#remembering being sat in my 4pm-6pm seminar having eaten nothing but a mint all day. remembering when my flatmate gave me a chocolate

[afieldinengland]

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#thinking again about the violence with which i starved myself two winters ago. wondering if i'd even have the werewithal now #remembering being sat in my 4pm-6pm seminar having eaten nothing but a mint all day. remembering when my flatmate gave me a chocolate #and i couldn't eat it because it was before midnight so i put it in the fridge. remembering the time i hadn't eaten all day and when i had #glass of wine my lips turned blue. remembering when i drank a bottle of wine on an empty stomach and threw up bile for so long and so hard #that it was bloody. and so on and so on. but how i worshipped!! #when i wasn't working i was walking and when i wasn't doing that i was drinking. or crying. or sleeping #but the ferocity of it. the purity if you like. i wasn't counting calories or anything it was pure denial #not even fasting. just hurting myself. but it felt good. can i say that? i know people think that's ugly to say but it felt good. i miss it #it would have killed me etc but i was proving something. i don't even think i was hungry #didn't weigh myself either. appropriately old testament #and the old winter god was at the heart of it. 7am shaking outside the chemistry building hopped up on red bull and nothing else #nobody gets it of course. i've found that out #dreams about arms covered in sores. grey misty november outside #eighteen in a new city first year of university with a vodka habit smoking other people's cigarettes. i must have been a picture #maybe i can go back. but i don't actually have qualms about eating now that's the problem #if it's just on/off can you even switch it off? no. i think you need to be terrified #i realise now it was kind of nascent masochism. one night i drank my own nosebleed #yes i think i adjusted well. please take gap years