good?" She asked. I could only manage to nod. "I should return the favor," I remarked. She smirked but shook her head. "I dont think I could stay quiet," she laughed. "We could use a pillow, you could moan into it," I wasnt going to give up that easily. But she shook her head. "Another time maybe," she gave a half-hearted smile at me as she planted a kiss on my lips. And in that moment I had two choices: let the evening fizzle out from there and go to bed to see what daylight brought for us or tell her about the vacancy in the basement and leave everything up to chance... At that point how could I turn back? If we went downstairs, I was essentially agreeing to sex. "Well… actually…" I really considered what I was about to say as I looked to her. "Andrew texted me," I explained, her face rather close to mine. She nodded and laughed. "Well, congrats," she teased, giving me a quizzical look. "He’s staying at Dylan’s tonight…" I watched her eyes, but the meaning of my words didn’t seem to sink in, "Meaning that he won’t be home tonight…" she still gave no indication that any of this was making sense to her. I sighed, she was really going to make me come out and say it explicitly. Her face dwelled close to mine, her eyes locked on my gaze. "What are you trying to say?" she inquired. "The basement is free tonight… so we could use it for… uhm, activities" she offered me a hesitant smile. No, the smile wasn’t hesitant, but she was indicating hesitance through the smile. "You don’t think your parents might hear us anyways?" she inquired. I frowned and shrugged, unsure if they would or not. The risk was certainly a factor, but it was also part of the appeal. "I’m sorry, I just don’t think I could keep quiet." And, just like last night, the evening fizzled out. We made out for another half hour or so, but it was not meant to be. Getting off at the end of the night, I actually somehow felt good about how things wrapped up. We had some fun, but nobody compromised their "purity". But oh man! If I had known what was going to happen soon, I may not have felt so easy about it. /u/dreddito

[dudence-blog]

Dear Dudence for 13 October 2017

Man, Dudence feels terrible.  I. Was. Late.  I had this written yesterday.  I’d like to say that Mrs. Dudence’s birthday, or playing with Little Dudence, or any number of other reasons justified being late.  But I cannot.  It is all on me.  Today is the first day of the ALCS and this is, hopefully, the last of Herpes Week.  I might have to add “An STD doesn’t mean you’re an awful person” to Dudence’s Guidelines.  As always, shoot me an email at [email protected] or hit me up on Facebook.

I have a girlfriend I love very much. I have moderate depression and anxiety, and she has supported me for the entirety of our relationship; she’s a really excellent partner and person. We technically have an open relationship, but neither of us has acted on it yet, so we talk a lot about how we’re feeling and any worries we have. I’ve never had this kind of “check-in” before, and it feels great.

I also have three fantastic housemates, two of whom are in a couple. Before they started dating (also before I started dating my current partner), I had really strong feelings for one of them and had to work through a lot of sadness and jealousy when I heard about their relationship. Recently my feelings have resurfaced in full force, along with some feelings for the other half of the couple. I am often hit with waves of sadness and/or jealousy when I see them together, even if we’re all hanging out. Sometimes I think about what it would have looked like if I’d ended up with the friend I first liked, but mostly now it’s more wanting to be part of the couple, too—wanting to be around them, be together, be included (and yes, I’d really like to kiss both of them!).

Dear Gay and Tired, how terrible have your other residences as an adult been that a situation where you’re increasingly anxious, depressed, and jealous to the point it is eroding your mental health is the best situation you’ve ever been in?  That is just rough and as Newdie said you (or them) is probably going to need to move.  Although I think that either you or them moving out is the best option, I don’t think you should dismiss “tell them how I feel” out-of-hand.  You say you’ve discussed it with your girlfriend and that you wouldn’t do anything without her okay, which tells me she hasn’t said your feelings for them are a deal-breaker.  Talk it over with your girlfriend, have her give you her consent or not.  Is she doesn’t you’re not the worse off, if she does broach it with your roommates; please let one of them be named Jessie....  The worst case is you’ve blown up a friendship and have to move; you were going to need to do the latter either.  But I’d be willing to bet your roommates are aware that there is something up with you, maybe not the extent or details, but they know.  Give them the opportunity to tell you how they feel, and even if they’re not into it, it’s possible they won’t make it awkward.  And in the best case scenario a whole lot of people get to bang one another.  And if that does come to pass toss an invite to your fourth roommate, it’s just rude to leave them out.

I am an older, sexually conservative woman who got herpes from a man I was dating. He’s a pillar of the community and did not tell me he had herpes. I had a long dry spell before we started dating. My issue is that I have an unlabeled bottle of herpes medication in my desk drawer at work. My administrative assistant asked for some pain relievers, and I opened my desk drawer and shared from a labeled, over-the-counter bottle of acetaminophen. I saw her staring at the unlabeled bottle in the drawer. Later that day I went back to my office, and she and another person had actually opened the unlabeled bottle and were looking at the medicine! 

