#so that whilst the loss of bobby is absolutely monumentally bigger than losing felix as a partner

[dallonwrites]

okay actually looked at the lover boy wip intro again and this has me crazy because the grief in this was meant to all be about bobby but "remember that his favourite fruit was peaches and try not to cry over it" got me because felix's favourite fruit being peaches is like. a recent but definitive part of his character. and i can't remember if i just used peaches as a placeholder for bobby's favourite fruit (he does not give peach to me) and if i first wrote this before or after i decided peaches were felix's BUT now i'm like. what if this passage is him grieving bobby but it spirals around his grief for his relationship with felix??? find a lover the way you found felix and don't lose him this time but also find a lover because you're trying to find a connection as deep as the one you had with your best friend even though you know it can never be replicated. you can never find a lover that will love you like bobby (platonic, to be clear) loved you. find a lover in the fact you are alive even though it makes you nauseous because it just reminds you that your best friend isn't. how do you grieve someone who's still alive whilst simultaneously grieve someone who isnt? trying to grieve two people in two different ways and you feel guilty at the way they blend and blur because it feels like you lose your separate grips on both of them and you don't feel like you have space in you to accommodate all this ache. and like what if i edited all this to make that parallel more clear?? that his primary grief is bobby because he's the one who's dead but he's also grieving felix and probably doesn't even realise it?? and then the two become blurred?? and if he realised this he would actually feel fucking awful about it and like a bad friend?? haha just kidding unless??

#especially the fact that a component of his “find a lover to try and mask the grief” is trying to find a lover in the literal sense. #its near 1am you guys are getting the i dont know if this is coherent infodumping #i wrote an essay in the tags but its gone and i have no idea if tumblr ate it or i somehow put it on a different post but im like oh okay #guess i will just save that analysis for the writing update!! #my lover boy writing updates are gonna be so obnoxious btw theyre gonna be essays theyre gonna be me putting the degree to use #now i can say i actually have one #i wrote a DISSERATION on the exact type of fiction that lover boy is....... #anyway it was about queerness and loss and what loss means thematically in queer narratives #so that whilst the loss of bobby is absolutely monumentally bigger than losing felix as a partner #it is actually not a surprise if beau somewhat blurs his grief for the two #that being said whilst i dont believe in ranking different types of love/relationships #i love the idea of platonic lover and this platonic connection being just as if not more powerful than the romantic one #could essay about that but tumblr might eat it! so!