  Dear Pariah, I’m going to guess you had a moment of l’esprit de l’escalier with your assistant and her conspirator.  I think you need to go speak with, at least, your HR department about the original incident and determine what options, if any, you have at your disposal.  I also think a visit with an attorney who specializes in this area of the law would be in order, since this wasn’t something your employer erroneously revealed, I don’t know if the FMLA applies or if your state has a law against disclosing private facts.  At the very least your HR folks need to refamiliarize the employees with rules regarding unauthorized disclosure of medical information, and the consequences for such disclosure.  I’d think this is something they’d be very interested to do as the employer might want to know if they have an employee who can’t keep her trap shut regarding private medical information.  In regards to your assistant you are long past the time when you were too stunned to act.  You need to have a very pointed conversation with her about her incredible violation of your privacy.  I’d have prefered this conversation was had as part of her exit interview because you were firing her, but that’s me and we’re now months beyond the incident.  You don’t need to get into details about what the medication was for because it doesn’t matter.  It could have been for Supergonsyphyliaidsepes which you got from a foursome involving a pair of dwarves an octopus and it wouldn’t matter what the medication was because the grossest thing involved in this incident was your assistant and her co-conspirator shifting through your medication to identify what you were taking.  Granted, if you want to have some fun, when you do bring this up with HR tell them you caught her snooping through your desk looking through your medication and you’re worried she has a drug problem.  Let her explain to the HR pogue that she was merely snooping at your anti-viral drugs, not trying to score her next fix.  There is nothing in this which is your fault.  I know that doesn’t help with the feelings of shame, embarrassment, and betrayal but you need to remind yourself of it.  

I got married six months ago. My relationship with my family is at best distant—we don’t have a lot in common and there were several incidents of what I’ve been told most people would call abuse (but I’m not there yet, mentally speaking). My dad is a racist, sexist creep. I’ve managed to get him to tone it down around me enough that I can handle a monthly phone call, but that’s my limit. I really didn’t want him to walk me down the aisle, but by the end of the engagement, I was so burned out on decision-making that I just didn’t have the strength for that conversation, with him or any of my many relatives who would have demanded an explanation.

Dear Angry, Just Angry, it’s time for you to redefine your relationship with your father.  Either have a final conversation with him where you tell him that you’re not going to be able to talk with him again until he addresses his alcohol problem (if you even wish to continue having conversations with him if he sobers up), or get your husband to do it for you.  Hopefully there’s someone in your family who you trust enough to tell them why you’re not going to be talking with your father and that you want to limit your exposure to him during your brother’s medical issue.  While you might feel foolish for not knowing the extent of his problems, someone else in your family knew, and they needed to give you the head’s up.  As for your wedding, I know it’s hard to see it now, but this is something that’s going to fade.  Your friends and guests don’t view you being walked down the aisle by your father as an “endorsement”.  They don’t blame you for his behavior.  I think a good way for you to start moving forward with your own feelings from that day would be to finish up with your photographer.  Have your husband call your photographer and schedule the time to go over your photos for the album; but also have your photographer take out pictures with your dad prior to arriving.  Let you see that you still looked beautiful, happy, in love and excited for the life you were going to start with your new husband.  It’s amazing how much your memory of an event can improve when you’re spared a reminder of who you thought was ruining it.

My family is not well-off and neither am I. My parents always try to help me where they can because they feel guilty that they couldn’t give me a better financial start in life, which has never been something I held against them. My sister recently had a baby, and I came up to visit and help ferry my mom, who dislikes driving, to and from the hospital. My last morning here, my dad got up early and took my car to get gas.  I came downstairs afterward, and my car keys were on the table with one or two 20-dollar bills folded underneath them. I assumed this was the money they’d offered me to help pay for my sister’s shower. I left it there, but when I came back less than an hour later, it was gone. My mom and I were the only two people in the house. I didn’t say anything because what if I was wrong and I accused my mom of taking money meant for me? But Prudie, I don’t think I am wrong.

Dear Cheated, slow your roll high speed.  As NuPru points out you’re making two assumptions; the money was for you and your mom took it for nefarious reasons.  Let’s play this out:

“Hey dad, I saw there was a couple $20s on the table the other day, was that for me to cover the shower?”  

“No, it was my change from getting gas.”

Or, “Yes it was, why?”

Then, “I left it on the table, but when I came back it was gone.”

“Oh, yeah, your mom picked it up, she thought it was the change from when I went to get gas.  I forgot, here you go.”

Scene. Last night my wife and I went to a small theater to watch The Mystery of Edwin Drood. In the row in front of us, a woman became increasingly amorous with her date. She first leaned over and kissed his cheek. Then she took off her shoes, put her legs on his lap, and started kissing his neck. Then they began a lip-lock session—all while we were trying to watch the play. My wife, who had to look through their hook-up to watch the stage, leaned forward and asked them to break it up. Fortunately they did and must have decided to carry on elsewhere, as they didn’t return for the second act. At what point is it reasonable to ask people to “get a room” during a performance? And what would you suggest saying?

Dear Prude at Edward Drood, try asking your wife for help with this question.  If you’re feeling feisty though you could always offer to join in or you and your wife show them how it’s done.

I am a professional woman in my mid-30s. My parents live about five hours away, and I visit them for a few days at a time every few months. My mother has unacknowledged anxiety problems that prevent her from traveling to see me (her go-to excuse is that her pet needs her, although they have a pet sitter at the ready). She also refuses to call me. She says she could “never live with [her]self” if she disturbed me while I was asleep, as I sometimes work nights—though I’ve explained the Do Not Disturb feature on my phone and told her she can always leave me a voicemail if I don’t pick up.

Dear Not Asleep, you’re not unreasonable for feeling a bit hurt that she won’t initiate contact, but it might just be a thing you’re going to need to accept.  At least until she decides to do something about her issues keeping her from calling you.  I don’t know if you’re visiting them “enough” because I have no idea what “enough” would look like, but a visit every few months for several days at a time seems more than reasonable.  It sounds like you’re doing everything people would expect from a caring child.  You mom’s hang-ups are not something you can do anything about if she doesn’t want to do anything about them.  Call and visit when you can in good conscience.  If you do want to do something yourself though, next time you call your mom tell her you’re hanging up and you’d like her to call you back.  You’re awake, you’re expecting her call, let her see it isn’t the worst thing in the world.  Not sure if it would work, but maybe it can help her get over the issue she has with doing it for real.